Chasing Ramadhan

Chasing Ramadhan was what I did on the 28th and 29th night of Ramadhan in an attempt to make up for the past days that were lost due to worldly matters. But then again, it would be unfair to blame it on worldly matters when the problem actually lies within me. For I've been too passive. I've been thinking but never putting plans to action.

Took leave 2 days before Eid. A quick text to a brother for qiyam. He had plans. Another text to another brother. Soon I found myself at Masjid Sultan. I had planned to qiyam on all 10 nights but only found myself on the last 9th night. Went to an organisation in Eunos and another in Pasir Ris to help Mama pay her zakat harta coz that's where she wanted her money to go to. Took a long bus ride to grandma's place to just be by her side and bore her with my "melodious" recitation voice. Sigh, if there's one thing I envy this Ramadhan, it's the voices of the imams and muezzins and their ability to memorise surahs. I've been rotating between Ar-Rahman and Surah Mulk for the past couple of years. I forget one after the other.

Organised a random buka at Mak Long's with a cousin. It's been a long while since I saw them both. Caught up with the cousin who shared about his marriage plans and how he met the girl and the difficulties they've discussed about -like what if he had to leave for overseas for work. Never saw my cousin as one who is forward thinking but I guess he's one who dares to commit and make things work out instead of sitting back and thinking without making any moves or commitment fearing the potential disagreements that may or may not arise. *wake up, marzuki*

 Persuaded him to follow me to Masjid Ahmad Ibrahim for the last night. He agreed and shared how he's been doing qiyam at home the past 2 weeks without fail except the 27th coz he slept right through. I felt worst. My cousin did more qiyam than me. *quit judging, marzuki*


It was a good quiet night. It drizzled thru the night. The mind was pointing to signs of lailatulqadr, but having been slacking for the most of Ramadhan, a part of me didn't feel deserving of it. Slept. woke up an hour later. Prayed and made long duas. Read the quran. Made zikr. And more last minute dua till the azan for fajr was called. Could somehow hear ssomeone announced "Pens down. Please stop writing." The last night. The final chase. May He understand that I am weak and gives me an opportunity to learn from my weakness the next Ramadhan.


Woke up at 11am. Nice to wake up within the walls of a mosque. Reminded of the nights in masjidil haram and the awkward moments when you realize that the once empty space around you are filled with people who arrived for fajr prayers.

A verse caught my eye. A pick-up line pops up in my mind:


"Assalamualaikum. In surah Al-Hujuraat verse 13, it was mentioned we were made into nations and tribes so that we may know one another. So when I first saw you queuing for the food during sahur tadi, I was hoping that you would allow me to know you."


Too wordy. Perhaps next time, I could write it on a piece of paper and ask a brother to help me pass to her during sahur. Too cowardly. Perhaps next time..

Eid Mubarak!

I try my best to understand. To speak to them only when required coz for some reason them being older makes them too cool for small talks. I tried my best not to offend. To respect. But I guess something mustve gone wrong somewhere and I reached a point where I realize that perhaps it's not going to work. I've been pretending and lying to myself thinking that I've got it in me to wear my dad's shoes.

Lost my cool. Raised my voice. Broke my heart. I hate people who break hearts.

Probably the reason why I'm not into marriage mode despite it being encouraged and despite me being envious of parents with children at the mosque for terawih prayers is because of the fear that someday, my kids would grow up hurting me and my wife's feelings like how I'm feeling right now.

Fear prevents me from doing things. Lots of things.

Saying hello

Just say hello. 
Ask for direction to Subway.
Ask for recommendation to nice food outlets. 
Say something.
Say anything.
Okay I know. Say that you're from a charitable organization in Singapore and that you're wondering if she could donate her handphone number to you.

Publika @ Mont Kiara.

We were just walking around when we saw a girl in purple hijab looking at books at MPH. The next thing I know, my two travel companions were pushing me to step out of my comfort zone and say something to her.

We're not asking you to marry her.
All we're asking is for you to say hello. Anything. Something.

I didnt, of course. And we went on exploring the mall.

Guys, I'll say something if we meet her again for the second time.

30 minutes later, we found ourselves at MPH again. She was there sitting on the bench outside the bookstore with a book in hand, reading. There's something lovely about girls with books that I can't quite explain.Kinda like how it's always lovely to cross path with the girl on the morning train to work. There's always a quran in her hand. But I digress.

She sat there for around 30 minutes. And so were we, nearby and from a safe distance. And it stayed that way much to the chagrin of my two friends who believed that I could find muster up the courage to walk up to someone and say hello.

Why should I say hello to someone whom I know I'll probably never ever meet again?
Isn't it kinda pointless?
Am I really afraid of making a fool of myself?
What am I really afraid of?
Will I ever do what needs to be done should the day comes?
Perhaps I'll wait till next time. Perhaps she isn't the one. 
If we're meant to be, we're meant to be.

Cmon Ali!
Say something. Walk up to her. Ask anything.
Say something funny. Girls like guys who are funny. 
Ask her if she's had her dinner and if she'd like to join us.
Heck if you want, we could be invisible and let you have dinner with her.
Do it for Allah! Even if you don't want to, then at least do it for us.

Guess nothing much have changed.

On a short break

It's been a long long while since I sat and write. Writing helps one to keep in touch with our inner self. It's like making time for the self - something which I've not done, clearly.

Hopefully this short retreat in urban KL allows me to just take the mind of work. And hopefully think about what's next.