Dep

U look at the ships and the ships look back at you. U look at the sea and the sea looks back at you.

And after 12 hours .... ping pong time! haha... im improving!!

Haveta admit that i was feeling really down the past few days .... For no particular reason whatsoever. But being around my guys , playing tabletennis and xbox, is slowly making me happier...

And im even more happy that i'll be off duty on Hari Raya!... yups... till next time.

A new beginning

The start of the fasting month has always been about new beginnings. Wanting to make this year's ramadhan better than last year's and what better way to start the month off with new that my mama wanted to perform the Haj. She'll be leaving sometime in december.... for 30 days.. that's what my bro told me.

My first reaction was "HUH?" coz i just got back home from live firing ytd midnite when the news reached me. My brother told me while mama was standing next to him.

Next was "Why?" which was a dumb qn to ask but still ..... there wasnt any talk abt her wanting to go before ytd night. So it was kindof a shock. She told me her reason. Only me and my siblings would understand.

Next was "With who?" to which she replied alone.

"Alone?"

"Yes alone."

"Why?"

No reply. None was needed anw. Was a dumb qn.

Final qn, "How much?" to which she replied $9000. And it was only then that i was feeling happy for my mum. Im proud of her too. After what's just happen, she's leaving us for a mth. We ve got the money and mama's finally got the chance to perform the haj. I have no objections.

Of course the thought of her leaving us is enough to make me tear. Her safety and all that.Well i noe that God will take care of her there and that's all that i need to ease my fears.

hmm.... a month of maggie mees for us then..

....i think i'm fine...

I was bored last week. Just finished reading a book, and embarked on a new one. After 130 pages, my body was aching; I like to read lying down on my stomach on my bed. And i was thinking, what could i do next? I could go outside and watch tv. Or go to the kitchen to look for snacks which i noe doesnt exist. Or i could just remain on my bed, close my eyes and imagine what'll it'll be like if i went outside to watch tv. Or what it's like to go to the kitchen to look for snacks that doesnt exist. Or going out with my friends to anywhere but my home.

BUt i saw my sis's laptop on my study table. Been using it to play Need for Speed Underground 2 till i got bored. That was when i started on my new book. Anws, i decided to use the net, and after minutes of mindless surfing, i blogged.

And i didnt blog the way i usually would. (Was looking back at my past posts after i typed this line) Didnt realise that i sound quite dead. But as i was saying, i chose to write as though im writing. Writing as in writing a book and not just some random scribblings. So i started out writing about the book ive finished reading. BUt somehow or rather, i began writing about me. My life. Something i wanted to avoid writing too much about.

Mama was the lucky first. Then my dad. And eventually it was about me. SOmehow, looking back, it seems as though i was like a young child wanting everyone to pay attention to me. It kindof seem like a stunt to get people to notice me. Obviously it worked. But the thing is, a child would feel happy having gotten others to notice him. So i guess i am too. It's as though i needed the assurance that i'm not my own society. There are others with me too.

And then there's the internet connection. That was written by the me who wasnt thinking. I told someone about it and everything just seem to fall into place nicely.

So see, now im talking as though everything's fine. Wells, come to think of it, everything's still rather manageable. Coz u see, sometimes, i see the glass in front of me half empty. And i noe that i can choose to see it half full too!

And now that i dun seem like im losing it... i'll talk about something else. Driving license to be exact.

Mama talked to me about getting a license. And said that my sister also wants to go learn driving. And i was like, finally, a catalyst that's bound to make me learn driving. But all of a sudden, i realise something's missing. Im missing a dad who could tell me a thing or two about driving coz as far as im concerned, he is the best driver ive ever known. We did talk once about when i think i want to get my license. That was when i was working with him. So i was thinking, haha.... he could sponser me!!

BUt now that im sponsering myself, ive gotta think twice coz ive got to sponser so many other things. If i dun withdraw anymore money, my bank will finally go above the $4000 mark next month. ANd my mission will be to not go below that mark. And once i hit $5000, i'll try not go below that mark. I talked about getting a license with the guys in my MG course bunk-- 3 guys in their late 20s. Shared their experience with me... road tax and insurance and installments and patrol and what not per month... it's something that my dad could be telling me about if he was around. And it seems like getting a car is a no no in the near future. License wise... gotta think about it some more... shall take my time going about it....

So yea, tink i'll keep on trying to be the guy i said i wanna be dib. ANd nizar, both u and i and everyone noes that if we meet up, i wun be talking much ...as always. And kim, i hope beyond hope too that the future will be bright.

Till next time.

Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio

Yet another week has passed and looking at my life thus far, it seems as though i live to count the number of years i have left. A little depressing and worrying, I know. Why this has been so, I dont know.

Ive been reading a book during the week that is almost coming to an end. The Society of Others. It's about an alienated young man who can see no meaning in life. He doesnt even see the point of getting out of bed in the morning. Being confined to the four walls of his room, looking out of his window, watching TV ... tt's his idea of life. You might sort of have realised why i borrowed this book yea?

Anws, his dad left him this amount of money telling him to go out and explore. And he took the thousand Euro and pasted the notes on his walls. Kind of like how i pasted revision notes on my wall. As i was saying, one day, he was lookin out his window and saw this pigeon on his window ledge. The pigeon was staring at him like it wanted to tell him something.

He asked without actually asking what is it that the pigeon wants to tell him. The pigeon flew off. That was when he decided to pack a bag - a pair of jeans, a tshirt, a pair of underwear, a pair of socks - and some money and began a journey.

The story brought me on a journey with him to i still dun noe where. It remains a mystery. A philosophical book i must say. Kind of irritating to have spent a week reading the book without having a proper "happily ever after" ending. But the way he wrote it, it's like reading a story that i could have written about myself some years in the future. I travelled across Europe without actually going anywhere. Somehow ive rekindled the interest i used have with books.

Im currently somewhere in the US, living the life of a music journalist turned Uncle Agony for some teen mag after the mag company he was working for folded. Spent half of today reading 130 pages.. Shows how great im living my life huh? Anws, i like it.. at least for this phase of my life when i simply do not know how tomorrow will be? What'll i do in future? My mama...

She's really having trouble controlling my siblings who doesnt seem to be willing to listen to her. Thus her frequent nagging. And i dun really noe how to go about helping her. It's not as if i cant punish my siblings like how i would, but i choose not to, with my men in camp. Normally, if we become out of hand, mama would simply tell dad of the going-ons and he'll be the one to discipline us.

Ive not really stepped into my dad's shoes. Being the man of the family. It's a tremendous job to sign up for. And ive been kind of avoiding doing my job. Being in camp sort of made this possible. Though both dad and i are size 10, and though i do wear some of his shoes, it's just this one pair of shoes that i just dont feel like wearing. Yes, i know i have no choice and that i'll wear it one day. Im waiting for that one day to come. Somehow, I keep thinking that that day would be the day mama leaves her pair of shoes behind .... her pair of shoes plus her many other pair of shoes plus a whole wardrobe of clothes. I hope id step into the household scene soon.

Mama tells me that it's been 3 months since dad left us. In my mind i went like "hmmm" and oh, i didnt realise it was so. Or more like, was it important how long it's been since he left us? All i know is this -- he left us.

I live to count the days i have left. And now i realise my mama lives and counts the days he left us. This makes me wonder what kind of life am i living. A self-centred life? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, i am making $700 a month, an amount which i dun really noe how much it's worth. I mean i do give my mama a share of my allowance. The thing is i dun really noe how much we're actually spending a month. Our phone bills, and net bills, and utilities bill and my bros and sis allowance and groceries and who noes what else i dun noe about. All i could do now is to frequently walk round the house and switch of whatever appliances we're not using. Like someone with OCD. Im not obsessed. Maybe i am.

I never talk to mama about such stuffs. Maybe because she seems okay everytime i come home. No problems whatsoever. I hope beyond hope that all is well. And like how she used to say that prior to the days before dad fell ill, she felt very distant from him.... Im sort of feeling the same way. It's not mama who is keeping a distant from me but more like the other way round.

I am keeping a distant from mama. Maybe without me realising it.

I seem to be running out of words as the days go on by. Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio. Either be silent or let your speech be better than silence. A quote from The Society of Others. Somehow i always think that i could never be part of a nice conversation. Or at the very least a decent conversation. Even with my mama. sighs.

Could it be that im going? I am afterall, going for my MG live firing next week. Enough with all this. But who knows? No one expected dad to fall ill all of a sudden. Right?

I am still thinking whether i should terminate this internet connection of mine. it's a good $40 a month... and a significant cut on electricity bill coz surfing the net is what my sis do best. and i realise ive been using it to check my mail and blog.. On weekends only. And it's becomin clear that i shouldnt really waste my time with all this because.... because of what i cant really figure out exactly. But terminating would mean im shutting myself out from the rest of you whom i can only reach via the Net coz im still not a people person. But considering that ive been kind of alone most of the time, i wun really be shutting myself out coz it seems that ive been doing it since wen i dun noe. But a part of me just dun want to. Maybe i was right when i said that i wont terminate till i get my reply. Whatever i might mean...

You could tell how im spending my time at home by just looking at how long tis entry is. Longest since i dunnoe when. Well then... hope you guys are living your life fully. And to my sis, you are not allowed to live life fully. You are within the boundaries set by mama.... be home on time. Wake up early. Help her out. Help her control our twins. Enough with MSN and the net. Enough with friends if possible. And heard that u wanted to buy an MP3 player. Dun waste money even though it comes from ur own bank. I wanted to buy a digi cam with the surplus money i got for getting IPPT gold. But time changes everything. Each an every single cent we have means everything. What if it's true, that i am going? We dont just live for today. Nor do we just live for tomorrow.

We live for today, tomorrow as well as the many many days i see in the bumpy future ahead.



The End

Why cant i?

Why cant i stop feeling the way im feeling right now? .... why?....

I could be feeling bored and i wanna stop feelin this way but i cant.

I could be feeling happy and i wanna stop feelin this way.... Why cant i not be happy?

I could be feeling dumb and foolish and seems like im wasting my time... and i wanna stop feelin this way...

There's a million and one "could be"s ....... And only i noe the right one...

-out of sheer boredom-

This past week

im feelin bored yet again. When im in camp, i look forward to going home. Surfing the net, checking my mail. But now tt im home, having surfed the net and checked my mail, i really wished i was still in camp.

Camp life has been fun so far. Played soccer like in the morning, at night and the next morning the past 2 days. Playing the PS2 seems to be part of the timetable. Sleeping time... nap time... its all taken care of. Very very relaxing. Which is why i get bored on weekends. Nothing to look forward to (besides bookin in). Am going for a course next week. heard it'll be a fairly relaxed one. Lookin forward to it. Think i would go to the library... look for books to read. To fill time.

So many things going on.... but none that can be written in this space of mine. Maybe im just lazy.

Just another entry

Came back from p6 class reunion. Not all managed to turn up but we still had a great time. Catching up on each other... reminiscing the past. It was just sweet. Especially after 6 years of not seeing each other. But once the clock went past 10, i was feelin a lil restless coz i dun really like to stay outside home so late. Still not used to it. Maybe coz i also wanna set a gd example for my bros.... mama would get worried if her children is still not back home even though its so late. yea.

All of a sudden, ive got at least 10 "new" friends. everyone seemed very very nice to everyone. Hope to get to catch up more with them thru msn... ive got more ppl to talk to.

Have i talked about my first week in 6 SIR? hmm... felt as if i have. But i havent. And i dun have the drive i used to have to write abt it. Am just feelin a bit low at the moment for no apparent reason. -moody-

Wished i could be in p6 now... and start afresh.