Monday, June 26, 2006

Regular weekly update

wells, im truly appreciative of all e support me and my family received from friends and family. Indeed, help comes from unexpected sources. Like suddenly all my neighbours have approached my mama to offer wateva help they can provide or wateva ideas they may have to help us and im indeed very touched by their gestures.

frens of mine dropped by tis afternoon. was glad they came. however, i tink i was a bad host just now. dun really noe the way to entertain guests coz im not those kind who are naturals when it comes to interactin with ppl. well i guess tis sorta things takes time and practice.

Leavin for camp tonite. Will be back on the 8th of july. Bookin in on the 9th. A long book out from the 15th till the 18th. And off to Taiwan on the 22nd. Someone's leavin on the 22nd too. Returnin back to homeland on the 12th of August followed by a day off. Then it'll be a week of parade rehearsals and course debrief and ill be expectin the 3 stripes on the 19th.

How 2 months can fly on just a short paragraph.

Thanks once again and till next time.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Hard week

Some times it seem as if it's been months even though it has only been barely a week since he left us. And at times, it felt like a bad dream that I've yet to wake up from.

No matter how much I try to stay strong, Id crumble. No matter how much I try to not think about it, I'd think about it more. And no matter how much I try to forget about it, I fail.

This week has been a test of my mental strength -- my ability to perform my duties in camp amidst the happenings at home. At one point in my life, army seems like one of the best things that had ever happened to me. But lately, I'm beginning to not like army. I find that army takes too much of my time in a sense tt im better off out there trying to earn more than a mere 450 a month. I m beginning to feel the need to be home more often. There were times I didnt want to give my best during trainings but lucky for me, I have great section mates to count on. Knowing that I have another family in camp made me feel much better. So now, I'm still uncertain as to whether or not I still hate Army.

The most important thing I learnt this week is to not give in to ur emotions too easily. Coz if not, life can be truly miserable. Simply let the excess water in ur eyes flow, take deep breaths, look at the stars... and relax. Only then can u start to think straight.

Been adapting to the sudden change in momentum rather well though initially, it was tough coz a whole mountain of responsibilities was suddenly being heaped on me. But of course, now I have no choice but to cut my hair in camp coz its cheaper (the downside of it is the style). Now, I have to think twice before taking a cab or before I enter a McD. Now I wash all my dirty laundry in camp. Theres just some things that I can no longer afford to spend on unlike previously. My plan to get a new pair of shoes shall be put on hold once again.

We were told from young to save for a rainy day. Since it rains almost every other day in Singapore, savings tend to get spent very often. My rainy day has arrived and I wonder if I had saved enough...

Well I guess this entry marks the end of me being in a self-pity mode. Time to get a grip of things. Time to step up the engine. =)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sunday morning tears are falling Part 2

Its been 2 weeks and am i glad to have been with him on all 3 weekends. I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. He put up a tough fight but when its time for him to leave, he'll havta leave.

Its quite hard to hold back the tears. But i realise i have to coz now im the man of the family. Ive gotta be strong and stable so tt my family noes there's someone like dad still around in the family. I worry for mama. Remember how she had stomach pains just days b4 dad got admitted to the hospital. Well now tt dad's no longer wif us, who would wake me up to tell me tt mama's in pain? Who would bring her to the 24hrs clinic if anything were to happen in the early hours of the morning? But since im in camp 6 days a week, i wonder how things will run at home...

I wonder abt things i think i should wonder abt. Our mthly income. My siblings education. My education. Mama. Though ppl tell me not to worry abt tis sort of things, i wonder.... if its ever possible.

But nevertheless, dad left us a roof to live under. All paid for. I ll see wat i can do to get things back to normal, even though i noe it can never be the same again.

The sole breadwinner. Never tot it would be so soon. im only 18. But God willing, we'll sail out of this darkness together as a family.

Fathers' Day never meant anything to me..... So now i noe. Appreciate ur dad's sacrifices and hard work. Never take him for granted. Never assume that he owes u a living. Give him the respect he deserves. Even if he's unreasonable or overly protective or too conservative or what not. Its never too early to tell ur dad u love him. Do not wait till the very end. Trust me. And yea, hug ur dads dearly while u still can.

Wells, till next time. Happy Father's Day.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

An unusual post

hmm... where should i start.

spent last nite in e hosp. received a call from mama during trng. got the chance to book out ytd. dad went for op. now in icu. how things happened so fast. its gonna get faster.

of coz i am not trying to think abt it too much in camp. thinkin abt home. how my siblings are doing. how my mama is doing. Hope we'll be strong and get thru tis together.

Army's been great. Got gold for ippt. Timing worsened by a second. Passed my soc. So the physical aspect of the course is over for me.

well... writing a post in mcd over breakfast. Unusual. BUt hu carees. Haha... its quite weird lah the feeling. Anws, tc. Officially bookin out nxt weekend. Till then.

Monday, June 5, 2006

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Sunday morning tears are falling

Wells, the run didnt materialise. Alarm clock was set at 0630. Woken up by an sms at 0603. Slept again. Woke up at 0630. Gave myself 5 more minutes of extra rest... and..

It wasnt one of those 5-minutes-that-turned-out-to-be-more-hours-of-sleep. Mama woke me up told me that dad needs help going to the toilet. I was like huh??!!

So i went to the master bedroom and saw dad lying very weak on the bed. Cant stand on his own 2 feet. My heart sank. I mean, it happened before a couple of years back and i tot it'll be a one off incident. I guess theres a reason for things to turn out this way. Thank god mama's gastric pain had gone lah. And that im out of camp. Dunnoe wat would happen if i was i camp. How my brothers or my sister would be of help. But im sure they'll find a way.

I did say in the previous posts about some cycle that's reversing and how i hope it'll not happen in the near future. The future i had was 30 years or so... when im older... But i fail to realise that if so, they'll already be 80+.

The future begins now.

Satuday night

Got home today. Slept.

Had 4k run tis morning. its been like ages ago since we at sispec ran lah. So yea, we ran at a decent pace. Chest pain leg pain. Gotta get the engine running once again. Had streghth training. Again, arm pain, abs pain, neck pain...

Dunnoe why tonite, i feel like i want to buy a digicam. Taking pictures for memories... After i get $200 for getting gold for ippt next, i'll get a cam. Haa... the confidence i exude..

Gonna warm up for ippt tmr. Wenta google earth to look for a suitable route with suitable distance. Gonna execute my plan tmr. Based on experience, morning runs never seem to materialise but for $200 and no more IPPTs for the entire course, i think things may change.

Watched Hamburger Hill... some vietnam war story. Scary how the war is being faught. How ur section mates die. How long it takes to seize control of a hill. How many men are needed to die trying to conquer the hill. How men struggle to charge up hill when its raining.

I tend to forget that when we attack enemies with our M203s or SAWs or grenades or M16s, they too attack us with weapons that can kill. We learn how to dig trenches. They too know how to dig trenches. Its totally scary if a war is to happen...

But so long as there're soldiers like me around, there's nthg to worry abt.


Gonna go taiwan on july 21 to Aug 12. Soo lookin forward to it. Abit strange how we'll be spending our national day over there. But a week after our ROC trip will be our POP!! 19 aug.

Not many bookouts in store for us. Next one being on the 17of June. However, we'll be compensated our offs from 15-18 July... the weekend b4 our ROC trip.

Well it was the second day me and me section have been together and i must say that everyone seem to be getting along with each other just well. Too early to say but it just seems like it.

wells, till next time.

Friday, June 2, 2006

Final rest day

5 days of inactivity and i put on 3kg. Am weighing 72.3kg. Wells with respect to my height, my weight is still acceptable but yea, gotta get rid of more fats. Haha... dun ask me why im suddenly tokin abt height and weight.

Woken up tis morning by mama. She wanted to go to the poly. Of course the initial frustration... but after 5 mins of thinkin in "anger"... i chilled and yea, wenta the doc. Her cond today was a bit worse than ytd. Ended up in bed like the entire day. Ate nthg but bread. Oh man.... the cycle is reversing. U noe how mama was the one who look after us when we're ill, cookin porridge, buying fruits and stuffs... now its us kids turn lah. Of course, the unfair thing was that we didnt really noe what to do. SHe knew she could take care of herself but she was thinkin about wat we'll eat for dinner. Haha... so we ate bread and maggie. It aint fun when mama's sick. (Lucky im goin back to camp tmr morning! Proper meals. Whahaa... kd..)

Wells Dad's coming back home looking more and more tired every night. Rather worrying. Coz we wun noe what we'll do if both mama and dad fall ill at the same time. Pray hard tt wun come in the near future.

Well, hope everything would turn out fine. Off to camp tmr. Back on Saturday. The begining of a new journey.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

Had my mind off army this coup of days

A lil outdated but that's how it's always been.

Still thinking abt the past -- How i used to relate what's happening in real life to whats happening on film. Haha... the symbolism and such.

Suddenly felt like dancin... u can see why... Care for a dance?

The later part of wed...

Have u ever felt as though ure helpless?

Sitting there looking at someone not knowing what to do?

Not knowing what to do except looking at that someone?

The feeling sucked.

Wenta the doctor. Got an injection. Waited for her medicine. Her name was called. I wenta collect her medicine. Was abt to go home but we cant. Her pain was unbearable. So we sat there. And i waited. She sat there in pain. I gave her a shoulder to cry on -- literally. She asked me to rub her back. So i rubbed. Waited again for a bit and finally, she could find her strength to walk and we went home.

Reminded me of one rainy Thursday night in school.

I guess when someone's feelin sad, hurt, depressed, pain... all she needs is a shoulder to cry and lean on. Someone to share her feelings with. And maybe someone to rub her back.

Haha... Being surrounded by four blue walls, the com in front of me, oh i so miss my past.