Twenty Five. Twenty Six.

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Firstly, alhamdulillah  for being given the opportunity to turn 26 on the 2nd of October. 

It's been a while since I last wrote. I missed writing about Eid, how I totally forgot about my mama's birthday on the 31st of August, and how both my brothers were recently enlisted, and how weekdays without them felt so empty. I missed writing about turning 26 and my reflection on life this past year - oh what a 25th year (yes, work work work!!) it has been! And I missed writing about the passing of my beloved grandmother on the 6th of October.

Work has been very very overwhelming. The mind's in a mess. It feels like there's a million and one things to learn and do and being the hardworking worker that I am, I'm allowing myself to be drowned as I swim my way through this hard time. It's been a year and 3 months since I first joined the company and there's still a lot more to learn. Countless times I feel like raising the white flag but there's a part of me that enjoys this struggle. I pray for the day when everything clicks and everything begin to feel more manageable. A part of me always reminding that the next job, should I ever decide to call it quits, will not be any easier. 

On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear – [Quran 2:286]

The Prophet said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” (Sahih Bukhari Vol. 7, Book 70, #545)

But still some days, lately most days, it feels as though I'm starting to distant myself from people in general. I believe that's what people do when they graduate and enter the workforce. I'm still trying to find the balance between life and work. I used to tell others that work is life and we will only disappoint ourselves if we try to see it as two separate things. But lately, I find myself struggling to see life and work as one. I find myself struggling to find time to sit and pour my thoughts out - be it through my blog, through smses, FB messages or whatsapp messages. How I missed the days of MSN Messenger when I could chat people up to rant and stuffs. 

I guess 25 is the year I kinda lost myself as I tried to establish myself. Who am I? What do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be like? Where do I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years down the road? May my 26th year be the year in which I find and define myself. May Allah guide me and send individuals to help me find my way through this temporal life.

And to those who still visit this dusty blog of mine, smile always. May you always be in the best of health. (:

25

Alhamdulillah. I turned 25 yesterday. It was just like any other day except a gift from Mama, my brothers and sister - a pair of leather shoes and a leather sling bag to match. Timely gifts that coincided with my confirmation letter in the company.

Yet despite hoping to be someone better going into 25, despite being blessed with love from family and friends, I still do not feel that I've done enough to deserve these. May I continue to strive to be someone good. Perhaps, I should start writing down the steps that I'll take to be someone good.

Happy 24th!

Here comes the customary birthday post:

So where do we begin? Mama threw a "party" for me. She cooked lots, invited aunts and uncles and cousins over. There was a birthday chocolate cake. Although it's a tad embarrassing, it made me feel like I was six (coz the last time she threw such a party was when our television had no remote).

I signed up for Class 3 coz a cousin showed me how to. Sister paid for it coz I got no Debit Card. Hope she pays for all the other fees too!

Birthday wishes. Hope them wishes do come true.

For me, 24. It's no longer about getting older or getting less young. It's about what's happened this past year that's worth remembering and writing about. Lots have happened. Hope the coming year will be even better!

I wished someone had bought me an alarm clock though. The kind whose ring is produced by the hammering of the bell and not some digital bell beep.

Ah, yes.

Shall try string some words into a little story about the other twin.

The loss of a handphone isn't necessarily a bad thing. Life would've been very very different had I not left that ruby red phone in the public toilet. You know, I've been typing and backspacing for a quite a while now. Perhaps it's coz words will not do the story justice. Or because some things are just better left unwritten. Haha.

So there you go!

My 3rd 21st Birthday

Today I feel alot younger and happier even though school's been pretty hectic as I try to balance both work and play.

It's funny though how I've come to fall in love with words over the years. I remember days when my words hurt the feeling of others. And the days when the words of others hurt me so much that deep down, I wish I'll never ever hurt the feeling of others.

At age 23, I look at my facebook wall and I see lots of words of well-wishes and I feel warm and fuzzy. I feel loved even though they're just mere words.

At age 23, I realize the attention that I pay to the words of others and wonders if others pay attention to mine.

At age 23, I still imagine how it feels like to celebrate my birthday with food and a cake and balloons and noise and presents even though I prefer the peace and quiet that I'm enjoying right now since I'm the only one at home.

At age 23, I still imagine, wonder and dream of the "what ifs" from the comfort of my home. A quiet 3rd 21st birthday. Many quiet 21st birthdays to come. Happy Birthday.

Some stories do come true

The Oreo Cheesecake Boy - he managed to get the cheesecake he wanted with the help of an awesome baker friend. It was a story that came to mind as I was writing the previous entry. An MSN conversation followed and 5 days later, my story became real. So, I guess some stories do come true.

*Opens the book he bought in December 09 and continues with THAT story*

The Oreo Cheesecake Boy

1 pkg. (1 lb. 2 oz.) OREO Cookies, divided

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine, melted

4 pkg. (8 oz. each) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened

1 cup BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Sour Cream

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

4 eggs

HEAT oven to 325ºF.

LINE 13x9-inch pan with foil, with ends of foil extending over sides. Process 30 cookies in food processor until finely ground. Add butter; mix well. Press onto bottom of pan.

BEAT cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in large bowl with mixer until well blended. Add sour cream; mix well. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating just until blended after each. Chop remaining cookies; stir 1-1/2 cups into batter. Pour over crust; top with remaining chopped cookies.

BAKE 45 min. Or until center is almost set. Cool completely. Refrigerate 4 hours. Use foil handles to lift cheesecake from pan before cutting to serve.

If only I'm a baker.

This is a story of the boy and the oreo cheesecake. The boy who knows all (read: most) of my secrets. The boy whom I've known for nearly 10 years yet I still feel I barely know him. The boy who likes to make fun of me: In 2005, he told me I wrote like a bapok. (Do I still write like a bapok?) The boy who still makes fun of me.

He's the boy who came all the way down to school on a Saturday afternoon for floorball coz he knows if he doesnt tag along, I'll most probably not go even though I really really want to - he knows how crazy I am about floorball and why. He's also the boy whom I sometimes wish was a girl - that way, I could ask her out for movies and stuffs. Haha! I am so kidding.

For some weird reason, the boy have touched my heart. SO much that Im actually moved to bake him a cheesecake. But I'm no baker. And I cant stand the smell of cheese. But even if I do, I wouldnt know how a cheesecake is supposed to taste like coz Ive never eaten a cheesecake. I hate cheese. And you know that.

So I'll do what I do best and wish I were a baker, so that I could bake you an oreo cheesecake! Happy Birthday dear friend. May our other friend bake you a real oreo cheesecake some day. :D

=.=ZZZ