Sunday, December 30, 2007

My trustworthy phone has been letting me down as of late. No reception. Cant call at times when i needed it the most. Cant sms when i needed to sms the most. I liked my old phone coz it can drop all it want yet it can still work.... Perhaps that's why it's giving me problems now. Guess all that outfield and numerous drops has taken it's toll on the phone.

On a lighter note, Love is Cinta is a good movie.

It doesnt hurt to dream, does it?

Starting to just sit in front of the tv for hours just watching tv....

Friday, December 28, 2007

From the day the child is born till the day he or she can think and make decisions on her own, the mother should be the one to raise the child. Not the father. The duty of a father is to provide maintanance for both the child and the wife.

There are those among us who act before they think, and end up having to face problems bigger than they can ever imagine. Who will look after our baby? I have to go to work. You have to go to work. Where can i possibly find enough money to feed the family? I dont even have enough to feed the child! Diapers, milk, baby food, clothes. What about friends? Clubbing? Late nights? Shopping? Im only 20. It would be a hassle for me to bring the baby around everywhere i go! If only i hadnt done this! If only i hadnt done that!

Regret sinks in. Conflicts. Arguments. You and i cant get along. No more chemistry. We were never made for each other. Let's go our own way.

And they forget the cute baby sleeping soundly in the bedroom, oblivious to what's going on around her.

They were blinded by love. He was handsome. She was preety. Thought they were matchmade in heaven only to realise it wasnt suppose to be made so soon. They thought taking the next step would seal the love they have for each other -- only to realise that it would be better if they had waited a few years more. Their parents had told them to focus on their studies first before thinking about having a relationship yet they choose not to listen, thinking that their parents' way of thinking is only relevant in the stone age. But when all else fail, the first person that comes to mind to help them look after the child is none other than their own mothers.

Trying to find the root of the problem. Whose fault is it? The parents for not raising their child well? The friends their child hangs out with? The media for potraying only the beautiful side of love? If not, what else?

If only social workers are paid well. I would love to pursue a degree in social work. If it doesnt happen in a month's time, an engineer i would be in the hopes of earning more so that i could then save enough to start thinking of starting a family.

I always tell mama that by then, it'll be too late to even start. But i guess better late than start early.... and having have to end it early too. I wonder what lies ahead for me...

PS: Wish i could go on a holiday and sit by the beach and just take my mind of work.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Saw my p sch malay teacher a while back and it took me quite a while to believe it was him. It's been only like 10 years plus and he looks so....

.... old.

Ok i know we dont get younger as days go by but recently, i was looking at my niece's p school magazine, which happens to be my p school too, and my malay teacher looks the same like she was the day i last saw her!

It's either guys look older as they grow older or it's the girls with their anti-ageing cream and all the other stuffs that come along with it.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

First movie i watched that i wish wouldnt end. And i just feel as if i dun wanna watch any other movies anymore cause i want this sweet impression to last.

August Rush.

You guys should watch it!! The kind of movies that touches hearts. It certainly touched mine.

It's at

Friday, December 21, 2007

When ive got all the time in the world to myself, i wished it wouldve been put to greater use. And now that i think it's being put to good use, i wish that i could have all, if not half of the time that i used to have to myself.

Trying to strike that balance.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Finally im able to add a tagboard in. Been getting error messages whenever i tried to access cbox previously.

Pronouns, nouns, verbs, adjective and what have you. Didnt even bother matching the terms to the words when i was in school all the way till now. And now im having a hard time explaining it to a kid.

I was having a conversation about 'an' and 'a' with my camp mate while in NS. Is 'an' always followed by a word which starts with a vowel? He said yes. I said no.

And today i had to explain to a kid why it's 'AN honest boy' and not 'A honest boy'. Why it's 'A unicorn' and not 'An unicorn'. Told her its also got to do with the pronounciation, not just the first letter of the word.

3 pieces of luggage VS 3 pieces of luggages

There are many (sheep/sheeps) on the meadows.

I still dun understand why the answer is sheep and not sheeps. Is it coz the word "sheeps" does not exist? How about chickens and cows? Man, how do you master the English Language?

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Someone asked me if i played for club. And if i'm a rugby player. Would have forgiven him if he's visually handicapped but the thing is he's not.

But ive got a philosphy about playing which goes like this: If u cant play, u must look as if u can play. Of course, at the same time, train ....

Trying to take my mind of work and stuffs and weekends are just about the right time to do so. And seems like ive got to find enough time to squeeze for myself, my grandma and home. Weekends used to past by very slowly in the past but as of late, Mondays kept arriving without me realising.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Teaching her, i tried to remember what it was like when i was i primary 2.

I was quiet and shy and kept to myself alot. When it's time for me to go home, i go home. Mama said that once i reach home, i'll immediately put down my bag and start to do my homework. And when she or grandma asks me to have lunch first, i would tell her i'll eat later cause i was afraid that i might forget what was taught.

Can imagine what it's like..... cant really remember me actually doing it.

Lucky for me, my tutee's a bright kid. And im trying to make her brighter.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Its sad to look at a 7 year old being asked which one of his parents would he want to follow. A 7 year old so innocent he doesnt even noe his parents will seperate.

Day in day out i ask myself this question.... Can love really make two lovers blind?

So so blind they confuse the child for a toy that could be chucked away anytime .

Friday, November 30, 2007

Feel sad when people lose the ones they love. Reminds me of all the things that i ought to do with the ones i love while they are still around, while I am still around.

What we could do now is to always remind the poeple around you that u love them, by not hurting their feelings and stuffs like that. And once they're gone, what we can do is pray. And once we're gone we can only wish for our loved one's prayers.

Ive lost a father. Never noe how it would feel to lose a mother. But i know for sure it'll hurt a lot lot more...

Sunday, November 25, 2007

In pursuit of happiness.

What then, will make me truly happY?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Most of us dream of getting married someday. If not most then some of us, me included. There are good things associated with marriage. Like living with some u love. Having someone u love whom u can talk to and share ur problems with. And stuffs like that.

But think before committing to marriage.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

People would say that before a person pass away, the person would hint to the people around indicating that he or she would be leaving them. And those surrounding this person would most often not pick up the hints till its too late.

Today i just happen to be wondering if the person that's going to pass away knows that he is going to pass away....and whether or not he realises that he's leaving those hints behind. I have this feeling that he can feel it coming but he doesnt know when it's coming and since it would be weird to tell anyone he feels he's going to leave, he keeps it to himself. Stick close to his loved ones and if he leaves, he leaves. If he doesnt, perhaps there's another reason why he feels the way he feels.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Everytime i wanna write something, it just doesnt feel right. Telling people what happened or what ure thinking on a blog just doesnt seem and sound right....


Friday, November 2, 2007

Next tuesday... finally

Ending soon. Start work next friday. Not much but sthg is better than nothing, for now=) Having to shoulder responsibilities means sacrificing certain things like time and fun. And i must wear shirt and smart pants. And i dun own any.... which means ive to go shop for a few pairs.

Thinking hostel, bike, textbooks, lecture notes, breakfast, lunch, dinner, family. There are lots of *delete where applicable. Should i delete this or that. Money really makes the world go round. It used to be music,not money, when i was in primary school. High cost of living. High standard of living. Finally know these terms means more than just mere human geog terms.

All the more reason why i should work harder and make things work.

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Yup.... a new name.... slightly different feel. Out with the old, in with the new. Re-branding. Re-packaging. Dun think im as alone as i used to be. Felt bored living alone on my own island, thus the urge to move and discover new territories. Hence, the new name.

Raya raya raya..... Just not the same anymore. Just different. Baju raya pon kena recycle balik dari 2 tahun lalu...... duit keluar dari pocket sendiri and duit keluar dari pocket bapak laen feeling. Adek belikan baju utk mama abeh lupa abg nye.... takpe next year maseh bleh. Sbb next year abg dah start skola so abg nye turn mintak adek duit tau....

Sebulan puasa mama sering mengingati saat-saat ketika ayahku masih ada. Jalan jalan kat geylang minum chendol. Balik kerja bawa balik bubur masjid dan air katirah. Menunjukkan yang mama akan sentiasa mengingati arwah ayahku itu. Feeling a lil guilty that i dun miss him as much as my mama does. And bila tiba bulan syawal je baru start rasa rindu kat bapaku. Tadi makcik atas ada bilang mama yang petang tadi dia ada nampak ayahku duduk di kerusi di luar rumahku. Entah betol betol dia nampak ke tak ku tak tahu. Cuma bilaku cuba membayangkan ketibaan ayahku kembali ke rumahnya ini, aku mula rasa sedih. Mengapakah dia tidak boleh menunjukkan dirinya kepada kami? Macam kat cerita ghost whisperer.... Alangkah indahnya jika beliau boleh berbuat sedemikian.... Boleh lah ubat rindu sikit sikit.

Off satu minggu kat rumah, English hancur. Melayu pon hancur. Melayu dah jadi Melayu MSN. Blog pon dah tak sempurna lagi. Sejak bila saya ada blog dalam bahasa melayu. Tiba tiba nak type english dalam otak tengah fikir asal nak step berbual english. Next week off lagi satu minggu entah apa yang akan jadi...

Agaknya sekarang sudah tibanya the transition phase. Army terms panggil Civilian conversion course. Nak convert balik jadi civilian. Otak kena fine tune balik to pre-NS days. Time boleh duduk baca buku buat practice satu hari suntuk. Kalau tak masuk u nanti susah jugak.
Ni lepas ord ada angan angan nak jadi teacher. Sounds macam gerek tapi sebelum jadi teacher kena correctkan bahasa dulu.

Saya ingin mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin. Walaupun tak banyak berbual dengan awak awak semua, actions pon boleh hurt jugak eh...

It doesnt end here...

My new place..........

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

My own...

Ive finally decided to end it.

I'll be making myself disappear once more.

Years have passed. So many memories. Many more to come.

I turn twenty and i wish that i can find someone i can share my stories with.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Big bikes

Have always said im only interested in bikes as a form of transport but i just dont know why im slowly lookin at Valentino Rossi's videos and big bikes. My men forsaw this. I insisted it will never happen. But i have a slight feeling it might.

October will be a month of leaves and offs. And parade. And November will be the end. And the start of a new beginning.

Gotta start setting goals. Must admit it's hard juggling family, work, friends and interest at the same time. And next year there's school. Hopefully i can think of something.

Looking forward to it!

Sunday, September 9, 2007

i was on the train heading towards city hall. Entered a man with a back pack and a luggage. He was alone. He looked foreign. Somehow till the moment he alighted the train, i felt very very afraid.

Perhaps it's because i hardly take the train these days. But then again, are the security checks at our stations really that effective?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Long silence...

Here's an update.....

Im well and alive. Waiting for 77 days to pass by. The day i'll be free from the routine of army. Waiting for the short break i really need and then start working in what they call the real world.

Currently just killing time looking for possible jobs after i ord. Reading books. TRYING to understand how the market works, but it just seems so so complex.

And i enrolled for class 2b a month back. Took my first prac on the 23rd of july.... and right now, am waiting for my 2nd part of lesson 6 on the 2nd of sept. Hope i could get an earlier date through last minute cancellations. Initially i thought of getting my licence in time for my 20th birthday but seems like im gonna miss that target.

Haha.... i noe ive never shown any interest in bikes in any of my entries. Its a new found liking.
Was thinking more along the line of long term transport mode when i start to work after ORD. And after which i would most probably be going to school.

Hope u guys are doing well in whatever ure doing. Catch up with ya some time soon. Till next time.

Saturday, August 4, 2007


was talking to my mum. heard her talk.

and i know why my dad got very very angry whenever my mama complains to him about our conduct. Initially i thought he was just over reacting. Something that's just uncalled for.

But today, i realise it's not. Now in his shoes, i too feel angry and disappointed when she tells me what ive been missin the past five days...

Well, sometimes no matter how hard you try to bring up your kids properly, they still turn out to be as though their parents didnt raise them well. Is it fair to let parents take the blame?

You can't control who they hang out with. Their friends. Bad influence.

No wonder my dad did when he was around. I finally understood why.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Just thinking......

It's just nice to just write what i feel like writing.

It's even nicer looking back and reading what i had written.

Makes me smile when i simply cannot believe that it was actually me who wrote it.
Makes me wonder why i even bothered writing about it.

I may read what i wrote yesterday today and find that it's really stupid of me to write what i wrote.

But i know im not writing for today, or tomorrow. Im not writing for you. Im just writing for myself. The me of the future. Yes i know you're reading this. Hope you turn out to be a somebody..... ali........marzuki.....

And i was just thinking.... Did you eventually get a Phantom or a sports bike?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


yes seems like everyone's got a nano. A couple of guys in camp have the 30G one that can store movies in it. Of course it would be lovely to have one. But never in a million years would i get one. Coz we cant afford to. How much does it cost? Google says $350 for a 4g one.

$350can get u alot. Small things like bowling once a month with nizar for the next 4 years instead of the once in a blue moon act ive been doing all this while. Can subsidize my class 2b pracs should i consider to enrol. And i can go on and on and on.

I look at macs and i say to myself that those days are over. I accept that fact.

I look at going out with my friends and i say just as things are starting to change for the better, i just cannot afford to. Once a month still can. Must close one eye. But once a week, i know for sure i cannot ok nizar?

Well i just have this believe that what is just 70 cents, or $5 or $350 today could be worth a "fortune" once i ord. Not spending 70cents on a can drink today would mean i can afford to do so when im studying in the uni. Some may say im being over paranoid but in my shoes, im preparing for the worse.

Given the rough idea of my situation based on entries ever since the day my dad passed away, i just cannot accept the fact that there is an ipod something somewhere in my house. And i think you would feel the same way too.

And it just feels sucky when u go to extremes to save a mere couple of dollars a month and seeing others in your family waste money just like that. To my sister, should i be supportive of you and ur nano? Sorry i cant coz money is a very touchy issue. Angry i wont be. Disappointed, yes.

hmmmmm....... cant talk much... must report back by noon. Be back later tonight. Ive got more to say.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Rama rama....

Seumpama rama rama
Terbang bebas di udara tanpa ada halangan
Aman damai suka-suka
Riang ria tanpa ada rasa duka sengketa
Rama rama


Saturday, July 7, 2007

home home sweet home

when i couldnt sleep last night, i did something i know i shouldnt have stopped doing. i ve not been doing my job for quite a while now. And looking at the things that have been happening to me lately, i realised i needed help. And who else better than him. And i fell asleep soon after.

And i realised my mistakes. And understood why things happened. Somehow i think that all this is my own doing.

Was watching My time with Ah Gong from the Stories of love Anthology series. Nice show. Touching. It was good. Made me think of trying to write a story that might move hearts and probably make readers shed a tear or two. First and only time i wrote with feelings was in one of the paragraphs in my malay compo exam. Teacher said it was good. But it was just that paragraph coz the rest of it went a little out of point. Writing that paragraph made me shed at least a tear but when the invigilator announced that there we had x minutes left( i think it was 15), i scrambled to end my compo. Maybe under normal conditions, i could try it once more. Either in malay or english. Hmmm.... when was the last time i wrote something in malay?

And if ure wondering why i still confine myself to the four walls of my home when others would be going out, id say i just dun know why. Yeah i still dont know why.


Think i should start a story about me.

Friday, July 6, 2007


is really really tough.

Never have i been so caught up with something that has made me awake almost the whole night. Some issues i wish i could solve in a peaceful manner.

Sometimes i just dont understand myself. And others.

And when i think i do, i dont.

I hope the remaining months in the army will be a smooth one.

And sorry really seems to be the hardest word.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


Given the chance id like to go to a Muse concert.

Never have i listened and liked songs with drums and electric guitars blasting in the background.

Feel like jumping up and down right now.

Our time is running out

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


am not gay. thats for sure. though i really like purple.

just that i really dun see myself going out with girls. im quiet when i go out with guys. imagine adding girls to the equation.

well this is what im thinkin for now.

looking back i think ive changed quite a bit.

and theres this outside chance that i still might.

and it also depends on ur luck too.

Monday, June 18, 2007

happy fathers day

Been a year on.

But still, whenever i'm home, i look out my window. And I just cant help but imagine seeing his yellow van drive out the parking lot. And to find out that the past one year was just a dream. And i still wonder what it'll be like if he was still around.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Dinner at newton

Kind of a farewell dinner for one of my man. He decided to sign on and will be posting out on monday. So this makes it two friday in a row in which i went out at night. Which my brothers say is starting to become a habit of mine. To which i have to disagree.

They headed to DoubleO after tt. I headed home. Guess there'll always be some lines that i'll choose not to cross no matter what they say. Glad some of my men understand where im coming from.

Last sat was a day out too. Had fun bowling and walking ard in bugis. Never been to that side of bugis before. Reminds me of the night market in Taipei. Price around the same too. Think i have more than enuff clothes to last me till i ord. haha.... might wanna reshuffle my wardrobe then.

I have a fellow colleague retaking his As this year. Maths among his Arts subs. So i decided to mug with him. It was back to basics for me. Formulas, steps and concepts no longer at my fingertips. And i find it very hard to sit down, a pen in hand, writing. Thinking. Memorising.

It really was hard. But it was a start. Was staring into space most of the time. And to think this was just maths.... JC maths. Wait till physics, chemistry and life sciences come into the picture when uni starts.

Guess its time i start to change for the better.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

There's a first for everything

Looked at my watch. It was half past midnight.

Took out my key quietly and unlocked the gate.... making minimal noise.

Opened the door slowly and then closed it slowly. Locked it, latched it. And i'm in.

Tip toed my way towards my room. Saw that the tv in my mama's room was still on.


......sleeping soundly. The tv was watching her. Switched the tv off, kiss her goodnight and went to my room.

Sunday, June 3, 2007


fort siloso. NE - it just never ends. hmmm..... been like lots and lots of year since i went there. Lots of changes and it's still changing. Didnt noe they had peacocks walking around. Tot only the zoo had such things. Didnt noe peacocks could fly too!

my first to vivo. Big place. Never got the chance to explore coz was rushing for time. Saw an orange lamboghini there. Got to be THE dream car of the year.

Well dont ask me why i write the way i write. Like everything's so superficial.

I wake up. Brush my teeth. Ate breakfast. Watch cartoons. Play computer game. Sleep. Shower. TV. Computer. In other words, uninteresting.

I read blogs and these kind of entries are kindof boring.

Guess there's a link between how someone feels and how someone writes. I think im bored.

Friday, June 1, 2007


wenta visit my grandma. heard a conversation about the two deaths at seletar reservoir. And an interesting story.

The story goes like this.... Whenever a previously unused water body/place is suddenly being opened up for public use like the new centre at Lower Seletar Reservoir for water sports, the spirit of the area will claim 3-7 victims as a sacrifice for using it's territory. Spooky story but coming from relatives who used to live by the sea..... makes it somewhat believable.

And my mama was saying that when we first moved in to my home in sembawang, there's a few cases of kids dislocating their arms and legs while playing at the playground. I remember those incidents but didnt really think it was something abnormal. She says that is how thing's work.

Cool huh.

And there's also this talk about the elusive white crocodile who had played it's role in finding the two bodies which were only found the next day. One of which partially submerged 50m from where the kayak capsized. Been hearing stories about this white crocodile since i was young and after so long, im still hearing stories about it. Brought it up to my grandma. My mama told me the crocodile is old. Asked my grandma if it would die. She said it will never die. And i was like..... ok.... both were talking like it really exist. I believe it exist.

But sadly nothing much surfaced when i googled about the croc.

I'll be keeping this in mind when using new facilities at new places.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Camera I

Though lots happened, there's nothing much that i can really say.

Ever since i came back, ive been busy googling about the incident and was expecting people who were there to write about it. Surprisingly there was only 2. The first was pretty harmless but the second which i found today was rather disturbing.

Been warned of guys like me doing random searches over the net. And the consequences of saying more than you should can be bad for your records. Which is why im staying low.

I brought along a digicam of mine for my r&r in taipei. First time using it. Took lots of pictures at first but sadly most arent proper. Like this one...

And this one...
And this one ......

And after 1 day of taking pictures, i was lying on my bed in the hotel room looking at my snaps and i was shocked to see the end results. Then i decided to take snapshots of my hotel room to see what could have gone wrong so that im able to capture better pics on my last day of r&r.

The sink ....
The toilet.... and bathtub..
Realised that my technique was wrong. Tried a new way.

The bed....
The windows....

And the sink...
And this marked the beginning of better pictures.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sunny Hot Singapore

Hello there. Feels good to be back home.

I remember telling my mama that i wouldnt be calling her for the next 16 days prior to my departure and that there's nothing to worry about and that nothing would happen. That i have been there and done that. But who would have expected the bird?

Ive been calling her ever since and stopped before my handphone bill burns a hole in my pocket.

Was a nice guy. Always seeing him around in camp. Happy. Hardworking. My heart and prayers to him and his family.

Saturday, May 5, 2007


Chiang Kai Shek International Airport.

Thursday, May 3, 2007


Watched spidey 3 today at suntec (the platoon were given free tickets). Great movie. First time i wenta suntec. At first i didnt had a clue where suntec was, though ive read about it in the newspaper some years back. My men was like saying i was like a frog under a coconut shell but i guess it's ok to be one coz this frog's been to suntec. It was only a matter of time before the frog gets out.

One of the rare times i go out........ and whenever i go out on outings like this, i see people and places, i see the stuffs ive been missing out on. And i feel like...... the frog. ahha...

But i know this is how i choose to live my life, till i feel that the time is right to start enjoying life. Until then, i shall enjoy life from the comforts of my home.

Monday, April 30, 2007

less of the old stuff

i think this post will be less of how i dread spending weekends or how im stuck in the same old room or how ive been at home ever since i came back from camp.... even though all this is still true.

ive been thinking about the course im taking. The more i talk to people, the more i dun feel like doing civil engineering. Realised that im not really really looking forward to doing CvE. Ive been thinking .......

......i wanna do sthg that i wanna look forward to. Sthg like how i always look forward to booking in to camp. I like doing what i do back in camp -- lets just say its a very challenging job. And i just have this feeling that i wun be THIS enthusiastic -- should i choose to do civil engineering.

Which brings me to the question of my alternative to civil engineering.

Ive been thinking about doing something related to the social world. Psychology, counselling, social work........... working with kids, troubled teens, addicts, families...... in schools, hospitals, childcare centres.......... helping people in need, help them find the light at the end of the tunnel....

This might sound weird coz i may not seem like the people kind. But im starting to feel and believe that this is something i'd like.

So been doing some reading about SimU. Looks like a school that i could be in. But the minimum age is 21. meaning that i can only enter on january 2009. Which would also mean that i can work for 1 year.... Now im just a lil unsure about the course fees. Or if i could get some financial assistance.

Hope i'll be doing what i want to do in future instead of what the uni decides for me.........

Friday, April 20, 2007

On Off...

Will start writing when i stop writing about the same old things.

Friday, April 13, 2007

the friends

i am so so bad at remembering names. Met 2 of my friends while on duty the other day. They were my course mates for 2 months exactly a year ago. And while they remembered me(coz i was quite high profile for both the right and wrong reasons) and my name, i remembered them, but not their names. So we talked for some 10 minutes or so asking which unit each other're at and what they're doin and stuff... and i still couldnt figure out their names.

anws, and update to my own self. Life's been no different. Yet one of the many book out days confined within the four blue walls of my room. My brothers' seem a lil taller. And they are no longer the brothers i used to be able to hug and kiss all the time. The only one person who still loves me is my dear mama. Helping me to wash my army clothes even though i clearly told her i would do it myself... haha... making sure there's food to eat. And sometimes i feel she is not being loved as much as she deserved by my siblings. Sad to know that sometimes kids forget the hardship parents go through to raise their children. The least one could do is show some appreciation and respect.

Wished i could spend more time at home. Wished i could do more than just bring home $702 a month. Only then would i wish for a lil bit more time to spend with my friends. that i could at least remember their names.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

the compliment

I was giving advice to this soldier of mine on the bus back from duty. This soldier is one of the men under me. A hard to handle character that i'm determined to change. He got punished for some mistakes he's made. Ive successfully manage to convince my superiors to lighten his punishment. It was hard fighting his case and am glad i was convincing.

So after advising him of what he should do, how to avoid not getting picked by people and things that he should and should not do ...... he told me sthg. He told me, "sgt, u know what my dad works as on a part time basis?" How would i know right? He told me, "A councillor." And i was like boy his dad should try council his son like asap. And then he told me that i sound exactly like his father.

I take it as a compliment. Surprised that i was able to give him sound advise. But all i did was to put myself in his shoes and tell him what i would wanna hear if i was in his place. But mostly i knew exactly how he must've felt coz ive been in the situation before. Being alone ... picked on.... made fun off... I keep my emotions to myself. He lets everything out. Which is detrimental to himself since this is the army.

well looking into doing this sort of thing in future. Helping others. Giving advice. But before i can do that, i need to start helping my own self and giving me my own advice.

well then....

Saturday, April 7, 2007


Life then and now is really more or less the same. Then i go home straight after school. Now i go home straight after work. Then i spend my weekends at home and now too. And it has been like this then and it still is now.

Of course the subtle changes.

Like how my sister and brothers have changed in terms of behaviour. According to mama my brothers and slowly behaving like my sister... which isnt good news. Not saying tt behaving like me is good either.

What im gonna do with my life. How im going to go about with my life. What my brothers' gonna do with their life. My sister's too. Should i work? Should i go uni?

Should i buy a new com? Is it worth it? Will it spike up my electricity bill? I want to learn driving but is it nescessary? $2000 off my savings is like a lot.

How am i spending my money? Are they put to good use? Am i wasting unnescessarily?

Subtly, subconciously only the stuffs i think about have changed.

Now is still too early to feel big changes. Changes will be more obvious once im out of army on my own. And if i choose to study .... that is when i think all the problems will slowly start to creep out....

Sunday, April 1, 2007


and so i bought a new cpu. couldnt take it anymore. and the fact that my brothers need to do homework sort of made me decide. Almost a month's pay gone... but i hope it'll be a good investment for the future.

i find that depriving myself of temptations like buying a com or eating a prosperity meal is subconciously driving my anxiety level up.... and i heard it kills.. So a bit of retail therapy kinda soothes me a little. Its hard to not spend even though i know that it may be hard to get if i ever need that money some day in the future ....

this week's been all about lessons in ethics. The consequences of doing the morally right thing. Had this navigation exercise and me and my men found all 5 checkpoints. One of them is Moon. So ran into 2 other details from my platoon and they happened to be having a hard time looking for Moon and decided to get the answer from me (there are numbers to note down at each checkpoint). Me having led my men for hours up and down hills and across streams and stuff decided that they should feel how we felt when we couldnt find a particular checkpoint for 2 hours.

And the consequence was for the next few days, i was boycotted by the platoon for "not wanting to help own people". So now its back to square 1: winning back their hearts.

sleep eat com tv sleep eat com tv. my weekends' killing me....

Saturday, March 17, 2007

home at last

been missing home while in camp amidst all the fun that i had. occasional running, night badminton sparring sessions, gym.. tv... fooling around...

then once home, glad to finally see my mama. And my brothers whom i immediately irritate by hugging them only to realise that the spare tyres that were once nice to hug are no longer there. Its like hugging a pillow tt has lost half its cotton. Now i understand why my mama was making such a fuss when i lost half my cotton.

of course theres the family tension between my sister and my mama. used to be both dad's and mama's enemy number one. now has become my mama's. what's the use of saying u love someone when all you do is just to hurt her feelings? Maybe she's waiting for the loss of one more before she realises her foolishness, her unnescessary display of her attitude. Sometimes i wish my dad was around to barge into her room and smash her laptop into pieces whenever she refuses to give me internet access despite my being at home for less than 48 hours....

now i understand why dad gets preety angry after a long day at work only to find kids who do not appreciate the work he's done. All he asks for is some respect.

of course it gets fairly stressful and depressing to be in this pair of shoes. All i shall do is to wait for the clock to tell me it's time to book in back to camp....

Saturday, March 10, 2007

End of 4 days off. Never really did went anywhere except for grandma's twice. Dun really recall doing much of anything. Got some feet irritation so cant really do much running or what not. ANd what a waste that i got my off this week instead of next coz i just realized tt next week's their march hols.

Thinking of applying civil engin nus. Have i said this before? Cant remember. THink i shall apply next weekend.

Mind's filled with lots of stuff rite now. Work, family, school, future. Cant stop thinking coz there' s really no answer to most of it. There's no end. No closure. Sometimes i wish my dad was still around. So that at least i wun have to shoulder everything alone. Now all i can do is talk to people and there's only that much talking can do.

that said, im still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Friday, March 9, 2007

I Am @ Youth.SG

A lil late i must say but this is for an ipod.

When I think youth in Singapore, I think happy bunch of people. And I think music.

But funny thing is music isn’t part of me. The only time I listen to the latest songs is when I take the lift to the library at Sun Plaza or when I buy bread at 7-11. Or during the time I see idols-to-be sing on Idol. Or scarily, through the earphones of the kid standing opposite me on the train on my way to camp.

I guess I was raised to be among a strange breed of youth – youth who do not download songs religiously and listen to them playing over and over again, while memorising their lyrics like they’re in some singing competition or something. Hmm.. maybe they are…

So, here I am trying to win and Ipod so that at the age of almost 20, I can learn songs and be the one guy other kids listen to when they watch Idol. You’ll never know…. And if I do get it, I sure like to see the jealous look on my siblings’ faces! But since i wear whatever they have, they can have whatever i have too... what goes around, goes around, goes around, Comes all the way back around...

Yup kind of like whatever Justin's songs ive heard so far... Keane has beautiful songs and corrinne may's songs are simply wonderful. And heard she's singaporean.. Wanted to share a video i saw. Cute little kids in a US school singing her song. Cant wait to see more of us achieving something like that. Who says Singapore artiste cant make it big? Right? Hope it inspires youths inclined towards music to work hard towards making their dreams a reality. =)

Been looking thru the blogs on the site and i must say tt some are preety good. Like there's always the few that are in a league of their own. Guess i too could reach a certain level if i tried. So here i am taking my first step. My first step out of my comfort zone.

Hmmm… that said, I enjoyed writing this piece. Win or lose I’m glad I published.

Monday, March 5, 2007

i am @

Some friend of mine sent me an email abt this competition. I checked out their site and the prizes were not bad... and they actually showed real people winning the prizes.. psp, handphone, camera... So yea, was a lil tempted to join. But then again, i am no competition kind of person. Im the kind who prefers to stay under the radar(ie. stay at home) I wouldnt want to make myself known to the public. Its just so not me.

Saw entries by people who wrote in. Read entries of past winners. And youths really do blog. The grand prize of this comp's a macbook.

Looking back at my past entries, the one abt the$1499 computer, how laaaag- ing my com has become.. it slowly sank into me that the mail from the friend was an opportunity.... a chance to get a new com without having to fork out a single cent. All i need to do is write an entry about what means to me. And if i write ok, people will vote for my entry and hopefully id be the one who brings home the macbook.

So then come the question of what are the odds of me winning? What if i lose? WOuld that make me a lousy blogger? Who would vote for me? I only have a handful of friends.

But i seem to have become a slightly different person havin been thru my fair share of hard times. Id like to think more along the line of Why not just submit an entry and get people to read it and see what they think about it? If they like it, they vote. If not, at least they know where to go to see how im doing.

I kind of like this quote by Robert J sternberg : No matter how gifted you are analytically, you will not become successful unless you publish. And to publish, you must work hard at writing about creative and innovative ideas." (Adapted from The Millionaire Mind by Thomas J Stanley)

I guess i'll never know how good or how bad i write unless i publish. So having said that, this entry might very well be an intro to how i started writing an entry with the goal of going home with a macbook at the end of the day.

And if i do write, spread the word. Vote for me. haha ... and if ive moved at least one of you bloggers to blog too, im glad to know ive made the competition a lil more competitive...

Well then, look out for updates. Gotta book in right about now.

Smille always. And always always always ..... look on the bright side of life.


my com's recovering slowly. Took me four hours to breathe life into the modem. But now the com is rather laggy. No multiple tabs for me now. More than 2 tabs and the system will go into a brief state of coma. But it still is better than nothing.

Went to play soccer this morning will the old guys of anderson sec. Poor fitness. Messy play. We're starting back from scratch. Then had lunch and talked about what else but army. Hmm... sensitive issue. I'd advise people against blogging about sensitive stuffs on your blog.

Its been a very very long while since i met up with them. WHich means that its been a lagi very very long while since i met tauhid and nizar... Soon yea?..

life's been more or less fun while in camp. Days at home simply reminds me of reality.

well then. till next time.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What goes around comes all the way back around

All the maths and science i know are now six feet under whatever brain i have left. Realised this when my cousin wanted me to teach him complex number -- which was kind of one of those topics i was skilled in. And my brain was two or three pentium slower when it comes to processing simple trigo. Like how to convert angles from degrees to radian.


And Lets not ask where's all my chemistry...

While teaching my cousin, i came to a realization that working and studying isnt applicable to me. Im the kind who give my all in only one thing. So splitting my all into two seperate jobs isnt my thing. It'll be either full-time study or full-time working. And if i do go back to school, the only tutees that i will teach are my two bros who have been preety much left to "self study" ie. Studying for exam the next day during the adverts in between The Amazing Race.

Was reading Today this morning. (Realised the news inside are of almost the same quality as ST.) Anws, came across this advert on one of the page. Some dentist advert. "You could be just 7 days away from a designer smile" was what caught my eyes. Ok... maybe it was the set of teeths that was more or less like mine. So checked out their site and everything seemed to good to be true. Of course theres the price... $800 per tooth. Which means to say that having that beautiful smile shall continue to be a dream. haahah.. Guess it is every kids dream to look beautiful no matter how old you are...

** I see ur true colors shining thru**

The dove advertisement about kids with low self esteem suddenly comes to mind.

finally discussed how much mama actually need for a month. While mama was washing the dishes, she told me what she pays for and i wrote down everything on paper (typical me). And bills and my bros and sister's allowance amount to an estimated $460. Those of you who have eyes of an eagle will see that ive not included my mama's allowance.

So i cheekily asked her is $40 enough to feed the family for a month. A rhetorical question. Soalan cepu emas.

The answer was a laughter. So I decided on a budget of $90 to feed everyone. Im also hoping no one gets sick coz what im giving her doesnt include trips to the doctor. And i really cannot up my offer. (Thinking of removing my toilet's light bulb to cut cost)

So let me do the maths with you guys(my maths is buried 6 ft under remember?)

Income - Insurance - mama's share = my final allowance
$702.50 - $50.70 - $550 = $101.80

So i'll be getting $1.80 more than my sister. Minus $40 transport. I'll be getting $10 more than what my brothers will be getting a month each. Of course my meals are free but still....

I still need to save, if not for school for my marriage... haha... and mama said i would need at least $30k b4 even thinking about marriage. And im also thinking about a laptop to replace my wounded pc, a set of nice teeth, a driving license, and the prosperity meal at McDonalds..haha.. maybe there's a reason why i was groomed to be the stay home guy with no life afterall.

Kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang.

Loved writing karangan peribahasa during my memorable secondary school days. I wonder if my malay is still as smooth flowing as it used to be.

And the 50+ mama of mine wants to find a job in the near future. Close your eyes and ask yourself where can u find 50 somethings working? I can only think of cleaners and tuckshop auntie. but upping her allowance by $250 should be enuff for her to set aside thoughts of finding a job. I wouldnt want to see her working at this age too.... Lucky us we have savings to eat into if we really really need extra...

So to the kids reading my blog, life is really full of ups and downs... and all one like me can do is to smoothly surf up and down and up and down and not fall off....

... and always remember that life is more than just laptop, fine set of teeth and chicken prosperity meal...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

THis week

well like always, nothing spectacular happened. Except for the change in blog template. Was "exploring" the "new" blogger functions and there goes my old template. It takes time to reedit templates, now tt i dun have the com all to myself, so i''ll have to make do with what i have now.

Been thinking about alot of stuff. Stuff that i want to sit and slowly write.

Came across some document i typed out quite some time ago. And i really dun remember some of the stuffs i wrote. And reading it for the second "first time", i found it rather amusing. How time really flies. The things i used to think about when i was a year or two younger... Kind of full of nonsense... hhaha...

Thinking about it, i kind of miss being in school. Being around friends. Though i preety much am the spectator in school. But still....

but thinking about the project, and homework, and books.... made me think about it again..

oh well....

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


24hrs to my next book in. why so soon?

1/2 my day gone spending time at my grandma's place. Told her to count five days before my next visit. Now that im back at home, ive really got nothing to do.

Been thinking of stuffs i could do to keep me occupied.

Swimming(trying to learn how to), squash, table tennis, badminton, computer games anything...

And the saying it takes two to tango comes to mind. (unless i get nintendo's wii)

Did think of finding out what maths(read: mess?) i might be getting myself into if i go uni so that i could learn on my own and kill time solving equations..... but this would further isolate me from the world.

NOTE to self: living without a PERSONAL computer kills.
(might get one soon.......)

Take care .... hope to see you guys soon......

Sunday, February 11, 2007

a month into the new year

Bowled for the first time in my life during company cohesion. Got my first strike. Bowling's quite fun afterall.

Thought about reapplying my uni course. Thinking of getting a course in NUS instead of NTU. NUS is much closer. Any idea how i could go about reapplying?

Happen to be at the new Harvey Norman at Novena mrt last sat and i saw my dream computer. $1499. Its like a quarter of whatever i have gone. Of course i was a bit frustrated that it could only be my dream computer... but i guess ive become one of many who can only afford to look.

I have a problem. When im frustrated, i tend to spend. Spending becomes like therapy. It makes me feel as if my life is still like others. That i can still afford to buy stuffs. Of course the only thing that i spend on would be can drinks, and the occassional nasi lemak at the canteen on days when breakfast at the cookhouse is not up to standard.

Deployment starts again this tuesday morning. Will be on off from tues night till thurs night. And the 4 days work cycle resumes for a month.

I borrowed a book about design and structure for architecture. maybe it might give me a hint of what i would be learning when school starts next year. But not surprisingly, it's giving me headaches. Not the contents but more of the whole idea of studying that's disturbing me. Perhaps i gotta start getting used to reading soon. Also relooked at the courses i might want to reconsider taking and suddenly i realise that im no longer as keen as i used to be.

Was reading my friend's Men's health mag and saw this stat which says that a person's brain cells die faster when one is alone than when one is around people. Quite scary huh?

Oh im not as sad as i may come across to be. Im still the guy who talks alot , watches a lot of Tv, read books, write stuffs, plan stuffs and stuffs like that. And yes im still the guy who seldom goes out. Ive calculated: I wanna try put aside $16 for transport. $4 to and back from camp 4 times a week.

have a nice day!

Sunday, January 28, 2007


i got 3 days off. spent all 3 days either at home or at my grandma's. Mostly at home.

Mama just got back on monday. So things been back to normal. Well all except ytd's experience which was paranormal. haha.... imagine receiving a card which has the word sixth sense written on it. and the things he do includes removing evil spirits from your body, from your house, and... i forgot the last one.

well in this day and age, who really does believe in such things...

Human relation skills being perfected back in camp. How different ways of talking leads to different results. Like how i can push someone to his limits without him losing his cool.... and also how others may not be suitable to this sort of treatment. I could also treat someone nice and get results but i could treat someone nice and they would end up stepping on my head. Right now im still the sergeant who talks too much...... haha...

yet to sit down and plan my map yet. maybe now that i've mentioned it, i'll go and get it done right away.

Terrence steadman is dead. I wonder how scofield and burrows can prove their innocence.... Cant wait for episode 15.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Double doze...

i noe i noe the answer but sometimes i just cant help but wonder why i am the way i am?

i noe i can be the best of friends and the best of brothers and the best of sergeants and the best of boyfriends and the best of husbands and the best of fathers and the best of anything but im just not being any of these.

why i dun like to go out. why i dun like to hang out with people who arent my younger brothers or why dun i like to spend or why u dun like to do this and that. i noe i can do all this but why dun i want to?

why dont i want to take the first step. why dun i want to take the next step. why do i take two steps backwards after taking one step forward.

why cant i be normal. why cant i be like other people. why cant i not be i?

why am i not afraid that i may lose my friends if i keep staying in my own shell? ahkim's words never fail to play in my head but i simply do not worry.

is it because im never around friends to be afraid of losing them? i sound like im a selfcentered individualistic guy. but i noe im not.

questions questions questions.....

im in the process of making myself a map. a path for me to take from now till the day i could live without a plan.


Life without...

No more strong income coming in. Which means very few eating outside sessions. Very few shopping trips. Very few new clothes, new shoes, new bags. No more transport to bring us around. Which means taking public transport. Watching money goes by tap after tap. Taking way too long a time than we used to. Discipline. No one that can actually maintain our household discipline. No dad means no limitations. My sister's having the time of her life.


No more no one to look after me when i fall ill. The someone who has the answers to everything. The chef. So no her means no food. Or food must be bought. No one to tell stories to. No one to tell us what to do... like wake up early... dun come back home late.... pray. No one to remind us that there's at least one person in the world who loves us.

Mama's coming back in 2 days. But id only see her days after that when i book out. I have had dreams i wished would not happen. Dreams that only make me start to love her more. I want her to come back so that i have less to worry about.

Right now, I have a goal.... a goal that id want to start working towards from now on.... i wanna be able to own a ferrari by age 25.

As for a more reasonable goal, id like to have the computer in my own room repaired. So that i can blog more often. And thoughts can flow at a much faster rate. That way my english improves and my brain gets the exercise it needs.

Monday, January 1, 2007

A post for the new year

one month without writing... a surprise even for me...

the writer me used to write stuffs... tell stories... wonders alot...and dream a lot...

not now. Or should i say not at the time being.

Ive become a bit more pragmatic. Daydream less, more action.

My perspective of life, my life, has changed. An extra value meal hurts. 4 extra value meals is a no no. It's cheaper to get 4 packets of chicken rice. I never understood why parents had that way of thinking.... till recently.

How much am i spending? How much my family is spending? How much am i earning? Are we spending more than what i earn? How can we cut our expenditure? Should i work on weekends? Should i plan for the future? How far ahead ? 5 years? 10 years?

Questions that i never thought id think about had been thought thru. Well the answers to those questions would be splashed all over here if i was still the old me. But the new me says that some things are just meant to be confidential. But i have thought things thru, as far as the next 10 years. And rest assured that on paper, things shouldnt be too bad. So im worrying lesser now.

Living without a dad is bad enough, but without both ur mum and dad... its really bad. My mama's off for a month for the pilgrimage leaving us 4 at home alone. Me being in camp for 5 out of 7 days leaves them 3 at home alone. No one cooks... Besides eggs and maggie... So its just what u see is what u get. Wonder how long they can survive on bread and kaya. We could always go to our aunt's place to eat but nothing beats my mama's cooking. Wells looking at them i wonder how they'll live thru this few weeks. Can they manage their money well? What will they be spending their money on? What time would they sleep? Would my sis be using the com all night long since theres no one to restrict her? Who will sweep the floor and clean the toilet and water the plants now that there's no one to either do or reminds us to do? Have we really learnt so much from our mama that we'll take more initiatives on our own?

If only i get a penny for every thought that i think about...

Dun wanna talk too much. So ill try to end.

A new year means new resolutions.

I want to be a good dad. And i want my mama to be happy. And i want to start being happy with what i am and what i have.

Also gotta apologise if im starting to drift apart from u guys... I can only hope that time can make things back to how it was before.....

Take care. Have a good year ahead.