After 17 days, I write once more.

Hidup dalam ketakutan,
Hidup berlandaskan al-Quran.

I do not know why but the mind formed those couple of lines as I fell asleep last night. Earlier this afternoon, it was mentioned that the fear of Allah and the love of Allah are two paths that will take one to the same destination. However, it was said that the former may leave a negative psychological impact. I paused, and reflected. I'm reminded of the verse in surah Ar-Rahman verse 46 which means:

"Dan orang yang takut akan keadaan dirinya di mahkamah Tuhannya (untuk dihitung amalnya), disediakan baginya dua Syurga."

"But for he who has feared the position of his Lord are two gardens."

Thinking about it, I can't help but feel like I'll never be capable of loving. Or maybe I do, but I show it through fear - the fear of deviating from the straight path, the fear of allowing myself to be excessively distracted by unimportant worldly issues and such.

Or in some distant imaginary worldly relationship, the fear of losing someone whom I've yet to even say hi to.

Sigh,

It's been many days since I last wrote something. It seems that once the exams are over, I've been spending more time away from the Internet. Most days I find myself in school doing my final year project, at my grandma's place, playing floorball and soccer, learning how to drive a car, watching movies (online) and stuffs. For some reason, I wish I could get into Ramadhan rhythm and spend more time with the Quran. For some reason, it's been an eventful 17 days but the heart feels empty.