478 days later

Ah yes. I had wanted to perform Hajj before marriage. And she remembers. Mothers are awesome like that. Though I do hope that I do not have to wait till 2018.

It's been 478 days since I last wrote. Many things have happened since then. Work and sleep taking up most of my time.

On work

Work was tough. Politics. And I had contemplated on leaving - for i felt like i was the weakest link and the team needed a stronger guy. My future employers even had my email created and had assigned me mentors to assist in my transition but at the last moment, I decided to stay and see the project through no matter how painful and stressful it will be. And true enough, it only got tougher. Both the Senior Project Manager as well as the Senior Project Engineer resigned just as we were about to reach the 19th storey construction. I had no choice but to see the project through. It's been a stressful but truly enriching experience. It should be over when the year ends. *takes a deep breath and fights on*

Oh, there was the crane collapse on site that fortunately had no casualties early this year!

On Family

This August saw both twins disrupting from National Service. It's back to school for them and boy are they not liking it! Seeing them complaining to Mama about how tough Uni life is reminds me of my tough 4 years too. Still, they're often seen listening to online lectures and doing the tutorials. May Allah make it easy for them both. The sister and Mama are all well. I miss writing about the stories that Mama often share during late night dinner after my work.

On Sweet Distraction
It's been a while since I've been sweetly distracted.
And alhamdulillah. Parallel lines do meet. I can't begin to describe how it all began. Till next time!

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect”

The Missing November

I don't know how many times I've been writing this but work does take time away from the things you love doing.

November's the month in which we had to relocate the showflat. The planning, safety, coordination and details and the endless chasing of people to get things done was a pretty draining process. Part of the learning, I'd tell myself. Reaching home late often meant a cranky or tired me. Some nights, I found myself sleeping in the living room within 10 minutes of a quick lie down. Even Mama stopped nagging at me for sleeping in my work clothes. Either that or I must not have heard.

There was a brief period in which me and Ma did Maghrib and Isya together, and I checked her recitation which was honestly, better than I thought. However, November came and broke whatever momentum there was. While I know I should not let work control me and the things I do outside work, sometimes it just happens. I remember ranting to my mum about my work and how tough it can be at times early this November. I remember her reminding me that this is what the working world is like. And she added, "Ini baru alam pekerjaan. Belum lagi alam percintaan. Belum lagi alam perkahwinan."

That this, is just the working world. That I've yet to go through the trials of love and marriage.

While I know that she's probably trying to tell me to hang on, that everything I'm going through at work is normal and that things are gonna be alright, I can't help but wonder if love and marriage would make things any easier. I'm reminded of how a colleague once shared how his wife joked that after marriage, she felt like a married widow - simply because her husband either worked late or comes back home too tired. I laughed, but fear the day my future wife says the same.

I remember that while ranting to my mum, the phone began to rang. My younger brother called from camp - the twins routinely call back home once in a while. He called to say hi and shared with my mum what went on in the day, complained about some things. And then moments later, my sister called from her trip overseas to say hello. I realized that we all turn to our mum to hear some words of comfort once in a while. No matter how much we feel that we've grown up, we need her words to remind when we forget and reassure us when we feel troubled.

I remember realizing how fortunate we are that our mom's a stay-at-home mum who looks after our needs. If she was a working mum, I wonder if she'd have the time and the strength to listen to her children's stories and complains and the likes. Or would she simply go to bed early, like I've been doing most of November.

And then I realized that I'd need someone to be there for me should the day come when my mum is no longer around. Someone whom I could call everyday and ask, "Hello. Nari masak apa? I'm on my way back." Someone who could hear me rant and offer some words of advice.

November also made me realize how I'm starting to feel a little more sensitive - like old people. I don't know why. I find myself thinking and reflecting about life and happiness. I find myself missing my siblings. I find myself thinking about my mother. And then I find myself tearing, again. Perhaps, it's been a while since I had my eyes washed. I guess the body has it's unique way of making things happen.

And then there's 3 weddings in November. And another 3 in December. And then there's the planned break in January. Hopefully the journey to the three mosques would be the break that could help sort out the mess and knots in my mind. Until then, hello December. Be nice.

One week hides another

One week hides another,
And another hides another,
Never will it end, never.

For the management project, my group that consisted of 9 other members managed to pull some last minute magic. And somehow, the prof seems keen and interested that he wanted us to work with him to build on the project - even though the project component is over. So, a job well done, despite all the frustrations and misunderstanding of working in sucha large group. For the design project that I'm working on, me and five others managed to come up with something despite us being back to square one just last Friday. For my communication project that involves 3 others, just brilliant. Discussion, preparation of slides, editing of slides, rehearsals. Everyone's just so co-operative it's very refreshing. And for my final year project, we may fight and quarrel like husband and wife, yet time spent at the lab with him is always fun. Maybe I should be less bossy and demanding and stubborn. I still am too serious. Still the no nonsense kinda person. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy.

I need to reward myself with donuts, ice cream, durian and chocolate cake.

Brain exploding in 10 seconds..

Why does it feels as though I'm the only one pulling the strings? It's tiring. I so prefer working independently. Please let this phase be over soon.

*deep breaths*

In a constant state of evaluation

"Working under pressure is frustrating.

Group work is fun when members are cooperative, understanding and helpful. But when members take the easy way out by not being constructive and letting you solve the group's problem, it's infuriating. I then console myself by thinking: In the working world, you will never end up in your dream team. So deal with it.

11pm and I was still in school. Wrapped up the last discussion of the day, emailed our FYP Project Plan to the prof, and rushed back home. Last train was at 11.37pm from Pioneer to Jurong East MRT. Time I reached Pioneer MRT was 1130pm.

12 midnight. Sat opposite two guys. In baju kurung. Sighs, if only.

1230am. Mama managed to pull out a plate of rice, lauk lemak, sambal udang, plain naan and garlic naan from her magic hat. She and the brothers joined me for dinner. United versus Juventus was on TV.

Pressure. It dissipates. So don't allow yourself to be bothered by pressure. Deal with it and push on. I felt like cursing anyone who wasn't being helpful. I felt like crying. I felt like walking away and go on a holiday to some pulau. And then I'm reminded of the engineer at work who could juggle meetings, site inspections and personal admin matters with ease. I consoled myself, again: This is in preparation for the working world. If you don't have the grades, you gotta be hardworking.

140am. Time. 12 hours was spent in school doing school related stuffs. This made me ask myself if Im setting aside enough time for Him aside from the usual obligations. Having spent so much time just on school, the least I could do is to perform the sunnah prayers before/after every obligatory prayers. And to memorize a surah. Perhaps, fast for six days. And revise whatever's that been taught on Saturday's Quranic Arabic class. Yet none of these amount to the 12 hours spent in school or school's stuffs."

I was in the midst of writing the above 5 days ago when I fell asleep. I woke up, alive and ready for a new day, and saw the above unpublished entry. The title I had given it was "Pressure". I looked at the "Publish Post" button. And clicked the X button on the top right cornet of my Chrome window. I went to school. To say nothing is a flower, according to a Jap proverb, and a flower I shall try be.

Tonight, I realised I've not written for quite some time simply because days ended crazily late and I was just too tired. And tonight, looking back at what was written 5 days ago, I shake my head and smile for having written so much just because I was under pressure from school work. I could say that I'm blissfully trapped in a constant state of evaluation.

Looking back. Looking forward. Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections.

The things I busy myself with

Cover letter. Resume. Final Year Project. Readings. Prof meeting. Integrated Design meeting. Vasco Da Gama. Traffic tutorial. Waste Characterization. Last 8 nights. And other non-urgent but important issues nonetheless.

Prioritize. Strength. Patience.

Week 3 of 13, here too soon. Need good grades to land a decent job.

Stress ey?

Stress is a sucky feeling in times like this.

Over the next 8 days, I'll be sitting for 6 more papers and the feeling truly sucks. While the semester seemed to have started great, it kinda went downhill somehow. If there's a lesson to be learnt this semester, it's about consistency. (IT'S NOT EASY TO BE CONSISTENT!!)

Anws, I was freakily stressed for my first paper last Saturday. No information seems to be going into this thick skull of mine. A Facebook comment told me to read 20 : 25-28. I immediately flipped the Quran. I realized it was lines I used to always read 3 times before the start of every examination that I sat for.... when I was in primary school. I guess I stopped as I grew older. I then read the translation that was written at the sides. It calmed me down a great deal.

The next day, I grabbed my brother's jacket and the other brother's pencil and went for my paper. Knowing that they're with me, helps. That said, it doesn't really make the paper any easier. Haha.

8 more days. Hope things go decently okay.

Like a lost floc

But somehow, it gets harder to study when the crucial dates get closer. I don't feel too good. And I thought being in my third year, I'd become a tad smarter in terms of managing my time. I don't feel prepared. I'm scared. I feel like a lost floc settling so freaking slowly down a bottomless sedimentation tank.

I'm gonna walk into the examination hall, scribble some stuffs and walk away hoping to get a grade for it. Again. And if I don't, well, I could try again next semester. And the next. Sigh.

Mum's been asking how's school. The people I study with in school. The place where I sleep whenever I spend the night in school. The food I eat. Sighs. Each time she asks, I'll give the "shrugs-your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine" look and say, "I don't know."

I think she knows I'm struggling. I think I just found out I'm struggling and now, I just feel like vanishing into thin air. Irresponsible of me, I know. And then I saw a note on Facebook:

How to get an A Grade Final Exam?
By Muhammad Alshareef

1. In school, you can often redo your exam if you fail. In the
hereafter, if one fails there is no going back.

2. In school, you often do not know what questions will be asked. In
the hereafter, there are only 3 questions: Who is your Lord? What is
your Deen? And who is this man who was sent to you? But the answers
are answers you live by.

3. In school, we stay up at night to prepare for the exam the next
day. So too in Allah's exam, we should be staying up in night prayers.

4. In school, we pray and hope and work for an outstanding mark. So
too should be our attitude towards Allah's exam.

5. In school, when we get a great mark, we erupt with happiness. So
too will the believers erupt in happiness when they get their books in
their right hands. Work for it.

6. In school, when we get a bad mark, sadness can be seen on our
faces, and we dislike to face others. So too in the hereafter. Protect
yourself from that.

7. During a school exam, you cannot ask anyone for help. In the
hereafter, you can prepare from now to get assistance from Allah's
Messenger, the Quran, and other ways of intercession.

8. In school, when exam time draws near, we banish distractions to
focus on what is really important. In Allah's exam, isn't death within
1 heart beat? Banish distractions and focus.

9. In school, until exam results come out, we worry about the result.
In Allah's exam, we don't know what our result will be, so we spend
our days in hope and worry until the results come out.

Dear God, help me. For nothing is easy except what You have made easy.

Week 6: Quiz Week

We're nearing the middle of our semester and I ....

... I feel somewhat afraid. But everytime I feel afraid, I take deep breaths and push on. Tomorrow is just one quiz. Friday is just another. I'm supposed to be prepared for these quizzes but if I'm not, I need to remember that fear and stress will not make these quizzes go away. The quizzes will not get any easier.

So yeah, deep breaths and think happy thoughts. Allow your mind to wander for a while. Think of people and their smiles. Smile. We can do it.

The Fine Lines

Being too worked up often leads to depression. Being calm and positive sometimes lead to complacency.

That balance is oh so elusive. I'm midway through my University education but I've yet to find that balance. This semester, I think I've strayed a short distance into the Valley of Complacency.

In the name of Allah the Beneficent the Merciful.

O Allah I seek forgiveness from those things which I have repeated after repenting for it and I repent to You for those things which was intended for You but while doing it the intention was changed which was not for You.

And I seek Your forgiveness from those bounties which was bestowed for Your obedience but I used for Your disobedience and I repent for it that there is no one other than Allah, He is the living, the self existing, Knower of the unseen and present everywhere, the Beneficent the Merciful. I seek forgiveness for all those sins which I have committed and of all those sins which I have initiated.

O Allah give me perfect intelligence and enlighten my wishes and intellect, clean heart, abundance knowledge, clear ethics, all these things which are beneficial to me and not harmful to me. O the one who is most Beneficial by Your mercy, "I seek refuge in Allah there is no lord except Him, the living, the self existent to Him do I repent.

Quick Scrib

Here's a quick scribble.

I was most productive today despite having only 3 hours sleep. Wasnt sleepy since 8 am. I was motivated and focused. Not sure if it's due to the lack of sleep or simply the lack of time.

First two days of the week spent in school. Late nights. Helpful coursemates. Accommodating. I'm thankful.

Relationships though are ... *Sighs* Once broken, it's almost impossible to piece them back together to how they were at the start. Shall let time repair 3 broken ones. May I break no more. Meanwhile, it's all about the coming 3 weeks.

Oh, the horror..

The inevitable stress is finally creeping in. It's creeping in like the scary lady in white with long dark hair that slowly creeps out of the TV after that weird phone call. If stress had a name, she'll be called Samara.

Help, I'm scared. She's round the corner. (And I'm talking about stress.)

Not mad. Just talking to myself.

The words of 30th March still lingers. This amidst major understanding of the method of superposition.

Dear me,

If you're reading this, the exams for the first semester of your third year is round the corner. Right now though, you're currently 5 days away from your Computational Methods paper which is on the 22nd. After this first hurdle, you'll be left with 3 days to prepare for your Civil Engineering Materials, Structures 1 and Material Science papers. This is then followed by 4 days (of preparation) before your last block of papers - Singapore Architecture and Geotechnical Engineering.

You're currently toying with the idea of taking a gap year. Pay a small fee to maintain your status in school so that you can slowly try to understand every single concepts that you barely understand now. Like I said, you're just toying with this idea in case this semester turns out to be a bad one.

Let me tell you the reason for my toying with this idea. I want to be an engineer. I know my analytical mind can understand and analyze structures and beam if given the right amount of time. I want to understand the mechanics of soil and materials rather than blindly memorize formulas and subbing in values into them. I've reached a point where I want to work towards my dream. The day of studying just to get a piece of paper stops today. I want to go to Australia and increase my probability of getting a job there. I want to grow as an engineer. I want to go to places and help people - the floodings in Kelantan, landslides in KL....

Only if this chase fails will I then use the paper to do some other unrelated things like being a teacher or something like that. Now, if only you can tell me if there's a happy ending to this semester.

You've been at it for Structures 1 simply because there's no way you can afford to flunk this one module as it's a pre-requisite to 3 other modules in the coming semester. Exams suck big time. I'm still the same old last minute guy. There wasnt much consistency this semester.

These few days though, you were able to understand more concepts than you ever did in the past few weeks. I think it's the pressure I'm feeling. We're running out of time. If you're reading and wondering how you should approach your third year, I'll suggest you to READ UP BEFORE LECTURES AND ASK FOR HELP RIGHT FROM THE START. And SLEEP LATE to mug! And ask help from your friends on a regular basis. You have wonderful friends who are more than willing to teach. These people are the ones who make life in Civil Engineering worth the while.

Back to work. That's all for now.

Yours truly,
M.e.

The Best of Both

Hadith:

On the authority of Ibn 'Umar r.a, who said: The Messenger of Allah (SAW), took me by the shoulder and said:

"Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler/wayfarer."

Ibn 'Umar r.a used to say:

"When evening comes, do not expect (to live till) morning, and when morning comes, do not expect (to live till) evening. Take from your health (a preparation) for your illness, and from your life for your death." [Al-Bukhari]

If your mind's currently in a mess, reflect upon the above as you digress from your revision. Let's not be too overwhelmed by tests, quizzes, assignments, reports, presentations and the inevitable final exams. When the going gets too tough, remember that we're only a traveler in this world.

We come, and we go.

As we prepare for the final exams, as we push ourselves beyond our limits, try ask ourselves if we're prepared for our next life. Maybe then, if the answer is no (I noe mine's a big NO), it puts the stress we're facing in perspective. This balance is hard to achieve I know. But we can try.

Entries with quotes from the Quran or the Hadith such as this will appear once in a while - usually when this writer feels so full of himself. It serves as a gentle reminder to himself, and to whoever's reading insyaallah, to strive for that balance in life.

To achieve the best of both worlds, always.

Run Boy, Run...

Life is like a roller coaster. He's afraid of roller coasters and all its vicious twists and turns.

After a long day of project discussion, his brain was fried. Fried like eggs that was left on the stove too long coz while cooking, a telemarketer called and went on and on about products he knew no one will buy and when he noticed that awful smokey smell, he knows it's too late. He knows that the eggs have been fried beyond recognition and that there's nothing he can do.

"Stress. I feel like driving a car into a wall."

He clicked "Send SMS" after having double checked the number of his receiver. He waits patiently for a reply as a thousand thoughts ran through his mind.


*******

He got home to an empty house. He hates empty houses.

He washed up. Prayed. Read the Quran.

Dear God, please give me the strength to carry on. I feel so weak. I'm losing the plot. Help me. Please.

If only there was a reply.

An hour later, the siblings came home with Mother right behind them.

"Ma, the meeting was long. I feel so tired. Why is it so hard? I thank God for the strength he's given me for if I wasn't strong, I would've done silly things. Why?"

She looked at him in disgust. He saw it coming. Mama hates it whenever he talks about giving up to the point where it sounds as though he's at world's end and will take that final leap off to nowhere. But Pablo just needed to see that look of disgust to know that Mama's paying attention. He felt her concern. She was all ears.

"This is getting tiring. 2 more years. I need to hold on for 2 more years Ma. It's hard."

"Then why is it that your other friends are doing well?"

"I don't know lah Ma. I've been thinking. When a Muslim is stressed, he prays. He reads the Quran. He asks for help and guidance. When a non-Muslim is stressed, they do not pray to God. They try harder. But why do they always end up doing so well? I just don't understand. Is this God's way of testing my patience and willpower to carry on? If it is, I don't think I can go on lah Ma. It's hard."

He knew better than to ask questions no one can answer. But he just needed to ask them out loud.

"Pray. And tell Him that the pressure's too much for you to handle. Ask him to lighten the pressure a little. Perform Tahajjud in the late hours of the night. Insyaallah, things will be better."

"Mama, the Tahajjud's the hardest to perform. I can hardly wake up for Fajr. And besides, if this is too much for me, what about the suffering of Nabi Ayub? He suffered more but he didn't complain. And Ma, I also do not know why I am complaining. It's hard lah Ma." Pablo sighed.

"Just try."

He smiled. Everything's out on the table. Mama knows her son's upset and loosing his composure. She has done her part to get him back up on his feet. Now it's all up to him.

Dear God, please give me the strength to carry on. I feel so weak. I'm losing the plot. Help me. Please.

This time round, he doesn't need a reply.

Life is like a roller coaster. You can be happy some weeks, and depressed on others. What's important is that you have people around you who are there when you need them the most. It's hard to find friends who listen. And even when you do find them, it's useful to remember that no one likes to listen to pathetic and miserable stories.

This is the reason why I keep on writing. If you do not want to keep things bottled up, you let it all out .... on a blog, through stories. And you don't just run, boy. You got to stay and keep on fighting.

The Fight

"Has there not been over man a period of time when he was nothing to be mentioned?"

A quick flip of the Quran after the end of my Soil Mechanics paper brought me to Surah Al-Insan(Man) or Ad-Dahr(Time). I wasn't feeling too good after being slaughtered by the muddy monster. And the first verse caught my eye. I knew there were definitely several period of time in my life when I was feeling worthless - reduced to nothingness. I knew lousy papers werent exactly good reasons to feel worthless about but sometimes, just sometimes, I can't help but think that I'll never be able to master my school work no matter how hard I try.

"And they give food, inspite of their love for it to the Miskin(poor), the orphan, and the captive. Saying: "We feed you seeking Allah's Countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you. Verily, We fear from our Lord a Day, hard and distressful, that will make the faces look horrible (from extreme dislike to it). So Allah saved them from the evil of that Day, and gave them Nadrah (a light of beauty) and joy. And their recompense shall be Paradise, and silken garments, because they were patient."

Why do I not fear a Day that will be hard and distressful? I know that being slaughtered by Soil Mechanics, Physics 1 and Mechanics of Materials can hardly be called hard and distressful. During the few hours when I'd allowed myself to entertain silly thoughts about giving up, I asked myself why I am not patient. I asked myself why friends of mine can work so hard and get the results, but I cant. Sometimes, I felt as though the time and hard work I put into something goes to waste.

"It is We who created them (disbelievers), and We have made them of strong built. And when We will, We can replace them with others like them with a complete replacement."

Perhaps they were made of strong built. That might explain why they're up there while Im still stuck down below. However, it doesn't mean that we're not made of strong built. Perhaps its a test of how much we want to achieve and how far we're willing to go to get what we want in this life. I asked myself why, despite the time and effort, I still can't do it. Should I keep fighting?

"Verily! This (verses of the Quran) is an admonition, so whoever wills, let him take a Path to Allah. But you cannot will, unless Allah wills. Verily, Allah is Ever All-Knowing, All-Wise."

We should never stop fighting the fight - even though we know we're losing.

The Crossroad

I was on the train back home thinking about things. The word 'crossroad' came to mind. I then stopped my train of thoughts so that I could think about it now - as I write(I don't like to think about things twice). My Physics paper this afternoon was a bad one despite me knowing what to expect having failed it last semester. And when the paper was over, I was confused. I wasn't sure whether I should stay positive and look forward to my final two papers or to dwell on the paper just passed and slam myself for not preparing for it as well as I could have. I know the latter's a definite waste of my time. But I'm not sure about the former either - I'm not sure when optimism crosses the line of madness.

I'm always giving advices, silly words of encouragements and telling friends not to dwell too much on the past and to look on the bright side of it all instead. But seeing many feeling depressed and upset over the littlest things made me wonder if I'm "mad" for always looking at the glass half full. I don't think I am, but why the self-doubt? I feel like I'm at a crossroad - feeling unsure as to which path I should take.

On the bright side though, I felt that my previous 3 papers went well. Alhamdulillah. Last semester, I felt great after my Physics paper and ended up getting an F for it. So this time around, I've learnt to expect the unexpected. A failure isn't the end of the road. Two consecutive failures .... I'd like to think of it as a final wake up call to really a rhythm that suits me best.

The two biggest monsters, Soil Mechanics and Mechanics of Materials, await me next week. While they're clearly my weakest two modules, there's really nothing much that I can do now besides making smart use of the next couple of days and hope for the best.

Can't wait for all this to be over. There's a movie that I've been wanting to watch and never had the chance to, but will - 500 Days of Summer.

"This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen, grew up believing that he’d never be truly happy until he met “the one.” The girl, Summer Finn, did not share this belief. You should know upfront: this is not a love story."

A New Line

Tonight a line, that crossed my friend's line many many weeks ago, crossed his, as well as mine. Sometimes, I surprise myself with my ability to "read" someone's possible course of action. Or perhaps, it could simply be fate at work. I guess meeting someone on the bus or the train back home isnt such a distant dream afterall. A slight change of perspective can make school sucha wonderful place.

It's surprising - the simple pleasures in life that we often ignore.

When the going gets tough....

For some reason, despite my attempts to be positive and composed, I wrote on my Facebook wall that school suddenly feels like one big sick impossible game - and I'm hoping this feeling is temporal.

Tonight, I see my younger brothers decide what to wear for their job interview tomorrow despite their exams in the coming week. I see my sister buy me a fan to replace the noisy dying one in my room without me asking her for it. Tonight, I realize that we're all growing up and supporting one another in our own little ways. One of the things that Dad said before his leaving was how he knew we'd make our mother happy. I guess he knew before we even knew - and we're doing our best to prove him right, insyaallah.

Things like these, knowing that Mama will always be behind us as well as the little sweet distraction at the back of my mind are enough to make me want to continue playing the one big sick impossible game called school.

“O Allah, I hope for Your mercy, so give me not over to my self even for as little as a wink of an eye, and set right all my affairs, there is no god but You.”

Source: Abu Daw’ud

“O Allah, I seek refuge in Thee from incapacity, from sloth, from cowardice, from miserliness, decrepitude and from torment of the grave. O Allah, grant to my soul the sense of righteousness and purify it, for Thou art the Best Purifier thereof. Thou art the Protecting friend thereof, and Guardian thereof. O Allah, I seek refuge in Thee from the knowledge which does not benefit, from the heart that does not entertain the fear (of Allah), from the soul that does not feel contented and the supplication that is not responded.”

Source: Sahih Muslim, hadith 1260

Patience

"Be patient (in adversity); for, verily, God will not let the reward of the righteous be wasted."

— The Holy Quran, Chapter 11, Verse 115

"[W]hoever abstains from asking others, Allah will make him contented, and whoever tries to make himself self-sufficient, Allah will make him self-sufficient. And whoever remains patient, Allah will make him patient. Nobody can be given a blessing better and greater than patience."

— Prophet Muhammad (s) as reported by Abu Said Al Khudri in Sahih Bukhari, vol 2 hadith 548

I can feel a wave of panic and surrender coming. Negative Facebook statuses and comments like how one's tired of everything, tired of school, tired of life are beginning to affect me. My mind was not at ease despite the countless entries on sweet distractions. How could I not have noticed that the frequent entries about my sweet distractions are signs to myself that I'm being distracted from school. The harder school gets, the more I try to distract myself. It seems to me that such entries are my way of escaping the harsh reality of school. I seem to be calmer and "more in control" due to my ability to shift negative stresses to something that I like - things like writing. But is it good?

Nevertheless, I know that no matter how hard I try to be in control, I'll crack the moment I say that I've got things under control. Hence why I'll try to never again say that I'm in control of my situation. Coz I'm not. He is. And time and time again, I forget that He's in control. And I forget to be thankful and grateful.

As Muslims, we are in direct communication with the Almighty. He is the only One Who not only hears and knows all, but Who can change our situation and give us the patience to deal with our difficulties.

"Remember Me, and I shall remember you; be grateful to Me, and deny Me not"
(Quran 2:152)

39 more days to the finals. Stay positive. Keep working. Keep trying. And doa. Insyaallah, all will be fine.