The End of a Chase Marks the Start of Another

Alhamdulillah. The results are finally out today and it turned out fine. After 7 semesters, I finally managed to pull up my GPA to above the 3-point mark. So come July, I'll be graduating with a 3rd Class Honours (a Class that is insignificant to most, but valuable to my mother nonetheless). When I broke the news to Mama, she hugged and kissed and was visibly much more happy than I was. SMSed my younger sister, who replied she was proud of me. Didnt got the chance to tell my younger brothers - but Im sure Mama's done that for me when they left for school.

I then looked back at life prior to today and revisit the many individuals who have been such a huge influence in my life - whether they realized it or not. I feel so thankful and grateful to have met them along the way. Life would've been different without them. May Allah reward them and their loved ones both in dunya and in the Hereafter.

I then looked forward at life henceforth. As I pack my bag for Umrah next week, it feels as though I'm moving from one life to another. I really hope that my pilgrimage will be accepted and that insyaallah, I'll come back a better person.

Alhamdulillah, a week before my leaving, I've been greeted with good grades. A week after my return insyaallah, I'll be greeted with my first job. I had agreed to start work on the 18th of June without me realizing the significance of the date. Mama pointed out that it was the day of my dad's passing 6 years ago.

6 years ago, I wrote, im only 18. But God willing, we'll sail out of this darkness together as a family. 6 years later, here I am writing on the same old blog - bursting with joy and elation inside.

“In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all the Worlds
The Beneficent, the Merciful,
The Master of the Day of Judgment
You alone do we worship, You alone do we ask for help
Guide us to the Straight Path,
The Path of those whom You favor, not the path of those who are astray.”
Quran (1:1-7)

D-Day

As we waited outside the seminar room, we saw the professors come our away. They were surprising smiley and happy. And throughout the presentation, they were surprisingly smiley even though we forgot our lines. During the Question and Answer session, we could answer most of the questions. And thankfully, my project supervisor even added on to our answers to support us. It went really really well, especially when compared to the horror scene I played out in my mind.

I guess sometimes, I worry too much.

I thought about celebrating the end of FYP by watching a movie or something. But settled for lunch with my FYP partner. It was one of the quietest meal we've had. He was the first guy I made friend with on my first day in school and it's funny he's the guy I end my last day of school with. I looked back at all the tough and rough times we had and realized that if I felt that my patience is being tested, he too must've been as patient, if not more patient - to have tolerated my demands and moods. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

Friends, I'm gonna miss them.

FYP Oral Presentation

Plenty of horror stories from Day 1. Mine's in 12 hours time.

Looking back, as always, things can be completed a lot earlier but somethings are just beyond my control. It takes two to tango. I find my patience constantly being tested - perhaps, that's the best learning point from this FYP journey. Advice, help, and perhaps some pushing can help one perform better. As I was doing up my slides, I told my partner that I need his help to criticize my slides and script. I told him that I find it easy to listen to others and give my comments about the presentations, but struggle to advice my own self. I can't criticize and improve on my own. I need someone else to tell me what I'm doing wrong, and advice me on what I should do. Thankfully, he was there to help.

Could it be that the reason why I'm ever so willing to give in, listen to others, and help the people around me is because secretly, I yearn for someone to listen, give in, and help me when I need help? I don't know. Probably. Maybe. But me being me, I wouldn't admit if this is true, would I?

May He make tomorrow's presentation smooth-flowing. May I don't forget the things I'm supposed to say. May the professor and moderator be kind and friendly and generous. It's been a long journey. Right now, I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. I'm so looking forward to a good night sleep.

The Paper Chase

Post O-Level, I went to a junior college and studied in the Science stream instead of Arts despite scoring well for my Arts subjects. I opted for pragmatism instead of idealism. Some how, growing up, my teachers have given me the impression that guys usually study engineering and that an engineering degree opens up many doors. I scraped through.

Post A-Level, I contemplated my next step. Having scraped through my A-levels Physics and Chemistry, I realized that I might have made a mistake studying Science. I toyed with the idea of Psychology, teaching, Social Work and sociology - artsy stuffs that seemed interesting. Studying people and trends seemed interesting to me, as opposed to studying more maths and physics and engineering stuffs. Yet 4 years ago, I was told that I wouldn't be well paid if I were to be a social worker. I had no idea where sociologists end up. And that Psychologists had to study up to Masters to be recognized ... or something like that. So engineering it was. Artsy courses took the remaining few choices in my application form. I secretly wished I got into an Artsy course. Yet somehow, I managed to secure a place in Civil Engineering. Very thankful, for many others fail to get a place despite getting better grades.

Each year in NTU, the grass always seemed and felt greener on the other side. NIE seemed like a wonderful place to be in and I saw myself being a happier person as a teacher than an engineer. Years went by and I told myself I was gonna be a teacher when I graduate. But things changed in my 3rd year of study: During my Industrial Orientation, my supervisor managed to convince me to give Engineering a shot. Along came my final year. Like many of my peers, I started looking for job opportunities. I looked at organizations like LTA, HDB, BCA, private main contractors, Keppel, Sembcorp and many others. I knew of the long working hours and the 6 days week but the high pay attracted me. Again, it seemed as though I was opting for pragmatism instead of idealism.

Year 4 Semester 2. Just a month before the exam, I looked through the list of e-mails sent by the school.

Looking for Singaporean Site Engineer. Project Engineer. Rail Engi. Production En. Design. Struc...

MOE. Career Talk. PE teacher. Avoid it like how you avoided your crush, I told myself. 21 March came. 10 mins to the career talk and I find myself sipping Ice Lemon Tea. A friend appeared and asked me why I was just sitting and staring into thin air. I mentioned something about just thinking about nothing and the career talk. He said he was heading there too.

An hour and a half later, the mind changed it's mind again. Teaching PE seemed like something I'd enjoy doing. And if I were to indeed become a PE teacher, I realized I could afford myself the time to pursue a Masters in Social Work at UniSIM so that I could be a social worker when the scene improves in the distant future. Just ideas I'm currently toying with. Some how, I find myself at the end of a full circle. Perhaps, pragmatism and idealism can co-exist afterall. Perhaps one day, I'll be that teacher I've always wanted to be. Perhaps too, a social worker trying to solve an intractable social problem through a pattern-breaking change. That would probably be my idea of a happy ending to this fairy tale I'm trying to live... if i get shortlisted and pass the interview that is.

8 years on, it seems I'm still pretty much the same person, still chasing the same dreams.

Friday.. no, it's Saturday already

After almost 4 years of university trying to set a good example for my siblings, I realized a couple of things I shouldn't have done. I shouldn't have stayed in school till late only to reach home at midnight. I shouldn't have spent some nights in school just to study and clear assignments.

These actions of mine will come back to haunt me should my siblings enter a university one day. They'll probably say, "If Abang Marzuki boleh, kenapa kita tak boleh?"

By then, I'd probably have learnt to be less controlling and protective of my siblings. May Allah protect us and keep us on the Right path.

One week you're up ...

... another week you find yourself trying to climb up where you once were.

2 interviews later ...

... and little talks with some friends have left me thinking about life in just a couple months time. The mind's a tangled mess but right now, more pressing issues include draft FYP report, mid terms, catching up on lectures and tutorials and ... yeah that's probably it. (:

As I select "future" as one of the labels of this post, I realized one thing. The future I've been writing about in past is coming.

The Interview

Had my first ever job interview over and done with a couple of days back. They asked about the activities I'm involved in outside of school hours, my interest, my career aspiration, the subjects that I like in school and my opinions on issues like "Do you feel that the customer is always right?". The more I talked and the more I hear them explain about the job scope, I felt that the job was right for me. 5 days week. Close to office hours. A decent salary. And I'm hoping they call me for a second interview.

But since the interview, many thoughts crossed my mind. I asked myself at this relatively young age the factors I should consider when choosing the first job.

Should I be aiming for a 6 days week job that is related to my course, pays more, with better career progression? Should I be aiming for a job that pays $500 more than the decent salary and strive through a cycle of morning shift, night shift and two off days?

I know someday (within the next five years in the near future) I want to get married and start a family. I know that I do not want to work long hours 6 days a week coz my partner/wife would not appreciate it, and I wouldnt like it either, but I would if it means more income to provide for my family. Also, I want to have time to attend talks, classes, family gatherings, visit the parents and stuffs like that on weeknights and weekends. There's just so many things to consider!

I know that this journey I'm embarking on upon graduation is one that has got to bring me close to Allah above all other things. Life's all about what-ifs and I hope that things will be clearer upon Istikharah and whatever decisions made will be decisions that I will not regret.

Things, always happen for a reason. Allah is the best of planners.

A Good Friend

A good friend is someone whom you argue over the littlest things in the lab and then over dinner, he asks you about your love life. Life's beautiful like that.

The Past 10 Days

30th Nov, Wednesday:
It's 246am as I scribble this few words. I just watched Harry Potter 7 Part 2. Awesome.

29th Nov, Tuesday:
Bored at home, I went to school. To the lab and did some work for my final year project.

28th Nov, Monday:
I took my Final Theory Test. Hope to get my driving license by the time i start work.

27th Nov, Sunday:
Soccer in the morning. Visited grandma in the afternoon.

26th Nov, Saturday:
Stayed at home. United drew Newcastle. They're starting to annoy me.

25th Nov, Friday:
Solidwaste Management paper ends. Exams end!

24th Nov, Thursday:
Engineers and Society paper ends. A friend met with a road accident on his way to the paper. Alhamdulillah, he was alright.

23rd Nov, Wednesday:
Spent the day studying.

22nd Nov, Tuesday:
Traffic Engineering paper ends. Tough one. I hope I did enough.

21st Nov, Monday:
An hour before my first paper begin, I received an sms from my sister saying that she was on her way to Nyai's house from work. It was probably noon. Something didnt feel right so I switched my phone off. And sat for my exam.

At 4pm, I asked her what's wrong. And she said that our grandmother had been sleeping since morning and have not woken up. Everyone in the family was there. I prayed for the best. The doctor came. I reached just in time to follow her in the ambulance. Soon after, she was admitted. She was admitted for a couple of days. Now's she's fine, alhamdulillah.

Life. The past 10 days.

Breathing through blocked nose

It's been a week of late nights, presentations, meetings, report writing, rainy days, cold lecture halls and skipped meals. Now I can finally breathe easy **cues Blue's "Breathe Easy"** - through blocked nose, sorethroat, fever and headaches. Never drink Ice Blended Mango juice on a rainy night.

Exams in two weeks. Mama slipped and fell and hurt herself two days back. On Friday, she didn't get up to make us breakfast. But she's alright now. She tripped and fell at around the same place at the back of the house some weeks back. Two falls in the space of two weeks making me worried. Falls are bad especially at her age.

A friend's getting married next June. Another's getting engaged next month. wow. Time flies. We used to be kids playing pokemon cards and quarrel over silly little things.

When Im unwell, words dun quite flow. Feeling drowsy. Cough med starting to kick in. Sleep.

Time

This is, I believe, the second time this semester that I'm camping out in school. Sometimes, some quiet nights are needed to get things done. For some reason, whenever I'm home, I tend to watch TV with the brothers, have late dinner and chat a while with the mother, and facebook. And then when I'm about to get down to business, I'd tell myself that business can wait till tomorrow.

So tonight is a very cold night after a long day's rain. The cold's keeping me awake. That, and the thrill of mind-mapping. I mapped out an entire module, analysed four past year papers and have decided the two of three questions to do during exams. I'd probably print out the MCQ sections for the past 8 papers and find the answers soon. I could use a jacket, a warm cup of milo and probably some company right about now. But there's something nice and comforting when you're on your own though. Rather than the feeling of loneliness, I feel as though someone's wathching over me.

Ive read somewhere that if one makes time for Allah, He'll make time for you. And that if you don't, you'll probably feel as though time is not by your side. The concept of time has been playing on my mind this past couple days.

School has always been hectic. I was at the second page of Surah Yasin for around 8 weeks. A tad too long. I realized I haven't been spending enough time to read and reread and actually memorize the verses, let alone read and reread the meanings of those verses. To memorize a page is tough but with enough practice, insyaallah, it gets easier.

The same can then be said about my studies. If I put in as much time and effort into sitting down quietly and study, insyaallah, it'll get easier. I should stop seeing the hours spent reading and memorizing as hours that could've been better spent on studying. Rather, those hours spent are hours that would've otherwise gone to waste.

Alhamdulillah, 3 pages left.

By time,
Indeed Mankind is in loss,
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.(Surah Al-'Asr)

Gloomy Saturday

Professional Communication, over. FYP progress report, almost completed. Traffic Quiz, though it went horribly wrong, is over too. School occupies my thoughts to the brim. Oh, and there's this one that caught my.

Anws, 4 weeks to make some magic. Exams!

One week hides another

One week hides another,
And another hides another,
Never will it end, never.

For the management project, my group that consisted of 9 other members managed to pull some last minute magic. And somehow, the prof seems keen and interested that he wanted us to work with him to build on the project - even though the project component is over. So, a job well done, despite all the frustrations and misunderstanding of working in sucha large group. For the design project that I'm working on, me and five others managed to come up with something despite us being back to square one just last Friday. For my communication project that involves 3 others, just brilliant. Discussion, preparation of slides, editing of slides, rehearsals. Everyone's just so co-operative it's very refreshing. And for my final year project, we may fight and quarrel like husband and wife, yet time spent at the lab with him is always fun. Maybe I should be less bossy and demanding and stubborn. I still am too serious. Still the no nonsense kinda person. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy.

I need to reward myself with donuts, ice cream, durian and chocolate cake.

Date with the boys

Had another dinner date with the boys. And as always, we talked about the girls in my mind, or the lack of it, or not. They care. And are afraid that I might feel left out, or not.

I was consistent about the fact that I'm not ready but the part that got me stuck was the qualities I'd look out for in someone. The qualities that I gave were like flares trying to dodge a homing missile. Coz quite frankly, when I meet that someone, I'll know it and she'll know it and somehow, there's that chemistry.

And the rest will be unwritten.

And so I continue to dream, and pray. And irritate my friends. (Please dont stop asking me out for dinner.)

Brain exploding in 10 seconds..

Why does it feels as though I'm the only one pulling the strings? It's tiring. I so prefer working independently. Please let this phase be over soon.

*deep breaths*

Fear

“Fear Allāh; and Allāh teaches you” [Al-Baqarah: 282]

Exams, just seven weeks away. Deadlines. Presentations. Juggling several groups and discussions. Accommodating my floorball and soccer teammates. Games. Training sessions. Relationships with friends. Family. Snowballed tutorials and lecture notes. Quizzes. Exams.

Friday, already

Time flies. Whatever happened to the dreamy thinker who used to pen every other thoughts down almost every other day.

Final year project has been very interesting and fun. And the best part about it is my partner is the guy whom I first made friends with when I was in my first year of university.

I remember sitting in Effective Communications class - the first tutorial I had. I didnt know anyone in class. And then a couple of minutes after class started, a guy came in and sat next to me. We talked. Who knew 4 years on, we'll be doing our final project together.

Fate. All it takes is the right person, at the right place. A smile and a "Hi, what's your name? I'm Ali. I don't know anyone here. Nice to meet you."

Anyways, my point is... it's Friday, already. Like how it's my final year, finally. Like how I'm turning 24 in a couple of days time, really.

Time flies. So tell me, where do you see yourself in four years time?

In a constant state of evaluation

"Working under pressure is frustrating.

Group work is fun when members are cooperative, understanding and helpful. But when members take the easy way out by not being constructive and letting you solve the group's problem, it's infuriating. I then console myself by thinking: In the working world, you will never end up in your dream team. So deal with it.

11pm and I was still in school. Wrapped up the last discussion of the day, emailed our FYP Project Plan to the prof, and rushed back home. Last train was at 11.37pm from Pioneer to Jurong East MRT. Time I reached Pioneer MRT was 1130pm.

12 midnight. Sat opposite two guys. In baju kurung. Sighs, if only.

1230am. Mama managed to pull out a plate of rice, lauk lemak, sambal udang, plain naan and garlic naan from her magic hat. She and the brothers joined me for dinner. United versus Juventus was on TV.

Pressure. It dissipates. So don't allow yourself to be bothered by pressure. Deal with it and push on. I felt like cursing anyone who wasn't being helpful. I felt like crying. I felt like walking away and go on a holiday to some pulau. And then I'm reminded of the engineer at work who could juggle meetings, site inspections and personal admin matters with ease. I consoled myself, again: This is in preparation for the working world. If you don't have the grades, you gotta be hardworking.

140am. Time. 12 hours was spent in school doing school related stuffs. This made me ask myself if Im setting aside enough time for Him aside from the usual obligations. Having spent so much time just on school, the least I could do is to perform the sunnah prayers before/after every obligatory prayers. And to memorize a surah. Perhaps, fast for six days. And revise whatever's that been taught on Saturday's Quranic Arabic class. Yet none of these amount to the 12 hours spent in school or school's stuffs."

I was in the midst of writing the above 5 days ago when I fell asleep. I woke up, alive and ready for a new day, and saw the above unpublished entry. The title I had given it was "Pressure". I looked at the "Publish Post" button. And clicked the X button on the top right cornet of my Chrome window. I went to school. To say nothing is a flower, according to a Jap proverb, and a flower I shall try be.

Tonight, I realised I've not written for quite some time simply because days ended crazily late and I was just too tired. And tonight, looking back at what was written 5 days ago, I shake my head and smile for having written so much just because I was under pressure from school work. I could say that I'm blissfully trapped in a constant state of evaluation.

Looking back. Looking forward. Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections.

The Pursuit of Happyness

No man's an island. Even the strongest of person need a shoulder to lean on once in a while.

The Prophet had circles of friends. There's a small inner circle and a larger circle around this inner circle. His character, his influence, his conduct, his stories and my lack of knowledge. It's about time I read about his story and start emulating his traits one by one. Life's too short and I shouldn't allow the mind to be occupied by too much worldly stuffs. Still in pursuit of that elusive balance. I want to die in the midst of preparing for death.