Eid 2011

Salaam,

Eid this year feels different. For some reasons I don't feel as happy as I was when I was younger. Maybe coz life's less fun when one gets older. Maybe it's the school assignments and tasks due that's lingering at the back of my head. Maybe it's the transition from Ramadhan routine to one that's a little different (if I allow it to differ). Or maybe sebab tak dapat duit raya.

It feels different coz I do not seem to miss the presence of Dad as much as I used to in the past. I think about him, I pray for him, but it feels as though I've forgotten about him. That I've moved on.

Also, I miss my friends.

Final day

It's been a week of self-confinement, thoughts wise.

A friend asked if something happened coz I become less cheerful. Another asked, "Why so serious?" and said, "Be flexible. Laugh." How do I explain to them that I smile only when no one's looking? And that I smile when I'm supposed to laugh and I laugh only when I'm supposed to roll-on-floor-laughing or laugh-out-loud. There's enough reasons that I can think off for me not to smile or laugh for no good reason. Just knowing there's someone out there quietly suffering is enough reason for me - orphans, parents who do not receive their due respect, old people having to beg or collect cardboards, and the likes. And when I laugh, it's like I'm no longer sharing the pain and sorrow of these strangers. Not laughing as and when I please is like the least that I can do to acknowledge and respect these strangers. For I used to find myself suffering in silence too.

Or maybe, when I was a kid, I remember hearing from somewhere that it's better to cry now and laugh in the hereafter than to laugh now, and cry later.

Words. Words from the past I seem to remember and latch on to and attempt to live up to. Words said to me, if it's meaningful, I'll not forget. Words said to me, if it's hurtful, I'll forgive but not forget. Words said to me, if it's just empty words, I will forget.

The last day of Ramadhan. This year's definitely different from the previous one. Next year, I hope to do it some place different. Insyaallah.

The things I busy myself with

Cover letter. Resume. Final Year Project. Readings. Prof meeting. Integrated Design meeting. Vasco Da Gama. Traffic tutorial. Waste Characterization. Last 8 nights. And other non-urgent but important issues nonetheless.

Prioritize. Strength. Patience.

Week 3 of 13, here too soon. Need good grades to land a decent job.

Things (always) happen for a reason

When your kids say things that make the past 22 years of life seem worthless, you'd cry. I don't think she made Mama cried but I sure did, somewhat. Perhaps it was a mixture of emotions from having watched 100 Hari on TV1. Perhaps it was because of the brain going into overdrive with questions such as:

Where could it have gone wrong? Why did she say that? Did she think when she say that? What have I done wrong? How does she aspect me to show my love?

And then the mind started to direct the questions towards me. The blame-yourself-before-you-blame-others mechanism must've triggered itself. Clearly I have not been the best of brothers. Far from able to fill in dad's shoes. That feeling of incompetence or lacking that little something must've made me shed tears enough to cleanse my whole face. Or maybe it was just His way of making experience the feeling of crying as I read the Quran....


23:1 Sungguh beruntung orang-orang yang beriman,
23:2 (yaitu) orang yang khusyuk dalam salatnya,
23:3 dan orang yang menjauhkan diri dari (perbuatan dan perkataan) yang tidak berguna


Whatever the reason may be, it's for everyone to reflect.