The Bonus

My first bonus. It's been nearly 8 months since my first day of work. I'm ever so thankful to so many people who've helped me grow throughout the years. Yet at the same time, I feel ashamed that I can't bring myself to say thank you to them. I feel afraid that my thank you or simple gifts would not be enough to match their contribution to my life.

I realized that although I've been providing the family financially, I haven't been doing my job as a "father". When I received news that bonus will be deposited into the bank soon, I wondered if there's anything I could do different.

This wonder led me to a couple of bookstore that very day after work. Deep down, I knew I wanted to gift my mother, sister and brothers a gift that is tangible - a book that I hope each of them would one day flip open and read. May Allah move all our hearts to read and put to practice the things we read.

Hidden in an envelope, between the pages of the book, is their share of the bonus. Their reactions were similar - surprised that I handed them a book each instead of simply cash. Pleasantly surprised to find the envelope in their respective books.

Throughout this process, I realized that after all these years, I still find it hard to express my feelings. For instance, on my sister's book "Don't be Sad", I wanted to write her a note which says:

"Your current pursuit for a degree will insyaAllah encourage our twin brothers to consider pursuing a degree as well. In this pursuit, there's bound to be difficulties - but do not be sad. In this pursuit of ours towards a better future for ourselves and to make Mama happy, let us not forget that everything comes from Allah.

Make dua for me and my future... (add a short dua so that I'll find a pretty and humble wife soon!)"

I wanted to write notes on the remaining books too but I decided not to - for fear that it might sound too cheesy or too sweet. Perhaps next time. As I regret not writing those notes, I realized that I could move forward by writing little notes on a blank envelope before putting their monthly allowances in and giving it to them. It could be a quote, a hadith, or my own little words. Perhaps.

Little Thoughts: Let's go

*clears dust off laptop*

*types in the wrong Blogger password*

*checks out the blog to see the last post that i wrote*

*saw the post called Life: Fast Forward and it's feels kinda funny to reread that thought*

Honestly, I think I've allowed myself to be consumed by work. Work has changed the way I lived my life. Work has been about planning, coordination and execution coupled with the occasional problems. I go back home feeling tired most of the time and I also began to seek comfort by sleeping in the living room with my brothers. There's nothing much to think about really besides work. It's as though the word "thinking" would immediately link the brain to thinking about work.

That said, alhamdulillah, work has been a wonderful experience. 

I've often heard that the transition between school and work will see one become too engrossed in work to a point where everything else becomes blur. Work prevented me from spending time teaching kids at Apex on Saturday mornings, not forgetting the interaction with fellow mentors. Meeting different people allows one to listen and discuss about many different things. These interaction, I realize, helped trigger thoughts about things in general. I miss that.

I seek comfort on Wednesday and Friday nights during Tafsir and Hadith class. Having written it as part of my To-Do in that post called Life: Fast Forward, I'm kinda glad that I'm actually doing the things I plan on doing. Post-Hadith class discussion with a fellow brother of mine over a cup of hot milo often ends up with us attempting to decipher the tricky bit about finding The One. 

I shall end with the following. Till next time.

And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous." (25:74)