Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Le Voyageur (The Traveler)

I've added a new tab above called Life and Islam: Through my eyes. It's a new space that I created on Tumblr to dump heavier thoughts regarding life and Islam.

Inspiration was what I prayed for in my previous post. Just so you know, Monday's like daisies. Tuesday's a rose, alhamdulillah. If I'm not here, I'm there, somewhere, on a journey.

For I've decided to be in this world as a traveler.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Motivation. The lack of it.

Dear God,

I'm in need of inspiration,
Suffering from a lack of motivation.

I can't explain this situation that I'm in,
But I know that strength lies somewhere within.

Find that inner strength I will, if You will,
Dear heart, be still.

Know that nothing is easy except what He have made easy.
Nothing is easy except what He have made easy.
Please make the difficult easy.

Time. Till next time.

By Al-'Asr (the time),
Verily! Man is in loss,
Except those who believe and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth, and recommend one another to patience.

...Surah Al-Asr

Thursday, February 17, 2011


For reasons I still can't explain, I was cranky and angsty yesterday.

I've been trying to figure out the cause of my crankiness. I failed miserably. Was it the moment when I pulled the receipt from the atm and saw the amount? Was it the trance-like rhythm of the gamelan? The hitting high and low notes on the metallic keys in repeated cycles might have evoked some angst.

Or was it my thoughts? As the day went on, I found myself waist deep in my thoughts as I pondered on my essays, reading and writing down ideas. Perhaps I was so absorbed thinking about verses and hadiths and the legality of Music in Islam that little things began to annoy me. Maybe that's it.

Behind every blush lies crangst.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

On Destiny

No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.
Umar Ibn al-Khattab R.A

People can say as they please for I have found my answer.

Note: ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (583 - 643 CE), was the second of the Rightly Guided Khalifas in Islamic history. He was a Companion of the Holy Prophet Muhammad and was one of the ‘Ashratun-Mubashshirah, i.e. those ten Companions who had been given the glad tidings of belonging to Paradise. (source)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Give up?

Yes, I give up - trying to be like the people around me to fit in.

And it's all thanks to one who really listens and understands. It feels so nice to be heard and understood for a change. She even remembers the SMS I sent her more than a year ago and how it made her laughed. Despite zero communication since then, I had the best conversation for the longest of time. I do not need to ask her out for movies or send her home. We just clicked.

She has her flaws but I find myself only seeing everything else that makes her sowonderful. She said some nice words that lifted me somewhat. She told me not to be influenced by my friends but rather, be the one who influences. Why care about what others think when they aren't the least bit interested to understand you? There's bound to be one that does, eventually. There's no hurry. Meanwhile, make your family happy.

So I told her I wish I could meet someone like her. Younger. A lot younger.

I thanked the nice old lady and said my goodbyes. I told her I do not know when I'll drop her a visit, a call, or an sms. But said that while she may be of sight, she'll never be out of mind.

Today, I took one step out of my comfort zone. The feeling's nice.

Sometimes, I wish someone would ...

...just kill me already. I give up.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Step outside...

My writes come in an assortment of flavours. Some make me pleased with myself. Some make me wanna wear a paperbag over my head. But they are my writings nonetheless and they tell me the kind of mood I was in at the point of writing.

Writing thoughts out allows me to step outside my physical body and understand the different sides of me.

I was on the train to school this morning. As I played a staring game with the sun, I told myself that maybe, just maybe, the reason why I write so much is because it gives me the feeling that someone is looking out for me, understands me, cares for me, loves me. And that someone is me. Hence why I mentioned sthg about a paperbag. I know how self-love can be irritating for some. haha! Anws, do keep in mind that this is just a random thought as I was playing a staring game with the sun on the train on my way to school this morning, yeah?


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Oh Mother... Part 2

Oh Mother,

We woke up as though yesterday never happened. Over breakfast, you told me stories about your day. I analysed and gave my thoughts away. You even made reference to what I said the other day - regarding personalities and how we're all different, but it's all okay.

My brothers woke up. They had their breakfast as you talked about love - all the good, the bad and ugly that come with tt little thing called love. I listened attentively from the comforts of my room. It seems that you too were close with someone but your mother said no. You listened and let him go. You said you were sad but knew things will get better. It always does. That's life through your eyes. He got married soon after. You then met our father. Here we all are, many years later.

Oh Mother,

You then asked the brothers a rhetorical question, "What is cinta?"

From the corner of my room, as I type, I realize that's the question I should be asking myself: "What is cinta?" Then comes the dilemma - does one marry someone he loves or loves someone he marries. Guess I'll love whoever I marry, if I eventually do, insyallah.

Oh Mother,

You too said that before one thinks of marriage, one should have a couple of tens of thousands as spare change - at least! You scare us about the money involved when it comes to buying a house, having a child and the in betweens. For that, we're thankful. We'll be no fools and we'll try not to make anyone feel like one. We're definitely thinking (twice, even thrice), before we entertain the thought of falling.

Oh Mother,

Behind your endless nags lie endless priceless advice for us all. Time and time again, we fail to see this. Time and time again, we fall. We fail to see that you're not giving up on us no matter what we say or do. And I pray that we'll never give you a chance to.

Ya Allah,
Rendahkanlah suara kami bagi ibu kami
Perindahlah ucapan kami di depannya
Lunakkanlah watak-watak kami terhadapnya
Lembutkan hati kami untuknya.

Ya Allah,
Berilah ibu dan arwah ayah kami balasan yang sebaik-baiknya,
atas didikan mereka pada kami,
dan Pahala yang besar bagi mereka,
atas kesayangan yang mereka limpahkan padaku,
peliharalah mereka sebagaimana mereka telah memeliharaku.

Ya Allah,
Apa saja gangguan yang telah mereka rasakan
kesusahan yang mereka deritakan kerana kami,
hilangnya sesuatu hak mereka kerana perbuatan kami,
jadikanlah itu semua penyebab susutnya dosa-dosa mereka
bertambahnya pahala kebaikan mereka,
dengan perkenan-Mu ya Allah,
Engkaulah yang berhak membalas kejahatan
dengan kebaikan berlipat ganda.

Engkaulah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Oh Mother...

"We have enjoined on man and woman (to be good) to his/her parents; show gratitude to Me and to thy parents; to Me is (thy final) Goal. If they (parents) strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love)" (31:14-15)

A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim)

"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood' "(17:23-24)

As the clock struck 11pm, the four of us wondered where our mother was. She went out earlier in the afternoon with some of the aunts and we kinda expected her to be back by 11pm latest. We got kinda worried. What if she fainted along the way back? Robbed or stabbed? And then we heard her salam.

She entered the house. Some small talks. Followed by endless naggings (the house wasnt exactly neat and tidy) and naturally, unnecessary rude reactions from all four of us. I'd like to think that such reactions make me human but ... sigh.

Some mornings, during breakfast, I'd deconstruct my sister for my mum. As I seek to understand her, I hope my mum do too. I find that one tries hard to be nice while the other just don't seem to be bothered. Sometimes, I too analyze my mum somewhat. I told her that she ought to choose her words carefully coz sometimes, her words only evokes rage in the people around her ie. us. And if I were to analyze my brothers, I'd say that they ought to understand and conform to our mother's style and not the other way round. Or should it be the other way round? I don't know. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up coz it's just so hard.

I don't think Im doing my job right as the eldest. And if i can't do this right, how can I do any other thing right? This feeling sucks - especially when I know mothers should be treated alot better.


Brownian Motion

When many random thoughts collide, they get all messed up. Nothing gets written.