The Paper Chase

Post O-Level, I went to a junior college and studied in the Science stream instead of Arts despite scoring well for my Arts subjects. I opted for pragmatism instead of idealism. Some how, growing up, my teachers have given me the impression that guys usually study engineering and that an engineering degree opens up many doors. I scraped through.

Post A-Level, I contemplated my next step. Having scraped through my A-levels Physics and Chemistry, I realized that I might have made a mistake studying Science. I toyed with the idea of Psychology, teaching, Social Work and sociology - artsy stuffs that seemed interesting. Studying people and trends seemed interesting to me, as opposed to studying more maths and physics and engineering stuffs. Yet 4 years ago, I was told that I wouldn't be well paid if I were to be a social worker. I had no idea where sociologists end up. And that Psychologists had to study up to Masters to be recognized ... or something like that. So engineering it was. Artsy courses took the remaining few choices in my application form. I secretly wished I got into an Artsy course. Yet somehow, I managed to secure a place in Civil Engineering. Very thankful, for many others fail to get a place despite getting better grades.

Each year in NTU, the grass always seemed and felt greener on the other side. NIE seemed like a wonderful place to be in and I saw myself being a happier person as a teacher than an engineer. Years went by and I told myself I was gonna be a teacher when I graduate. But things changed in my 3rd year of study: During my Industrial Orientation, my supervisor managed to convince me to give Engineering a shot. Along came my final year. Like many of my peers, I started looking for job opportunities. I looked at organizations like LTA, HDB, BCA, private main contractors, Keppel, Sembcorp and many others. I knew of the long working hours and the 6 days week but the high pay attracted me. Again, it seemed as though I was opting for pragmatism instead of idealism.

Year 4 Semester 2. Just a month before the exam, I looked through the list of e-mails sent by the school.

Looking for Singaporean Site Engineer. Project Engineer. Rail Engi. Production En. Design. Struc...

MOE. Career Talk. PE teacher. Avoid it like how you avoided your crush, I told myself. 21 March came. 10 mins to the career talk and I find myself sipping Ice Lemon Tea. A friend appeared and asked me why I was just sitting and staring into thin air. I mentioned something about just thinking about nothing and the career talk. He said he was heading there too.

An hour and a half later, the mind changed it's mind again. Teaching PE seemed like something I'd enjoy doing. And if I were to indeed become a PE teacher, I realized I could afford myself the time to pursue a Masters in Social Work at UniSIM so that I could be a social worker when the scene improves in the distant future. Just ideas I'm currently toying with. Some how, I find myself at the end of a full circle. Perhaps, pragmatism and idealism can co-exist afterall. Perhaps one day, I'll be that teacher I've always wanted to be. Perhaps too, a social worker trying to solve an intractable social problem through a pattern-breaking change. That would probably be my idea of a happy ending to this fairy tale I'm trying to live... if i get shortlisted and pass the interview that is.

8 years on, it seems I'm still pretty much the same person, still chasing the same dreams.

Every action has an unequal and opposite reaction.

Sometimes, it's easier (and probably encouraged) to be silent than to speak your mind coz you'll never know when your words might hurt or offend. So thoughts usually remain as thoughts until I can mentally arrange them into careful words. But sometimes, just sometimes, I like to experiment by speaking my thoughts out loud just to get some immediate feedback. People say Im too reflective.

One day, I shall find a quiet corner and write a page or two or three about why I'm such a reflective person.

The Climb

I guess I can safely say that I've learnt that life will always be filled with ups and downs. Nothing said or done can be unsaid or undone. We forgive and be forgiven.We move on. We vow never to repeat the same mistakes again. We vow to change.

We then pick ourselves up once more. And live life better than the one we used to live.

Life's Memorable Moment

Saturday mornings spent mentoring young kids at the nearby madrasah are time well spent, alhamdulillah.

The kids are cute, adorable and their personal stories are just so priceless and heartwarming. Talking to the kids as and when I have the chance always opens up an untapped section of the heart which in turn sets the brain into producing endless train of thoughts. The floodgate of emotions opens and for some reason, I feel emotional.

Abang, where do you stay?

I stay in Sembawang. Why do you ask?

How did you get here? MRT and bus?

Yes.

Then why were you late? I stay in Tampines and reached here at 7. I wake up early, pray subuh cepat-cepat, run to the nearest bus stop to catch the 6:02am bus. And then midway, I'll change to another bus at 6:24am and reach the school at 7am.

His story on punctuality and how much effort he puts in to be punctual or early for class was a reminder for me and the amount of effort I put in for the stuffs I participate in. Granted 735am is not too late considering that we're supposed to reach at 730am, but still... Also, I watched somewhere in a movie that one of the ways for teachers/mentors to build bonds with the kids is by getting them to teach you something in return. They teach, I teach, we learn from each other. They'll be teaching me some Arabic phrases.

At the end of the day, I had the opportunity to spend 20mins on a journal writing activity. Having thought of a million and one topics that I could do with the kids, I chose the title: "I remember... Life's Memorable Moments." What happened during that 20mins will definitely be one of my Life's Memorable Moments. A story to be shared in another entry perhaps.

It's puzzling how I feel more attached to these kids than to siblings of my own. My siblings were once like the kids at the madrasah, but as they grow older, they become bolder and prefers their own space. Perhaps being the eldest, I do not know how it feels to be disturbed or loved (irritatingly) by someone older than me. Anyways...

.. however puzzling I may feel, I pray that I'll be a good son to my mother, a good brother to my siblings, a good mentor to my kids, and a good friend to my friends.

After 17 days, I write once more.

Hidup dalam ketakutan,
Hidup berlandaskan al-Quran.

I do not know why but the mind formed those couple of lines as I fell asleep last night. Earlier this afternoon, it was mentioned that the fear of Allah and the love of Allah are two paths that will take one to the same destination. However, it was said that the former may leave a negative psychological impact. I paused, and reflected. I'm reminded of the verse in surah Ar-Rahman verse 46 which means:

"Dan orang yang takut akan keadaan dirinya di mahkamah Tuhannya (untuk dihitung amalnya), disediakan baginya dua Syurga."

"But for he who has feared the position of his Lord are two gardens."

Thinking about it, I can't help but feel like I'll never be capable of loving. Or maybe I do, but I show it through fear - the fear of deviating from the straight path, the fear of allowing myself to be excessively distracted by unimportant worldly issues and such.

Or in some distant imaginary worldly relationship, the fear of losing someone whom I've yet to even say hi to.

Sigh,

It's been many days since I last wrote something. It seems that once the exams are over, I've been spending more time away from the Internet. Most days I find myself in school doing my final year project, at my grandma's place, playing floorball and soccer, learning how to drive a car, watching movies (online) and stuffs. For some reason, I wish I could get into Ramadhan rhythm and spend more time with the Quran. For some reason, it's been an eventful 17 days but the heart feels empty.

In a constant state of evaluation

"Working under pressure is frustrating.

Group work is fun when members are cooperative, understanding and helpful. But when members take the easy way out by not being constructive and letting you solve the group's problem, it's infuriating. I then console myself by thinking: In the working world, you will never end up in your dream team. So deal with it.

11pm and I was still in school. Wrapped up the last discussion of the day, emailed our FYP Project Plan to the prof, and rushed back home. Last train was at 11.37pm from Pioneer to Jurong East MRT. Time I reached Pioneer MRT was 1130pm.

12 midnight. Sat opposite two guys. In baju kurung. Sighs, if only.

1230am. Mama managed to pull out a plate of rice, lauk lemak, sambal udang, plain naan and garlic naan from her magic hat. She and the brothers joined me for dinner. United versus Juventus was on TV.

Pressure. It dissipates. So don't allow yourself to be bothered by pressure. Deal with it and push on. I felt like cursing anyone who wasn't being helpful. I felt like crying. I felt like walking away and go on a holiday to some pulau. And then I'm reminded of the engineer at work who could juggle meetings, site inspections and personal admin matters with ease. I consoled myself, again: This is in preparation for the working world. If you don't have the grades, you gotta be hardworking.

140am. Time. 12 hours was spent in school doing school related stuffs. This made me ask myself if Im setting aside enough time for Him aside from the usual obligations. Having spent so much time just on school, the least I could do is to perform the sunnah prayers before/after every obligatory prayers. And to memorize a surah. Perhaps, fast for six days. And revise whatever's that been taught on Saturday's Quranic Arabic class. Yet none of these amount to the 12 hours spent in school or school's stuffs."

I was in the midst of writing the above 5 days ago when I fell asleep. I woke up, alive and ready for a new day, and saw the above unpublished entry. The title I had given it was "Pressure". I looked at the "Publish Post" button. And clicked the X button on the top right cornet of my Chrome window. I went to school. To say nothing is a flower, according to a Jap proverb, and a flower I shall try be.

Tonight, I realised I've not written for quite some time simply because days ended crazily late and I was just too tired. And tonight, looking back at what was written 5 days ago, I shake my head and smile for having written so much just because I was under pressure from school work. I could say that I'm blissfully trapped in a constant state of evaluation.

Looking back. Looking forward. Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections.

The Pursuit of Happyness

No man's an island. Even the strongest of person need a shoulder to lean on once in a while.

The Prophet had circles of friends. There's a small inner circle and a larger circle around this inner circle. His character, his influence, his conduct, his stories and my lack of knowledge. It's about time I read about his story and start emulating his traits one by one. Life's too short and I shouldn't allow the mind to be occupied by too much worldly stuffs. Still in pursuit of that elusive balance. I want to die in the midst of preparing for death.

Eid 2011

Salaam,

Eid this year feels different. For some reasons I don't feel as happy as I was when I was younger. Maybe coz life's less fun when one gets older. Maybe it's the school assignments and tasks due that's lingering at the back of my head. Maybe it's the transition from Ramadhan routine to one that's a little different (if I allow it to differ). Or maybe sebab tak dapat duit raya.

It feels different coz I do not seem to miss the presence of Dad as much as I used to in the past. I think about him, I pray for him, but it feels as though I've forgotten about him. That I've moved on.

Also, I miss my friends.

Final day

It's been a week of self-confinement, thoughts wise.

A friend asked if something happened coz I become less cheerful. Another asked, "Why so serious?" and said, "Be flexible. Laugh." How do I explain to them that I smile only when no one's looking? And that I smile when I'm supposed to laugh and I laugh only when I'm supposed to roll-on-floor-laughing or laugh-out-loud. There's enough reasons that I can think off for me not to smile or laugh for no good reason. Just knowing there's someone out there quietly suffering is enough reason for me - orphans, parents who do not receive their due respect, old people having to beg or collect cardboards, and the likes. And when I laugh, it's like I'm no longer sharing the pain and sorrow of these strangers. Not laughing as and when I please is like the least that I can do to acknowledge and respect these strangers. For I used to find myself suffering in silence too.

Or maybe, when I was a kid, I remember hearing from somewhere that it's better to cry now and laugh in the hereafter than to laugh now, and cry later.

Words. Words from the past I seem to remember and latch on to and attempt to live up to. Words said to me, if it's meaningful, I'll not forget. Words said to me, if it's hurtful, I'll forgive but not forget. Words said to me, if it's just empty words, I will forget.

The last day of Ramadhan. This year's definitely different from the previous one. Next year, I hope to do it some place different. Insyaallah.

Things (always) happen for a reason

When your kids say things that make the past 22 years of life seem worthless, you'd cry. I don't think she made Mama cried but I sure did, somewhat. Perhaps it was a mixture of emotions from having watched 100 Hari on TV1. Perhaps it was because of the brain going into overdrive with questions such as:

Where could it have gone wrong? Why did she say that? Did she think when she say that? What have I done wrong? How does she aspect me to show my love?

And then the mind started to direct the questions towards me. The blame-yourself-before-you-blame-others mechanism must've triggered itself. Clearly I have not been the best of brothers. Far from able to fill in dad's shoes. That feeling of incompetence or lacking that little something must've made me shed tears enough to cleanse my whole face. Or maybe it was just His way of making experience the feeling of crying as I read the Quran....


23:1 Sungguh beruntung orang-orang yang beriman,
23:2 (yaitu) orang yang khusyuk dalam salatnya,
23:3 dan orang yang menjauhkan diri dari (perbuatan dan perkataan) yang tidak berguna


Whatever the reason may be, it's for everyone to reflect.

Life's tricky

Being ill on Ramadhan has it's benefits. It causes the brain to think and reflect like as though it's your last day on Earth. It also cause doubt to be cast on you, especially when you're supposed to be somewhere else but you can't.

There's nothing much one can do about the things people think or say about you. What matters is that you remain truthful and true to who you want to be as a person. And hope someday, others see it.

Life's a tricky journey.

Reflections, reflections ...

Anger. If only they learn how to exercise restrain in speech, especially when in anger or in a bad mood. Apologies have depreciated in value over the years.

Patience. Not easy.

Ramadhan

Sunday marks the start of the fasting month of Ramadhan.

Sunday night saw me praying at the mosque, next to a guy about my age. He was laughing softly to himself every once in a while, during the prayers itself. At the end of the prayers, his father would remind softly him not to make too much noise during prayers. After every prayers, he would remind his son to follow the Imam and the son would always reply that he will.

2 different lives. I can't help but put myself in their shoes. And reflect. May Allah give them strength and patience, and save them from hellfire.

Monday night saw me going to the kitchen to find my mother cutting vegetables for Sahur in around 4 hours time. Everyone else is asleep. The things mothers do behind the scenes, we often fail to realize. May Allah give her strength and reward her with Jannah for all the sacrifices she has made for the family. May my sister be somewhat like our mother. And may my future partner who's hiding in some corner of the globe be ... well, the best mother ever.

The coming of Ramadhan inevitably reminds me of my late dad. While setting up the table, I'd have to remind myself that we only need five sets of utensils, no longer 6 - even though it has been 5 years. May Allah save him from the trial of the grave and from the punishment of the Fire.

3rd Year: Same Story

1 day 16 hours 44 minutes to the end of my 3rd year in NTU.

Exams have never been my forte. I simply do not know why the brain refuse to commit formulas and concepts to memory. I'm at the point when Im starting to ask myself the same old question of what I wanna do with my life, where I'll be in 5 years time, where can I go once I'm done with university.

This semester, I learn that everything comes from Allah, and that includes the motivation and drive to succeed. During the first half of the semester, I find myself enjoying my solitude. I was focussed, I could juggle my time well, and I even managed to memorize a new surah. I even did pretty well for my quizzes. However as the semester wore on, I felt as though I owed my little success to my ability to manage my time, my diligence, perseverance and having a good circle of friends around me. Ignorance got the better of me.

One by one, I felt as though those abilities of mine were slowly being taken away from me for reasons I should know.

I felt how it's like to be super productive this semester. But I also felt how it's like to have so much time in my hands yet the only thing I can do is to watch time pass me by, slowly. The strength and perseverance and diligence simply vanished. The circle of friends slowly went separate ways. Life is full of ups and downs. Ive been experiencing the ups and the downs for God knows how many years yet, I subject myself to the same old cycle again and again and again.

God, when am I going to learn my lesson.

A part of me feels that the 3 weeks break from APEX played a role in this downfall of mine. I was missing the company of good people, good kids, good intentions. It might be a little too late to do anything about it given that I'm 48hours away from my one one-week break. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. It always does. However, I do hope that these little hiccups that I'm experience during my schooling days will one day shape me into a somewhat decent guy in future.

All these years have confirmed that I make a bad student, but I'm still trying to figure out what Im good at.

Thoughts

Sometimes,
little events,
little little things that people say,
jokingly or not,
mostly jokingly,
but you know I feel about jokingly,
that it often always mean seriously subconsciously,
blurted out unknowingly,
but obviously,
to me.

Most time,
I'm wrong. But who cares?
No one does, coz if they do,
wouldn't they have watched what they say,
or do?

Yeah,
these little things,
make me retreat into my dark little cave and hide for days, weeks;
Sighs,
7 days of not writing usually means,
no thoughts, lots of thoughts,
kept all to myself.

Things are all fine,
and happy,
and dandy,
but for how long,
can one hide behind a facade,
behind one mask,
after another mask,
after another mask,
you get the idea.

Be calm,
prayers,
give good advice,
a pure mind,
a pure heart,
but then we fall,
and hide in our caves,
ashamed,
because we find it so hard to be good,
because we question ourselves,
by asking questions like why try so hard to avoid music,
when many others are not,
coz afterall, there's nothing wrong,
right?

Frankly,
I don't know,
for music, I,
just hate it when it gets stuck in the head,
hate how it distracts me,
how not listening to music for a fair while suddenly,
made me click on one link after another,
and another,
like as though,
I'm in total control,
I'm free,
to do as I please,
but really I'm not,
coz I consistently think about the can, cannot, better not to,
and so on.

And how I miss conversations,
and talking,
and how I fear talking,
all because of the little things,
the little little things that people always say,
or do,
without,
thinking about how,
the other person might feel,
or do,
as a result of what they say,
or do.

I really do.

Thoughts,
they get pretty circular sometimes,
most times in fact,
and when they do,
that's when I know,
I'm ending.

45 days ago...

... I wrote an entry titled, "I'm Judgmental. Don't judge me."

"I've been writing a mouthful of late coz being alone forces me into conversations with myself about things in random and we begin to deconstruct whatever or whoever that comes to mind.

Today, after one of such deconstructions, I realize how bothered I can get when people judge my sincerity - especially when I'm actually very very sincere about helping."

I see a pattern. I see a problem. Still figuring a permanent solution for many more will continue to judge me. Being annoyed, irritated or bothered is simply not worth it. It only fuels anger, hatred and animosity and these feelings never do anyone any good.

It was a mistake to be annoyed and irritated. I shouldn't have bothered to explain myself. I should have simply walked away. That's what I'll do should it ever happen again.

3 days ago...

.. I wrote:

"Today, I realized that the blogger me is making himself known. I'm letting people know what I'm thinking. Sometimes, some ask me about my thoughts on certain things. I'm starting to talk. Alhamdulillah. A part of me is afraid that this "newer" side of me will hurt the feelings of others through the things that I say. I hope I'll remember to speak good, or simply remain silent. And if I do not, please, remind me."

3 days later, what I wrote came true. It sucks when I somehow manage to prove my own prediction right. I was gonna go back into my cave when a fellow extraverted introvert advised me not to. It is true how we'll never be able to please everybody. And that if we like doing what we're doing, we should never let others stop us from doing the things we love.

On Judging Others

Never judge the intentions of others. Judge mine at your own risk.

On Reflection

I remember writing because I remember being the guy with few words. I found it easier to express myself through writing. In 2009, I remember writing about unreal realism. I asked myself if it's possible for my online persona to meet my offline persona.

Today, I realized that the blogger me is making himself known. I'm letting people know what I'm thinking. Sometimes, some ask me about my thoughts on certain things. I'm starting to talk. Alhamdulillah. A part of me is afraid that this "newer" side of me will hurt the feelings of others through the things that I say. I hope I'll remember to speak good, or simply remain silent. And if I do not, please, remind me.

As such, I'm doing more and more reflecting with other people through conversations in real life. I'm starting to find myself reflecting on issues without the need to write them out. What used to be a mess of messy thoughts are messy no more. I pray things will change for the better.

I plan to write something every 2 weeks or so. Take note! (:

No one gave you the right to hurt

Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections is where you'll find my, well, thoughts and reflections on anything and everything.

Writing allows me to navigate through the mess in my head and tackle the root of the problems. Before something gets published, entries go through layers of checks. After publishing, I'll read it a couple more times to see if all the words fall in the right places.

And when I read, I'll make sure that my words do not hurt. (Henceforth is a reminder to myself, and to whoever's reading.) This blog may be a personal space but you and I both know that privacy cease to exist when you enter the world wide web. Friends, and friends-to-be, drop by - especially those whom you share your blog with. And these individuals have personal spaces too. These individuals have feelings - feelings that ought to be respected no matter how bad you as the writer is feeling.

For the world doesn't revolve around the self. It revolves around our relationship with God, and with the people around us. And remember that no one has the right to hurt the feelings of others.

Guarding one's speech is so important that Muslims will be held accountable for everything they say: "Not a word does he (or she) utter but there is a watcher by him ready (to record it)" (Quran 50:18)

And for the hurt, remember the following: "Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)