Sunday, January 28, 2007


i got 3 days off. spent all 3 days either at home or at my grandma's. Mostly at home.

Mama just got back on monday. So things been back to normal. Well all except ytd's experience which was paranormal. haha.... imagine receiving a card which has the word sixth sense written on it. and the things he do includes removing evil spirits from your body, from your house, and... i forgot the last one.

well in this day and age, who really does believe in such things...

Human relation skills being perfected back in camp. How different ways of talking leads to different results. Like how i can push someone to his limits without him losing his cool.... and also how others may not be suitable to this sort of treatment. I could also treat someone nice and get results but i could treat someone nice and they would end up stepping on my head. Right now im still the sergeant who talks too much...... haha...

yet to sit down and plan my map yet. maybe now that i've mentioned it, i'll go and get it done right away.

Terrence steadman is dead. I wonder how scofield and burrows can prove their innocence.... Cant wait for episode 15.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Double doze...

i noe i noe the answer but sometimes i just cant help but wonder why i am the way i am?

i noe i can be the best of friends and the best of brothers and the best of sergeants and the best of boyfriends and the best of husbands and the best of fathers and the best of anything but im just not being any of these.

why i dun like to go out. why i dun like to hang out with people who arent my younger brothers or why dun i like to spend or why u dun like to do this and that. i noe i can do all this but why dun i want to?

why dont i want to take the first step. why dun i want to take the next step. why do i take two steps backwards after taking one step forward.

why cant i be normal. why cant i be like other people. why cant i not be i?

why am i not afraid that i may lose my friends if i keep staying in my own shell? ahkim's words never fail to play in my head but i simply do not worry.

is it because im never around friends to be afraid of losing them? i sound like im a selfcentered individualistic guy. but i noe im not.

questions questions questions.....

im in the process of making myself a map. a path for me to take from now till the day i could live without a plan.


Life without...

No more strong income coming in. Which means very few eating outside sessions. Very few shopping trips. Very few new clothes, new shoes, new bags. No more transport to bring us around. Which means taking public transport. Watching money goes by tap after tap. Taking way too long a time than we used to. Discipline. No one that can actually maintain our household discipline. No dad means no limitations. My sister's having the time of her life.


No more no one to look after me when i fall ill. The someone who has the answers to everything. The chef. So no her means no food. Or food must be bought. No one to tell stories to. No one to tell us what to do... like wake up early... dun come back home late.... pray. No one to remind us that there's at least one person in the world who loves us.

Mama's coming back in 2 days. But id only see her days after that when i book out. I have had dreams i wished would not happen. Dreams that only make me start to love her more. I want her to come back so that i have less to worry about.

Right now, I have a goal.... a goal that id want to start working towards from now on.... i wanna be able to own a ferrari by age 25.

As for a more reasonable goal, id like to have the computer in my own room repaired. So that i can blog more often. And thoughts can flow at a much faster rate. That way my english improves and my brain gets the exercise it needs.

Monday, January 1, 2007

A post for the new year

one month without writing... a surprise even for me...

the writer me used to write stuffs... tell stories... wonders alot...and dream a lot...

not now. Or should i say not at the time being.

Ive become a bit more pragmatic. Daydream less, more action.

My perspective of life, my life, has changed. An extra value meal hurts. 4 extra value meals is a no no. It's cheaper to get 4 packets of chicken rice. I never understood why parents had that way of thinking.... till recently.

How much am i spending? How much my family is spending? How much am i earning? Are we spending more than what i earn? How can we cut our expenditure? Should i work on weekends? Should i plan for the future? How far ahead ? 5 years? 10 years?

Questions that i never thought id think about had been thought thru. Well the answers to those questions would be splashed all over here if i was still the old me. But the new me says that some things are just meant to be confidential. But i have thought things thru, as far as the next 10 years. And rest assured that on paper, things shouldnt be too bad. So im worrying lesser now.

Living without a dad is bad enough, but without both ur mum and dad... its really bad. My mama's off for a month for the pilgrimage leaving us 4 at home alone. Me being in camp for 5 out of 7 days leaves them 3 at home alone. No one cooks... Besides eggs and maggie... So its just what u see is what u get. Wonder how long they can survive on bread and kaya. We could always go to our aunt's place to eat but nothing beats my mama's cooking. Wells looking at them i wonder how they'll live thru this few weeks. Can they manage their money well? What will they be spending their money on? What time would they sleep? Would my sis be using the com all night long since theres no one to restrict her? Who will sweep the floor and clean the toilet and water the plants now that there's no one to either do or reminds us to do? Have we really learnt so much from our mama that we'll take more initiatives on our own?

If only i get a penny for every thought that i think about...

Dun wanna talk too much. So ill try to end.

A new year means new resolutions.

I want to be a good dad. And i want my mama to be happy. And i want to start being happy with what i am and what i have.

Also gotta apologise if im starting to drift apart from u guys... I can only hope that time can make things back to how it was before.....

Take care. Have a good year ahead.