Friday, December 30, 2011

Jobs



Tonight, I open with interest mass emails from the school about job opportunities related to my field of engineering. Because I do not see myself working atop high-rise buildings due to my slight fear of height, I'm seriously considering the rail industry - digging tunnels and underground stations and everything else in between.

And then I thought about giving myself a couple of months break and not dive straight into the working world. And then I realized when my sister graduated, I ensured that she got into the working world immediately. It's about time I gave back. Paris, UK, Egypt, US, Switzerland, Australia ... Places such as these will have to wait.

May the road ahead be manageable for me.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I miss some friends



Sometimes I think about all the people that I've met in my life and how they've affected me, I really do. And then I think about how long it has been since the last time we've met and I wonder if they feel the same way too. And then I delve into whatever wonderful memories I have of them and reminisce. And I smile.

And I hope some day, some way, we'll meet over a cup of milo or something and catch up. On old times.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Seeking Comfort



I find comfort at home, among my mother and sister and brothers. But when they're out working or are on a holiday, I find myself looking for something to latch on to so as to remain comfortable. That's when I write.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

After 17 days, I write once more.



Hidup dalam ketakutan,
Hidup berlandaskan al-Quran.


I do not know why but the mind formed those couple of lines as I fell asleep last night. Earlier this afternoon, it was mentioned that the fear of Allah and the love of Allah are two paths that will take one to the same destination. However, it was said that the former may leave a negative psychological impact. I paused, and reflected. I'm reminded of the verse in surah Ar-Rahman verse 46 which means:

"Dan orang yang takut akan keadaan dirinya di mahkamah Tuhannya (untuk dihitung amalnya), disediakan baginya dua Syurga."

"But for he who has feared the position of his Lord are two gardens."

Thinking about it, I can't help but feel like I'll never be capable of loving. Or maybe I do, but I show it through fear - the fear of deviating from the straight path, the fear of allowing myself to be excessively distracted by unimportant worldly issues and such.

Or in some distant imaginary worldly relationship, the fear of losing someone whom I've yet to even say hi to.

Sigh,

It's been many days since I last wrote something. It seems that once the exams are over, I've been spending more time away from the Internet. Most days I find myself in school doing my final year project, at my grandma's place, playing floorball and soccer, learning how to drive a car, watching movies (online) and stuffs. For some reason, I wish I could get into Ramadhan rhythm and spend more time with the Quran. For some reason, it's been an eventful 17 days but the heart feels empty.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Past 10 Days



30th Nov, Wednesday:
It's 246am as I scribble this few words. I just watched Harry Potter 7 Part 2. Awesome.

29th Nov, Tuesday:
Bored at home, I went to school. To the lab and did some work for my final year project.

28th Nov, Monday:
I took my Final Theory Test. Hope to get my driving license by the time i start work.

27th Nov, Sunday:
Soccer in the morning. Visited grandma in the afternoon.

26th Nov, Saturday:
Stayed at home. United drew Newcastle. They're starting to annoy me.

25th Nov, Friday:
Solidwaste Management paper ends. Exams end!

24th Nov, Thursday:
Engineers and Society paper ends. A friend met with a road accident on his way to the paper. Alhamdulillah, he was alright.

23rd Nov, Wednesday:
Spent the day studying.

22nd Nov, Tuesday:
Traffic Engineering paper ends. Tough one. I hope I did enough.

21st Nov, Monday:
An hour before my first paper begin, I received an sms from my sister saying that she was on her way to Nyai's house from work. It was probably noon. Something didnt feel right so I switched my phone off. And sat for my exam.

At 4pm, I asked her what's wrong. And she said that our grandmother had been sleeping since morning and have not woken up. Everyone in the family was there. I prayed for the best. The doctor came. I reached just in time to follow her in the ambulance. Soon after, she was admitted. She was admitted for a couple of days. Now's she's fine, alhamdulillah.

Life. The past 10 days.



Sunday, November 20, 2011

Grandmother



As I looked at her, I remembered the woman who scolds me whenever I've not prayed. I was probably 7. And 8. And 9. And 10. And 11 years old. And thereafter, whenever she's around, I made sure I prayed before she scolds me. I remember praying for her to live a long life, long enough to see me get married. When you're 7 or 8, marriage would seem like a long time away. Perhaps, if my grandmother hadn't pushed me to pray regularly at an early age, I would've been a somewhat different person.

Her speech today was noticeably unclear. She mumbles. She doesn't remember her late husband's name. She doesn't remember me. She's seeing people and things that are not there. It just breaks my heart.

The coming week will be filled with exams - a paper on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. After that, slightly more than a month's break (with final year project in between). I hope I've done enough to carry me through.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Funny, she sounds like me



Studying for exams usually makes the brain dead. It kinda sucks the life out of life. You look at your lecture notes and past year papers, trying to understand and make sense of things. Repeated attempts does not make you smarter. Time run out. You sit for the exams. Life resumes when everything ends and ends as soon as your results are out. The cycle has been repeating for the past sixteen years. I, have not lived.

Anyway, Mum's wisdom. She says she talks to my brothers about things, that includes issues her friends are facing when dealing with children, to see how they react and respond. If their response is wise and mature, she's comforted. If their response isn't, then she'll try to educate/influence/persuade them into looking at the matter from different perspectives - like from the perspective of a mother, for example.

Funny, coz she sounds just like me.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Breathing through blocked nose


It's been a week of late nights, presentations, meetings, report writing, rainy days, cold lecture halls and skipped meals. Now I can finally breathe easy **cues Blue's "Breathe Easy"** - through blocked nose, sorethroat, fever and headaches. Never drink Ice Blended Mango juice on a rainy night.

Exams in two weeks. Mama slipped and fell and hurt herself two days back. On Friday, she didn't get up to make us breakfast. But she's alright now. She tripped and fell at around the same place at the back of the house some weeks back. Two falls in the space of two weeks making me worried. Falls are bad especially at her age.

A friend's getting married next June. Another's getting engaged next month. wow. Time flies. We used to be kids playing pokemon cards and quarrel over silly little things.

When Im unwell, words dun quite flow. Feeling drowsy. Cough med starting to kick in. Sleep.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Love



To show Mama that I love her, I'd do what she wants me to, to listen to her, to avoid what she dislikes, to talk to her when I can, to make her happy, to make her proud. To show my sister I love her, I'd nag at her, and argue about things, and saying things that frustrates her. To let my brothers know that I love them, I'd tell them that I sayang them, I'd ruffle their hair, try to make small talks with them, watch soccer with them, help wash their plates, and stuffs.

Love, you're complicated.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Privately Sociable



Trying out the new Blogger blogging interface. The layout makes me feels as though I'm writing an essay on Microsoft Word. Having been writing reports for assignments and scripts for presentations, blogging on this interface is giving me mixed feeling. I'm so gonna send Blogger a feedback.

There was a BBQ held in school a couple days back. Someone asked me if I'm going.

"No," I replied.

"Why?"

"I don't quite like social events."

"So you're anti-social?"

"No, I'm not. I'm just .... a private person."

"So you're conservative."

"Well, no ... I .. I'm just private."

And then I think about the things I write and share on this blog of mine and said to myself, "yeah right. A private person. A private person who spills his buckets of paints of thoughts on his white canvas of a blog like nobody's business. And I've been at it since three + two + two years equals to 7 years ago and it's still as fun and when I first began writing!"

Yeah I'm private alright. Openly private. Secretly sociable.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Time



This is, I believe, the second time this semester that I'm camping out in school. Sometimes, some quiet nights are needed to get things done. For some reason, whenever I'm home, I tend to watch TV with the brothers, have late dinner and chat a while with the mother, and facebook. And then when I'm about to get down to business, I'd tell myself that business can wait till tomorrow.

So tonight is a very cold night after a long day's rain. The cold's keeping me awake. That, and the thrill of mind-mapping. I mapped out an entire module, analysed four past year papers and have decided the two of three questions to do during exams. I'd probably print out the MCQ sections for the past 8 papers and find the answers soon. I could use a jacket, a warm cup of milo and probably some company right about now. But there's something nice and comforting when you're on your own though. Rather than the feeling of loneliness, I feel as though someone's wathching over me.

Ive read somewhere that if one makes time for Allah, He'll make time for you. And that if you don't, you'll probably feel as though time is not by your side. The concept of time has been playing on my mind this past couple days.

School has always been hectic. I was at the second page of Surah Yasin for around 8 weeks. A tad too long. I realized I haven't been spending enough time to read and reread and actually memorize the verses, let alone read and reread the meanings of those verses. To memorize a page is tough but with enough practice, insyaallah, it gets easier.

The same can then be said about my studies. If I put in as much time and effort into sitting down quietly and study, insyaallah, it'll get easier. I should stop seeing the hours spent reading and memorizing as hours that could've been better spent on studying. Rather, those hours spent are hours that would've otherwise gone to waste.

Alhamdulillah, 3 pages left.

By time,
Indeed Mankind is in loss,
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.
(Surah Al-'Asr)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Gloomy Saturday



Professional Communication, over. FYP progress report, almost completed. Traffic Quiz, though it went horribly wrong, is over too. School occupies my thoughts to the brim. Oh, and there's this one that caught my.

Anws, 4 weeks to make some magic. Exams!

Monday, October 17, 2011

One week hides another



One week hides another,
And another hides another,
Never will it end, never.

For the management project, my group that consisted of 9 other members managed to pull some last minute magic. And somehow, the prof seems keen and interested that he wanted us to work with him to build on the project - even though the project component is over. So, a job well done, despite all the frustrations and misunderstanding of working in sucha large group. For the design project that I'm working on, me and five others managed to come up with something despite us being back to square one just last Friday. For my communication project that involves 3 others, just brilliant. Discussion, preparation of slides, editing of slides, rehearsals. Everyone's just so co-operative it's very refreshing. And for my final year project, we may fight and quarrel like husband and wife, yet time spent at the lab with him is always fun. Maybe I should be less bossy and demanding and stubborn. I still am too serious. Still the no nonsense kinda person. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy.

I need to reward myself with donuts, ice cream, durian and chocolate cake.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Date with the boys



Had another dinner date with the boys. And as always, we talked about the girls in my mind, or the lack of it, or not. They care. And are afraid that I might feel left out, or not.

I was consistent about the fact that I'm not ready but the part that got me stuck was the qualities I'd look out for in someone. The qualities that I gave were like flares trying to dodge a homing missile. Coz quite frankly, when I meet that someone, I'll know it and she'll know it and somehow, there's that chemistry.

And the rest will be unwritten.

And so I continue to dream, and pray. And irritate my friends. (Please dont stop asking me out for dinner.)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Brain exploding in 10 seconds..



Why does it feels as though I'm the only one pulling the strings? It's tiring. I so prefer working independently. Please let this phase be over soon.

*deep breaths*

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Fear



“Fear Allāh; and Allāh teaches you” [Al-Baqarah: 282]



Exams, just seven weeks away. Deadlines. Presentations. Juggling several groups and discussions. Accommodating my floorball and soccer teammates. Games. Training sessions. Relationships with friends. Family. Snowballed tutorials and lecture notes. Quizzes. Exams.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Listen.



I get angry when others are angry at me. I get angry coz I dun understand why they get so angry so easily and why they need to get angry. And when you shout, I shout louder, to be heard, and then it becomes a shouting match. As if anger solves anything. Anger never solves anything. Women. (Read: Some women.)

And it doesn't help that I'm not the kind to give in when I know the fault's clearly not mine.

Happy 24th!



Here comes the customary birthday post:

So where do we begin? Mama threw a "party" for me. She cooked lots, invited aunts and uncles and cousins over. There was a birthday chocolate cake. Although it's a tad embarrassing, it made me feel like I was six (coz the last time she threw such a party was when our television had no remote).

I signed up for Class 3 coz a cousin showed me how to. Sister paid for it coz I got no Debit Card. Hope she pays for all the other fees too!

Birthday wishes. Hope them wishes do come true.

For me, 24. It's no longer about getting older or getting less young. It's about what's happened this past year that's worth remembering and writing about. Lots have happened. Hope the coming year will be even better!

I wished someone had bought me an alarm clock though. The kind whose ring is produced by the hammering of the bell and not some digital bell beep.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday, already





Time flies. Whatever happened to the dreamy thinker who used to pen every other thoughts down almost every other day.

Final year project has been very interesting and fun. And the best part about it is my partner is the guy whom I first made friends with when I was in my first year of university.

I remember sitting in Effective Communications class - the first tutorial I had. I didnt know anyone in class. And then a couple of minutes after class started, a guy came in and sat next to me. We talked. Who knew 4 years on, we'll be doing our final project together.

Fate. All it takes is the right person, at the right place. A smile and a "Hi, what's your name? I'm Ali. I don't know anyone here. Nice to meet you."

Anyways, my point is... it's Friday, already. Like how it's my final year, finally. Like how I'm turning 24 in a couple of days time, really.

Time flies. So tell me, where do you see yourself in four years time?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Facades






I left a family gathering early. "Meeting some friends," said I. "You've got friends? I've always thought it's just you and your books."

In their eyes, I'm an anti-social mugger. In my friends' eyes, I'm the guy who's able to lead someone to the doorstep of heaven. And that I'd make a strict father. And that teaching might be a challenge given my gentle nature. And that I'm sarcastic and rude. And that I'm a good brother. And that I'm not an understanding person.

Some have told me I'm very focus and task oriented. Others said I'm too rigid and serious and should learn to relax. My sister said once that I'm not independent. I replied, I'm very very independent. Some have said that I'm a fussy eater. Others have said I'm just being selective. And there's the occasional "weird + loner" reference.

I'm too extroverted. I'm also too introverted. I talk alot. I talk too litte. Why so serious, they ask. I'm charming. Also an idiot.

And then I look at myself in the figurative mirror and wonder if someone can see through all my facades and tell me who I am. I think I need a shrink.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Haters gonna hate



I hate it when mama compares me with someone smarter than me. But it's okay when that someone(or someones) are my younger brothers. Pfft, back when we were younger, I used to be their benchmark.

I hate it when mama washes my bantal busuk. I get angry. But then she makes me a cup of hot milo. Mothers have their way of doing things. She could wash my pillow a thousand times over and I wouldn't get angry... until she decides to pick on me and my pillow again.

I hate it when I sit on the train and the guy next to me wreaks of alcohol. I get angry and irritated. I'll get up and walk away. It puzzles me why rage consumes me whenever it happens. Yes, rage. Try me.

I hate it when I order Double Cheeseburger without cheese and the burger comes to me WITH cheese EVEN THOUGH they stuck the "Special Order" sticker on the wrapping. But it's okay coz the cashier recognizes me now and knows what I want.

I hate it when people fill up their fries bag with those Cheese shaker powder thingy right in front of my face KNOWING that I so do not luurrve the smell of it. But it's okay, they're just testing my patience.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Relationships



This week is about relationships. Relationships between:

1. The cab driver and his passengers
2. The cab driver and his wife
3. The husband and the wife
4. The husband and the wife's family
5. The wife and the husband's family
6. The wife and the mother in-law
7. The wife and the cousins
8. The husband and the wife's cousins
9. The cousins and the aunt
10. Me and my lovely not-so-little-anymore brothers
11. The friend and her boyfriends
12. The friends and their girlfriends

When one gets married, one marries the entire family. So many hearts one have to take care of. Adopt the self before others attitude and marriage will be tough.

The cab driver shared with me what he shared with his daughter.He said old habits die hard. He said to look for someone without bad habits. He said not to waste time with someone who promises to kick out those bad habits. He said to give someone without bad habits a chance.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Self before others. Others before self.



Floorball. Hari Raya Event.

He wants to be at both. He is committed to both. He is part of 2 great families and he wants to disappoint neither. But can only choose one. This feeling sucks. I am so fickle and indecisive when it comes to anything that's related to social stuffs. I'm not designed to be part of more than 1 family. I'm not designed to be part of more than one circle of friends. My comfort zone has been breached.

This is a new phenomena. I'm no longer living in my comfortable little blue room. Like it or not, I'm starting to be part of a slightly bigger world (yes, finally, at 23+ years of age). Comfort zones will have to be redefined. Others before self, as far as possible. Else, self before others. gah!

Times like this I feel like the most selfish guy on Earth.

Update @1229am:

There is a place where I had to be at on every Saturday morning. I've committed my time there and there's no way I'm missing it. I just received an email saying that this week's session has been cancelled as the kids will be having their mock exams.

What this means is that I'm now able to be there for both events. Alhamdulillah!

Times like this I feel so, thankful. :D

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

In a constant state of evaluation



"Working under pressure is frustrating.

Group work is fun when members are cooperative, understanding and helpful. But when members take the easy way out by not being constructive and letting you solve the group's problem, it's infuriating. I then console myself by thinking: In the working world, you will never end up in your dream team. So deal with it.

11pm and I was still in school. Wrapped up the last discussion of the day, emailed our FYP Project Plan to the prof, and rushed back home. Last train was at 11.37pm from Pioneer to Jurong East MRT. Time I reached Pioneer MRT was 1130pm.

12 midnight. Sat opposite two guys. In baju kurung. Sighs, if only.

1230am. Mama managed to pull out a plate of rice, lauk lemak, sambal udang, plain naan and garlic naan from her magic hat. She and the brothers joined me for dinner. United versus Juventus was on TV.

Pressure. It dissipates. So don't allow yourself to be bothered by pressure. Deal with it and push on. I felt like cursing anyone who wasn't being helpful. I felt like crying. I felt like walking away and go on a holiday to some pulau. And then I'm reminded of the engineer at work who could juggle meetings, site inspections and personal admin matters with ease. I consoled myself, again: This is in preparation for the working world. If you don't have the grades, you gotta be hardworking.

140am. Time. 12 hours was spent in school doing school related stuffs. This made me ask myself if Im setting aside enough time for Him aside from the usual obligations. Having spent so much time just on school, the least I could do is to perform the sunnah prayers before/after every obligatory prayers. And to memorize a surah. Perhaps, fast for six days. And revise whatever's that been taught on Saturday's Quranic Arabic class. Yet none of these amount to the 12 hours spent in school or school's stuffs."



I was in the midst of writing the above 5 days ago when I fell asleep. I woke up, alive and ready for a new day, and saw the above unpublished entry. The title I had given it was "Pressure". I looked at the "Publish Post" button. And clicked the X button on the top right cornet of my Chrome window. I went to school. To say nothing is a flower, according to a Jap proverb, and a flower I shall try be.

Tonight, I realised I've not written for quite some time simply because days ended crazily late and I was just too tired. And tonight, looking back at what was written 5 days ago, I shake my head and smile for having written so much just because I was under pressure from school work. I could say that I'm blissfully trapped in a constant state of evaluation.

Looking back. Looking forward. Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Pursuit of Happyness



No man's an island. Even the strongest of person need a shoulder to lean on once in a while.

The Prophet had circles of friends. There's a small inner circle and a larger circle around this inner circle. His character, his influence, his conduct, his stories and my lack of knowledge. It's about time I read about his story and start emulating his traits one by one. Life's too short and I shouldn't allow the mind to be occupied by too much worldly stuffs. Still in pursuit of that elusive balance. I want to die in the midst of preparing for death.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Eid 2011



Salaam,

Eid this year feels different. For some reasons I don't feel as happy as I was when I was younger. Maybe coz life's less fun when one gets older. Maybe it's the school assignments and tasks due that's lingering at the back of my head. Maybe it's the transition from Ramadhan routine to one that's a little different (if I allow it to differ). Or maybe sebab tak dapat duit raya.

It feels different coz I do not seem to miss the presence of Dad as much as I used to in the past. I think about him, I pray for him, but it feels as though I've forgotten about him. That I've moved on.

Also, I miss my friends.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Final day



It's been a week of self-confinement, thoughts wise.

A friend asked if something happened coz I become less cheerful. Another asked, "Why so serious?" and said, "Be flexible. Laugh." How do I explain to them that I smile only when no one's looking? And that I smile when I'm supposed to laugh and I laugh only when I'm supposed to roll-on-floor-laughing or laugh-out-loud. There's enough reasons that I can think off for me not to smile or laugh for no good reason. Just knowing there's someone out there quietly suffering is enough reason for me - orphans, parents who do not receive their due respect, old people having to beg or collect cardboards, and the likes. And when I laugh, it's like I'm no longer sharing the pain and sorrow of these strangers. Not laughing as and when I please is like the least that I can do to acknowledge and respect these strangers. For I used to find myself suffering in silence too.

Or maybe, when I was a kid, I remember hearing from somewhere that it's better to cry now and laugh in the hereafter than to laugh now, and cry later.

Words. Words from the past I seem to remember and latch on to and attempt to live up to. Words said to me, if it's meaningful, I'll not forget. Words said to me, if it's hurtful, I'll forgive but not forget. Words said to me, if it's just empty words, I will forget.

The last day of Ramadhan. This year's definitely different from the previous one. Next year, I hope to do it some place different. Insyaallah.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

The things I busy myself with



Cover letter. Resume. Final Year Project. Readings. Prof meeting. Integrated Design meeting. Vasco Da Gama. Traffic tutorial. Waste Characterization. Last 8 nights. And other non-urgent but important issues nonetheless.

Prioritize. Strength. Patience.

Week 3 of 13, here too soon. Need good grades to land a decent job.

Things (always) happen for a reason



When your kids say things that make the past 22 years of life seem worthless, you'd cry. I don't think she made Mama cried but I sure did, somewhat. Perhaps it was a mixture of emotions from having watched 100 Hari on TV1. Perhaps it was because of the brain going into overdrive with questions such as:

Where could it have gone wrong? Why did she say that? Did she think when she say that? What have I done wrong? How does she aspect me to show my love?

And then the mind started to direct the questions towards me. The blame-yourself-before-you-blame-others mechanism must've triggered itself. Clearly I have not been the best of brothers. Far from able to fill in dad's shoes. That feeling of incompetence or lacking that little something must've made me shed tears enough to cleanse my whole face. Or maybe it was just His way of making experience the feeling of crying as I read the Quran....


23:1 Sungguh beruntung orang-orang yang beriman,
23:2 (yaitu) orang yang khusyuk dalam salatnya,
23:3 dan orang yang menjauhkan diri dari (perbuatan dan perkataan) yang tidak berguna


Whatever the reason may be, it's for everyone to reflect.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Deeper Conversations





To be grilled about love, life and everything else in between is something that I have to deal with whenever I hang out with the guys. Funny how it was only a while back when it was just us guys - no girls in the picture.

Conversation over Oreo McFlurry ended. The brain went into thinking-mode on our way back home. There's no room for distractions, I thought to myself. That night, in the middle of a dream that does not make sense, someone appeared and said two words:

"Thank you."

That face. And that smile. And then she went. And then Mama wakes me up for Sahur. The heart screams, "WHYYY?". Sigh.

I ate. Prayed. Read Surah Taha. I'm approximately 60 pages behind time. School assignments at the back of my head. Tutorials. Need to pack my bag. Her face. Her smile. Her thank you.

I smiled, and went to school.




Tuesday, August 16, 2011

After trying out some tutorial questions..



*Chucks Statistics-laden Traffic Engineering notes aside and hopes it makes sense when I wake up tomorrow.*

Next stop, Engineer and Society tutorial.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

School: The remaining (couple hundreds of) days





Final year, finally.

I've been in school for 18 or so years of my life. This year marks the end of it ... unless I decide to pursuit some Masters thingy or something later on in life. But let's not look too far ahead.

Only the first week of school and there's already so many stuffs to read, plan and analyze. Final Year Project and a couple other group projects, wonderful. I remember telling some people that perhaps I'll look around for that special someone when I'm in my Final Year but I guess I'll have to postpone that thought till after graduation. Unless ....


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Life's tricky



Being ill on Ramadhan has it's benefits. It causes the brain to think and reflect like as though it's your last day on Earth. It also cause doubt to be cast on you, especially when you're supposed to be somewhere else but you can't.

There's nothing much one can do about the things people think or say about you. What matters is that you remain truthful and true to who you want to be as a person. And hope someday, others see it.

Life's a tricky journey.

Eighteen



"Ma, there's a high cut Converse shoes that I saw. It costs $89. I wanna get it."

I gave a disapproving look at my brother. I told him, and his twin, that I first spent money on personal items like shoes and shirts when I was a couple years older than 18. That when I was eighteen, I had to set aside portions of my NS allowance for Mum and stuffs like that. I told them to save.

"But we have saved quite a fair bit. So we wanna spend it. You recently bought your floorball stick, floorball shoes and your street soccer shoes."


Funny how they love to bring those points of arguments up whenever the need arise. I told them I bought those items when I was 23 - five years older than 18. I told them to save money for a rainy day. Whether or not they listened, I don't really care. I just hope that somehow, the importance of thinking before spending sticks into their heads.

Just like how I convinced them that spending hundreds on a camera is a waste of money and how that money could be used to buy a PlayStation 3. Only to ask them later, "Why waste money on a PS3 when you're already having fun playing games on your laptop?" They agreed. Some couple hundred dollars remain available for use on some other day.

They're growing up - both physically and mentally - fast.

I just realized that the past 5 years, the only reason why they're spending their own money on their own stuffs is coz dad's no longer around to buy these stuffs for them. Maybe, just maybe, I should be the one getting that Converse for him - that should probably last the next 5 years.

Sibling Telepathy






Brother plays music from his laptop.

"You either switch it off or wear headphones." I wanted to tell him this, but I didn't. He must've heard my thoughts and switched it off some minutes later.

Music was heard from the adjacent room.

"You either switch off the radio or close your door." I wanted to tell her that, but I didn't. Moments later, one of the brothers closed the her door.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Reflections, reflections ...



Anger. If only they learn how to exercise restrain in speech, especially when in anger or in a bad mood. Apologies have depreciated in value over the years.

Patience. Not easy.




Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Ramadhan






Sunday marks the start of the fasting month of Ramadhan.

Sunday night saw me praying at the mosque, next to a guy about my age. He was laughing softly to himself every once in a while, during the prayers itself. At the end of the prayers, his father would remind softly him not to make too much noise during prayers. After every prayers, he would remind his son to follow the Imam and the son would always reply that he will.

2 different lives. I can't help but put myself in their shoes. And reflect. May Allah give them strength and patience, and save them from hellfire.

Monday night saw me going to the kitchen to find my mother cutting vegetables for Sahur in around 4 hours time. Everyone else is asleep. The things mothers do behind the scenes, we often fail to realize. May Allah give her strength and reward her with Jannah for all the sacrifices she has made for the family. May my sister be somewhat like our mother. And may my future partner who's hiding in some corner of the globe be ... well, the best mother ever.

The coming of Ramadhan inevitably reminds me of my late dad. While setting up the table, I'd have to remind myself that we only need five sets of utensils, no longer 6 - even though it has been 5 years. May Allah save him from the trial of the grave and from the punishment of the Fire.

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Dirt






Time and time again, it happens. Then I tell myself that it probably won't happen again. And after a long time, it happens. And I get sick in the stomach.

Words - they comfort and hurt. Others have been hurt by words deemed sarcastic and hurtful, be it in an angry exchange or as a joke. I've also been hurt one too many times by the words of others that I vow never to hurt others with words. It gets rarer to be hurt by words as one gets older. Older people tend to watch their words more, having learnt from past mistakes. Friends get older too, and they tend to fool around with your feelings. And with friends whom you grow old with, they've become like brothers somewhat and you kinda surrender and just accept whatever comes your way.

I'm older now. I carefully arrange my words these days. When these carefully arranged words still get misinterpreted as, say, sarcasm, and when I get shot back with sharp words that hurt, I get sick in the stomach. Maybe I should really just stay within the four blue walls of my room and shut myself out.

"Speak good, or remain silent," may not be enough. Perhaps I should learn how to "Speak only when asked", to further minimize the chance creating misunderstandings. I rather friendships fall apart because of long period of silence than for it to be strained because of silly few exchanges of words.

Time and time again it happens. People just love to burst my comfortable bubble. They like to remind me that in life, you can try all you want to be nice but people will still do as they please. You'll still be stamped on, trampled on and hurt. So why bother be nice? Be normal. But I cant.

I guess that, is a flaw. Sigh. I guess I should tell myself that I'm like earth. People can choose to step on me and treat me as dirt, or use me to help trees grow. Or as backfill for some earth-retaining wall. (:

Dirt I will be. Be good, and pray the wind takes me some place good.

Frustrated



... because I've yet to watch HP 7.2. I've watched 7.1 and would like to wrap the whole Harry Potter saga up!

... because I'm left with 10 episodes of a Korean drama and the streams are starting to give me problems. And the laptop is starting to lag. Stupid spywares.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Facebook



"What's on your mind?"

I've always thought that it'll be cool to be able to read people's mind. To guess. To infer. To observe and attempt to piece clues or non-clues that seems, or made to seem like clues, together. Perhaps it was the influence of shows like PrisonBreak, Lie to Me, Numb3rs, The Mentalist, Criminal Minds and The Listener. It's entertaining - this thinking business.

However, years on, mind reading abilities are no longer required. People's mind can be read as soon as one logs into Facebook. Endless walls of thoughts - it kills my mind - reading the things that are on people's mind. Some thoughts should really stay as thoughts. Rants, frustrations and wishing that you and your ex were still together - thoughts such as these should be bottled up and kept locked up in a chest deeep within your chest.

Yeah, I know. Here I am scribbling my own thoughts and rants and feelings about other people's thoughts and rants and feelings. But here, I'm seeking the attention of few. Heck I might even be talking to myself without me, or you knowing. So it's different.

My point: I hate Facebook's Newsfeed. Minds arent meant to be read. Today, I change my favourite SuperHero ability from telekinesis to teleportation - unless I can control the thoughts I want to hear. Hmm.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Road Ahead ...





Week 8 of Industrial Orientation:

How time flies. I've the opportunity to see how the things that I've learnt in school is being applied at the workplace. And the paths that I can choose to take when I graduate next year, insyaallah. Life as an engineer isn't easy especially for someone with poor engineering fundamentals. I'm not sure if one more year of catch up can adequately prepare me for the working world. This Industrial Orientation has connected me with an individual who is willing to guide and assist me in my journey in the Civil Engineering industry. The future looks bright for those in this field - but the road towards that future will be tough, for me. It requires a lot of effort on my part. I hope I have it in me to see that "happily-ever-after ending" that I've been working towards.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Ah, yes.



Shall try string some words into a little story about the other twin.

The loss of a handphone isn't necessarily a bad thing. Life would've been very very different had I not left that ruby red phone in the public toilet. You know, I've been typing and backspacing for a quite a while now. Perhaps it's coz words will not do the story justice. Or because some things are just better left unwritten. Haha.

So there you go!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

And then there's this other twin ...


... who turns a year older. I'd usually string some nice words together but tonight, like the past 2 nights, I'm feeling very sleepy.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Twins



The twins are almost as tall as me. I thought they'd be turning 17 this December but to my surprise, they'll be 18. The horror. I was 18... like only a couple of years (or so) back. Sigh.

I remember them as the little kids I used to love, the kids whom I used to hug and kiss and say "I love you" anytime I want to every single day, only to be pushed away as soon as they were in the middle of secondary school. Space - I remember wanting my own space too when I was around that age.

I remember how they always talk to one another into the night when they were younger, when we used to share the same bedroom. Funny how up till today, they still talk to one another into the night about school, friends, soccer, anything. They sleep in the living room now. Space - I remember how space wasn't an issue when we were younger.

I remember being there at the hospital when the twins were born. Me and my sister chose one of two to look after. I remember me and my sister standing on one end with the room with the twins on the other end. We'd open our arms wide and see who the twins will run towards and hug.

A few days ago, Mama mentioned that the twins mentioned about pursuing higher education in Marine Engineering at an institute of higher learning in Netherlands. I do not remember them having dreams of pursuing higher education. I remember having hinted/psycho-ed them to work towards a degree but never have they responded positively. Work hard, I told them. I will support.

It strikes me as odd though, that like me, they're not really into the whole boy-girl relationship thingy. Which is a good thing coz Girls = Trouble (well generally it's true).

Tonight's post dedicated to them coz today's the first time in a long time that we went to school/work together. A short 5 minute walks to the train station can evoke many beautiful memories.(:

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I have a habit of ...



... writing, editing and deleting whatever Ive written when it's time to press the "Publish Post" button or the "Create Post" button or the "Ask" button or the "Enter" button. Cause before sharing whatever I have in mind, I'll think about the posts' objectives and possible repercussions. This is an extension of who I am in person. Funny, coz I used to think that in the online world, I can be someone a little different.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I am ...



... legend.

It's been close to 5 years since I last walked to my Quranic class with my brothers. Few remained. One said the legend is back. I was brought back to the time when I used to be one of the few who've read the most number of pages. The rare few who could answer the Ustaz whenever he asks questions relating to Tajwid. Six years on, I could still answer most of them. On the other hand, my brothers and the others whacked whatever answers they could think of. I smiled. Some things never changed. A legend I am, I thought to myself. Alhamdulillah, I could still remember the things I've learnt back then.

Sometimes I wish I could say the same about the things I've learnt in Civil Engineering. Perhaps one day. Perhaps not. But until then, I will keep striving - for both.

Monday, July 4, 2011

I feel stupid ...



.. when I think about the things I think about. It confuses, frustrates and annoys me sometimes when the brain takes a trip down Reason Boulevard.

Q: Why do I think alot?
A: Because for someone like me, thinking is like talking to a friend. However, in this case, you're talking to yourself, quietly, in your mind. All because you prefer to be by yourself than with someone else.

Q: Why do you prefer to be with yourself?
A: I don't know. Genetics?

Q: It's easy to blame it on Genetics. What if it's not a genome thing?
A: I don't know. Perhaps it's written. Fate. Destined.

Q: Can you stop thinking - too much?
A: I can try. But when I do get all spontaneous, I make mistakes. I make a fool of myself. That, I do not want.

Q: Are you a Perfectionist?
A: I'm not. But I try to be as perfect as I can knowing all my imperfections.

Q: Why do you want to be "perfect"?
A: I don't know. Shouldn't we all strive to achieve perfection?






Saturday, July 2, 2011

I feel sad ...



... when I forget to bring the lunch that Mama packed for me to work - knowing that she wakes up extra early just to prepare breakfast and lunch for us children.

I feel happy ..



... when I buy food home and my brothers stop whatever they were doing, look at what I buy and immediately consume it. I'm reminded of when Dad was around. The rare occasion when he returns home from work with a packet of Mee Goreng or two - my favourite- and I think he knows.

Subtly, I'm becoming more like him - the old-fashioned family man.

I get annoyed ...



.... when Mama washes my pillows despite me telling her NOT to. She's the last person in the world I want to get annoyed at, but she leaves me no choice. So I told her in a serious-angry-annoyed-joking tone, "Ma, I've told you countless times and I'm reminding you again: Do NOT wash my pillows. EVER."

She laughed. I can't not be annoyed.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Blogs



Blogs. The individuals. Their stories. Their thoughts. Their feelings.
Blog. This individual. His stories. His thoughts. His feelings.
Blog. That individual. Her stories. Her thoughts. Her feelings.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Camp



When I first signed up, I thought I knew what I was signing up for. I knew there'll be countless meetings and discussions and quarrels and last minute changes but I just wanted to be in a committee to see and feel how it's like to be part of a planning team. It's always easy to find flaws and criticize the past few camps I've been to so I said to myself, let's put myself in a position where I'm the one who'll be criticized. I wanted to see how I will react to the criticisms of others, as well as my own.

I never expected individuals to be brought together in the manner that this camp did. I have always been one who's focuses on the end product. Never been one who bothers about the quality of the journey to attain that end product. So it was definitely a wonderful first. An eye-opener. Slightly bitter but highly sweet memories.

The kids' enthusiasm were awesome. Had I attended such camps when I was younger, perhaps I wouldn't be as withdrawn as I am today. However, I did step out to act in a skit and boy was that crazy to the max. A video was filmed, but I never brought myself to watching myself on video.

This post is extremely turbulent. I hate how it's not a smooth flowing as it used to. I guess that happens when you're in need of rest AND you have not been writing for quite a while. Sigh.

How then, can I move words?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Wedding



Mdm H says I'm her favourite! And a good boy. Mdm B also said I'm a good boy. Hearing such kind words about myself being said to my mother is, weird. I feel so happy like a happy seven year old kid!

But, really, I'm only "a good boy" because He conceals my ugly.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Hmmmm



It has come to my attention that at least one person follows me on my blog so ..... I shall write something. Haha!

Frankly, work has thus far been a pleasure that I hardly spend time thinking about stuffs. When I sleep and I dream, I remember seeing architectural drawings, excavation works and rain. Yes, sadly work has infiltrated my dreams too. I believe once I get the hang of the system and processes of the organization, I'll slow down a lil.

And talking about dreams, I need to find the time to watch Inception.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Industrial O



Alhamdulillah.

I'm so so thankful because work is uber fun. Yes, UBER fun. Probably the first time I'm using the word 'uber' in my entire blogging career. :D

But Im tired and I want to sleep.

Monday, May 23, 2011

If you're reading this ....



Please start learning how to respond and react accordingly to the people around you especially when they're your elders. Only when you demonstrate the ability to respond and react will you start seeing the people around you respond and react to you.

You can't have things your way. There's a way to get things going your way. And to pack up and leave is not the way. That's as good as you flushing the 22 years of heart, blood and sweat that your parents gave to raise you down the toilet.

Watch your words, in moments of anger. Words, when said can never be taken back. Think thrice before speaking your mind. The word sorry is depreciating in value, fast.

May Allah makes us all better parents and children.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

As the clock goes tick tock tick tock....



I woke up. Went out of the bedroom and into the living room. Lied down beside the twin sleeping on the floor. Got up. And showered.

My sister woke up. Went out of the bedroom and into the living room. Lied down beside the twin sleeping on the floor. Got up. And showered.

I remember doing that when the twins were a lot younger. I remember how it went from them hugging me, to me hugging both of them coz one was jealous that I hugged one but not the other, to them pushing me away everytime I tried to hug, to them moving away every time I came to close, to them not moving away so long as I kept my distance.

I don't remember them being as tall as me. Now it's all about stealing those precious moments being by their side as they're sleeping.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Programming



To be standing on the fringe of camps and criticizing the way camps are being run is easy. Too easy. I had the opportunity to observe 3 camps from 3 different point of views: that of a logistical helper, a station master and a facilitator.

To finally be part of a camp's programming team was a natural progression. And I must say that after much observation, it's no easy feat. The amount of hours that goes into planning and replanning due to changes after changes is ... wow. Long day today. Too long, I feel. Some things don't feel right but I just cant seem to pinpoint where exactly. I've yet to piece the different pieces of the jigsaw together. Time's not on my side given the fact that work starts in 2 days time.

Will see what what happens over the course of the next 3 weeks.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Blast from the Past #3





Pokemon - Gotta catch em all! Until they added more and more Pocket monsters into the picture. The brain could only remember 151 names.

One word: Weird. Why am I not surprised that 10 years on, people still call me weird. Am I really that ... weird?

I guess 10 years ago, I was pretty much Mama's boy. When I chose to play soccer after school at the nearby basketball court, I made sure I left by 3pm. I made sure my uniform isnt too wet. I made sure I didnt overuse the "I had NCC meeting" excuse.

And I believe no one would have imagined me and Shris playing soccer on a weekly basis at the centre of midfield when we're 24.

Sigh a happy sigh. Those were the days. (:

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Death



So, the exams are over. A week's break before Industrial Orientation begins.

Just thinking about things as I hop around the Net. One thought that screams louder than the rest is the thought about death. Live like we're dying, says Kris Allen. I wanna do that. I wanna forget about exams.

I wanna do good and die the next day.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

3rd Year: Same Story





1 day 16 hours 44 minutes to the end of my 3rd year in NTU.

Exams have never been my forte. I simply do not know why the brain refuse to commit formulas and concepts to memory. I'm at the point when Im starting to ask myself the same old question of what I wanna do with my life, where I'll be in 5 years time, where can I go once I'm done with university.

This semester, I learn that everything comes from Allah, and that includes the motivation and drive to succeed. During the first half of the semester, I find myself enjoying my solitude. I was focussed, I could juggle my time well, and I even managed to memorize a new surah. I even did pretty well for my quizzes. However as the semester wore on, I felt as though I owed my little success to my ability to manage my time, my diligence, perseverance and having a good circle of friends around me. Ignorance got the better of me.

One by one, I felt as though those abilities of mine were slowly being taken away from me for reasons I should know.

I felt how it's like to be super productive this semester. But I also felt how it's like to have so much time in my hands yet the only thing I can do is to watch time pass me by, slowly. The strength and perseverance and diligence simply vanished. The circle of friends slowly went separate ways. Life is full of ups and downs. Ive been experiencing the ups and the downs for God knows how many years yet, I subject myself to the same old cycle again and again and again.

God, when am I going to learn my lesson.

A part of me feels that the 3 weeks break from APEX played a role in this downfall of mine. I was missing the company of good people, good kids, good intentions. It might be a little too late to do anything about it given that I'm 48hours away from my one one-week break. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. It always does. However, I do hope that these little hiccups that I'm experience during my schooling days will one day shape me into a somewhat decent guy in future.

All these years have confirmed that I make a bad student, but I'm still trying to figure out what Im good at.

Blast from the Past #2





He's the only one who thinks that the reason why I'm less active on Facebook is because I've found a girlfriend and because of that, I ignore my close friends. What a way to break the monotony of studying! Girlfriend? Not ready yet. I hope I've made it clear to him that if I do end up with someone, I will inform him first, and then ignore him. HAH.

So it's been close to 11 years since I know the fella. Trust me, it's full of ups and downs. But it's not always that a friendship last for so long and still goes on strong. This coming exams do not look too good despite the fact that Im only sitting for 3 papers. Somewhere along the way, I mustve lost sight of my target. Perhaps it was complacency.

I'm stressed, yes. But for some reason, I just keep everything hidden and bottled up because negativity begets negativity and I do not want to affect the happiness of others. And not so strangely, I love listening to the problems and rants of others coz I know the moment everything is out of their system, they'll feel better. And when they feel better, I feel better knowing I helped somewhat. Not everyone has this in-built blackhole that destroys angst, negativity and everything in between.

The loner, never feels he is alone. Coz he knows there are people who care.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mothers Day






On Mothers Day, I ended up giving dear Mama a lecture on love, children and mothers and how Mothers Day is overrated and not to be jealous about other mothers being treated to dinners and gifts and stuffs.

But she knows that I was simply trying to wish her Happy Mothers Day and that I love her.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Blast from the Past #1





Because I have distanced myself from talking politics (because the exams are coming, and because I said I'll post them up here), I shall slowly try to revert back to my old reflecting self. And what better way to do that then to take a trip down memory lane.

It has been 6 years, yet the communication between us remained more or less stagnant. It's somewhat like the level of communication between me and my dad - even when I dream of my dad, it's either very little or no communication at all. Sad, but that's the story of our life. Anws, communication has always been through different means like the occasional shouting match or the long silence. Oh wells, one of us has to start growing up and I foresee that'll probably only happen when she gets married. So, I'll live with it.

6 years. Still no girlfriend. So no green light for her to have a boyfriend. She'll probably have to wait at least one more year when Im done with boring mugging, settled with a stable job with enough money to go around. Now, that'll be a very interesting time for me. The transition from romantic comedy films to reality. Kinda tired of hearing people telling me that I'm too afraid of rejections, not daring and stuffs.

Really, it's about the right time when everything in life has more or less fallen nicely into place. This is testimonial #1.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Death of Writing.... Really?





I think I'm gonna take back my words.

Without realising, I've been thinking A LOT and writing A LOT. Thinking used to be about the dream girl, distractions, bits on school and stuffs. But recently, thinking has entered the world of politics!

Talking about politics on this blog isn't really a wise idea. But I've been talking and reading and commenting about politics on Facebook. And studying a little here and there. I'm (still) unhappy that the people up there chose to put the elections right smack between NUS and NTU exams. Suspiciously fishy, but that's the scene here in Singapore.

Like the revolution in the Middle East, a change seems to be in motion here. It's moving to say the least. People around me are very much aware of the going ons, thanks to Facebook. Some are not thinking or commenting as maturely as I feel they should, but they're special and cooler that way. Which also makes me special and cooler. Yeah.

Singaporeans complain. And through complains, one need to identify the root of that complain and find a solution to it. To me, every complain is a treasure. It gives me the opportunity to analyse, identify and think of a solution. I'm really loving it - this General Election.

A small part of me thinks that an even smaller part of me would love the chance to be paid $15,000 to listen to problems, solve them and make people happy. Thus why I used to want to be a counsellor or a teacher. Perhaps, one day a politician.

The death of writing, really? Who am I kidding?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Death of Writing



The Singapore General Election 2011.

Examinations are round the corner. Exactly 15 days.

Facebook and Tumblr are making me lose touch with my thoughts and writings. Not a good sign.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Time, flies





It's starting to get a tad too quiet. 4 weeks 4 days to my first paper. 4 weeks 5 days to my last paper. 10 weeks Industrial Orientation begins shortly after. Following which, my final year in university, insyaallah.

O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your will.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Thoughts



Sometimes,
little events,
little little things that people say,
jokingly or not,
mostly jokingly,
but you know I feel about jokingly,
that it often always mean seriously subconsciously,
blurted out unknowingly,
but obviously,
to me.

Most time,
I'm wrong. But who cares?
No one does, coz if they do,
wouldn't they have watched what they say,
or do?

Yeah,
these little things,
make me retreat into my dark little cave and hide for days, weeks;
Sighs,
7 days of not writing usually means,
no thoughts, lots of thoughts,
kept all to myself.

Things are all fine,
and happy,
and dandy,
but for how long,
can one hide behind a facade,
behind one mask,
after another mask,
after another mask,
you get the idea.

Be calm,
prayers,
give good advice,
a pure mind,
a pure heart,
but then we fall,
and hide in our caves,
ashamed,
because we find it so hard to be good,
because we question ourselves,
by asking questions like why try so hard to avoid music,
when many others are not,
coz afterall, there's nothing wrong,
right?

Frankly,
I don't know,
for music, I,
just hate it when it gets stuck in the head,
hate how it distracts me,
how not listening to music for a fair while suddenly,
made me click on one link after another,
and another,
like as though,
I'm in total control,
I'm free,
to do as I please,
but really I'm not,
coz I consistently think about the can, cannot, better not to,
and so on.

And how I miss conversations,
and talking,
and how I fear talking,
all because of the little things,
the little little things that people always say,
or do,
without,
thinking about how,
the other person might feel,
or do,
as a result of what they say,
or do.

I really do.

Thoughts,
they get pretty circular sometimes,
most times in fact,
and when they do,
that's when I know,
I'm ending.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

They are but a trial





"Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward."



Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Freedom



Your elder brother is as good as dead.
The freedom you seek, take it.


Today, I question the role of the father, a mother, a brother and the child in the family. Is the parent and the child equal? Does being the father equates to automatic respect of the child? Does the child have the right to disrespect the elders? When does a child stops asking for permission? What right does a parent have to impose their decision on the child?

I gave it some thought and my arguments became circular. The breaking of a family unit, to me, is a calamity. I've always generalised that single-parent families tend to be problematic. While I do not intend to self-prophecise my generalisation, sometimes, some things are just beyond our control

No kind of calamity can occur, except by the leave of Allah: and if any one believes in Allah, (Allah) guides his heart (aright): for Allah knows all things. (64:11)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

45 days ago...



... I wrote an entry titled, "I'm Judgmental. Don't judge me."

"I've been writing a mouthful of late coz being alone forces me into conversations with myself about things in random and we begin to deconstruct whatever or whoever that comes to mind.

Today, after one of such deconstructions, I realize how bothered I can get when people judge my sincerity - especially when I'm actually very very sincere about helping."


I see a pattern. I see a problem. Still figuring a permanent solution for many more will continue to judge me. Being annoyed, irritated or bothered is simply not worth it. It only fuels anger, hatred and animosity and these feelings never do anyone any good.

It was a mistake to be annoyed and irritated. I shouldn't have bothered to explain myself. I should have simply walked away. That's what I'll do should it ever happen again.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

3 days ago...



.. I wrote:

"Today, I realized that the blogger me is making himself known. I'm letting people know what I'm thinking. Sometimes, some ask me about my thoughts on certain things. I'm starting to talk. Alhamdulillah. A part of me is afraid that this "newer" side of me will hurt the feelings of others through the things that I say. I hope I'll remember to speak good, or simply remain silent. And if I do not, please, remind me."

3 days later, what I wrote came true. It sucks when I somehow manage to prove my own prediction right. I was gonna go back into my cave when a fellow extraverted introvert advised me not to. It is true how we'll never be able to please everybody. And that if we like doing what we're doing, we should never let others stop us from doing the things we love.

On Judging Others



Never judge the intentions of others. Judge mine at your own risk.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

On Reflection



I remember writing because I remember being the guy with few words. I found it easier to express myself through writing. In 2009, I remember writing about unreal realism. I asked myself if it's possible for my online persona to meet my offline persona.

Today, I realized that the blogger me is making himself known. I'm letting people know what I'm thinking. Sometimes, some ask me about my thoughts on certain things. I'm starting to talk. Alhamdulillah. A part of me is afraid that this "newer" side of me will hurt the feelings of others through the things that I say. I hope I'll remember to speak good, or simply remain silent. And if I do not, please, remind me.

As such, I'm doing more and more reflecting with other people through conversations in real life. I'm starting to find myself reflecting on issues without the need to write them out. What used to be a mess of messy thoughts are messy no more. I pray things will change for the better.

I plan to write something every 2 weeks or so. Take note! (:

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Speak good or ...



Abu Hurairah (RA) reported words of Prophet (SAW):

‘Whosoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, then let him speak good or remain silent.’

[Saheeh Al-Bukhaaree]


2 remaining midterms on the way. Recess week awaits!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

No one gave you the right to hurt



Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections is where you'll find my, well, thoughts and reflections on anything and everything.

Writing allows me to navigate through the mess in my head and tackle the root of the problems. Before something gets published, entries go through layers of checks. After publishing, I'll read it a couple more times to see if all the words fall in the right places.

And when I read, I'll make sure that my words do not hurt. (Henceforth is a reminder to myself, and to whoever's reading.) This blog may be a personal space but you and I both know that privacy cease to exist when you enter the world wide web. Friends, and friends-to-be, drop by - especially those whom you share your blog with. And these individuals have personal spaces too. These individuals have feelings - feelings that ought to be respected no matter how bad you as the writer is feeling.

For the world doesn't revolve around the self. It revolves around our relationship with God, and with the people around us. And remember that no one has the right to hurt the feelings of others.

Guarding one's speech is so important that Muslims will be held accountable for everything they say: "Not a word does he (or she) utter but there is a watcher by him ready (to record it)" (Quran 50:18)

And for the hurt, remember the following: "Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Le Voyageur (The Traveler)





I've added a new tab above called Life and Islam: Through my eyes. It's a new space that I created on Tumblr to dump heavier thoughts regarding life and Islam.

Inspiration was what I prayed for in my previous post. Just so you know, Monday's like daisies. Tuesday's a rose, alhamdulillah. If I'm not here, I'm there, somewhere, on a journey.

For I've decided to be in this world as a traveler.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Motivation. The lack of it.



Dear God,

I'm in need of inspiration,
Suffering from a lack of motivation.

I can't explain this situation that I'm in,
But I know that strength lies somewhere within.

Find that inner strength I will, if You will,
Dear heart, be still.

Know that nothing is easy except what He have made easy.
Nothing is easy except what He have made easy.
Please make the difficult easy.



Time. Till next time.



By Al-'Asr (the time),
Verily! Man is in loss,
Except those who believe and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth, and recommend one another to patience.

...Surah Al-Asr

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Crangst






For reasons I still can't explain, I was cranky and angsty yesterday.

I've been trying to figure out the cause of my crankiness. I failed miserably. Was it the moment when I pulled the receipt from the atm and saw the amount? Was it the trance-like rhythm of the gamelan? The hitting high and low notes on the metallic keys in repeated cycles might have evoked some angst.

Or was it my thoughts? As the day went on, I found myself waist deep in my thoughts as I pondered on my essays, reading and writing down ideas. Perhaps I was so absorbed thinking about verses and hadiths and the legality of Music in Islam that little things began to annoy me. Maybe that's it.

Behind every blush lies crangst.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

On Destiny



No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.
Umar Ibn al-Khattab R.A




People can say as they please for I have found my answer.

Note: ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (583 - 643 CE), was the second of the Rightly Guided Khalifas in Islamic history. He was a Companion of the Holy Prophet Muhammad and was one of the ‘Ashratun-Mubashshirah, i.e. those ten Companions who had been given the glad tidings of belonging to Paradise. (source)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Give up?



Yes, I give up - trying to be like the people around me to fit in.

And it's all thanks to one who really listens and understands. It feels so nice to be heard and understood for a change. She even remembers the SMS I sent her more than a year ago and how it made her laughed. Despite zero communication since then, I had the best conversation for the longest of time. I do not need to ask her out for movies or send her home. We just clicked.

She has her flaws but I find myself only seeing everything else that makes her sowonderful. She said some nice words that lifted me somewhat. She told me not to be influenced by my friends but rather, be the one who influences. Why care about what others think when they aren't the least bit interested to understand you? There's bound to be one that does, eventually. There's no hurry. Meanwhile, make your family happy.

So I told her I wish I could meet someone like her. Younger. A lot younger.

I thanked the nice old lady and said my goodbyes. I told her I do not know when I'll drop her a visit, a call, or an sms. But said that while she may be of sight, she'll never be out of mind.

Today, I took one step out of my comfort zone. The feeling's nice.

Sometimes, I wish someone would ...



...just kill me already. I give up.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Step outside...




My writes come in an assortment of flavours. Some make me pleased with myself. Some make me wanna wear a paperbag over my head. But they are my writings nonetheless and they tell me the kind of mood I was in at the point of writing.

Writing thoughts out allows me to step outside my physical body and understand the different sides of me.

I was on the train to school this morning. As I played a staring game with the sun, I told myself that maybe, just maybe, the reason why I write so much is because it gives me the feeling that someone is looking out for me, understands me, cares for me, loves me. And that someone is me. Hence why I mentioned sthg about a paperbag. I know how self-love can be irritating for some. haha! Anws, do keep in mind that this is just a random thought as I was playing a staring game with the sun on the train on my way to school this morning, yeah?

xoxo

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Oh Mother... Part 2







Oh Mother,

We woke up as though yesterday never happened. Over breakfast, you told me stories about your day. I analysed and gave my thoughts away. You even made reference to what I said the other day - regarding personalities and how we're all different, but it's all okay.

My brothers woke up. They had their breakfast as you talked about love - all the good, the bad and ugly that come with tt little thing called love. I listened attentively from the comforts of my room. It seems that you too were close with someone but your mother said no. You listened and let him go. You said you were sad but knew things will get better. It always does. That's life through your eyes. He got married soon after. You then met our father. Here we all are, many years later.

Oh Mother,

You then asked the brothers a rhetorical question, "What is cinta?"

From the corner of my room, as I type, I realize that's the question I should be asking myself: "What is cinta?" Then comes the dilemma - does one marry someone he loves or loves someone he marries. Guess I'll love whoever I marry, if I eventually do, insyallah.

Oh Mother,

You too said that before one thinks of marriage, one should have a couple of tens of thousands as spare change - at least! You scare us about the money involved when it comes to buying a house, having a child and the in betweens. For that, we're thankful. We'll be no fools and we'll try not to make anyone feel like one. We're definitely thinking (twice, even thrice), before we entertain the thought of falling.

Oh Mother,

Behind your endless nags lie endless priceless advice for us all. Time and time again, we fail to see this. Time and time again, we fall. We fail to see that you're not giving up on us no matter what we say or do. And I pray that we'll never give you a chance to.

Ya Allah,
Rendahkanlah suara kami bagi ibu kami
Perindahlah ucapan kami di depannya
Lunakkanlah watak-watak kami terhadapnya
dan
Lembutkan hati kami untuknya.

Ya Allah,
Berilah ibu dan arwah ayah kami balasan yang sebaik-baiknya,
atas didikan mereka pada kami,
dan Pahala yang besar bagi mereka,
atas kesayangan yang mereka limpahkan padaku,
peliharalah mereka sebagaimana mereka telah memeliharaku.

Ya Allah,
Apa saja gangguan yang telah mereka rasakan
atau
kesusahan yang mereka deritakan kerana kami,
atau
hilangnya sesuatu hak mereka kerana perbuatan kami,
jadikanlah itu semua penyebab susutnya dosa-dosa mereka
dan
bertambahnya pahala kebaikan mereka,
dengan perkenan-Mu ya Allah,
hanya
Engkaulah yang berhak membalas kejahatan
dengan kebaikan berlipat ganda.

Sesungguhnya
Engkaulah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.



Friday, February 4, 2011

Oh Mother...



"We have enjoined on man and woman (to be good) to his/her parents; show gratitude to Me and to thy parents; to Me is (thy final) Goal. If they (parents) strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love)" (31:14-15)

A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim)

"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood' "(17:23-24)


As the clock struck 11pm, the four of us wondered where our mother was. She went out earlier in the afternoon with some of the aunts and we kinda expected her to be back by 11pm latest. We got kinda worried. What if she fainted along the way back? Robbed or stabbed? And then we heard her salam.

She entered the house. Some small talks. Followed by endless naggings (the house wasnt exactly neat and tidy) and naturally, unnecessary rude reactions from all four of us. I'd like to think that such reactions make me human but ... sigh.

Some mornings, during breakfast, I'd deconstruct my sister for my mum. As I seek to understand her, I hope my mum do too. I find that one tries hard to be nice while the other just don't seem to be bothered. Sometimes, I too analyze my mum somewhat. I told her that she ought to choose her words carefully coz sometimes, her words only evokes rage in the people around her ie. us. And if I were to analyze my brothers, I'd say that they ought to understand and conform to our mother's style and not the other way round. Or should it be the other way round? I don't know. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up coz it's just so hard.

I don't think Im doing my job right as the eldest. And if i can't do this right, how can I do any other thing right? This feeling sucks - especially when I know mothers should be treated alot better.

Maybe...





Brownian Motion





When many random thoughts collide, they get all messed up. Nothing gets written.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Week 2: A New Beginning





The end of a story usually marks the beginning of another.

However, it's one that I'll keep to myself. Sweet distractions, no more.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

When you wait for eventually...





"Why wait for eventually? If you have something to say, you should say it right now."


Dear Alexa,

Sometimes certain people wait for eventually to see if she's really really really "The One". Because it's always best to say something only when you're truly truly truly ready and that's eventually. And when eventually comes and she isn't with anyone, she's gonna be the one. But if she is, then she isn't. Complex? Well that's what certain complex people believe in.

And when it turns out she's with someone, they'll feel a little bit sucky at first coz it'll mark the end of a story. But they'll be all fine and cheery coz it only means that a new story awaits.

Such certain people also try their best not to think about the "what-might-have-been"s if they had stumbled upon your video a year earlier... and said something then rather than eventually. Dwelling on the past isn't what we do. We quickly learn and move on. But, you're too young to understand. One day you will.

Be a good girl. I can tell that your dad loves you. Love him too.

From your #1 fan,
M

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm Judgmental. Don't judge me.




4 school days have passed and I feel like a student on exchange. Most friends are having their industrial attachment so I'm pretty much on my own most of the time. Their absence however has led to an increase in communication with people whom I don't usually talk to. So perhaps, subconsciously, I'm looking for other avenues of communication. Writing's fun only when done in moderation.

I've been writing a mouthful of late coz being alone forces me into conversations with myself about things in random and we begin to deconstruct whatever or whoever that comes to mind.

Today, after one of such deconstructions, I realize how bothered I can get when people judge my sincerity - especially when I'm actually very very sincere about helping.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Bully and the Bullied




The other aspect of theory of mind is empathizing. This also involves representing the mental state of others, but in the particular case where that mental state is an emotion. By empathizing with another's emotion, we are potentially affected by it too. Empathizing is what we do when we say, "I can imagine how awful that felt".

......"Personality: What makes you the way you are" by Daniel Nettle


The bully will always remain a bully.

The bullied will always remain the bullied - if that makes the bully happy. The bullied is an empathizer. He feels for the bully.

For the first time, I believe I can pin point a significant event from my past that might have unlocked this personality of mine. I remember walking back home from school when I was probably eight - alone. I felt a push from the back. I fell. Several kicks later, he ran away.

I didn't feel much pain coz he probably kicked my bag. Or perhaps, the fetal position I was in absorbed the impact somewhat.

I remember picking myself up. I straightened my uniform and made my way back home. I don't remember feeling much of a shock. I definitely wasn't going to tell my mum. I never told anyone. I saw him around in school but never confronted him for it. Afterall, he was tall for an eight year old.

The mind must've woken up that day. I wondered what wrong I did to deserve the push and the kicks. I was eight for goodness sake - probably the nicest kid around. I wondered why he did what he did. Because I could come up with no reason for his actions, I pitied him. I forgave him. I pretended it never happened.

I feel good when others feel good. But I guess, sadly, for some, they feel good when others do not. It sucks but that's nature.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Out of Words. Me, really?



The more I talk to people, the less I talk to myself, the less I write.

But the more I talk to people, the more I feel as though I'm part of a larger society. Many someones out there know a tiny part of my story. Slowly, if this continues, I forsee that I might stop writing altogether.

Hmmm...

Okay. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just too excited about spending the last hours of the holidays thinking about the things I wanna do that I do not have much time left to drown in my thoughts and write. (Yeah, mainly I just think about what to do and the day's more or less over. I exaggerate.)

More to come when school starts. When I start seeing people and feeling new feelings. Old feelings. Who knows....

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Out of Words



The more I talk to people, the less I talk to myself, the less I write.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Time Traveller




Results are out and it disturbs me that top students are crying over their grades and I.... I'm just thankful I came out of it alive.

Perhaps I'm one of those guys who have small dreams. One who just wanna be in this world as though he's a traveller. Afterall, we're not gonna be in this world for long. I think about the past, wonder about the future and everything else in between and I ask myself, what's my purpose in life.

Watching The Time Traveller's Wife made life seem short. One moment ure in 1995 and the next moment, u find yourself lying on the floor with a bullet in your stomach breathing your last few breaths. So am I living life as it should be lived?

I don't know. I don't even know if I think about the right things! I wonder if people my age ask themselves the same questions that I do.

And Happy Birthday Adik. Your sacrifices will never go unnoticed. You gotta wait a little longer for that Coach or LV bag that you wanted. And in time, it's your turn to relax and my turn to support. In a year's time, insyaallah.