Saturday, December 31, 2005


.... was my second last day at work. Was hoping it'll be a fairly slacked day but no.... had alot of stuffs to carry! Tiring seh. Cant wait for nxt wk - just the 3 day break. heh.

WEnta the bbq organised by mendaki. Wah veri little ppl seh. Not like last yr. Anws, ok lah.... i dun expect much coz so far.... i tink ive been to 3 or 4 bbqs in like my entire life so, yah.... cant tell wats ok and wats not ok. Went home alone - just the way i like it to be. HAHA. Dad told me to go to Bedok interchange then take 854 to yishun then take 859 back home. And tt was wat i did. Fast ride home. SLept abit too. This is the second time im out of home sooo late at nite. 1130 late rite? haha.

Last yr, I was worried abt reaching home late. i took a cab home coz i was afraid of things. haha. silly me. And last yr, it was earlier lah. Tonite, i can still skip my way home lah! Haha.... like a brave soldier. lol. okok... soldiers dun skip. yea.

On the bus ride home, i was thinkin abt just one thing....

....and i shall leave it as tt. Gonna sum up my year tmr. Gonna get some slp now. nite.

Friday, December 30, 2005

.......ytd i see, now i dun......

...for how long more?

-just a lil sthg to show tt i was here on 29/12/05-

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


holidays which falls on a sunday may sound fun when im a student. But as a courier, it means a whole truckload full of stuffs to deliver. Finished work at 2 today. And that's just the morning cycle. (fyi, we usually end the morning cycle earliest 12 latest 1245) And by the time we went to the canteen to eat, there's no more food to eat. Basket. Then 1430 must start the afternoon cycle. Ended at almost 7 and boy was i freakin hungry and sleepy. Haha.... but the hunger i felt today reminded me of the times i spent staying back after skool. The times i stayed on to do stuffs even though there's no food ard. okok... there's the smelly cake shop behind but..yea...smelly so i dun eat. ok, im beginnng 2 digress.

Just watched gotcha and seems like the corridor outside Paradiz seem to be the place most of their stunts were filmed. And i was like.... what if i was there with my frens in my school uniform just after a session of pool. Haha... mama will be like wat are u doing there? And... u never told me u went to town? And blah blah blah..... Haha... but frens nvm lah. But if wif gf.... deaded sia. Well the latter wun pose much of a problem just yet. But u get wat i mean. Next wk episode gt this gag where they put a plastic lizard on unsuspecting passerbys shoulders and see their rxns and wat not. Tt would be the ultimate stunt lah! Shant bother u wif possible scenarios coz it wun be tt interesting lah. Oh's just a plastic lizard. Haha.... shit...shouldnt hv said tt.

Anws, mama hav always told us tt we can choose to lie to her abt our whereabouts and said tt she wun always noe if we're telling the truth or not. But she always tell us to kp in mind tt god is great and tt anything can happen out there. Like what if u told u mama u goin libry but u went to town to play pool. Skali ur face come out on Gotcha.... haha.... busted! But her favourites seem to be the scenario whereby an accident happen to u outside and if u die, then it'll be a diff story. But if u dun die, then how will u face ur mama knowing tt u lie abt ur whereabouts earlier tt day. Haha... for me, telling the truth may not get me places. Which is probably why i dun go places. Haha...

k tts abt it. next saturday seems like oh so soon lah. SUddenly feel like having a feel of the pool. The swimming pool i mean. I duwan to go army and jump into the pool for the first time in... in.... in... the last time i actually swam was in sec 2 during swimming class. After i got the cert(the lower level one), it entitled me to the swimmng badge for NCC. But eversince tt "graduation", i never swam. Haha....

will i swim at least once in the coming days? I wanted a hp but seems as though tt "want" wun be a reality just yet. I wanted to at least watch a movie outside but tt hadnt become a reality too. i wanted to run.... get my form back... but tis too never actually materialised.

haiz....... and i just realised my portfolio's in my locker. And my olevel cert happend to be in there. Dumb me for just realising it. Hope tt the councillors are kind enuff to not throw a folder full of someone's useless certs inside. Or better still, hope they missed my lockers. Haha... Oh ya, tis reminds me, ive been wanting to go back to skool to clear my lockers but again, never happend.


Tuesday, December 27, 2005

..... aint tt ok yet....

"......... the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided." (Exodus 14:21)

"And remember We divided the sea for you and saved you and drowned Pharaoh's people within your very sight." (Quran 2:50)

well past revelations hav shown tt water can be split into two.

Was watching the CNA tsunami special the Island of a thousand mosque. Abt how several mosques down there never kena flattened and all tt. Of coz theres the engineering explainations and stuffs like tt lah. But theres this account by tis fella which says tt he saw the waves split into 2 as it approaches the mosque. So wats my point? People make silly remarks when under psychological trauma.

NOT. My point is, the past and the present shows tt the unthinkable can happen. And can u notice the diff b/w the first and second quote? The vivid description of the former and the lack of it in the latter.

When was the compass first invented? I'm not sure. Shall google it out tmr. So north south EAST west which is the best?

sleepy.nites.pardon my tone.

Monday, December 26, 2005

monday night...

tsunami occured today. today last year. any significance to u? most likely not. yes u say? Big liar.

Tonite's the second nite i dun feel like i wanna kp blogging. I hear ppl when i read their blog. I hear them talk when i read their blogs. Blogs like Nizar's or Adib's or Suliyati's among others. But when i read my own blog, i dun hear myself. Not the exterior me tt is. Hv anyone ever hear me talk the talk i talk in my blog? Maybe theres one. Maybe theres two. Maybe.

ok maybe ive been spending more time alone than wif ppl. Than wif ppl who calls me Ali. 18 years.... though i may think its possible to "change"... tonite's one of those nites im feeling the impossibility. MSN and blogging do take me places -- places like ur chalets, ur bbqs, beach rd, trngs ... and the likes. But im still in my own home, my own room and this kindof sucks. Well the s word dun normally appear does it? But hu cares tonite? ive been blogging preety oddly this past few days so lets make today yet another day.

ok i shall not lie to myself. It's the emptiness. The absence. These 2 words explain the way i blogged this past few days.


The Practice

Seems like it's more of what men said than wat the man really said. More of traditions than tt of revelations.

Sunday, December 25, 2005


first time since quite some time tt i dun feel like writing anymore. (of coz it wun happen but ya..) Never had an entry which i had troubles deciding whether to post or not to post. ANd also, it's impossible to write everything tt im thinkin abt coz tts sooo suicidal. okok.... problem found. My mind's abit the not straight right now and i think i should start relaxing and stop thinking too much. Stop blogging for a while? yup... if my mood carries on like this... id most likely not write for e time being.

=mentally-drained blogger=

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." ...a fairly decent quote i must say. And it's frm Batman Begins -- a fairly ok movie.

I was thinking off what to write today and i decided to let Ali of the past inspire me in tonite's entry.Went thru my December 2004 archives and im surprised tt i hadnt blogged today last year. Nor did i blogged tmr. Nor did i blog on the eve of the eve of Christmas.

hey all of a sudden, the lights at orchard came across my mind. Hmmm... i wonder if they still decorate the trees with lights. The last time i saw the lights was ..... hmm..... was when we're on our home frm somewhere when dad decided to drive thru town to see the lights... and tt was ages ago! Not in the past 6-7-8 years i tink. haha... It was just tt ONE time -- which lasted 2 minutes i think. Haha... yea.. it's nice to "see" what u saw in the past. Precious little moments.

a week to the new year. gosh do i fear my future. i suddenly felt the fear today coz i wanted to clean my room today lah. I wanted to clear some stuffs so tt my bros could warm up for their school term by reading up early and stuffs like tt. Right now, the two tables in my room are still occupied with my notes and files and tys lah! Stuffs ive yet to master. And knowing tt ive not done my job well made me feel abit guilty abt discarding my old stuffs. And looking at my "preparations" for the As .... gosh is the mood really tormenting me. Mama came in and i told her abt the notes and all lah. Well, all i did was say vague things here and there.

And mums being mums, she could see right thru me. She could hear things i didnt actually say. My voice was abit stressed up when she asked if i needed help in clearing my stuffs. I replied with a no.... and an hour later, she came back to my room and not a single bit of difference lah. I was still like sitting on this chair looking at my tables... wondering what to do. And she said, "maybe u could get the boxes inside ur dad's van and put all ur stuffs in it. If u ever need to use them in future, u 'll noe where to find it. If after several years and there's no need for ur old stuffs, u could always throw everything away along with the box." Sweet suggestion.

Reminiscing my past, wondering abt the future. Tt seems to be the things i do during free times. Always keeping in touch with myself and it seem to me tt the only fren im keeping in touch wif is none other than myself.

gosh do i suddenly feel like defining myself.... slowly..

Till nxt time. Happie holidays.

PS: Something just doesnt doesnt feel right abt this entry. It's been on for a couple of hrs and i just do not feel like publishing it. Thoughts do not seem to connect. Paragraphs do not seem to be going in a smooth flow. But wth.... shall get it over and done wif.


Saturday, December 24, 2005

let it rain....

boy has these few days been soo wet. Well, after looking at what snow had caused in other parts of the world, thank god.

had dinner after work. Organised by the company one. Note tt i didnt say Christmas dinner. I mean, of coz we all noe tt it's becoz of christmas tt there's this feast after work but i guess they removed the Christmas tag frm it coz they wouldnt want the malays to be "celebrating" christmas, if u get wat i mean. At first, when i stepped out of the lift on e 6th floor where the canteen was, i heard a christmas song lah... and i was like... hmm... Then when i finally reached the canteen, i heard someone say "this one christmas party ar?" .... then someone else said, "no lah, just dinner". And then the next few songs played were oldies -- mostly silly love songs. Haha... Malay to chinese ratio is ard 50-50 and boy do i respect the respect the ppl at work hv of each other lah. sweet environment ... esp when ppl ard u are dads(which is why they played oldies). Observing them totally changed my outlook of fathers.

tokin abt fathers and work and what not, i realised that it IS hard for fathers to be like sons. I mean, going to work and all, i'd like to imagine tt i'm a dad who work to feed hungry kids and wife at home. Just to feel wat it feels like lah. And i realised tt ever since i started work, my room's been in a total mess! I've yet to clear my jc stuffs lah(maybe coz of the fear i may be needing them again) .... ! haha... and ive rarely cleaned up after dinner or help my mama wash or hang the clothes or sweep the floor or mop the floor or clean the kitchen lah!

okok.... maybe this doesnt sound like the stuffs sons do but tts not the point. Wat im saying is tt i find it hard for me to be my old self. And the other day, i actually asked my mama to help me wash my plate instead of me taking her plate and wash it for her. And then i cheekily told her, "mama.... ive changed rite?" haha... yeaa.. of coz it's onli a small thing but to me, it's a big deal lah. And tt, my frens, will be a one-off incident lah. haha. So i guess it IS hard for fathers to be like sons. It IS LAGI hard for fathers to be like mothers. yea... so if ure the kind who says tt u like ur mom more than ur dad coz ur mom spends more time with u than ur dad... (like me...) ... then i think, hmm... I think then tts just too bad for dads lah! They should hv thought like me and do the right thing frm the very start. yups..

well with regards to the way ive been blogging the past few entries, yea... these feelings come and go. See, i never tok abt it in tis entry rite? Haha... Oh ya, suddenly remembered the dream i had this morning -- the last 10 seconds of it.

i was reading a blog. Hearing a blog. Watever. Nites.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I cant believe it

... my hope of a fairly decent break is gone. Yups... the day came. And it came sooner than i expected. Oh btw, exactly wat i was waiting for i wun really say lah but just so u noe, the day came today and im not making tis up.

A second felt like a minute. A minute felt like an hour. 4 days felt like 4 months. Nine days felt like 9 months. What abt the actual months itself? "It's been a while."

ytd's title was "love.crush.infatuation". There wasnt much story behind it lah. Just tt after much thought, i SIMPLY felt like writing what i wrote on September 2..... Ok maybe, go reread tt entry(which is longer than this one). Maybe there's a story behind tt entry which goes by the title "love....crush....infatuation".

well, it's amazing wat writing can do. It allows someone to talk abt things he'll never say in real. Yet, despite this, someone can still choose to NOT say everything he wants to lah. ANd also, the MOST amazing thing i find abt writing, or blogging for tt matter, is it allows me to see and hear someone whose blog i'm reading. Of coz it's a different sort of seeing and hearing but still ....

Oh yea, on our way home just now, dad told me 3rd Jan will be e last day i'll be helping him. He said he gv me some couple of days rest b4 i ciao. Haha... Man... it's kindof fast if i really think abt it. And he also said tt my helping him gvs him the opportunity to rest his ageing legs lah. Yups. All in all, just when i was beginning to feel pro doing the job, i'm already abt to leave the job. Saded.

Well i guess i'll look forward to my new job. =) Nites.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Perhaps love.....

well, i think besides hating leaving pathetic entries as e most recent post, i also hate leaving foolishly-written entries behind. haha....

entries tt're driven by the heart? LOL... more like driven by my random meaningless thoughts lah. So yea, ppl like me write for the joy of writing. Fact or fiction, u guys hv to sieve it out urself. Erm... ya..

SO e function of tis entry is basically to bury "the past" and by "past" i mean ytd. Haha... or was it earlier today? Well then, till nxt time. =)

Monday, December 19, 2005


What is love?

Love is friendship. If u cant be my bestfriend, then there cannot be love.

Haha.... btw, it's a quote frm a sweet film i just watched. Some bollywood film. Love is friendship? If two persons are bestfriends, they're simply bestfriends and nthg more right? WRONG! haha... well, at least tts wat happened in the movie lah. yea.... I guess deep friendship could turn out into deep love. And yup, quoted frm the movie again. Well u noe how Bollywood films are... always fooling ard wif ppl's emotions. fooled wif mine. Which expls tonite's entry.Well then, what in my opinion is love?

I THINK love is when i'm.....

Lying on my bed
A pen in my hand

Wondering why she's taking so much of my time
Why she appears in most of my thoughts
My dreams



haha.... dunnoe lah. I think this sort of thing is a bit the TV lah. If u ask me, i think love is a bit like Shrek and a bit like Turn left Turn right. And maybe if at night u nthg to do and u simply feel like writing like the person whose writing i extracted frm i-cant-trace-back-where (lazy to google back)... maybe tts love too lah.

Well, change topic shall we. Today me and the other kids played soccer at the multi-story carpark behind my block. The fifth floor. Damn cool lah... but the scary part was if one was to kick the ball downstairs lah. haha.... yeah... Inspired after watching Ginga this morning lah.haha...yea..


Sunday, December 18, 2005

You took the wrong flag

Well a couple of minutes into sunday only. Gotta say tt last night was the first time i gave a part of my earnings to my parents and dearest grandma. Haha... finally im all grown up now, or at least i'm beginning to feel tt i'm grown up. I used to see my parents and older cousins of mine giving a bit of their salary to their elders and now it's my turn!! yea..

Speaking of growing up, could it be the reason as to why im feeling so foolish? I tot im over all tt stuffs. I mean.... forget wat i mean. Haha...

Shrek was cool. If an ogre could get a princess, i could at least get someone decent can i? Haha.. Unless theyre telling me tt the reason why it's a cartoon is becoz such things only happen in cartoons.

Ocean's 12 was like oceans 11. It wasnt spectacualar. Transporter 2.... it was a fairly short movie. Hmm.... i wonder when i'll blog abt Pride and Prejudice. Haha... Seems like sthg nice to watch.

On Aug 23, i wrote "We're flying the wrong flags. U took mine and i took urs."And today, I reminisce abt wat i wrote months back and realise it's still true today. I mean, what could i possibly mean huh?

Well then. tts it. nites!


haha... it's a matter of personal preference. I mean, i would personally say tt aj is a gd skool becoz it's environment is well-suited for a person like me. It's neither too fun nor is it too boring. THe ppl ard me are nether too clever nor too stupid (coz i cant be ard myself can i?). haha...

Maybe, if one has the chance to spend the first 3 mths in a better school, one can obviously make one's own choice based on one's own personal experience. So given the choice, one may be allowed to say tt one prefers being a student of a better college than being an ajcian. However, this doesnt mean tt one isnt thankful for having a school to begin with.

At often times, ppl complain tt aj is a boring skool and no skool spirit and stuffs like tt. Personally, i dun see it as tt pressing an issue bcoz of my own nature. I dun see the nd of fun during my course of study in ajc. (well, tts me alrite) My kind of fun revolves ard the word friends.

But i guess tt's just me rite? Ppl who are the opposite of me would think otherwise. They prefer more spirit... more fun... more life.... and stuffs like tt. So i guess it's a matter of preference. Believe me.

Friday, December 16, 2005

loser me blogging again..

Sthg damn funny i heard from my mama today. Abit funny, abit scary... u decide.

Mama told me tt one of my bros woke up ytd morning tellg her i've came back from chalet. Mama walkd ard to look for me -- no shoes, no bag... so i cant be home. Then, he probably went to slp again and when he woke up, asked my mama where i was. Mama didnt think i would be home soooo early lah! (But knowing me, if u hv the chance to tt is, i probably would)

SHe then told my bro tt i wasnt home -- tt i cant be home. And my bro replied tt he heard the outside door open and saw me with my bag. Whahaha... And there i was at chalet.. sleeping. Remember when i said that it's not possible for me to be at two places at one time? I think Ali decided to go home lah! hah...

Anws, mama dismissed it as sthg he saw in his dream and probably wasnt aware of wat he was saying when he woke up. But ive yet to let the matter rest until i hear the story frm my bro. (He's with his twin sleeping over at a cousin's place)

And u noe wat, at e moment, i'm telling myself tt this story proved one thing -- tt though my bros so called "vow" not to say tt he sayang me, i think he loves me more than i think he does lah. Whahaha.... and i'm gone for one nite only lah!! Imagine if i go tekong.... everyday must call him so tt he could sleep, and wake up in peace. Hahah.... i wonder who's the unlucky fellas whom i hv to bug to lend me their phones. Lol...

So now, i shant ask my bros to admit they sayang me. haha... coz i think, someone's love nd not nesc be said out verbally. It could very well be hidden in his or her words. Spoken indirectly thru his or her actions... and though most never realise, thru his or her dreams. And frankly, me being e naive me, i want to believe this is so.

In other news, i kena scolded by the boss today for losing the delivery sheet. Haha... it's a list of stuffs we're suppose 2 deliver, n gt e receiver 2 sign on it. Somehow, i lost it lah!! And dad said i shuld learn how to relax and do things slowly. I tink it's down 2 me wanting 2 gt things done fast. Always thinkin abt e next office to go to instead of takin things 1 step at a time. Very careless of me though. It's like me on e field. The ball played to me n instead of gettin to e ball first and control it before making my next move, im already thinkin abt where to pass tt in e end, i often lose possesion. So i'll be calmer nxt time, thinking fast but carefully. ANws, dad wasnt really angry lah. Haha... he was being firm. ANd him being firm abt it made me learn sthg valuable instead of me dismissing the issue just becoz the boss is my dad and i wun get into trouble for it.Its a gd lesson for both on and off the field. Oh btw, we reprinted the DS and problem solved.

Eh guys, my bros just came back and i asked them abt ytd. He said he really really saw me! He then said he saw someone coz he knew later tt i cant be me. And they asked me if i saw someone too ytd nite! Of coz i didnt. haha... so meaning it wasnt a dream... hmm... Cool stuff... i hv a twin too! lol.. If i ever meet him, i'll tell him to report to Tekong on 7th Jan. Haha!!

Man... long entry again... so bye for now... cya tmr. Nites.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Where was Marzuki on Tuesday?

haha... yet another day of no-show ytd. By no show i mean, not writing an entry.

Guess what, i finally went to a chalet wif my frens lah! haha... and im kind of surprised i went coz i was sooo sure a couple of days earlier tt i wun be going. haha... last minute change of heart perhaps? The need to strike tt balance? Or is it simply down to the "great" move of having a go at getting me to change my mind? lol...

The answer.... haha... guess lo...

I wasnt tt great a company in the sense tt i was being myself lah... haha... taking the back seat in things im new at. Lol... simply sat back and observe wat ppl do at a chalet. Ive never been outside wif friends so late at night lah! Never ever. So it was rather weird moment for me... haha... I simply absorbed the atmosphere coz first time feeling wat it feels like mah. Walking along the beach so late at night... slight drizzle... ppl telling ghost stories. I was quiet thru out the story telling part lah. Perhaps i was concious of the time and place. I didnt want to open my stupid mouth and say sthg foolish lah. Then, they watched some chinese ghost story when we returned.. haha... i was looking at any other direction but the tv. hmm... scared? Or was i simply not doing anything tt i'll regret. haha.... i could see myself in tekong feeling the same exact feeling and i wonder if i would survive in tekong. I know i will.

After chalet, wenta st wifrid to play soccer wif sec school frens. Frankly speaking, i didnt feel like playing coz i hate playing under pressure. They are a gd team and i wouldnt want to hurt tt balance lah. Haha... and like nizar tagged, i scored a goal. I lobbed it over the keeper. But the impt thing he failed to mention is the fact tt the keeper was my keeper!! haha... yea... own goal on my debut. But playing at a slightly higher level than im used to will slowly make me better lah. Make me dare to make mistakes, learn to stop making same old mistakes and blah blah lah.. Well, a game on Saturday(or is it sunday?) and i dun mind playing... Trying slowly to strike tt balance. hehe.... NS coming.. so i'll try be more daring in stepping out of my comfort zone. Well, just now soccer kind of made my legs tired. And ive to work tmr. haha...

and daniel my sec sch fren commented abt my long curly hair and said look like those korean guys. "heartthrob sia" was wat followed nxt. haha.. And i enjoyed tt remark for 2 nanoseconds and woke myself up. Haha.... eh, not in a million years will i hear such nonsense again lah... haha... The last time i cut was before exams... the next time i'll cut will be in tekong lah!! haha...

Nice couple of days. Thx kim,rz,nizar esp, and yong. Hopefully more pleasant days to come. I still cant believe i changed my mind when i was dead sure i wouldnt go lah..... So last but defnitely not the least, to u, thx. haha... If it wasnt for e other time, i think today blogging abt work again lah.=)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


work-induced stress is a problem. i mean, dun blame ur dads if for no reason, he becomes bossy or easily irritated or stuffs like tt lah. Just bear wif it and forget abt it the next day, coz im sure dads would have wished yesterday never happened.

so many stuffs to deliver today... like 60+ locations in 4 hours. Tts not forgetting pickups. Rush rush rush... in the end i made another costly mistake. It's the STUPID scanner's fault!! I scanned the items wrongly so i clicked cancel. Den dunnoe why, a notice appeared saying they saved wat i scanned already. Haiz... i tink one of the item would go to penang instead of bangkok... Finished the first half of the day at 2. Ate lunch and the second half of the day began at 2.30. Today's the worst so far. Boy was i quite pissed lah... not by anyone, but by the nature of the work itself. Thank god the second part of the day was less rushed.

Boy do i really need to take my mind of work this couple of days.

ANws, before i go, just some stuffs i feel like writing.

Firstly, what's a delivery man's worst nightmare? Answer: Hearing a dog barking seconds after he presses the bell.

Secondly, what's a delivery man's lagi worst nightmare? Answer: There's two dogs barking behind the closed door lah!!!!

Basket sia.. i was preparing to run lah if the dogs were still there when the owner opened the door! haha...

anws, just gotta add tt not many can influence me to go back on my words.

well, tts it... Nites!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

An entry u may want to skip...

ONe of those nites when i cant sleep and there's nothing i can do. So i figured, why not write. i hv a feeling tis could be a long one so yaa... dun start complaining abt the recent long entries. i warned u.

I'm still thinking abt it. Esp after someone decided to hv a go a getting me to change my mind. Hmph! What a move! haha.... First time i'm so sure yet so unsure of my choice. Haha... i guess marzuki wants to help his dad but ali wants to be wif his frens. U cant do both things at the same time can u?

The thing wif my name(s) is rather hard for me to expl. I mean, i'm born Ali Marzuki but during the growing up years, i was Marzuki. Family called me Marzuki. Neighbours knew me as Marzuki. Friends outside knew me as Marzuki. Ali came abt when i started primary school coz u see, the primary one me knew that it would be hard for chinese to remember Marzuki. Or rather, i feel that it'll be easier for them to remember Ali. Afterall, Ali always appear in textbooks and problem sums.

When school ended, Marzuki went home... Ali stayed in school. I guess that's what happened for six years. I guess that's why Ali had few friends from back then coz I was more Marzuki than Ali.

Secondary school came and the six-seven-year-old me introduced myself to my friends. He introduced me as Ali due to the same reason.... that chinese cant remember the name Marzuki. Or rather,it'll be easier for them to remember Ali.

Ali wasnt an established character back then. He was someone lost.... someone who's still figuring out who he was. Marzuki was inside him but among his friends, he was known as this guy called Ali. So for the initial couple of years, i guess Ali decided to take the back seat and observe others ard him so he can try to be like others. First the hair, then the slimming down part... then the character. Haha.... Somehow or rather, he let others influence him in the things he do...played soccer properly among other things.

The Ali in sec 3 and 4 was rather unexplainable. Beginning 2002, I remember telling myself to step out of my comfort zone and be somebody. So I became this joker .... loud, trying to act cool, ... trying to be more sociable. I talked to more people ... more people talked to me. Being a geog rep did help my cause coz i needed to collect workbooks and worksheets and money for files and what not.... i got to noe the whole class. And i cant believe that there's this one moment when i stood in front of the class and told them a joke! I cant believe i did that. The me now wun do that. Haha... those were days huh... yong...nizar..

Then come JC, it was a new beginning altogether. The primary one me introduced himself as Ali for exactly the same reason. But as u all may hv realised, Ali in J1 wasnt the Ali in sec 3 and 4. I was the sec 3and 4 Ali in the sense that i was sociable.... i didnt want to take the back seat anymore. I wanted to be the driver. But having new people around me means tt i have to give up the loud and joker Ali coz i guess, two years isnt enuff for Ali to be permanent. Those 2 years were like his growing up years and suddenly, new environment, new surrounding, new life meant that Ali was born again.

I guess the first few months moulded me. In my first 3 months class, i became the GP rep w/o even knowing what GP is. Others(for some weird reasons) really really didnt want to take up the position ... now i noe why. So me decided to step up and be a rep. No more back seat Ali... It was the driver me. And it really helps being a rep coz i had to organise the SpeakEZ sessions so i knew all my classmates and they all knew me. The thing is, cliques formed and i was mostly with Tauhid and Karthik and Kinweng all 3 months. The other clique was of coz the bulk who forms 30/04 today ... haha... and the rest, separate islands. People were serious in their work... sec 3 sec4 me could not survive in such an environment. So much to learn.... things went at lightning pace. The joker me had to go. The nature of the chinese in class were replicated in me... i didnt want to be slackers and skip tutorials and lectures by hanging ard in nexus. Oh btw, didnt want to doesnt mean did not engage in those things. Haha..ANd having lots of stuffs to learn wif so little time, i guess i became slightly focussed on what i wanted. And i figured the only way to do that was to follow wat the rest were doing. I guess from then on, i took a backseat and observed how i should be like.

Cliques were forming and me being in no dominant clique, i sort of knew that every one's on their own. Tauhid went seperate ways and tt kind of went against my liking. It meant that i was really on my own. This was coupled with timetables that made it almost impossible to be with secondary school frens lah. So i guess, those few months formed me .... into this someone who's alone...

Being a gp rep in my new class ... followed by being a class leader made me know everyone, but simply knowing just wasnt enuff for me lah. I knew adib, and thx to pw, hock yinlu and grace. But the kind of life in JC made it impossible to really noe anyone. U were always moving from place to place, and tt once cliques are formed, they'll never be broken or penetrated.... and being a class leader meant that i had to be neutral ... haa.... so for 2 years, i was neutral.

Neutral = alone = no chance for the sec3 sec4 me to comeout. Slowly, inevitably and eventually, sec3 sec4 me passed away. A new Ali was born... the isolated, quiet Ali uve come to noe. However though, Marzuki was always there.... the homely me...

Of coz i got to NOE ppl during the 2 years. Soccer trngs and malacca trip helped ... hanging out wif hock helped....haha... if u get wat i mean. =P If i had known, i would hv hanged out wif him earlier... LOl....kd..kd.. and let's not forget that i went to places like J8 and Heeren and Borders for the first time this year! I also ate breakfast wif frens for 3-4 days in a row. haha... All due to friends. Friends began to hav such a strong influence on me..... on ALi... But somehow, unfortunately, it mostly began this year only. The year which went off to a bad start and from then on, went downhill all the way. SO many things i wanted to do but thought that i couldnt afford the time to do.. The JC Ali wasnt really established. I'm still in the developing process lah alhough i think it's a tad too late coz where are we now? Almost midway of December. In a few weeks, it'll be a new life and a new Ali would be born again. Would i want a rerun of what ive been thru? Start a new life and hope to change.... ? My answer, no i dont. I want my life to continue... with watever friends i hv left. Dun tink it'll be 50-60 lah... haha... but yeahhh..

...which is why.. i'm still thinking. And I could have made the huge mistake of introducing myself as ALi. I really do. Coz if i had introduced myself as Marzuki, i think things would be a lot different. I'll be making changes to Marzuki and not creating a new person called Ali. I'll live one life..... where friends and family live under one roof. haha.... call me Ali and u'll be talking to the guy in school. Call me Marzuki and u'll be talking to the guy i am all my life. Call me handsome and ure called nizar. Haha....

Boy do i love to write. And I better stop making this a habit. Wells, enuff storytelling for tonite.... Dun mind the long entry... though I'd be amazed if anyone bothered to read this. haha.... well then,my blog... i write what i feel like writing. And i did warned u earlier did i?



A timely coincidence?

Reflections - Mulan OST

Look at me,You may think you see
Who I really am,But you'll never know me.

Everyday,it's as if I play a part.

Now I see, if I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.

Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight, back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now, in a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.

But somehow,
I will show the world what's inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time.
When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal what we think
How we feel?

Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time.

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

hahaha.... talk about coincidences. I hate it when movies i watch have uncannily close resemblence to my present life. haha... I can fool the world but not my heart. Hmmm... that's a new one. Is there a secret me I'm forced to hide? Is there? Haha.. When will my reflection show, who i am inside?

"But somehow, I will show the world what's inside my heart,And be loved for who I am." hahaha..... boy oh boy will this never happen. But just for the record, I dont see a girl staring back at me when i look in the mirror. lol..

Castaway was rather irritating and crappy. The ending was ok. Hate to see one lose a girl like that. It's so not fair. And guess wat i learnt after wasting 3hrs -- it's better to have some friends than no friends at all. I would do anything to talk to someone instead of a ball!

yet another one...

i dun quite like pathetic entries to be left as the most recent entries. Wait the more ppl see the entry.... the more loserish i become. Haha... so i think i'm gonna write a new one and leave past entries where it belong-- in the past.

I think missing out on the chalet is an unfortunate but nescessary decision i had to make. Of coz it'll make some ppl unhappy, me being the most unhappy abt it. And i noe it's one person's happiness against the many... but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Hah.... first time i refer to myself as a man sia.

And for ur information, the last time i went to a chalet wif my frens was.... hmmm... haha... there wasnt a last time. I wanted to make the coming one the first of many... but i guess GOd forbids? LOl... I guess some things just werent meant to happen. i guess some things just werent meant to be....just yet..i hope.

Yong talked abt living life to the fullest. And my fullest is helping my dad. And i was like.... something is definitely wrong wif me some where if my fullest is at home. haha.. when ppl talk abt living life to the fullest, climbing mount everest or go bungee jumping or windsurfing or travelling the world comes to my mind lah. And my fullest is wif my dad.... there's an essence of truth in wat yong wrote. haha... a mind-opening tag....

I so like want to be like mainstream, normal, ordinary ppl but the more i compare the differences, the less normal i become. Well, mama of all people noes that i have no sense of identity. She observed and at often times, told me that i'm following what other kids do and not being myself. And her tone was that of displeasure. Hmm... i guess i finally know now who i really am. Who i was born to be. Who i wasnt meant to be like.

Talking abt identity, my name is Ali Marzuki. Ali is the me known to most of u school frens. Marzuki is the me known to some of u and of coz... family. And i do realise that i'm different when i'm Ali and when i'm Marzuki. I feel tt Ali is the guy who feels lost most of his time. Marzuki's the one who feels more secure about life. In my blog too, i seem to notice that sometimes, i blog as Ali while at other times, i blog as Marzuki. haha... just something just realised... something i think i needed to write down.. haha..

wells, have a nice day.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

missed prom.... gonna miss the nxt big event...

... it was a difficult choice to make. i mean, it's either my dad or my friends. I could ask him for a day or two off but, do i really want to? Seeing the nature of his job, the tremendous weight of shipments, going up and down one building after the other, finding a place to park and so on... do i really have the guts to see it as "just one day" and let dad do his job like he always do?

The answer... no. He had to do everything on his own when i wasnt there.... and now that i'm there, i think its my job to literally lift the load off him. I didnt even asked my dad if he could allow me off for those 2 days. Not that i dun dare to. Just tt i dun want to. I cant really enjoy knowing tt at the back of my head, im enjoying at the expense of my father..

well, i guess this entry is a pathetic excuse for my not coming. I really wanted to prove nizar wrong.... (like how i wanted to prove tauhid wrong when he dared me not to blog for a day)... but in both cases, i followed my heart rather than my head. I guess nizar saw this coming. I guess he noes me more than i tot he knew lah. well, i missed prom and im gonna miss the nxt big event.. Both events for me to keep in contact wif frens... both events i fail to attend. It's a repeat of primary school life, secondary school life.... and now.. jc life is not much difference.

I knew i blogged a number of times late this year wanting to change all that and stuff.... the opportunity for that change came knocking, and both time i rejected it. Historically, less and less opportunity will come knocking ..... And i truly ask myself, will i regret the decisions i make now this day in future? Should i have listened to my head more than my heart?

A tough life.

Thursday, December 8, 2005

oh cmon....

....... 90 minutes sleeping would hv been the better option....

Replies to u..

me2indian: haha... yeaaa....

me2kim: i understand.. i'll try see if i can go not. See the date first. =)

me2ivy: hmm... no such box but for large parcels, they dun put it in a box. THey simply wrap the parcel and send it overseas. haha...

me2Nizar: i'll really try to come. Higher probability if it's on a weekend. If on a weekday, most likely show up after 7.... but i'll come. =)

Finally... the dream..

No entry ytd. Tts coz i slept the moment i returned home laah! I entered my room and immediately fell onto the bed for a "short" rest. Skali ended up waking at 245 and realised i'm still in my uniform lah!! Haiz.... nvm.... at least im awake now to watch ManU's game later. Its a must win game so will cfm see them win l8r. haha... i hope.

The value of money. Haha... its like soooo hard to get. And it seems more valuable esp if u worked for it. Well, now tt i noe how hard it is to bring home money for the family, i'll be even more consious of my spending lah. Haha.... dun tink i work means got more to spend. Heh...

Sis just left for Penang ytd and will be back on e 12. Bros left for my cuz place and will be back on the 10. I've also just left -- left alone at home lah!!!

Ytd, i see work as work. No longer as sthg fun to do... my approach ytd was get everything over and done wif as soon as possible. No more seeing it as a game or wat. Reading other ppl's blog, most tend to like their job the first few days and by the next few days, blog abt how boring it is and all. haha... i guess it's nomal.

Well, wat uve read is today's entry. Now for wat i wanted to write ytd.

Learn from ur mistake seems like a useless saying lah. Like ppl repeat their mistakes over and over again even when reminded not too. But... i made a mistake which i WUN dare make in future lah!!! Coz at work, i scanned something wrongly and boy,.... it's gonna cost me hundreds of dollars lah!! well... it may not seem alot if u minus hundreds of dollars from a 5 digit salary. But if dad decide to minus it off my salary... hahaa... duwan tink abt it. WEll, i was MORE careful from then on.

And a dream!!!!!! hahaa... finally a chance to be together sia. It's been so long lah since my last aNd i even tot i was over wif all tis thoughts and dreams! haha... but when i woke up, it was an odd moment. I wasnt as pleased as i was previously. Haha... dunnoe why leh... i guess i've waited far too long for tis dream and tot tt me and my crazy tots and dreams hv finally been a thing of the past. Haha... i guess it's not.

well then, till later. bye!

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Save the last dance for me...

Firstly, no replies to tags coz there's no tags for me to see. What's wrong wif tagboard seh!!!!?? I'll try tmr.

Hmmm... condo life aint my kind of life. Nor will it be my kids kind of life. It is sooo dead lah. Wenta sent stuffs to 3 condo apartments and it was so so boring lah. No neighbours to play with.... no noisy aunties to say hi to u when they pass by ur house... blah blah blah... haha... Well, tt's wat i observed lah. If first impressions count, i'll never dream of staying in a condo.

And wat did lousy me got for my 2 bros.... a doughnut each. Haha!! Anws, i was feeling a bit hungry so on my way back, wenta the bakery and bought the 3 doughtnuts-in-1-packet tt cost less than 2 bucks .... and while eating one, i figured why not leave the other 2 for the 2 of them. Lol. I wonder why i even bother to tell the world how lousy i am.... but i guess, this is me lah... better tt u like me for who i am and not for what u perceive me to be. Cheem huh? lol..

My auntie sent an sms to 89.7fm... and haha... we heard the deejay sing a bdae song for my 2 bros and some other fella who sent a bdae sms too. Haha... was kind of sweet to hear their names being sung on air .... I'm sure they liked wat my auntie did for them. Heh..

To "celebrate" (or acknowledge) their bdaes, dad bought them... or should i say, treated the whole family to KFC and McDonalds. Hahahaha.... yea... tts it. SImple stuffs for simple my family. I still owe them their hugs and kisses.

And prom... whahaha... cant wait to hear reviews abt it. Heh.... wenta the website and took a look at their survey and realised Nizar's name on the Most likely to win fear factor thingy... and i was like... HAAHA... if his fanbase there big, cfm win one. But his BIGGEST fan not there, go in army already... so may not be easy for him to win. Haha.... gd luck.

enuff said. Gd nite... and save the last dance for me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

About wat now... work again?

me2Nizar: haha... marah nampak... rilek ah.. maen maen je... =)

me2Kim: alamak kim... is tt a million dollar question? I really really cant giv a definite answer at the moment..... thanks for even bothering to invite me evn if a part of u might hv already known the answer. We'll kp in touch. -touched-

me2yuying: haha ... after the long absence... yup, Hi!!
Yup.... work again. First time i ran. First time i sweat. First time i dragged my feet frm office to office. First time i feel like dropping dead. First time i dreamt of delivering things during the short naps i had.

Tmr... i tink my bros birthday (or is it birthdays)... will be like anyother bdaes. Hmmm ... haven reach the stage when i can come up wif presents for ppl and stuffs liddat. Yes i noe it doesnt really matter how much the presents cost or for that matter, if u get the birthday guy or girl presents or not. I guess tmr, a hug and a kiss will do. erm..... make tt 12 kisses and a really long hug. haha... Soon... things'll change. Basket... really wanted to get them tt console they so badly want and i sort of hv tis feeling tt my bros tink my parents would get it for them --coz lately, my parents been asking them qns abt PS2 like how my dad asked me abt handphone the other day --but i noe they(my parents) wont! Maybe they would lah, but chances are they wont. I really dun wanna see them sad on their bdae... or during the daes following their bdae. I for once, noe exactly how it feels like. hmm.... we'll see... we'll see...

And the few guys in my class wanted to go out eat tmr at seoul garden. Not tt i mind lah.... Then it occured to me tt i would be a freakin lousy brother if i were to be out of home for almost the whole day if i were to go to Seoul. It's my bros bdae lah!....and me being the lousy me, i told them guys to postpone the outing till after gene's trip. And lucky me, they didnt mind lah. Maybe gene minded but i guess i could hv interpreted everything wrongly coz afterall, its MSN. Someone not replying to ur msg could be read off as not wanting to talk to u -- but i noe tt it could also mean tt tt someone could simply hv left his or her com on and went somewhere else or better still, fell asleep. haha.... and i tink them not shooting me at all for postponing the outing speaks alot abt them.

well den, outings are alien stuffs to me man. And i was preety surprised kim bothered to invite me lah! coz i noe some wun. Nites.

Monday, December 5, 2005


soooner or later, blogs become very mundane and repetitive. It's not easy to write interesting stuffs over and over again everyday. Liddat go xiaxue's blog or tt dawn yeo's blog read.

Hmm... reading boring entries tells one thing about the writer. He's plain bored. I'm bored when i'm home.... i may choose not to write, like friday. But if i decide to write, i simply write wat i want to write -- which is why entries nowadays are short... am simply not in the mood to write.

But i am in the mood to read but strangely, no one seems to be writing on a daily basis. It's like i hop here hop there see the same entries.... not fair sia... haha... can read my entries(though boring) but cannot read urs.

Well, blog abt work coz one whole day at work so nthg much to tok abt. If i go eat sakura chicken rice, then i blog abt sakura's chicken rice lah. If i go chalet then i blog abt chalet lah. If i go my primary skool teacher's house for hari raya then i blog abt the visit to primary skool teacher's house lah. If i go for hockey training, then i blog abt hockey training lah. If i go badminton trng, then i blog abt badminton trng lah. Hah...Bored.

Dream girl and dreams of 2 kids. For the time being, my mind stopped thinking abt the dream girl already. Dunnoe why.... maybe taking a break too. Haha.... well, i dunnoe ... all i noe is tt never hv anyone left such a lasting impression on me lah. =)


Sunday, December 4, 2005

me2ivy: Haha.... i wrote San Jose coz there was a parcel i picked up earlier that day which was to be sent to San fingerprints just arrived in Puerto Rico this morning!! =P

me2Kim: If my blog was a book, there would be no more pages... That would never happen lah!!! DIe die must find more papers for the book lah! Anws, the thought of having my blog in a book did cross my mind some months back and it sounded neat sia, but i figured it'll cost too much lah. heh...

me2Nizar: haha.... kim wasnt tokin cock lah.... his tag was in Kim-glish ... must read and reread a few times before u get the true essence of his tag. (no offense Kim!)

me2Yong: yeaa.... 1 year... so fast one year passed sia!!..


Finally, my entry. Didnt blog yesterday in case u didnt notice. So no more saying i blog EVERYDAY ok? haha... wanted to go online but fell asleep while reading the papers. well then, hmmm.... one day never blog like one month never blog seh -- i dunnoe how to continue.

ok..yesterday was the HOTTEST afternoon among the 5 days ive been to work. very very hot! Luckily it was for a couple of hours onli. And ytd, super duper LUCKY lah!!! Coz while my dad's friends were still on their routes delivering and collecting their pick ups, me and my dad finished work already!!! Ard 630 liddat we left for home. And dad disturbed some of his frens using the walkie talkie lah before we left. haha... First time see the evening sky on our way home.

We needed to fetch my mama who was at my auntie's place in Yishun so dad took a "shortcut". He went off the expressway and drove passed Seletar air base and some rich people's house and before i knew it, we reached the other side of Seletar reservoir and boy was the reservoir HUGE!!! ANd in the evening, quite romantic sia. Haha.... Talked about his last time army that time, my sister ... hahha... and ytd, i realised that i have a great dad too!!!! So cool rite!! After 18 years, i realised that my dad is great!!!

And today, i queued the longest queue i ever queued this evening. For almost ONE HOUR lah!! At the John Little sale at expo. Didnt bought alot lah... mama bought a couple of pillows and a bag, a couple of tshirts for my bros, a couple of socks and cotton tees for me. Dad as usual was waiting in the van while sis as usual had her band prac and work. Wah... tis will be the first and last time i'll be queueing this long lah!! Unless of coz in future, my wife insists on me queueing. Haha!

well then, till next time... =)

Friday, December 2, 2005

happy 1st anniversary!!

1 year blogging seh. ANd slowly, its getting slightly boring. SLIGHTLY. Haha... Looking back, i tink i can re-live most of those days lah!! Coz like the entries (most of it) are written with such vivid descriptions lah! Well, tts wat i tink. Maybe it's also coz the things i wrote will trigger a memory or two inside this dusty brain of mind..... lousy soccer days, SL, birthdays .... exams... frens... late nights... all this brings back bittersweeeet memories. Hopefully, it'll go on till the day my wife tells me to stop blogging lah! =)

Was thankful tt it didnt rain today. It drizzled for i tink 20 minutes onli. SO lucky coz if not, very hard to go around one. Today was an okay day for me lah. I see some of my dad's frens return from delivery with their vans DAMN full!!! Top to bottom front to back. U wanna now why? I tink Santa's retiring. And the whole world's presents to deliver ..... he lets DHL handles it. LOL!!!! No lah, its more of companies wanting to send Christmas gifts to their customers from San Jose to Shanghai, from Dublin to Sydney. Heh. The world is definitely bigger than i tot it was lah! haha...

I kindof find my job fun lah. Its like the AJ race -- go round looking for ppl "hiding" in their office, asking for their signatures. Good exercise. Really really good exercise. Tomorrow's friday. May seem like a normal day to u but tmr is when ppl will rush to send their stuffs before the last flight. Coz Saturday Sunday less ppl working mah.. So more more loads and pickups tmr. And the day end much much later tmr.

Hanged out with my dad's frens after work. Ate prata and drank wintermelon tea. ANd boy are they a very funny lot. Haha... u noe, they can like make silly littttle jokes about each other tt is so freakin funny YET not hurtful lah. Boy do we still have a long way to go.

...before i go, ....a phrase to trigger off a memory today, "Solitaire Showdown". 2-1. And i forgot to say that i solved a Soduku or Sudoku puzzle today!! Started doing the puzzle in the Today newspaper on my way to work and ended before we finished work. SO cool lah the puzzle!! Make me less bored in between trips. Gonna see tmr's solution, whether i'm right or wrong. Then gonna do tmr's puzzle too! haha... yet another addictive game lah.

If ure bored, get up from tt chair of urs and go get urself sthg to do lah. As if got nthg better to do than reading my blog. Haha... Anws, i tink i wanna borrow HP5 book. GOt how many books in all ar? 7 or 8??


Thursday, December 1, 2005


Simply do not noe wat to write in the title. Today was a longer day than ytd which was longer than my first day. Tis morning was by far the most stuffs we had to deliver lah. Hmm... can say i've more or less noe the routine already.. Yup... everyday's a routine. U do almost the exact carbon copy of wat u did the previous day lah. The roads we take and the buildings we go to.... all the same. It's a relative easy job provided u noe the area well and u hv the physical stamina to do it 5 times a week.

Anws, on the way home, dad asked me if i need a handphone for NS. hmm... again, the issue of handphone surfaced. Then he also asked me if i ever thought off learning how to drive. Haha... the issue about driving license is a new one. ANd dad also told me today was their wedding anniversary lah! haha... cool, 19 years. I didnt noe bout it lah. Anws, anniversaries arent tt big a deal i tink.... or are they? Haha... dunnoe lah.... it MUST be a big deal for him and mama lah but for us kids? heh.... Mama wanted to go out eat tonite but since we hv religious class, she postponed it to saturday. Haha.... everytime their anniversary go eat outside onli. Boring seh.. Last time their anniversary go to restaurant lah.... but as the family gets larger and the kids stomachs get bigger, restaurants aint an economical choice anymore.

Hmmm.... anniversaries sound cool lah... esp now tt i can start to think more like an 18 year old instead of the old six year old. Lol.... Anyways, tmr will be my anniversary lah.... me and my darling blog hav been together thru ups and downs, black and purple and green and purple, for ONE YEAR!!! haha... yea....

...tts all...Nites..!