Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Growing up

She was excited when my brother had expressed interest to apply for a position in the Navy. However, when she saw the blank application form in the kitchen, she wondered if he had changed his mind. We later found out that he had withdrawn his application on his own accord. When asked, he mentioned that he needed two guarantors for the said application - and that I'm not eligible as I'm currently one for my sister.

He saw how difficult it was for my sister to find a guarantor - especially when she approached some cousins. And I guess he didn't want us to go through the same "begging" process.

While I'm somewhat disappointed that he hadn't consulted me or my mum in the matter, I'm also glad coz it shows how far he's grown. I wouldn't have minded helping him ask around on his behalf. I have several friends in mind whom I could have asked.

Well, I guess things happen for a reason. At the very least, I hope I've gotten the point across to him and his twin clearly - that wherever possible, I'll be there to help.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Sensitive old people

I used to find old people weird. 

Weird because they get slighted over the littlest things. They get upset when we do not drop them a call for a long time. They get upset at the slightest rejection of their ideas. They get upset when others do not agree with them. Their hearts seem softer and much more sensitive than they used to be. And I wondered why. Weird, they are... until one day someone shared a perspective that I find pretty interesting. 

The older one becomes, the closer one is to Death. This "newfound" sensitive nature - a reminder and preparation for death. The distance that may form between us and those around us makes us become closer to the One that created us. When we feel as though the world's against us, we're reminded of the One who is always there for us. I find it amazing how He reminds and guides us even when we're approaching death - like the kind invigilator who reminds and gives additional few minutes to those who're frantically racing to complete the exam paper.

As it's often the case for me, it's only when I feel alone that I find myself find Him. 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Missing November

I don't know how many times I've been writing this but work does take time away from the things you love doing.

November's the month in which we had to relocate the showflat. The planning, safety, coordination and details and the endless chasing of people to get things done was a pretty draining process. Part of the learning, I'd tell myself. Reaching home late often meant a cranky or tired me. Some nights, I found myself sleeping in the living room within 10 minutes of a quick lie down. Even Mama stopped nagging at me for sleeping in my work clothes. Either that or I must not have heard.

There was a brief period in which me and Ma did Maghrib and Isya together, and I checked her recitation which was honestly, better than I thought. However, November came and broke whatever momentum there was. While I know I should not let work control me and the things I do outside work, sometimes it just happens. I remember ranting to my mum about my work and how tough it can be at times early this November. I remember her reminding me that this is what the working world is like. And she added, "Ini baru alam pekerjaan. Belum lagi alam percintaan. Belum lagi alam perkahwinan."

That this, is just the working world. That I've yet to go through the trials of love and marriage.

While I know that she's probably trying to tell me to hang on, that everything I'm going through at work is normal and that things are gonna be alright, I can't help but wonder if love and marriage would make things any easier. I'm reminded of how a colleague once shared how his wife joked that after marriage, she felt like a married widow - simply because her husband either worked late or comes back home too tired. I laughed, but fear the day my future wife says the same.

I remember that while ranting to my mum, the phone began to rang. My younger brother called from camp - the twins routinely call back home once in a while. He called to say hi and shared with my mum what went on in the day, complained about some things. And then moments later, my sister called from her trip overseas to say hello. I realized that we all turn to our mum to hear some words of comfort once in a while. No matter how much we feel that we've grown up, we need her words to remind when we forget and reassure us when we feel troubled.

I remember realizing how fortunate we are that our mom's a stay-at-home mum who looks after our needs. If she was a working mum, I wonder if she'd have the time and the strength to listen to her children's stories and complains and the likes. Or would she simply go to bed early, like I've been doing most of November.

And then I realized that I'd need someone to be there for me should the day come when my mum is no longer around. Someone whom I could call everyday and ask, "Hello. Nari masak apa? I'm on my way back." Someone who could hear me rant and offer some words of advice.

November also made me realize how I'm starting to feel a little more sensitive - like old people. I don't know why. I find myself thinking and reflecting about life and happiness. I find myself missing my siblings. I find myself thinking about my mother. And then I find myself tearing, again. Perhaps, it's been a while since I had my eyes washed. I guess the body has it's unique way of making things happen.

And then there's 3 weddings in November. And another 3 in December. And then there's the planned break in January. Hopefully the journey to the three mosques would be the break that could help sort out the mess and knots in my mind. Until then, hello December. Be nice.