Sunday, August 11, 2013

Thoughts and Reflections

Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections

I can't quite recall when I renamed the blog as such. But it has definitely been a while. I've been told many times that I think too much. I overthink. I think too far. I think too deep. I've been reminded that while thinking is good, I should not overdo it. I should keep things simple. Today, my aunt told me that. The fact that she could "analyze" me despite not spending much time with me speaks a lot about my over thinking. The thinking shall be restricted to the online world and should not be made too obvious in the real world.

We were talking about when I'll find my jodoh when I started to gave a list of excuses with weak supporting explanations. Dear me, please keep replies to one or two lines. Else u may come across as being too defensive, or one who thinks and overread too much.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Chasing Ramadhan

Chasing Ramadhan was what I did on the 28th and 29th night of Ramadhan in an attempt to make up for the past days that were lost due to worldly matters. But then again, it would be unfair to blame it on worldly matters when the problem actually lies within me. For I've been too passive. I've been thinking but never putting plans to action.

Took leave 2 days before Eid. A quick text to a brother for qiyam. He had plans. Another text to another brother. Soon I found myself at Masjid Sultan. I had planned to qiyam on all 10 nights but only found myself on the last 9th night. Went to an organisation in Eunos and another in Pasir Ris to help Mama pay her zakat harta coz that's where she wanted her money to go to. Took a long bus ride to grandma's place to just be by her side and bore her with my "melodious" recitation voice. Sigh, if there's one thing I envy this Ramadhan, it's the voices of the imams and muezzins and their ability to memorise surahs. I've been rotating between Ar-Rahman and Surah Mulk for the past couple of years. I forget one after the other.

Organised a random buka at Mak Long's with a cousin. It's been a long while since I saw them both. Caught up with the cousin who shared about his marriage plans and how he met the girl and the difficulties they've discussed about -like what if he had to leave for overseas for work. Never saw my cousin as one who is forward thinking but I guess he's one who dares to commit and make things work out instead of sitting back and thinking without making any moves or commitment fearing the potential disagreements that may or may not arise. *wake up, marzuki*

 Persuaded him to follow me to Masjid Ahmad Ibrahim for the last night. He agreed and shared how he's been doing qiyam at home the past 2 weeks without fail except the 27th coz he slept right through. I felt worst. My cousin did more qiyam than me. *quit judging, marzuki*

It was a good quiet night. It drizzled thru the night. The mind was pointing to signs of lailatulqadr, but having been slacking for the most of Ramadhan, a part of me didn't feel deserving of it. Slept. woke up an hour later. Prayed and made long duas. Read the quran. Made zikr. And more last minute dua till the azan for fajr was called. Could somehow hear ssomeone announced "Pens down. Please stop writing." The last night. The final chase. May He understand that I am weak and gives me an opportunity to learn from my weakness the next Ramadhan.

Woke up at 11am. Nice to wake up within the walls of a mosque. Reminded of the nights in masjidil haram and the awkward moments when you realize that the once empty space around you are filled with people who arrived for fajr prayers.

A verse caught my eye. A pick-up line pops up in my mind:

"Assalamualaikum. In surah Al-Hujuraat verse 13, it was mentioned we were made into nations and tribes so that we may know one another. So when I first saw you queuing for the food during sahur tadi, I was hoping that you would allow me to know you."

Too wordy. Perhaps next time, I could write it on a piece of paper and ask a brother to help me pass to her during sahur. Too cowardly. Perhaps next time..

Eid Mubarak!