Friday, September 30, 2005


Been sleeping during almost all my lectures lately. Cant help it man..... i need to take short naps in order to survive the whole day. Anw, its not as if i can understand wat they're saying...

Read yesterday's paper this morning--about teachers reading their students blog. Haha...come to think of it, i never really tot about it. Man.... typing words like "Mdm Khoo" or "ali" in the BloggerBar , one is sure to find my blog. Wonder if any of my teachers read my blog? Haha... well.... i dun tink so. Its funny-- u publish ur post for ALL to see but u dun wan ur teacher to read ur entries. The weird world we live in.

Feeling sleepy now--and the night's still young lah. Tmr got Maths test. I still haben eat since 2 just. Hungry-- but not in the mood to eat. I guess i better go eat sthg before i collapse.

And a gentle reminder, this "someone" is nothing but a figment of my imagination. Haha..... ppl like me, where got ppl want one? Yea... she's not real. Period.

Thursday, September 29, 2005


Finally faced Mdm Khoo(chem teacher) today. GOt 25/100 overall. Was kindof ashamed to face her lah. But after hearing what she told me, i feel very very determined to carry on and make up for lost time. Words.... they are one thing i love. Coz they are meant for u and only u. Hearing words from others... from a short hello or a words of encouragments... to motivational chat... Every single word said to me is like a gift from u....coz they were meant for me and me only (Unless its meant as a cruel joke or what lah..haha...)

WEnta my new den after skool-- the place outside the reading room. Natural light, natural wind.... silence... haha...i slept for an hour there lah...alone.... till Kim and Adib woke me up to say goodbye. DAmn nice the feeling. However, managed to do 1 or 2 mths qn before tt. I was tired. I aint gonna say i wasted time or anything like i used to. I knoe i cant really push myself too much coz there's afterall, 41 days left. I aint gonna exhaust myself too much. I kind of like the short nap i had.

Having read a couple of books abt studying and writing and all in the past, i decided to opt for a "change in environment".... the canteen. When one can't do much in Place A, one should go to other Places like Place B instead. Haha.... different air, different atmosphere... different study moods... Only 2 person in the canteen-- me and some other girl sitting some ten tables away. Did around seven maths question till 615 before i finally went home. Happy wif myself for having accomplished sthg on my own. The learning and discovery of ways to understand some maths concept was really useful to me, and i did it all on my own. There's more stuffs for me to cover....i'll speed things up as the hours go by. SElf-directed learning -- never hv it been so effective. Wished i had done this earlier but-- i hv to admit tt weak humans like me only count on the pressure put on us by time before we really do sthg bout it. WEll wat more can i say.... i'm just lousy.

Straight Fs....finally toked abt my grades on my blog. And it couldnt hv come at a better time huh?

"Along with every hardship is relief" (Quran 94:5). I'm going to go get the grades i want. 41days of hardship? Of which 30 of tis days are days of the fasting month. I simply cant believe my luck-- having to do revision amidst fasting and night prayers and having to wake up early in the morning to eat our meal and reading the quran. Cool... I'm not complaining though. I am in fact really really glad about this! With God close to me, God willing, i'll be able to do good.

One thing i realised is tt my appetite has decreased by alot this past few days. SInce monday, ive been eating very very little! Must be the effect of my results.... the "sparkle" in my eyes have sort of vanished. I hv to say tt it aint nice telling ppl u got straight Fs. I still feel rather disappointed.Though i will not make it make me feel depressed, my feeling's still gloomy nonetheless.

ANd tt "someone" i kept tokin abt... i shall stop tokin abt her frm now on. If u guys hv been guessing who she is, i hope u'll stop wondering.... like really... The more i kp mentioning this someone, or the more u ask me who she is, the less special she'll become. She's special because only i knew about her. But now, as days past and as i keep "sharing" this someone with u guys, the less special this someone has become. Thus, i shall cease to discuss on the topic of "someone" so tt she'll be like the special person she was the day she came into my life.

Well....all in all, nothing much happned in recently. Just the same boring me and the mundane stuffs i engage in. *smiles*

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I was thinking abt the concept of "trust" on my way home. Hock....australian... joke... me....someone....girl or guy.... It may seem harmless to the joker, but really, all this makes the joker a slightly less reliable person.(Not u Hock, i'm tokin abt tis in general). When one says "i dun trust u anymore".... it's really quite bad coz it'll last a long time. I make lousy remarks and lame jokes at times(rarely nowadays but still..) and when i'm being serious, ppl think twice before believing me. THere's of course the other side of me but knowing tt there's the "joker" inside me, i may be trusted more by some and less by most. Trust....

Wateva u do...never break a mama's trust. I broke it once a couple of years back doing sthg mama didnt expect me to do. Though mama seem to have put her trust in me once more, it'll never be the same anymore.

Lousy grades, though expected, still have it's toll on me. Stayed back in skool till 7 trying to undestand organic--manage to do alkane,alkene and arenes. Not much but i'm progressing. It's great to have Hock ard to answer my doubts. But it's even better to know that Hock knows when i nd him and when i need some breathing space. In that span of 4 hours in solitude, i learnt alot. Read this book after skool in the libry abt speedreading and mindmapping. One of the things i learnt is to sit up straight when ure studying. It's also best to study under natural light aka the sun. And natural wind is nice too! And i've learnt to give myself a 10 minutes break after 35-40mins of study. Haha....though i'm alone, i'm glad there's "someone" to keep me company....(yea, tt imaginary special someone)

Quite shagged after today. Gonna see how much i can do till i sleep. Maths test this friday. Gonna prepare for it. Tomorrow--gonna finally see Mdm khoo during my first chem tutorial this week. Haiz.... dunnoe how to explain my results to her. She still wants to see my timetable....and ...haiz....scary. I'm not scared of being scolded and all but it's just that Mdm Khoo is a really nice teacher and seems to me that she knows i can do it if i put in the effort. But with 42 days left, i think i may have sort of disappoint her... but mostly, i may hv sort of disappoint myself. Gonna put it double the effort for chem.

physics paper 2 was badly done. Saded but, i really didnt noe my stuff so wat more can i say? Gonna spot my weakness and seal the leak.

Learnt abit on plumbing today...repairing leaky pipes and leaky toiletbowls. Observed someone do it just now, roughly noe wat to do. Impt life skills...

On the whole, i was pleased with myself today. Though i kind of wished i hadnt spent my day on an almost empty stomach. Lacked energy to joke or what lah. Can only smile when ppl say when ppl joke.... hhaha.... simple life. But once at home, my attn span decreased by a lot! haiz... still nursing an empty stomach now. Seem to me tt mama didnt cook anything nice today. Saded... Pray tt i wun get gastric pains...

And it's nice to see the ever so "dunnoe how to describe" Nizar giving me words of encourgagements. It's words like this tt come out from special ppl tt really makes me wanna work hard and give my best. =)

Trust.... if u cant trust me in person, haha.... i guarantee u u can trust everything i say on my blog. Trust me. =)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

while stocks last

totalitarian...authoritarian...whicheva it is... i hate this kind of rule man. Mama told us that dad asked one of his fren if he could install a password in this com and that if any one of us wants to use this com, we have to ask for his permission first. If there's such a thing, we're dead. If there isnt, we're dead too coz dad would surely hv a Plan B.

And imagine wat hearing "the computer is meant only for ur studies" over and over again does to me? -- it makes me feel guilty. and blog... wah...why cant my family be like other families? No restrictions with how one uses the com-- computer games is definitely a no no in this family... now ALL things besides school also cannot...

damn unhappy bout this man. My blogging days are numbered, really. I guess dad's gonna pull the plug one of these days. Enjoy my entries while they last.

As for me, i shall enjoy the company of my frens online while they last. So sad lah, to think tt the internet is my main medium for communication ..... and it is the thing tt will be taken away from me. It would be one thing to have a handphone but the thing about having a phone is the money needed to sustain it lah.... cant even afford 2 nuggets on my Mee Rebus still can dream of having the elusive phone.haiz.... How i wish i have a laptop or sthg. But dennagain, i have a feeling that internet connection will be cut too since the $47.90 we're paying now will go back to its usual price of $50++ come december and that it is apparent to our parents tt we're using the com more for play than work. Well....$50 a month for "play" is a lot.But how often do we get to use it to do purely school work? Anw,my dad's not getting any younger and me and my siblings still hav a long way to go in terms of schooling. Thus making it quite reasonable to have such "unreasonable" rule in my family.

But amidst all these negativities, i can still be happy thx to one thing -- my special someone. Hope i dun sound crazy or anything ya? *smiles*


(after 15minutes of typing and backspacing,i finally knew wats wrong wif me)....

....i'm not in the mood to talk to others for the time being. Dunoe for how long but......shall sit in this dark haven of mine pondering and thinking abt everything before i start work.

(after more typing and deleting)

hmm...finally found my blogging touch. SO shall finally talk. So much for a break frm blogging huh? Mere 24hours. Well what to do? Blogging is the ONLY way i can talk about anything to anyone. well, i guess not the ONLY way... there's ONe other avenue tt i can turn to to talk abt anything as well...anything except abt the "someone"..

First, the "someone" tt kept appearing on my msn nick and my previous entry had caught a fair bit of attn. But just hold on for a sec and wonder.... "could this depressed blogger be telling the untruth? COuld he hav simply made this "someone" up to attract attn?" haha.....well i guess u guys no better. No point for me to confuse u guys. But only i will noe who this "someone" is. Not even u will noe who tis someone is. Haha... maybe i'll tok abt it when i finally feel like opening up? haha... but till den, dun bother asking me who it is. Anw, with so many things to ponder about these days like my miserable grades.... with me feeling down and alone all the time, it would be stupid of me to try not to think about this person. Coz thinking about it simply breaks the monotony of my life. *smiles*

Shall end wif a smile. how's my school day today? Shall keep that feeling hidden from the world. I noe tt if i type about it, the more i'll feel depressed about it. Some feelings should simply be kept inside me instead of making it public.I simply hope tt it'll fade away with time.

*smiles*...till the day i find tt very(X dunnoe how many) special someone, this "someone" shall be my imaginary special someone, cheering me up when i'm feeling down, being there beside me when i'm feeling lonely... and stuffs like dat.......=)

Sunday, September 25, 2005

....finally..... (with added stuffs)

On Hiatus

..................Dun miss me =)


I need help. There's this person that have been taking too much of my fairly limited memory space. And it has been for quite some time now. Is there anything i can do to take this person off my mind during these 45 days? haha....... i just need to think about something else besides this person--like skool for instance. I really really do.....This person can come back into my dreams after the As...haha... Help me ya?... Tag wat u tink i can do. Or wheter u tink there's nothing i can do. =)


wanted to copy and paste the lyrics only skali got song oso sia... hahaa...

Had this dream yesterday night. I mustve kept thinking about it over and over again lah. haha.... haiz....can see inside my dreams oso can lah...haha..

kk.... after a while, u all sure get sick of the song one. haha.... so till i post enough posts, u have to either endure or switch off ur speakers for a while ;)

Haha....the hiatus i was talking about a few days ago.... i think i'll start today.


All I Have To Do Is Dream

Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I’m dreamin’ my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I’m dreamin’ my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream sweet....

Saturday, September 24, 2005

The shower

When ure feeling really angry, u shuldnt get too carried away with it. I suggest taking a cold shower. Lemme sort some things out here. Haha.... (a 10 minutes shower makes a whole world of diff)

Yes i was super angry at my sis, but that was half an hour ago. No longer am now. Cmon, i m her BIG BROTHER man..... how could i throw my sister out onto the streets. How could i not cry if she doesnt come home? How could i not shed a tear if the police come knocking on my door telling us she's dead? She is,afterall, my one and only sister.

Well, during arguments and fights, or when one is simply angry, most tend to say things that they dun really want to. People tend to say whatever they feel like saying but they dun really mean what they say. Like when i said that if she doesnt care about the people at home, why must we Fcare(btw, the F was a typo) about her? Cmon.... u and i noe that i dun mean it. How could family not care about one another? How could family be mad with one another? This sort of things only happen among ur friends.... never in ur family.

WEll i do care about who she goes out with.... and it better not be a guy. I do care if she come home late. What in the world could she be doing in school? Study? With her FRIENDS? Haiz.... its so hard managing my sister man..... mama's so tired of controlling her.... she told my sis that she'll have a one to one chat with my dad later and that if she wants freedom, then she could tell him that later.

Hopefully my child wun be like her, if i do meet the very(X12 or isit 13) special someone that is. It'll be hard taking care of someone like her. But with the experience i have..... haha.... i think i can even take care of Dennis the Menace. And guys, i was super dooper angry half an hour ago.... but not now =)

And the "or else..." part, haha.... i was being melodramatic......

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: When someone's angry, dun take the things tt he or she says to heart. 99% he or she doesnt mean it. The other 1%.....haha...... what ever he or she says is the truth. Heh.... but he or she didnt mean to say it in front of u. And when URE angry at someone, scold and scream and shout all u want(Writing ur feelings down would be nice). Then take a 10 minutes cold shower and everything will be fine. Trust me.

Me and my big mouth

My sis wanted to go out with her friends and TOLD my mum she wanted to go out. Mama went blah blah blah and in my heart, i knew she'll surely let my sis go. Tts when i opened my big mouth and said that its my mama's fault that my sis keeps wanting to go out with her friends. Coz everytime my sis TELLS my mum she wants to go out, mama will like tok and tok and tok but eventually let my sis go.

So mama told my sis..."Heard wat ur brother said?".... "Do u understand wat ur brother is trying to say?"

And she said no... and acting dumb...., she finally ASKed mama if she could go.... Mama asked her again, do u understand what ur brother is saying? Den my sister said, "can or cannot?" ANd mama went "NO." And my sis stormed back into my room..... hmph! Everytime if my mama let her go out, she'll be like so happy and ACT nice but when mum doesnt allow her to, she shows her freakin attitude to the whole world. And i wanted to use my room to study and she rather rudely ignore my telling her to get out-- pretending not to hear me coz she was wearing the headphone. One hell of a kid man..... freakin tired of it. Must be the LOUSY friends she hav in skool! What kind of influence are they having on my sister? Recently sis been rude to mama and grandma and now me..... cant take it no more! She's gonna get it from me if she pushes me over the edge man. WHo cares if she's a girl? She's MY sister.... and FREAKIN ATTITUDE and RUDENESS shall cease to exist in MY family. I'm the BIG BROTHER in this family... if mum and dad are not doing something about her attitude..... i will.

ANd from now on, I am not going to care anymore. What she's doing in school till late at night everyday i aint going to care... who she hangs out with? TO hell with it! SHe can go out wherever she wants whenever she wants with whoever she wants for all i care! I'm not even going to cry if she doesnt come home! I'm not even going to shed a single tear if the police comes knocking at my door in the middle of the night telling us that they found my sister dead some where in her school or dead in a motorcycle accident or watever! WHO CARES!!!!

If she doesnt care about the people at home, why should we Fcare about her!?? Let her FRIENDS send her off. Let her FRIENDS arrange her funeral.... i aint gonna give a damn about it man...... SHe's gone too far..... BACK to SQUARE 1...... WHO CARES?! For once, i'm stepping of the square and am not going to bother bout it..... She wants to show that she's boss... let her be... and if mum and dad fail to get her under control before they leave this world, i'm gonna throw her out into the streets and shall live life as though i NEVER had a sister!

Never have i seen such attitude in any of the people i noe. Maybe the sample of people i noe is too small.... i guess that's the beauty of not knowing much. See the difference....?


Super dooper pissed off..... i may have broken ur record but hey, what's the point right? I tot the problem lies with me.... I WAS WRONG! Its not! The problem lies with her and HER circle of FRIENDS! She better not get in my way anymore man..... or else, she'll die i tell u..... she'll die....

-**the statement that shuld have never been here**-

An introduction to the science of hadith

...and with that, i shall also start introducing myself to the science of Man -- Physics and Chemistry.

I'm particularly amazed at how a hadith is rated. How a hadith is either accepted or rejected. The long and tedious and careful and strict process of it all.... And my keen interest in finding out, trying to seek answers on my own amazes even my own self...

...shall apply my new found ability to the Sciences of Man... find out why e=mc^2 or why i cant seem to grasp concepts pertaining to magnets and radioactivity. Or why i have to use this reagents under that conditions in order to undergo this reaction....

I think i am more or less prepared to start linking and visualising concepts in my mind. My mind has truly widened during the past 48hrs in solitude within the confines of the four corners of my room. And i shall fill up the empty spaces in my brain with knowledge that i need for the As.

.."the People of Knowledge"..... i want to be like one...

Friday, September 23, 2005

a new day...

24hours of religious studies should be more than enough for now. Just have to add that the process of finding out and seeking answers is so damn shiok!!

Heard about Hurricane Rita..... muahaha.....The people of Noah werent spared. So were the people of Hud and Lot. And now, the people of the world's most powerful nation...shant say more for fear of creating tensions..

Shall go read the "Handbook for bloggers and cyber-dissidents". Heh.... finally a book on ethics which bloggers ought to possess. zzz.... been a good day today. Life within the four walls of ur home is certainly the best.

Haha..... peace..


My profound apologies to people who dun have a clue as to what today's entries mean. Not that all this doesnt concerns you. Not just yet.

This concerns everyone. THe "Sign of the day of judgement" concerns everyone.

This is what Ali does when he locks himself up in his room all day like today. Woke up at 6.00 today. Bathed and prayed and read the Book. Went online to seek food for my curious mind....saw a site where i can download books from. THOSE kind of books. Doubts and questions were the things which made me really disturbed. Ate little for breakfast at 10.00. After which i went back to my room to read more. Took a short prayer break at 1.00. And slept till 5. Bathed and eat. And locked myself in my room again till now, reading and learning about stuffs.

Simple day huh? Well... my kind of life. The side of me u didnt noe about. Until now....

That's why going to the movies(even though just once) is such a "scary" thing for me to do. My day is more or less the same everyday-- the Book, prayers, and school. Having to step out of my house is one of the things i rarely do on off days like today, what more going to the movies and so on. Btw, i read a fatwa of a shaikh this morning: "There is no doubt today that television is haraam(forbidden). Today, ninety-nine percent of what is on television is evil, licentious, immoral,forbidden, and so on, while one percent of it has some shows presented that are of benefit to some people."

In islam, there's the halal which everyone noes about and theres also the haraam(aka the not halal). To put it briefly, doing things which are haraam = sinning. Thus, to watch or not to watch. What do u think?

In the movies, u see people doing all sorts of things wearing all sorts of things.... its a battle i m fighting, my desires vs the promise of heaven, the wrath of hell. My choice: the latter. But u noe the Devil.... sometimes even i sucumb to desires.

Well, my point being, the actual reason why i dun do some stuffs like going to the movies and so on isnt as simple as u and i think. Theres levels of thoughts being put into it.

And haha.... i find it odd.... trying to expl to u why i dun go to the movies.

But let's put it this way. U are promised paradise if u do the things u are told to do and avoid doing things that u arent allowed to do-- as simple as that. Will u STILL do the things u NOE u musnt do?

and before i end today's series of entries, i really have to apologise if i may have offended any of u guys. And sorry if today's entries seem WAY off tangent with any other previous entries of mine.


Having read so many articles in one day, my view on my religion has really widened. But having said that, one cant learn much on his own. He needs a teacher.....

"Even the most perfect athlete will look for a trainer when he prepares to climb a high mountain. A big factory employs master workmen and foremen, as well as engineers. A worker who begins to work in such a factory learns the basic aspects of his job first from this master workman and then from his foreman. If he tries to see the chief engineer before learning them, he will not understand anything from the engineer's words and calculations. Even the best gun expert cannot correctly use a new gun given to him unless he is first taught how to use it." Right shak?

looking at people within Islam "shooting" one another....i find it rather disturbing. I know that such things existed but I never really got myself "involved" in such things knowing that such things weren't meant for kids like me. That such things werent of great concern to kids like me. Well i aint a kid no more. No matter how much i wanna stay 6, 10 or 17 all my life, i noe i cant. Hence the change in me(for the first time,i'm accepting the transition!).

I dun find it disturbing to see islam "shooting" other religions as mentioned in my September 6 entry. But i find it hard to accept differences in views within the same religion. The 4 mazhabs....the 4 imams....

Which mazhabs did the imams belong to? They were Salafis.
The Salafis view the first three generations of Muslims, who are the prophet Muhammad's companions, and the two succeding generations after them, the Taba'een and the taba Tabe'een as perfect examples of how Islam should be practiced in everyday life. These three generations are often referred to as the Pious generations. This principle of law is derived from the following hadith (tradition) stated by the Prophet Muhammad: "The best of people is my generation, then those who come after them, then those who come after them (i.e. the first three generations of Muslims)." (Reported by Bukhari and Muslim b. al-Hajjaj).

Was really intrigued by what i've learned the whole of today. Shant spend too much time on this though. Answers will come to me in time to come,God willing. In the mean time, better focus on my As.

And btw, my consolation prize for today:

The most infamous Salafi is Osama Bin Laden. =)


Contradictions within the same faith-- i find this preety disturbing. Shant go into details yet coz i hv yet to clarify this with my teacher. Who's telling the truth and who's not? How can normal people like u and i tell the difference? Which one is the right one and which one is the wrong one?


Been reading so many stuffs i found thru google. Cant really seperate the truth from the lies. So many questions that i need answers to....


So to my muslim friends out there, do u think u noe everything u need to noe about ur religion? If u dun, are u doing anything to find out more? Is there a need to find out more? Or am i simply worried about something i shouldnt be worried about?

The truth..... never have i been so concerned about finding the truth.

The Signs before the Day of Judgement

Spent my early morning reading books i found on the net.

"The Signs before the Day of Judgement" is one good book. Shall share with u guys the content of it some other time =) Gtg eat and do school work.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Great day... great game... break's over

Physics was doable though my kind of doable is very different from ur kind of doable. If i really read and write for the full 2.5hrs paper means its doable. Though it was really a waste i didnt do much ytd.

Hanged with different group of real people. And i learned a new word... "Yoshi".. haha...i tot it was some character from Ninja Turtle lah! Only to find out later its some jap fast food outlet. Haiz.... ytd was bad... once i reached home, i didnt do ANY physics... slept at 11 and woke up at 6. Set my alarm at 3 but woke up only to shut that thing up. Yea, i learned that i'm not the night kind of guy.

Anw today was a good day. Played soccer after physics. weather was so fine though it was ard 11. Made myself look like a fool chasing after the ball... not passing correctly... shooting way off target....shouting alot at my teammates... showing frustrations when they miss(as if i can do better).. heh.... but i was so high that i didnt care. Too stressed so am making full use of the session to destress. Kim...can see he a bit(maybe alot) pissed off with me coz i kept taking my time to pass the ball. Call it confidence(HAHA)... well i was high... but yea.. most of the time i simply gave away the ball just like that sure make people angry one. Haaha... but actually rite, i really think i did great! Scored 3-- one is thru HEADER!!! haha...power... can score more but even though i'm high, i must remember that its a team game... so must assist abit.*woohoo* (must praise myself abit, still very the high)...

well...gonna go bathe and start with my physics....shall clear up lots of stuffs by saturday so i can start asking hock questions when school resumes. Woohoo!! So happy=) Shall stop playing soccer already. i dun wan to end my "soccer days" playing like shit or sitting outside the court more than playing inside it or getting scolded more than i scold ppl. was damn shiok for me... still happy lah...

...some more play lots of games never cramp....! =)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


not from me but from my grandma. She went into my room, closed the door and told me she feeling very hurt. Coz she heard me and mama fight yesterday and she said she never hear anyone fight liddat before. And i very the sad oso lah Coz the part when my mama ask me where i want to go, i told her my grandma house can oso... den i shouted across to my grandma's room..."can or not grandma? U wanna go back? I'll follow u.."

man... grandma cried...never see her cry before lah. And the fite was yesterday! And she still cries thinking abt it. Tts how hurt she feels. Tts how hurt i feel too.. And all that becoz of her grandson. kk.... i noe i shuldnt have gotten into that arguement with my mama... and i knew i shuldnt hav shouted at anyone nor whacked anyone .... but....

i did cry a few times too lah. coz i was so so so wrong. And i'm sure mama cried too coz she always does when i...I push her over the edge. And i noe my youngest bro cried..made so many ppl cry. Just becoz of me-- stress, depressed, exams and school. Well i noe i shuld vent frustrations elsewhere.... but if not to frens then to who? To ppl at home lah! BUt i NOE its wrong.... but u cant stop a temporarily unstable person from doing things can u.

U cant do much when ure alone. U can comfort urself all u want. U can write all u want. BUt at the end of the day, sadly, frustrations hv to go to somewhere doesnt it?

The other side of me u guys wun noe. But hey, i dun mind telling stuffs like this. Long time never tell stuffs to anyone.... so why not do it here.... its nice walking ard knowing that more ppl noe more abt u....even though by doing this, i'm condemning myself to being single all my life..

-Still cant believe i made grandma cried. Maybe she cant believe that she'll live to the day when I, the grandson she raised, was shown the way out by my beloved mama, the women she raised-

Cried too much that i can cry no more..

false front?

...mere act?...pretence? I predicted that this 3 days could break cracks emerged... this aint good..

I'm lost.

Anw,am not gonna start all over again-- and "whine".I learnt from last week's episode that guys dun whine evn tho is nice to whine once in a while. But really, i cannot tahan much longer.

told mama i dunnoe wat to do if this goes on[btw, me and mama--it was as if ytd never happened=) ]. i really dunnoe wat to do. ANd she asked me my other members(nizar and tauhid) all how... and i said they're doing good. And she said, how come they can u cannot? And i said... different ppl different. I'm slower. Too slow. And i AM NOT goin to say i'm dumb or stupid or am not cut for this sort of thing. I repeat, i AM NOT goin to say i'm dumb or stupid or am not cut for this sort of thing.

movie? One day only? I haben been treating exam-days like exam-days. No reason to celebrate or "destress".... haiz... *excuses excuses huh?* Or lets just say i aint ready to break the norm just yet. Its true tt there's always a first time but first times are always hard. maybe once b4 year end?.... but dennagain, hav the feeling tt tt dae'll never come... =(

some part of me are simply hard to change.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

THE MOST stoopidEST..

....thing to do is to be fighting with ur mama. My bro was rude to me so i decided to do unto him wat was done unto me when i was a child.

Still feeling jealous that my bros werent given the "treatment" tt my parents, esp my dad, gave me when i was young. Which made me soooo scared to do anything w/o my parents permission. Which made me respect my elders. Which results in me and my old fashioned values. Anws, i may hv gone overboard lah and mama shouted back...... and then she said sthg abt make sure during fasting month we all dont giv her problems or else... was here when i muttered 'liddat fasting month i dun stay at home better lah" and she "exploded" here. Asking where i want to go and all that. tt Now tt my sister giving her problems i oso want to give her problems blah blah blah.... den she said abt go lah.... no need wait for fasting month oso can go....super irritated lah. Anyone got room to spare? Haha.... but till how long? dats why i say getting into a fite wif ur mama is THE MOST stooopidEST thing to do. Anw, i the way i behave and the things i say all DAMN similar to my mum lah. All inherited from her one. Still want to blame me.

anw, wun be dumb enuff to run away lah. Where to get pocket money all? Where to sleep? and like i said, for how long?

worst come to worst i'll hang in skool till late. but dennagain, if i dun go home early, my bros will use the opportunity to watch tv and slack. haiz.... i dun care! Now i go home early. After PSLE, i start going home late. alamak...but by then fasting month liao... cannot go home late... -annoyed!-

i was ALMOST ALMOST tempted to tell my mama that this kind of time is the right time for one to commit suicide....but i didnt.....was super dooper annoyed lah... coz its been a long long time since mama scolded me.... anw, Wonder how'll she react. Sure say u want to jump go jump lah! But leceh lah must go out of house to jump. Coz jump from my bedroom window 101% cannot die!

Back to stats. U noe wat. I stayed back in skool to do stats and in 1hr 45 minutes, i manage to do 5stats question. I go home and in 4 hours, i did none! haiz.... all the more i'll stay in skool than sit at home during the study break.


cool word. Perhaps i shuld take a break from blogging. =)

Anw, yet another mac breakfast. $20+ dollars on 4 breakfast. Mama's gonna kill me if she finds out.

Chem : One who doesnt prepare himself for a test is in no position to comment on it. SImply becoz he doesnt noe how to!

Well.... was quite irritated when mama asked me the question that she asks everytime i have papers. "How?" And after 3 straight days of telling her cannot, i told her "Dunnoe lah!" in an almost rude+angry+irritated manner. Lucky i didnt go one tone too far.

Back to stats.... back to writing in my "diary"... heh... writing's much more "intimate" than blogging =)

Monday, September 19, 2005

brain freeze

and when i finally decide to do werk.... my brain doesnt seem to function. Damn sickening man! Haiyah! nvm..

stared at qns. qns stared back. So not productive.

decided to giv myself a break. Stared at my alarm clock for five mins. Watched how slow every second pass. WEnt out to watch 15 minutes of tv. lie down in the middle of the living room for another 25 minutes, alone.Silence was all one could hear. Bloody quiet coz everyone in their rooms. After that quiet 25 minutes, decided to "wake up" and try start work. my brain is SO NOT working tonite. ANyone felt like this before? Or is it just me?

How do u get ur brain in the mood to absorb information? Any ideas? I need help.....

Brace urself...

..or shuld i say brace myself for the next 3 days which could really break me..

Bread in one hand and a pen in the other. Notes on my lap. Reading. The house bloody quiet coz everyone's at my aunt's place for fun. Left me,alone, struggling to get things into my head. Haiz...mama would be sad seeing the situation i'm in now...she can see i very the stress evn though i keep calm. heh... but i noe she really wants to see me and my good grades at the end of the day... so am really trying to make it happen... though it doesnt seem to be the case this past 2 days.

Past 2 days hv been the most unproductive, unfortunately. Shant elaborate simply becoa there's NOThinG to talk abt. Anws,I also realise that i learn more about myself when i write to myself instead of bloggin. Coz when i write to myself(in a book), i could tell myself EVERYTHING, but not when i blog. Haha..... still am regretting writing the two worst entries of my life.... which made me look really stupid... However,those entry made my "other" self disappear-- the budding writer... the online me...

Coz after those two entries, i realise that the budding writer and the online me are personalities that i'll never be. I realise that my life would be a whole lot simpler if ali remains ali. =)

Sunday morning rain is falling

....and it feels as if something's missing...

...and when i switched on the tv,the first thing i heard was "if i u cant be with someone u love, then start loving the someone ure with"...

Go figure!**

**This expands to "Go and figure it out", and means: "The reasons for the fact just stated are unknown and possibly unknowable. You can waste your time thinking about what they might be, if you choose, but you're not likely to accomplish anything." (Kivi Shapiro)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

3rd blogger charged

huh? U gotta be joking.

yep 17 year old Gan Huai Shi maintained a racist blog blah blah blah and got charged for it. cool... lets see how many bloggers the police will catch this month.

I guess now, i really really really have to be aware of the things i say. Coz after the first and second bloggers got caught, i didnt take it too seriously. But now that a SEVENTEEN year old is in the news, i guess its time for bloggers to really watch what they say.

Anws, i really dun think i'll be coming up wif long entries for the time being. Simply put it as ''not in the right mood yet"....

And oh, am facing the wisdom tooth problem. Basket... quite pain lah! =)

And one more thing, Google(Blog) search engine damn power. And i think u can search for blogs using the new and improved Blogger bar. Wow.... u can find ANYONE's blog if u type in the right few words. Scary huh? Even if u wanna make ur blog a personal one... and no matter how hard u try to keep it a secret... u CANT. Coz google invented such a good blog search engine that even i am afraid of. Wait if got people type in the word "terrorist", "bomb"".... haha... sure my blog appear one... =)

And btw, if any one of u guys have the URL for all three "infamous" sites, do tell me ya?

Lost the blogging touch

Have i been whining? Haha.... hope it didnt seem like it =P

kk....maybe it does seem like i'm whining. And having blogged like a "bapok" like Nizar said...(i really think i'm being myself lah!....erms... but dat doesnt mean ima bapok ok?!...haha) I seem to have lost my blogging touch. Like i no longer can blog about nothing or something the way i used to. It's hard to change moods in entries u noe. Coz u'll look stupid.

Like i did say i dun mind going blah blah blah in that ever so depressing entry den wait the next day, i forgot about it and blogged happily.... like funny rite? Haha... well... i guess that's what u guys want to see huh, me forgetting the worst series of entries i've ever written and .... "move forward", "persevere", "dont give up", "keep going","dun lose hope".....

Hey! i cant seem to shake off the depressed way of writing!!! haas....

BUt NIZAR's tag really really woke me up lah. Basket, pluck out my teeth. basket..... heh.... see! I'm good rite..... never do anything..... haha.... -lousy-


Saturday, September 17, 2005

Embrace the chaos in life

"Feeling more edgy than usual? It might seem as if an emotional cold front is moving in on you, more so than most people. However, you can difues any potentially high-stress situations by refusing to take on problems that aren't your own......... you need to learn your limits."

Seems like this dumb horoscope thingy noes wat im going thru huh..... but i quite like the tag "Embrace the chaos in life"

Friday, September 16, 2005

replies to tags

Like i said earlier, its nice seeing frens writing words of encouragement. But i wonder, was it something i said that made them worry?


feels good to say "haha" again. Has been TWO LONG entries since i wrote the word haha. have to admit i really felt horrible.

I noe i wrote "replies to tags" in the title column. Wanted to reply to the tags. BUt though i am feeling better, i cant really reply the way i used to reply. Dunnoe leh... am still a bit gloomy.... not the "haha" me. And btw, in case u didnt notice, this is me... ali.... not the Budding writer.... hope u guys can sense the difference in tone.

Well, hanging out with Nizar and Tauhid for the past three days made them tag! yea... and show more concern for me... but sorry if i suggested "going home" just now! They made me "leader" for one minute and asked me to decide where to go after breakfast/lunch. Haha.... they suggested Hougang Mall... Far East... and the only place i'm familiar with is home. Guess what? We went home.Tauhid told me to find god.... which i did, even before i saw his tag... i really think God sent me stronger=)

Hock's been ever so optimistic abt me doing decently for the As. I noe i must believe, but it's really easier said then done. I've never been in the state that i'm in before... and i must say that it's really quite strange lah the feeling. Like am forever in a daze. Looking at the walls....thinking... but... am gonna put tis all behind... stop comparing myself with u too much... u've overtaken me and left me so far behind that i need to compete with no one but my own self=)

Den i saw halimah's tag. Was surprised to see her tag. Pleasant surprise. But strange lah..... coz i used to keep this sort of feelings inside me lah. And i blogged like a little girl for the past few entries... qwuite embarassing lah... haha... but... this aint the real world.... DUn giv up on myself. Yea, i'll never giv up on myself. I love myself more than any other human being and never will i give up on myself. Actually, u noe wat, i told myself lots of times in past entries that prelims is inconsequential and not impt blah blah blah and i'm amazed to see the impact the prelims have on me. I guess i was lying to myself tht it was ok to not do well coz its never ok to not do well. i'll kp moving forward=)

Shak shak shak... haha... "Suicide is a choice made by megalomaniacs and losers." Even if suicide's a choice made by rich and successful people, it'll never be my way of escaping. BUt shak's comment was a dangerous one. If i was in such a lousy mood and felt like a loser, and i saw his tag, i'll probably dived straight out of my bedroom window and plunge to the 1st floor....! Scary.... lucky i wasnt in such an unstable situation.... =)

rz! Debut tag. But like i said earlier, qwuite embarassing to hv others see the other side of me. haha.... but .... tts why i started blogging in the first place... victory goes to the one that does not quit. but.... tis only happen in the movies rite? hahaha.... well.. kk...i'll see it in a more positive manner..... AND ur believe in urself so so true.... i guess i never did believe in myself... hah...thx! And i try get that victory....=)

eh....i forgot that i said i still am in a gloomy mood and tt i cant really reply to the tags. Haha... and looking at tis entry, its till rather long too! =( Something for me to improve on.... haha...

I really do hope tt i'll experience the victory rz talked abt. I'm looking forward to the day i blog abt that victory. But if i dun.... haha.... let's just focus on the if i do part first... =)

-thanks guys and imah and rz....!-

The awakening

If God helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? In God, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

In God, i trust.

Slept for 4hours after i blogged the most depressing entry ever. Was in deep thoughts even as i sleep. And as soon as I woke up, i heard my own voice saying "Life's just hard and i dun mind going" over and over again. Must hv subconciously embedded tt thought in me.

But immediately after those voices disappeared, i remembered tt in the dream i just had, i heard the sweetest words that a mum can say. I know in my heart that it was sthg i needed to hear, esp now. Though i cant seem to recall those words, no memory of what she said at all, i knew tt i woke up feeling a lot better than the ali 4 hours earlier.

WEnta browse thru the content page of the Quran looking for things tt concerns me and the state i'm in now. Read a couple of things which really made me feel stronger. Especially the above. And i read sthg about saying ur prayers with fear and hope.....

Hope...i didnt noe i was suppose to believe in wat i wanted.I tot tt if i just told Him what i wanted, i may or may not get wat i prayed for. But starting from now, I'll start praying with hope.

And i also came across a long verse which contained the following.. "(And they pray).... do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear..."

It seems as though i do not have the strength to bear what's being imposed on me. But I believe that God would not impose something on one whom have not the strength to bear. There's that strength in me somewhere, i know there is.

And I've been letting myself down too much when i compare myself with others.U noe sometimes i do wish i was like BenP.... so smart... But I forgot tt there's just some things that i have which others dun. May be nothing spectacular but i find I read somewhere that one should not be too jealous of the success of others. And compared to the success in life after death, the success here is way too little. Not tt i shuld by any means work less hard.

I forgot the very essence of life. My family. My home. Ive been so engrossed in what others say -- to drop my values, to spend more time with frens and stuffs like that that it makes me SO not me. They say my life is too controlled and i should loosen up a bit. And that i should yearn for more freedom. That i should step out and see the real world. And now that 18 is replacing my 17, ive been acting really weirdly at home and in skool.More vocal, rude to mum and grandma.
I told mama she shuld stop buying me shoes and clothes and all coz i'm past that age....that i'm no longer the little boy who wears whatevr she likes. I scolded grandma the other day for wanting to do housework(she shouldnt tire herself, but i couldve told her tt in a polite manner) And having breakfast 3 DAYS STRAIGHT outside....spending more than i hav.... borrowing money..though just $2 frm 2 ppl.... is certainly not me.

This is so not me coz my mama keep telling us that if u dun hv money, then act like u dun hv money. Dun borrow from others. Go home straight.Eat at home. Never ever ever borrow things from others coz it'll become a habit. Dont play with other people's things. If u spoil them, u'll have to pay for it urself. Our world is mama's world -- and i forgot that.

I guess i forgot the me that i have been all these years. The me who talks to himself more than he talks to others. The me who has and will always be a mummy's boy. The me whose mum still buys clothes for him. The me who doesnt like to waste a cent. The me who doesnt really like to waste time. The me who does things alone. THe me who isolates himself from everyone coz he doesnt want to be influenced too much by the negativities in the real world. The real me.....

And I guess i forgot the true meaning of fun. Fun to others may be watching movies and playing pool and eating out and hanging out with friends. But i realise that my sort of fun is to sit at home, ask my mum what she cooks,ask grandma if she's eaten, listen to what they hav to say, help ard, show her that i help ard, show grandma tt i help ard, disturb my bros,water the plants....and blog..

Of late, ive been wanting to change so badly to "adapt" that i forgot what i enjoy doing most.... And Kim's words still ring in my head. That if i dun hang out wif frens, i'll definitely lose them sooner or later. -scary- Its becoz of the converstion we had a long time ago tt made me want to change -- change so tt my frens would not go away.

So many things to do. So many ppl to please. really dun noe wat to do abt my social life. I'm raised in a way tts sooo family oreiented tt its hard for me to go over to the other side. And thank god i do not hv a love life...

well..... i guess i'll stop worrying abt losing my frens now. Start being the me i've been for 17 years. Start being the six year old/ten year old me. yes... i always seen myself as the six year old kid who grew up alone. And growing up with grandma and mum and my auntie.... i noticed tt i m rather soft. Dun retaliate when being made fun of etc etc. Coz the ppl i grew up with never made fun of me before. i've never known wat its like to be laughed at till i was thirteen. Thinking it was normal, i let it be. ...till today.. But not that i really mind. This is me. I musnt really deviate from the real me -- The me who hav reached this far thanks to family support... my mama's undying support......and only recently, frens . Frankly speaking, i am still quite new to the world of friends. Its weird when everytime u laugh or smile or talk, there's bound to be laughters and remarks and jokes. WEird becoz things back home have never been this way. My first 12 years have never been this way. I still am "adapting" to real people... though it has been almost 6 years now.... Enuff of going in circles-- my point being, i must start being my normal self back.

Frens come and go. Will my good friends go if i dun hang out with them? Kim really made me open my eyes abt life and frens. But if he's right, that the frens i knew will pretend not to noe me if i dun spend enuff time wif them, then i must say that this is something i shuld stop worrying abt now. Worst come to worst, the only ppl who'll turn up at my funeral will be family-- the ppl tts been highly supportive of me from start.

My life's just beginning. God willing, there's still a long way to go. So as from now on, i'll be the me i've always been-- the me that my mama wants me to be--the me that my frens dont want me to be--and start working my way up the ladder with God's help. Seems like Tauhid's rite, if i must escape, find god and he'll send me back stronger.

No more depressed entries from now onwards. And i promise, no more long entries too. Some people simply hate long entries.

And it's nice seeing frens tag words of encouragements. Frens come and go but i sure hope they dun go even if i spend less time with them. =)


Dun actually noe wat to do or say or write or blog actually.

Cheer up? But i cant find any reason to do so. Everything's been a mess. From GP to today's physics. Slept for 2+ hrs ytd trying to do as much physics as possible. It wasnt blind reading though. Just tt one night isnt enuff-- tis i'll keep in mind.

I could go on still but since its almost 1.30 i decided to sleep coz i plan to wake up at 4 to watch Man U's match and continue with physics. Oh, i DID wake up at 4 knowing i needed time to clear up physics. Watched Rooney get sent off and the free kick tt nearly ended in goal.... den did physics till 7 when i wenta skool. Cant say tt everything had gone to waste or tt despite my efforts, i'll still fail. It's more of a "u shuld hv done it earlier and on a regular basis" sort of feeling for me. Which is a weird feeling to say the least. This is the thing tt left me in a daze. Now I dunnoe wat to do frm here on out.

I noe i want to sleep now but a part of me wants to do chemistry. I'm like thinking thinking thinking abt how doomed life will be in 54 days time. yes i noe my entries been sounding depressing lately but tts how ive been feeling lately. Everyone seems to be capable of getting As for the As but not me. Like dunnoe who said yesterday, "U study oso sure fail". Quite true but i'm not the kind who's happy with tt kind of remark hanging over my head. Those kind of remarks were meant to wake me up and all but as such remarks and jokes accumulate, the gap between me and them seem to widen and tis makes it seem all the more impossible for me to catch up. -Psychological-

I think i'll do chem till my brains explode. Kim says "its not tt easy to go just like that" but i sure do feel like making it possible. Ive said it yesterday and i'll say it again today. Life's just hard and i really dun mind going away. Not thru suicide though. That's a no no. I am simply hoping tt the sand in my hourglass will run out soon. SOOOOON!!!! -frustrated-

No mood to talk abt breakfast at Long John at J8 with those 3. No mood to say thanks to Hafiz this time round. But hafiz, thanks. So today makes it $4. Yes we did laugh and all but i no longer knew wat i was really doing when i first checked my mcq answers. It made me look super dumb..... i'm still feeling it now...

I wanted to talk abt shooting stars and how nice Daphne's episode was. But no mood to talk abt it.

Wanted to talk abt how my bro missed today's skool,again, due to his on and off fever. BUt not in the mood to elaborate properly.

Tired. Simply dun noe what to do. I'll try get back on my feet latest by tonite and start work. Never have i recalled telling mama THREE DAYS STRAIGHT tt i cant do the paper. Actually when she asked me just now, i said oklah at first(maybe becoz i really wanted to gv her some hope tt i'm not in deep trouble)...and she was pleased lah.... but den i broke it to her, "no lah,still cannot".... and went straight to my room. Duwan to disappoint her but.... tt the idea of death hav been introduced by tauhid and nizar.... i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away. i really am in the mood to go away.

I dont mind going.I really dont. Call it escapism. Call it whatever.... life's just hard and i really dun mind going.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


Am darn hungry and i still haben pray the fifth prayer. Wanna go out to the kitchen to eat but nasty images keeps popping up in my head. THe more i blog those things down, the more i "see" things in my head.

stupid huh. Well, i wanna perform ablution so tt i can pray.ANd like someone ALWAYS say.... pray. haha.... coz someone told me tt even in her dreams, when the g word thing comes along, she'll pray and not be scared. Cmon...haha...if a girl can be tt brave....why cant i rite?! yea....i noe i'm a guy.... and I AM INDEED goin out into the dangerous world out there...

writing tis para made me braver.... woohoo~!


chem..last words.... strange happenings again..

if i'm not ali and i come to this blog, i may come another time to see if there's updates. If there's regular updates, i may come here again. But when i see someone blog abt maths today then chem den physics.... isnt it like repetitive? And boring?

Like Nizar said, he noes tt if he comes here later, he'll sure see me write..

"Wenta Mac again today. Now i really noe why they invite me eat together with them. Because they really need someone to make a fool of."

Which is a lil bit true.-saded- But i guess some of us are born to entertain others.-fate and destiny-

Yup....we wenta mac for breakfast/lunch. THANKS TAUHID. haha...ytd thnk Nizar, today thank Tauhid. Haha..... they were nice. I didn't beg. Hahaha.... yea.... they discussed chem after chem after chem and i was dumbstrucked. For i hv limited knowledge of tis subject. Want to make a joke out of nothing is quite hard u noe. Well not knowing anything to make a joke out of is a joke in itself. haha ... nizar saw the sadness in me....booohooohoooo... but i wasnt sad. Just sort of ashamed of myself. Its my job to know what they knew but i still am trying! What they noe since last year i only knew partially now. And theres 55 days left. Yea... wasnt sad lah.... just embarassed not to noe nothing. And me being too quiet, Nizar said tt being quiet is a sign tt i might be going. And TAuhid said tt he can feel tt i m indeed going.(jokingly of coz)... I'm not tt afraid. Hopefully, it wun be before the fasting mth...just three more weeks.... I dun wan to go but i dun mind going. Life's been hard and i'm not giving up just yet. But if Tauhid and Nizar DID feel tt i'm going.... then i better write my last words...

"If time doesnt allow us to see each other once more,the two dollars u lended me can be claimed from my mama, Tauhid. My only wish is for u not to claim more than the 2 dollars i owed u....hehe(last words oso still can joke).... and I'd like to thank God for making my 17 years beautiful and memorable...especially my JC years ;)... thank u for sending me beautiful frens who felt my going thus making it possible to blog my last words and perhaps, my last blog entry... and special thanks to ppl like hock for trying hard to scan his mindmaps for me so tt i can study. And thank yu all for being there for me when i needed u the most and for listening to my craps and all. Kim.... for giving me tt warning abt the ISD spotchecks. So sad to find have found out tt u sayang me when i'm abt to go..

And sorry grandma for not giving u the chance to carry my grandchildren in ur arms. Sorry mama for telling u not to buy me any more stuffs.(oh btw, just now she wanted to buy me tshirt but was afraid i didnt like it)... sorry mama... i'm 18...well, if i make it till tt day tt is....and i realise tt our taste clash... sorry dad for not having made use of the 17 years given to me to hav a decent conversation for a decent length of time w u.... sorry to my sis for having chased u out of my room all the time and for occassionally shouting at u for not sticking to the "five more minutes" u promised. And to the sayang i love less, sorry ok? To the sayang i love more, sorry oso...haha....

And forgive me if i missed out on anyone in my parting words..... i love u all! Muaks!"

Anw,Now tt i touched chem.... chem paper this morning was sadening also.

U noe i told u guys that i began to literally write entries in an old book of mine. I wrote 3 pages of stuffs in tt book and its only the 2nd day. WEll.... i wrote a couple of paragraphs during chem.

"Time passes by ever so slowly during chem papers. I'm the only one I know that hav 'finished' the paper and hav just woken up from a 20mins nap. Tt fella who droppedhis calculator damn basket. I flipped thru my chem paper several times, read thru questions after questions. Those tt i hv a fair bit of knowledge of had already been attempted. THe rest(like ard more than half the paper) empty. People like Yinlu in front of me still busy writing, frantically looking at the wall clock.

'five more minutes", said Mr dunno who. Mann...... i really never experienced rushing thru chemistry papers. I seem to be the only one tt finishes first and spends the last 45 mins or so wondering-- wondering what it'll be like if i noe my stuffs. Whether or not i'll be able to complete the paper in 2 3/4 hrs. Btw, Yinlu's still writing. I'm writing too....but writing nthg tt'll get me marks. Well....1 more minute.. Better stop writing now. I don't want to be told to end this piece just like dat.... -lousy- "

YEs, i slept during chem. And NO i m not proud of it. I actually feel ashamed writing all this down. But if i were to ever be successful in future, my entries would sure be damn interesting to read. Can make into an autobiography. haha... IF and only IF, i were to be successful... If not, looking back, i'd see tt my life has been nthg but a total failure...

Wow...quite a long entry...Nizar would be scrolling down the window to see if his name appear some more.


Write abt sthg strange at home. Weird story. And i hv a GREAT reason for this phenomena.

Was sitting at the dining table thinking-- while watching tv. Then Grandma came out of her room complaining to me abt sthg. I wonder wat the commotion was about.

She asked me wat it was, handing over some sealed aluminium package the size of ur palm. I felt wat was inside and told her must be her medicine. Then i opened and indeed it was medicine. Then she showed me an empty plastic.... those plastic thingys tt got a sticker on it telling u ur name, the medicine name and how many tablets u shuld take....yada yada yada....

And she said that the medicine inside had disappeared. There's suppose to be a whole stack of them! She finished one "piece(u noe, one piece of metal got ard 10 pills)" and this morning....the other pieces were gone. And she saw tt small package. She claimed not to have seen it before and wonders where it came from and where the other pills go to.

Hmm.... cant be that the pills that were inside the plastic crept out in the middle of the night and hide and sealed themselves tight in an aluminium package. WHY in the blue world would pills want to do that? Its just ILLOGICAL!

so i told my grandma.... SOMEONE mustve hav known tt the pills she was eating contained sthg bad and decided to replace the 'dirty' pills for a fresh new ones-- sealed in an aluminum package as though it came direct frm the factory. Grandma asked me, why tt SOMEONE didnt evn hv the basic courtesy of telling her that HE OR SHE had replaced the pills. Then, I told her tt if tt SOMEONE did tell her, she might go into a state of shock. She said she wun. And she says that she WONT eat the new pills unless that SOMEONE tell her why HE OR SHE changed the pills. Scary....if really this SOMEONE exist...

Well...another thing is, she had this plastics of medicine in a small polyclinic plastic bag and I WAS THE ONE who took out all the medicine, laid them out on the table, and told her when to eat what and how many to eat. AND I DIDNT see the aluminium package(which contains the same pills as those tt were missing). ANd i KNOW tt the bunch of those 'missing/replaced' pills existed. Cant be tt Grandma threw aways those bunch of pills coz she hates eating them. Then where did the replaced pills come from? And why would she want to throw those bunch of pills knowing tt theres still a couple more pills tt she needs to consume? We could all be seeing things though.... but... i really doubt so..

Which makes my case stronger. There must be a SOMEONE behind it.

anw, i told my sayang bro tt the SOMEONE who's been playing with him must've played a prank on grandma. Hah.... might as well share this story also...

My sayang bro(who hates me calling him sayang) hasnt been to skool since monday coz he's been having fever. But strangely, his fever on and off one. Like now he's ok but at night and before skool, his temp will reach 39.7 kind of temp. Damn hot. i told him.... its becoz there's a SOMEONE who wants him to stay at home with HIM OR HER.... tts why at night and before skool only the fever come. LOL!

the great ali has weird theories. But how do u expl all tis sia? haha.... u noe wat, i didnt believe in all this stuffs. When mum talked abt all tis stuffs last time, i'll give scientific theories. But now tt SCIENCE aint no longer my forte, i'm resorting to the NATURAL sciences.... God's world.... where there's angels and devils and where only He will know what we do not know...

scary happenings...hope tt this SOMEONE dun start fooling ard wif me. Does things like SOMEONE, HE and HER really exist? I wonder.... =)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


Laughed all e way thru maths paper. I kept laughing coz i cant believe there's not even ONE question that i can complete correctly. The only question that i THOUGHT i cfm get the marks was question 1(partial fraction)-- only to find out later that i didnt do long division coz the fraction's improper. -lousy-

yup.... told my mama that this was the MOST hardEST paper i ever sat for. Simple looking integration and differentiation all cannot do sia! die..... but, the funny thing was, i was smiling and laughing thru out the 3 hrs. Smiling and laughing at my inability to do anything properly.

WEnta canteen to eat. I only eat. Laughed from 1100 till ard 12. Den wenta mac, they eat. I eat ice cream and fries. Thanks nizar. heh... and laughed till 230. man... jokes after jokes.... and talked abt wat we wanna do in U... wat we wanna be when we grow up.... who's going to get married first.... funny...

Yea....was still in disbelief that i cant do my maths lah! Tt even though i haven did chem, i decide to spend quality time wif them. Now i noe why they want me to spend time with them sia.... so they have sthg to laugh at! lol..... heh...

anw, we had a debate on qn 10.

"Before dinner, the 8 ppl were introduced to each other. Wat is e total no. of handshakes if each person,excluding Doris, shakes hands just once with everyone else?"

And i was like.....??? I tot Doris was there at the table also and she also shook hands with the 8 ppl. Coz i see it as each person shakes hands once but Doris shook hands more than once.

But if i see it like this, then the answer would be infinity coz technically, Doris could shake hands as many times as she wants, which aint logical. But really, reading the question on its own, "each person,excluding Doris" means all except Doris.... and all except Doris means all shook hands once except Doris. This doesnt translate to counting all except Doris's handshakes. blur...haha....looks like my GP also fail. Nevertheless....i wrote some crappy answer and its still wrong lah. -lousy-

hmm....mama's getting worried. Can see liao..... haha.... but she's not showing it yet. Better do chem now. -OUT-

-IN- oh btw, started logging down what i do on an hourly basis in my silver notebook.... To see how's my life like during exam periods like this and so tt i can make adjustments to it to prepare for my As..... yea.... i've become the -nothing better to do- fella. But i really think it helps.

Oh one more thing. This thurs Physics test. I forgot tt they'd change the paper 3 to Paper 1,2. Waah..... kind of caught me by surprise... but not tt i was prepared for either papers. They say i skipped lecture but I DID NOT LAH! haha... looked thru my blue file. And not surprisingly, i got 4 exam time table inside. And i only edited one of it. Haha.... the one that i took out and stick on my study table wasnt tt edited one. So yeah, I DID NOT PON LECTURE! The probability of me picking the edited timetable was 0.2 lah! And the probabilty of me remembering this sort of insignificant thing is ard 0.05. haha.... yea.... anw, u may wonder why the five timetables. I class leader go extras i keep. *oooooh* Haha. Just wanted to make sure tt i maintain my 100% attendance for lectures and tt i indeed heard the teacher told us to make the nesc ammendments and that i DID make the nesc ammendments. See....i wasnt sleeping. =)

yups....ppl like shak they all got 5 day break seh...power..... bye=)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Bloggers charged for making racist remark

Well first time the thing i saw on the news really affected me. Made me edit the race of the neighbour out of my previous post. Well, tt basket is still a basket in my book sia. Hmm.... i typed the word bomb there, will i be charged for that?

racist remark = ?

So many laws.... how to learn all before u kena caught for doing something u dun even noe is wrong? .... haha....freedom of speech is what makes blogging unique. If not, it simply makes an entry no different from a gp essay.

-Be more aware of what U write-


Strangely,for the first time, i don't feel the urge to blog. Normally, there's always stuffs in my head to blog about but there's none this morning. No paper today so can wake up late. Hmm.... better do some work...

Oh, ya.... went to religious class yesterday. Waah! That neighbour super duper b*****! Everytime we got religious class, they'll blast their radio. Confirm it's on purpose! Then after like ard 15 minutes, they'll off it-- my guess being even they cant stand that kind of volume. Wow.... cant believe such things do happen in Singapore. Well, my teacher doesnt complains lah.

We'll just pray that in time, that neighbour will slowly go deaf, apologise and see how good-hearted those kids in there are. Man..... i was suggesting to my friends.... "let's bomb that house tmr"... (i was k/d when i said tt)

Monday, September 12, 2005

sob sob day....

To think that someone actually thought it wont be that bad. That he won't feel so sad about being left so far behind.. That he'll take things slowly....

Panic. Panic struck. NOt really panic lah. Just felt a strange sort of feelling that suddenly made me feel down and depressed. Haiz.....

Nothing's wrong with me...., I think. I'm ok.., I think. Well dun u guys worry abt me. heh.... i SHOULD be fine. If u guys dun see me week in and week out in skool, haha..... u can start writing me letters to cheer me up =P But nah, i dun think it's easy for me to sink into depressioon. Well, at least i hope it's so.

TO all: All e best for the exammms. If u happen to not do well this time round, there's always the bigger exams ahead for u to work towards. If u dun do well then, dun despair.... there's bound to be doors open to u. Just dun quit studying....

haiz.... sounds like no one needs the above piece of advice except me.

There's bound to be a day when one simply doesnt feel like doing anything except cryinnnnng. May not be literally crying.... but yeeea...... Well that day was today. Felt liek a complete loser. Cant believe tt i can be high and one moment and down the very next day. -weird-

well tmr's a new day. =)

September 11. Again, the americans were spared by terrorists.Maybe next year. But dennagain, they weren't spared by God..

sunday morning rain's not falling...

haiz...... woke up late... abt 10... and i think i vented my anger at myself at my grandma.... but later "apologised" by making it seem as though i was joking and started being my usual self around her. Man.... -suck-

Was reading Wendy Cheng's column in today's Newpaper and she talked about writing and writers and how writing used to be "a rather elitist" activity and tt to earn the tag of a "writer" is not easy as at the very least, u are expected to have perfect grammer and a sizable vocabulary. cool..... which is why i dun call myself a writer.... fortunately.

Otherwise, i'll be making a fool of myself coz grammer mistakes and spelling errors and primary school vocabs are littered all over!

Well....... i personally feel that life has not been "normal" this past few days. Mama kept reminding me what to do and what not to do, grandma complaining about my sis, making my bros understand algebra.... making myself sit and mug...sien...

And oh, grandma asked me why i do not wear colorful clothes like my sister -- yellow, red, green and orange...coz my whole wardrobe consist of blue, blacks and white.. and i told her i dun go out to buy any.... and joked tt if she gave me money, i'd go out grab myself a couple....(ya rite, even if i had the money, i would be too darn lazy to step out of my house).... heh... and ytd, me and grandma was alone at home and she asked me if i really wanted to get those colrful shirts... haha.... sweet....! Well, i told her i was really kiddin wif her and she gave me tt.... "haha... my grandson!" face and went back to her room... haiz.... Never shuld i be rude to her again man.... ever...

-this growing up thing is really getting into my head- and its NOT GOOD AT ALL!!

Emptiness....boredom....slacked.....mood swings....

Sunday, September 11, 2005

lead himself to his own downfall

he see himself spiralling downwards and finding it hard to recover.

For after 3 long weeks, he gave in. Man......this sucks.....

Aint as strong-willed as he thought he was....

Aint the right time for it to happen too.... argh! -dumb-

Liek the past, it'll be a down down down for him and he'll struggle to get back on track....

Hate this situation tt i'm in rite now.i had led myself to my own downfall. I'm the only one who can try to bounce back. Man..... this has happened one too many times..... sadded and disappointed.....

& Dont ask me why the third person style of writing.


Blue walls and a blue door are what isolates me from the rest of the world.Sitting on the uncomfy chair...staring at the corner blue wall.... -thinking-

I got maths and physics and chem. If i do maths, i'll be neglecting physics and chem-- which has ben the case. BUt if i do physics or chem, i still hv stats and other parts of maths that i hv yet to cover.Hmm... lets say i do physics or chem. Where do i begin? Hmm.... paper 3 next week. Lemme take a look at the format of paper 3. -checking it out-

::Anderson Junior College Preliminary Examination 2004::
Chemistry Paper 3.... hmmm..10 questions in total....section A-D .... the paper's upon 100. Wow..... hard....

::A level Noverber 2004 Paper::
Physics........And oddly, there's a paper 4. But we only taking Paper 1-3 for prelims. I wonder, what'll paper 3 look like for the prelims. Hmmm....flipping thru the pages of the same paper, i realise that the paper consists of Paper 1, 2 and 4. Hence, this writer presumes that Paper 3 in the prelims is equivalent to paper 4 in the As.

Physics paper 3 analysis: Section A is a "choose 4 out of 6 questions" section.4x20marks. Section B is a no option "option topic section". Meaning Physics of Fluids. 4 Qns. 30 marks.

End of thinking process
Now that i noe roughly how the papers i'll be sitting for next week will look like. I have to make a choice now. Physics or chem. I know fairly abt both subjects,sadly. BUt i noe chem is the subject i'm weaker in. I guess from here till tonite, it'll be chem!

Btw, i cant believe i blogged my thoughts out. Haiz.... bored... rainy day... gloomy day.... i aint wanna a miserable day.

The blue walls and the blue door isolates me from the rest of the outside world. And it'll continue to be this way... till i paint my walls purple in the near future.... heh....

Saturday Morning Headache

yea...headache.... and nausea.... wahlao! Feel like vomiting lah teaching my bros algebra. Even the elder one(my darling) feels like vomiting.

7p-2p+5-6+9p x 6 -15p =?

Haha.... i read to them the questions also feel like vomiting. the Ps and the Xs and the Ys and the Us.... many variables sia.



haha.... headache for them.... headache for me to get this into their heads. THREE WEEKS!!!!

anw.... first time in a long time, sis got into dad's bad book. Heh.... her life will be like New Orleans the next few days...... miserable...

whatever u do..... never get into dad's book. Haha....tsk tsk tsk... someone simply doesnt learn from mistakes. -dumb-

well.....3 hours of amateur mathematics. Now it's time for the Professional kind of maths. -catastrophe-

been a preety long time since i smelled physics and chemistry. In other words, i'm a gonner. But well, tough luck. Aint gonna give up, gonna kp pushing for my As. Hah! A guy wif big dreams huh? Yea.....

i told mama a couple of days back. WE're on our way to Bedok on 854.... we passed Castle Green and i told her... "Give me 10years, and we'll be staying here." Haha... she said...hmm.....63 years old, shuld be standing strong still... haha... A couple of metres later, i told her, ".... if i pass my As that is. If not, i doubt tt we'll be living there even if she gives me 20 more years.."

To which she replied, " Study hard..."

Well..... SIXTY DAYS....EIGHT WEEKS....TWO MONTHS.... if u do something about it, and u do it quick, u'll get what u want..... (provided God wills it)


Saturday, September 10, 2005


First we had Katrina... now, weather experts predicts the coming of Ophelia. How cool is that! Typhoons in Japan and Spain and US..... wicked!

Friday nights will be boring without the likes of Clark and Chloe and Lex to entertain me. The last episode ended with Clark being stranded in some snowy place and i saw the 3 most irritating words -- "To Be Continued.."

Well, anw, the news seems much more fun now. Its like watching The Day after Tomorrow though i still haben watch it yet! And everytime can see Bush with his worried look addressing the media. tsk tsk tsk.... see lah.... problem in other ppl's country he wants to interfere.. problems at home like take forever to solve.

Woah.... After Katrina there's Ophelia then after that wat? The next September 11?

Dun mind me sounding evil and all that. Coz most of the time i'm not. Just that my eye is so itchy and my hair is so sucky rite now tt i feel sucky too. Coupled wif some other stuffs as well lah....

Talking abt evil, i dreamt that i wanted to be bad.... maybe becoz of what i wrote in recent entries.... The words i wrote subconciously made me want to break free from the goody-goody world i live in and it sort of translates into pictures in my dream.... cool huh....

well, i really cant wait to see whether Hurricane Ophelia(sweet name btw) will continue to head harmlessly towards the sea or make a loop and head towards Florida. America has done alot of bad all ard the world and i guess it's time for her to pay! Muahahahaha...

Friday, September 9, 2005



...words playing in my head and i simply feel like writing them down...

...sometimes i wonder why i write the way i write. I really do....

...sometimes i wonder why i behave the way i behave. I really do...

Its like when u look back at stuffs, it really makes u wonder. And when the emotionless-thinking-ME looks back at stuffs, i feel.... wierd....lousy...dumb..


....the writer had discovered tt it could be used against him...

..which is why, at the end of every entry...the writer asks u guys to guess at what time did the he published tt entry.... He noes tt TIME is a dangerous element.... which can and will be used against him...

In a dilemma.... i'm sitting in front of the com, right leg over my left, a pillow on my lap.... head on my pillow... -thinkin-

BANG! a tennis ball just fell from somewhere on top of the study table. THis writer really really wonders from where it came from. I do hav tennis balls and the box which i tot the ball mustve dropped out off is on the table! I keep the balls in tt box. Early today,i took out 2 balls out of the box. Left one ball in the box. And i tot i put the box on the 3rd shelf. But it ended on the table--empty. Man...... i really really wonder where it dropped off from! It fell with a loud thud.... but why must it drop now? Sudden change in the air pressure in my room?

ArgH! i'm blogging....i'm thinking...i'm scared.... but i'm trying not to be....the more i type, the more my fingers tremble...... i'm scared..... midnight.... my bros sleeping liaos...i better sleep too! ..... woah.... scary.... and ppl...i'm not making this up.

U noe, last time, in my room.... grandma was praying and a 20cent coin fell from somewhere upstairs. Shes in the room alone.... can't be God can it.... weird... Hey.... the more i type, the more scared i feel. The more times i say my prayers ..... the more i type coz the less scared i become and the cycle goes on...

-i'm off!-

iron grip

Just dunnoe wat to say.

mama vs chinese
I do this. I do that. I listen to this. I listen to tt. Not once in a while, but all 17 years of my life. Yet, i cant seem to please her enough. Why must i be controlled in every aspect of my life? Even what i listen to she needs to hv a say...

Chinese songs in my com. Not alot. Only a few. Then my bros go and tell mama i listen to chinese songs. Den mama gave me the disapproving face. Den they tell her again i listen to chinese songs. Den mama asked me in a disapproving voice why i listen to such songs..... its CHINESE... not tt she anti-chinese lah. haha...almost all our neighbours chinese... like duh! BUt she gave me the face she gave me when i was watching "Turn left Turn right" lah! Go see tt entry...

Sien... den she added... why.... got chinese gf izit.... Den my bros added i wanted to marry a chinese.... dumb bros... they noe nothing....Den my mama added sthg like a dun marry a chinese....

-_-?? Who wants to marry a chinese...? Who??? ME??? REally?? crazy.... am i lying? Of coz not. Cmon...

I told her tt in skool, my frens are chinese lah. The people i hang ard wif are mostly chinese. I'm the only malay guy in class. I hang out wif Hock almost every other time..... And at other time.... wif other chinese frens of mine.... there's malays also, but most of the time wif the chinese....or alone.She doesnt noe that does she? Well, HOCK! ur fault lah! haha... nxt time dun lemme listen to ur mp3 player k?

Me and sis and sms
Anw, on a more funnier note, being a kaypo, i read the sms my sis sent to my cuz whos here at my house. We're suppose to go out and she doesnt want to. So she's staying in skool till we left. Or tts wat she planned.

Her sms was... "Have they left?" haha... wanted to reply but i dunnoe how! SO i gv the phone to my cuz, who under my order told her tt we've left. Heh.... Den in a few seconds, she i replied in a minute or two... den she replied in a sec or two...WOW... damn fast lah! haha... yea... basket... well...

i'm not a member of the new gen...
my aunties are at my house now to visit my grandma.... and they say tt i'm lousy for not knowing how to reply an sms coz i'm part of the "new generation". To which i replied, i'm not part of the new generation. I'm part of their generation-- my mum's generation. I told them tt mama had dragged me so close to her tt i feel like i'm born in the 50s. Which explains my values and all... Man.... blogging quite cool. The stuffs i type here i'll tend to use in conversation with mama and grandma and now my aunties. The budding writer has now entered reality. I'm becoming more vocal....

To end.... i still must add my displeasure being controlled by mama. Cmon... whats the diff between listening to taufik or justin or christina and listening to Jay or sly or fir???

Oh cmon...... till how long can i stand this iron grip? Not long i guess.... Choice, fate, destiny....?

I cant make much choice. That's for sure. Fate and destiny? It's GOd's plan. Tt's for sure. As far as i'm concerned, everything is planned by God. So whoever i marry wun depend on mama...... if God doesnt wills for it to happen, he'll make mama say sthg to me and it wun happen. But if two ppl were meant to be, then God will have made plans to make sure it'll happen.... far as i noe, this entry isnt abt me not knowing how to sms or who i wanna marry....

This entry is abt a writer who doesnt like the iron grip ard him.

the writer's code

it has been a while since i blogged- more than a quarter of a day. Not a gd thing huh? But it's my life.... where others like my sis go out and watch movie... i sit at home, do abit of work and blog. Where others go out study at Macs and spend more time eating than studying, i sit at home and do gardening and work and blog. Haha... so not much diff...

A psychologist tagged saying he(or she) gives up trying to decipher my blog, it left me wondering-- is there really sthg behind my blog? haha.... Clue: THERE IS!! haha... see...lousy ppl like me litter clues all over the place though i cant be THIS obvious all the time,can i? Haha....

Ohya, talking abt movies, my bros and my sis wenta watch HERBIE at the cinemas wif their cousin.... boohoohoo.... i was left out coz i'm over the age limit. Haha... coz ppl my age are supposed to be able to come out with my own pocket money and pay for my own ticket.Coz my cousin only treat the small children lah! but dunnoe leh... got my sis and the other cousin who's 16lah! And i'm only 17 lor! haha... anws, not jealous abt it lah.Haha.... grandma asked me afterwards if i'm not going to watch any movies later. Haha...i told her if she pay, i'd love to watch any movie wif her. Lol!

Sometimes i really wish i could spend time alone with my grandma. Go bring her out and eat some place grand. Walk ard the beautiful places in Singapore. Show her the Singapore tt both of us have never seen(LOL). Man... the woman of my life. Hey u, i cant believe i forgot abt this special woman lah! shes very(x80+) special to me yet i forgot all abt her!!!!

Sorry grandma!! To think i told the world tt mama's the most special woman in the world!

haha... yea.. i was seven.... maybe not 7...maybe younger. Grandma was the one who kept reminding me to pray every single day. And everytime after i pray, i'll say in my prayer to God to make sure tt my Grandma lives to see me and my children. haa.... yea...i was 7! haha...

lately, ive been kind of rude to grandma--Though it wasnt shown outwardly. And everytime i looked back at the way i reacted to her inside, i feel disappointed lah. Coz I noe she's tt very(x80+) special woman.... tt i do NOT want to part wif....yet sometimes,she's just... i dunnoe...

I guess its the age factor. But it isn't tt apparent yet. No matter wat, i'll always pray tt she wun suffer the "age disease"-- the "disease" tt the aged suffer once they past a certain age, when they forget everyone, they forget the basics of life... and they become like a newborn child....

I hope God noes how much i love her and tt as much as i still want her to be ard to see my children, i do not want her to suffer tt "age disease".

Hmm.... yet another entry wif no end in mind.

I love u.....

..u as in "you"..not u...


forever will....

Lemme repeat...i love u grandma....forever will... =P

Thursday, September 8, 2005


heh..not wat u tink...

Green thumb
spent 2 hours under the hot sun out in the "garden" we hv in front of my house helping my grandma. Haha... quite a tiring task. No wonder mama didnt let her do all those stuffs. Merely transferring a plant into a bigger vase was super dooper tiring. My arm muscles super weak... heh...(oops...i lied when i said it was quite tiring...)

And my grandma still wanted to continue lah! Haha.... i told her its almost noon and tt she better rest... =) [ps: i was doing almost all the work lah..haha]

One thing i hate abt gardening was the worms. Yuck! And i think i may hv killed all the green plants we hv by putting in a bit too much fertiliser....haha... those chemical fertilisers. haha.... hope not.. and mama said nxt time got those agricultural show on tv i must go watch. Haha.... yea...

did maths. sleep. Religious class.

Patience and faith and green
Patience and faith are the two things tt'll make one successful. And we learnt tt though we see many disbelievers out there being successful, we have to remember that there are two kinds of successes -- one given to all due to mere sympathy and the other is like a gift. Obviously, the first one is the one which we do not want... coz everyone gets it mah! We want the second one... which can only be obtained with patience and faith.

Actually, it's kind of sad to noe wat'll happen to the ppl u noe after death when at the end of time, everyone will rise and go to two seperate ways.... it's sad to noe what'll happen to them yet, there's hardly much u can do abt it...

anw, thre's this other thing tt caught my attn which i think i'll never forget.

The ustaz mentioned that in heaven, everyone will be wearing clothes.uhuh... And the color of the clothes is green.

Green. haha.

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

The midnight vow..

...this writer vows to blog ONLY at most twice a day...

.....and to go online ONLY in the morning and at night...(unless he nds help wif work)

...if this writer goes against this pledge, someone will be sent from above to hack into this blog of his and remove it from the face of this virtual world....

~but this doesnt mean tt blogging takes too much of his time. Like he said on his tag, he can't really focus for long periods of time-- and the com,not the blog, seems to be one of many contributing factors ~


Why do we cherish the people we love
Only after we lose them?

Do i really love Sly?

I guess we'll never noe....

Watching Shooting Stars confirmed my theory-- tt it is always easier to write down the things u want to say to someone than to to tell it face to face. Maybe one simply lacked the strength to talk the talk one never talked about before(haha... the new phrase i just added into the orange space above)

Dawn wanted to tell Sly lots of things when they were together, but she can't. She says she's "not strong enuff" she wrote wat she wanted to tell Sly on a piece of paper and passed it to him.... yea... almost my style....


to put it in simpler words, i guess ppl who find writing easier than talking are just cowards. They are afraid of how others react to the things they say. They are afraid they might look dumb in front of others and so on...

...hmph! ....writers..... lousy....

haha..! And crazy.... for shooting his own self down like dat.

well.... in case u don't know, ....

....SOME ppl are just born afraid of everything. =)

But i guess, i could see me being in this "lousy" state as one of those things tt makes me special.....=)


again...not abt yada yada yada.... but abt a couple of websites i came across... was during gp lesson in the com lab when i came across this website Dun ask me why i wasnt reading the articles we're supposed to read. Anw, I've been to this site before and if i recall correctly, the creator of the site was a christian and tt he was shooting down wat Muslims claim and everything he wrote seem to make Christianity the truer religion. But now, it seems as though the creator of the site's a muslim and he is arguing against Christians claims.

...well.... hopping from websites to websites....i discovered another website..... www.answering-islam.ORG is the one against Islam. Cant believe .com and .org makes a huge deal of difference. So i guess, there's two sites created to shoot each other's argument. Then there's also (Islam's answers to trinitarian beliefs). I wenta see if theres a .org version or not. I'm afraid there isnt. Maybe, just maybe, they cant give clear answers to curious members of the human race like me.[Note: I repeat tt this is just the theory created by a seventeen year old kid]

Looking at wat each sides has to offer.... i have to admit tt both sides put across their arguments rather chilidishly! They shoot and shoot like nobody's business and at the end of the day, one will still hv no clue as to which of these two monotheistic religions is the right one. The assertions they make seem to be overly biased towards the religion which they're trying to uphold..... unjustified claims.... too little citations....text reference... and so on... in other words, they cant really sway anyone to any side.

....."Haha.... must talk abit of religion on my blog also since after seing the entry titled "Tong Hua", Nizar expressed his worry -- he's afraid I'm becoming a buddhist... haha.... (lil connection b/w the song and buddhism though)... but ... he has his reasons to worry...He's lagi afraid i'll soon post christian songs on tis site lah! Haha... crazy..... to which i replied, the day u see me post christian songswill be the day u ppl shuld come down to my place and shoot me. Haha.. "....

Yea... back to the point, aint gonna talk abt religion too much here. Ppl of different racial and religious background come to my blog everyday,i think... the day i start talking abt religion will be the day tt only i will be the one reading wat i write. Haaha.... which makes blogging less fun to some extent.....

So anws, realised tt the spotlight nowadays hv been on Christianity vs Islam. So i wenta google up some stuffs and came across some interesting stuffs.

Generally, i see tt most "Christianity vs Islam" websites are generally created by muslims. ANd they tend to support the Muslim cause. One reason to expl this phenomena is tt i simply clicked a few out of thousands of searches. So my sample is too too small. Another reason could very well be that Christians aren't bothered to set up such sites becoz they have a huge legion of followers and tt they arent too concern abt challenging the claims made on such websites. Another possible theory could also very well be that Christians noe before hand that they can never win the battle of "Christianity vs Islam". But do keep in mind that these are mere theories of a seventeen-year-old who had just embarked on a journey to discover the Books.

Liek someone once said, "actually they're quite the same yet very different....if only people could see the similarities, then maybe the world will haf less wars ... oh well...... but that's just the way it is ..."

I really wish i noe everything in depth. u noe... a strong little girl once said, "
i really wan more people to go to heaven on judgement day." So does everyone else who believes in heaven and hell i guess. And tis includes me. But its not possible if even i cant even answer Kim's qns convincingly. I really wish there's time for me to pursue this as well as academics. But like everyone else noes, there arent enuff time for us to do anything rite now besides to study for the As. But yea, everyone has 24hours to do stuffs everyday. I'm sure i can do both if i make use of my 24hrs very wisely.

Hmmm... am thinking and thinking.... shuld i or shuld i not. I think i better not. This battle between the two major religions of the world have been goin on for thousands of years. Me posting stuffs up here will definitely lead to more questions instead of answers. Haha... but here's some interesting sites i came across..
~Theres a section on the above website which deals with numerous questions wif regards to both religions.Take time to discover this site. Navigate thru windows via the left hand margin under the heading "Discover Islam"
~Some interesting articles u might want to read

~the website which i seem to like most...

Anw, the authors of all the above sites write their stuffs in a manner which do not seem overly violent or childish like e initial 2 sites i mentioned in earlier paragraphs. The way their point and arguements develop is most of the time clear. Well.... though i may seem a lil biased here.... well, its hard not to believe the truth behind what is mentioned unless there are any experts among u tt can show tt i m on the wrong side of the battle.

WEll.... haha.... interesting stuffs to think abt, esp since it concerns everyone and their future. Kim noes wat i'm tokin abt. Haha.... well.... i learnt a couple of things today also which i dun seem to recall having learnt,

"And insult not those whom they (disbelievers) worship besides God, lest they insult God wrongfully without knowledge. Thus We have made fair-seeming to each people its own doings; then to their Lord is their return and He shall then inform them of all that they used to do" (Quran, 6:108).

"Do not argue with the People of the Book unless it is in the politest manner, except for those of them who do wrong. Say: 'We believe in what has been sent down to us and what has been sent down to you. Our God and your God is [the same] One, and we are Muslims before Him'" (Quran, 29:46).

Ahaha...back to serious academic making lots of progress..=)

Btw, Hope i didnt offend anyone. Do tag any suggestions or thoughts regarding this post. The least one can do is to say, "I hate it if u tok abt religion on ur blog. One more time u tok abt religion, i'll boycot ur blog!" LOL!!


Oh, and nizar.... dun worry.... i'll take good care of myself.... Whether i publish lyrics of songs by Guang Liang or Sly or Jay or SHE.... i'll always remember my roots. Or at least i noe i 'll always pray that He will protect me from being too influenced.