.....my holiday evaluation...

Sucky.(Pardon my language)... not in a good mood coz of my missing notes..(though i noe i am overeacting). But things would be different if i had that notes... coz of the psychological effect it has on my brain. Unprepared. Going to battle with no guns.... no reinforcements... nothing. Going there with what i have.....

Wanted to visit a dentist-- but couldnt make time for it. WAnted to buy shoes but couldnt make time for it. WAnted to buy pen and pencils but couldnt make time for it. Wanted to get assessment books for my bros--if i cant make time for my own self, how can i have time for others. May seem selfish.... yes, but i dun mean for that to happen.

Made this timetable, made that timetable. Plotted my every move. But in the end, what happened?! Nothing. Could have emerged an A student if i followed the plan i had. Seriously. But i cant be an A student if i dun put the effort needed to be an A student. i noe i noe i noe! Dun have to keep reminding myself that! But why! Why oh why cant I be desciplined enuff to follow those plans i have!!??

Everythings left at the very last minute. As usual. So now wat.... forget the Mids go for the Prelims(which i've just found out is 79 daes away). Yea.... 79 daes.... more time to prepare? So wat now.... plan again.... let it go down the drain again? AFter 78 daes, will i really be as prepared as i think i would be? Or would i still be in this exact situation cramping things in at the last minute? Or worse still, would be in this exact situation..... but already raising that white flag above my head? Wat next den? THe As... which will then be like 57 daes after the prelims? More planning? MOre last minute cramping? Thinking as though some magic might happen? Thinking it will be the same as my primary school daes or my Secondary school daes?

I didnt expect a second in class in p3. I didnt expect to jump from almost last class to first class. I didnt expect to get an EM1. I didnt expect to get into Anderson for goodness sake. And during streaming in Sec 2, who wouldve thought i'd get the stream i wanted. And in the worst year of my skool life -sec 3- when all signs showed that i'll remain in sec 3 for an additional year, i promoted with the minimum grades possible. And in sec 4..... JC was the last place on my mind. I told myself either AJ or poly.... And somehow or rather, i got that 11 points and ended up in JC. J1 was the next worse year.... fail fail fail fail fail and last minute get decent grades and managed to go up to JC 2. Lcuky? But what seems to be "miracles" or sheer luck is coming back to haunt me in my last lap....

How? I noe planning is essential. But its dumb to plan wat i cant commit myself to. Mistakes.... big mistakes have been made in my planning.... i got another wat...78 daes and some 50+ daes to plan for.... wat can i do bout it? Is it simply the end for me? Can i still do something about it? What are the odds?

Still abit left undone..... for my mids i mean. Have put all the tutorials for the topics that're to be tested in separate files... dun think i can try those qns... am only resigned to reading i guess. Haiz..... but the good thing is that in future, i'll noe wat to tell my bros wat to do and wat not to do and guide them thru their life.

I keep telling them todae that it's so unfair. Why dun i hv an elder bro or sis to guide me... to show me wat to do and all.... to tell me my mistakes.... well, again the self-pity mode..... But its common lah.... when school's bound to start, there's always this panic attack..... this stress.....

My life is in a mess. I am the one solely responsible for the mess tt i'm in now.... and i am the only one that can pull myself back to safety.

(And btw, nvr stay up till 3 or 4....coz u'll definitely be DAMN tired the following dae.