478 days later

Ah yes. I had wanted to perform Hajj before marriage. And she remembers. Mothers are awesome like that. Though I do hope that I do not have to wait till 2018.

It's been 478 days since I last wrote. Many things have happened since then. Work and sleep taking up most of my time.

On work

Work was tough. Politics. And I had contemplated on leaving - for i felt like i was the weakest link and the team needed a stronger guy. My future employers even had my email created and had assigned me mentors to assist in my transition but at the last moment, I decided to stay and see the project through no matter how painful and stressful it will be. And true enough, it only got tougher. Both the Senior Project Manager as well as the Senior Project Engineer resigned just as we were about to reach the 19th storey construction. I had no choice but to see the project through. It's been a stressful but truly enriching experience. It should be over when the year ends. *takes a deep breath and fights on*

Oh, there was the crane collapse on site that fortunately had no casualties early this year!

On Family

This August saw both twins disrupting from National Service. It's back to school for them and boy are they not liking it! Seeing them complaining to Mama about how tough Uni life is reminds me of my tough 4 years too. Still, they're often seen listening to online lectures and doing the tutorials. May Allah make it easy for them both. The sister and Mama are all well. I miss writing about the stories that Mama often share during late night dinner after my work.

On Sweet Distraction
It's been a while since I've been sweetly distracted.
And alhamdulillah. Parallel lines do meet. I can't begin to describe how it all began. Till next time!

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect”

The Missing November

I don't know how many times I've been writing this but work does take time away from the things you love doing.

November's the month in which we had to relocate the showflat. The planning, safety, coordination and details and the endless chasing of people to get things done was a pretty draining process. Part of the learning, I'd tell myself. Reaching home late often meant a cranky or tired me. Some nights, I found myself sleeping in the living room within 10 minutes of a quick lie down. Even Mama stopped nagging at me for sleeping in my work clothes. Either that or I must not have heard.

There was a brief period in which me and Ma did Maghrib and Isya together, and I checked her recitation which was honestly, better than I thought. However, November came and broke whatever momentum there was. While I know I should not let work control me and the things I do outside work, sometimes it just happens. I remember ranting to my mum about my work and how tough it can be at times early this November. I remember her reminding me that this is what the working world is like. And she added, "Ini baru alam pekerjaan. Belum lagi alam percintaan. Belum lagi alam perkahwinan."

That this, is just the working world. That I've yet to go through the trials of love and marriage.

While I know that she's probably trying to tell me to hang on, that everything I'm going through at work is normal and that things are gonna be alright, I can't help but wonder if love and marriage would make things any easier. I'm reminded of how a colleague once shared how his wife joked that after marriage, she felt like a married widow - simply because her husband either worked late or comes back home too tired. I laughed, but fear the day my future wife says the same.

I remember that while ranting to my mum, the phone began to rang. My younger brother called from camp - the twins routinely call back home once in a while. He called to say hi and shared with my mum what went on in the day, complained about some things. And then moments later, my sister called from her trip overseas to say hello. I realized that we all turn to our mum to hear some words of comfort once in a while. No matter how much we feel that we've grown up, we need her words to remind when we forget and reassure us when we feel troubled.

I remember realizing how fortunate we are that our mom's a stay-at-home mum who looks after our needs. If she was a working mum, I wonder if she'd have the time and the strength to listen to her children's stories and complains and the likes. Or would she simply go to bed early, like I've been doing most of November.

And then I realized that I'd need someone to be there for me should the day come when my mum is no longer around. Someone whom I could call everyday and ask, "Hello. Nari masak apa? I'm on my way back." Someone who could hear me rant and offer some words of advice.

November also made me realize how I'm starting to feel a little more sensitive - like old people. I don't know why. I find myself thinking and reflecting about life and happiness. I find myself missing my siblings. I find myself thinking about my mother. And then I find myself tearing, again. Perhaps, it's been a while since I had my eyes washed. I guess the body has it's unique way of making things happen.

And then there's 3 weddings in November. And another 3 in December. And then there's the planned break in January. Hopefully the journey to the three mosques would be the break that could help sort out the mess and knots in my mind. Until then, hello December. Be nice.

The Voice

The voice is a gift often overlooked.

It started with a combination of fever, flu and cough on Monday followed by 2.5 days of work despite feeling under the weather. Took the loss of my voice as a sign to visit the doctor - and she gifted me a 3 day MC. It seems that the body too has its way of forcing me to take a break!

Lack of water. The sun. The dust. Stress. Lack of sleep. Lack of healthy food. Lack of exercise. And who knows what else resulted in my body's shut down. Took the mind off work completely. Ample rest. A couple of jug of barley drink. Lemon. Meds. Sign language. Whispers and plenty of water later...and the voice is finally (partially) back.

And so is work. Still can't figure why I'm getting less and less psyched up about work lately. Something's not right and I need to put a finger to it fast.

Twenty Five. Twenty Six.

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Firstly, alhamdulillah  for being given the opportunity to turn 26 on the 2nd of October. 

It's been a while since I last wrote. I missed writing about Eid, how I totally forgot about my mama's birthday on the 31st of August, and how both my brothers were recently enlisted, and how weekdays without them felt so empty. I missed writing about turning 26 and my reflection on life this past year - oh what a 25th year (yes, work work work!!) it has been! And I missed writing about the passing of my beloved grandmother on the 6th of October.

Work has been very very overwhelming. The mind's in a mess. It feels like there's a million and one things to learn and do and being the hardworking worker that I am, I'm allowing myself to be drowned as I swim my way through this hard time. It's been a year and 3 months since I first joined the company and there's still a lot more to learn. Countless times I feel like raising the white flag but there's a part of me that enjoys this struggle. I pray for the day when everything clicks and everything begin to feel more manageable. A part of me always reminding that the next job, should I ever decide to call it quits, will not be any easier. 

On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear – [Quran 2:286]

The Prophet said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” (Sahih Bukhari Vol. 7, Book 70, #545)

But still some days, lately most days, it feels as though I'm starting to distant myself from people in general. I believe that's what people do when they graduate and enter the workforce. I'm still trying to find the balance between life and work. I used to tell others that work is life and we will only disappoint ourselves if we try to see it as two separate things. But lately, I find myself struggling to see life and work as one. I find myself struggling to find time to sit and pour my thoughts out - be it through my blog, through smses, FB messages or whatsapp messages. How I missed the days of MSN Messenger when I could chat people up to rant and stuffs. 

I guess 25 is the year I kinda lost myself as I tried to establish myself. Who am I? What do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be like? Where do I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years down the road? May my 26th year be the year in which I find and define myself. May Allah guide me and send individuals to help me find my way through this temporal life.

And to those who still visit this dusty blog of mine, smile always. May you always be in the best of health. (:

Relationships

This past week has taught me that work isn't the main story of my life - even though it occupies a significant portion of my time.

Relationships, however, is.

The way I interact with my colleagues, bosses, sub-contractors and workers are more important than the work I actually do. I realized that without all the smiles and good mornings and assalamualaikum from those on site, work would be quite a drag. This week, I saw an experienced foreman of one of my sub-contractors leaving just after lunch because of some things that were said earlier in the day. He handed over his work permit via his friend the next day. "Speak good, or be silent" is always a good advice to keep in mind but the pressure on site makes it harder for some to be nice. They say that nice guys don't get things done on site, like how they always say that nice guys finish last. But I hope to prove both statements wrong.

Work supports the main story of my life - family...

I realized that working 6 days a week in pursuit of experience, good salary and hopefully better future prospects should not be the main story of my youth. This pursuit, however, links directly to my main story - family ie. supporting the family, trying to become someone my siblings look up to and making my mum happy. Although at the moment, my mum isn't too happy that I'm working too hard. I explained to her that in construction, there are months where one needs to work extra hard and there are months that are less intense. This month just happened to be an intense month. But I digress. Having a good relationship at home allows one to put aside work stress and life sorrows and just be a child.

And then there's stories of me with my friends... 

Encouragement, motivations and words of advice have always been through friends I've gotten to know. However quite frankly, I haven't been good with treasuring and sustaining friendships yet my friends have always been so kind to me. Alhamdulillah. May I improve my relationships with my friends simply because they're part of my becoming someone better.

And then there's the story of the one friend that becomes family...

My friends will get married. My siblings will eventually grow older and get married. My mum would someday say that she'll be happier to see her kids get married. I realized that I too would - so that the stories of family and friends becomes central. But this story seems the hardest to write...

... and I realized that it's probably because for this particular story, it takes two to write.

The Bonus

My first bonus. It's been nearly 8 months since my first day of work. I'm ever so thankful to so many people who've helped me grow throughout the years. Yet at the same time, I feel ashamed that I can't bring myself to say thank you to them. I feel afraid that my thank you or simple gifts would not be enough to match their contribution to my life.

I realized that although I've been providing the family financially, I haven't been doing my job as a "father". When I received news that bonus will be deposited into the bank soon, I wondered if there's anything I could do different.

This wonder led me to a couple of bookstore that very day after work. Deep down, I knew I wanted to gift my mother, sister and brothers a gift that is tangible - a book that I hope each of them would one day flip open and read. May Allah move all our hearts to read and put to practice the things we read.

Hidden in an envelope, between the pages of the book, is their share of the bonus. Their reactions were similar - surprised that I handed them a book each instead of simply cash. Pleasantly surprised to find the envelope in their respective books.

Throughout this process, I realized that after all these years, I still find it hard to express my feelings. For instance, on my sister's book "Don't be Sad", I wanted to write her a note which says:

"Your current pursuit for a degree will insyaAllah encourage our twin brothers to consider pursuing a degree as well. In this pursuit, there's bound to be difficulties - but do not be sad. In this pursuit of ours towards a better future for ourselves and to make Mama happy, let us not forget that everything comes from Allah.

Make dua for me and my future... (add a short dua so that I'll find a pretty and humble wife soon!)"

I wanted to write notes on the remaining books too but I decided not to - for fear that it might sound too cheesy or too sweet. Perhaps next time. As I regret not writing those notes, I realized that I could move forward by writing little notes on a blank envelope before putting their monthly allowances in and giving it to them. It could be a quote, a hadith, or my own little words. Perhaps.

Life: Fast Forward

While testing out a Project Management app on my sister's Note 10.1, I slowly found myself sketching life till I turn 50 (the app doesn't allow me to go beyond 2038). I briefly planned, but He decides what's best for me.

And then I realized that actually, every little things that I'm doing/not doing right now are steps towards those dreams. A day that passes by without doing those things I felt that I ought to be doing are days gone to waste. Demi masa, sesungguhnya manusia dalam kerugian. Following a schedule/plan requires discipline - something I'm so lacking of. It's been at least 2 years and I can't even commit myself to memorizing Surah Yasin. And over the same time period, Surah Ar Rahman and Mulk erased themselves from memory. 

Gotta find the missing D before 2018. Without discipline, I shudder at the thought of the M word. But some would argue that the missing D that I'm looking for comes together with M ie. Having committed myself to spending the rest of my life with someone else will naturally make me someone more disciplined. 

I then quietly said to myself, "What if Discipline doesn't come with M? What then?" 

May Allah guide me through my journey in this temporary world.

Shopping for Work Attire

For the past four months, my work attire has always been a pair of jeans and a yellow dri-fit t-shirt (I managed to collect at least 6 yellow dri-fits over the four years of Inter Faculty Games during my University days). No one said anything about the attire. Working at the construction site also meant that attire didn't really matter much.

However, a week into my new posting, I was asked to attend a meeting at the thirteenth hour. I duly attended what turned out to be a 4 hour meeting in jeans and my faithful yellow tee. While my managers never said a word regarding my attire, my mind was telling me to look around and see what the others were wearing. Granted, they're way older and more experienced than me. As I attempted to imagine them wearing something as casual as mine, I realized that attire and image does matter somewhat.

After a long day's work, I decided to drop by a mall and look around for a new top. I wanted something not too casual but I didnt want it to be too office formal - being under the sun requires me to be in something comfortable. 

I touched countless shirt materials and flipped as many price tags. Im amazed that the shirts whose materials or designs caught my eye were way beyond my usual budget (It's been a long long time since I actually went shopping). 

My last stop saw me entering a shop that sells sportswear. A long-sleeved shirt whose design and material caught my eye. It's not your typical office wear. The tag says "Mountain Hardwear" and there's a picture of a guy fishing. The material's breathable and cannot be ironed (ironing is always a hassle, thus the strong attraction to this shirt). I looked at the price tag - higher than my usual budget but judging from the many other price tags I've seen, I guess it's relatively cheaper.

I then saw a short sleeved shirt - green and checkered and thought it looked different (my sister said it's ugly and my brother said I shouldve gone for brown or blue or black). I tried both, liked them both and got it. Even after the discounts, these are the two most expensive shirts in my possession.  

Mama then shared dad's story. During his younger days, he too used to spend good money on good quality products (unlike Mama who prefers to buy cheap decent products). Mama then went on to say that after he got married and several children later, he was buying cheap decent stuffs. 

Funny, I thought. I hope I'll follow his footsteps should I get married and have kids one day. 

Motivations

Supporting my family is my main motivation to work.

Whenever I see my brothers wake up and leave home for work at 6 in the morning on a Sunday only to return home at night, I wonder what drives them to do so. I observed that they are very committed and responsible when it comes to work. May these two brothers of mine will grow up to be fine individuals.

The Transfer

3 months and a couple of weeks later, I learnt about my transfer to a new site. Work has been a good experience - made better by fellow colleagues and workers. October takes me to a new site, a new boss, a new team. I'm thankful to have been given the opportunity to be part of a new project. The chance to work at the very early stage of a project will allow me to understand and learn the activities and procedures involved. 

Work takes me to Potong Pasir - approximately an hour away from home. Away from the girl who always sends her younger brother to school at 7.20am. Away from my fellow project engineers who were always there for me whenever I'm lost. Away from the uncles who never fails to share advice and their experience in hopes that I'll keep their sharing in mind should I become a project manager one day. Away from morning chats over breakfast with Mama. 

Sometimes, I feel as though work takes me away from my old self.  

Patience

Work is beginning to consume me. This past week was a lesson about patience and anger. For the first time, anger felt like a fire that spreads when one fails to extinguish it fast. A careless comment by an individual had sparked a flame deep inside me. My inability to control it resulted in me passing on that anger to those who cross my path. Passing that anger on not only made me more angry, it didn't make work any easier.

Note to self: Douse the flames of anger as quickly a possible.

A week on, looking back I realize that work will never be forever rosy. Roses will one day wither. And then a new one appears.

Be patient. Persevere. Stay strong.

Deeper Conversation

"Bro, I've a friend who asked me to help her to ..."

And immediately I know where the conversation will head to for the next 15 minutes.

"She's my friend from secondary school. Likes to keep a low profile. A good person. And I'm asking you first."

In my heart, I wondered if this was how I'll be introduced to my future special someone. Funny how conversations during occasional gathering of friends slowly evolve. One asked if we've actually done calculations as to how much money is required for marriage in Singapore - the majlis, the hantaran, gifts, the ring, getting a flat, savings to renovate and furnish that flat and so on. Such high activation energy. I tried to do a quick mental sums but some values are unknown to me - like how would I know how much a ring would cost me or what's the current "market rate" for hantaran. From the couple of Facebook pictures shown to me, she does seem to fall in my definition of nice.

"Ali, you look deep in thoughts. What are you thinking about?"

I didn't know people could see me thinking.

"So how? Interested tak?"

How, he asks? I could write a hundred pages and still not know how it's supposed to be like. At the moment, I've got nothing to offer anyone except my dreams. Committing to someone - even if it's just at the introduction stage - would be a tremendous commitment to make. It's one that I'm mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually not ready for. Not yet, and I do not know for sure when I'll be ready.

Seeing many of my friends go in and out of relationships ever since my secondary school days, I sometimes do wonder how they do it. Don't hearts get broken when the relationship fails? Do hearts really get stronger after such an episode? Gotta think of a reply fast, I reminded myself.

I smiled. "At the moment I'm not really ready yet."

But I'm honoured that I'm the first person that came to mind. You must've seen something within me that I myself could not. I hope one day I'll wake up and realize what I need to realize.

"Ah, the food's here. So tell me, how's work?" Smiles and changes the topic.

The grass is green on your side too.

Work ended today with a conversation between me and 4 Bangladeshi workers. We talked about work hours, fasting, and eventually (their) salary. One asked about mine but I managed to skirt around that question.

Talking to them makes me wonder if its fair for them to be paid as such. It makes me wonder how much of my salary and future bonuses belong to these workers who break their back and breathe bad air just so that deadlines can be met.

Why is life so unbalanced? As I stand on my patch of green grass, I cant help but wonder what I can do to make the dry grass of these individual green once more. Coz clearly, life isnt supposed to be like this.

All psyched up

Every day is a test of my ability to stay optimistic. 

Sometimes I tell myself that I'm in this to learn. Bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. Work hard early on so that later on, life becomes easier. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm doing this for my family - I've been on the receiving end for the past four years and it's my turn to give back.

And sometimes, I tell myself that I'm doing this for my imaginary kids. At the moment, I'm working 6 days a week without much complain in the hopes that my struggles will take me one step closer to seeing them.  

And the cycle repeats itself. Week 8. 

Day 1: First Real Job

I worry about stuffs that I know is pointless to think about - so I'm shutting that train of thoughts down.

There's no use worrying about first days.

My colleagues were welcoming. The manager was very friendly and feels like someone I'd work hard for. Sadly though not surprisingly, there's no females in the workplace. Perhaps one day from now till the 3Q of 2013, I'll bump into a nice teacher from the primary school next to my site during lunch time or something. But I digress.

It's been a pretty decent first day, alhamdulillah. Real work begins tomorrow. May He always keep me safe from the unseen dangers that exist at the construction site.

Fathers Day

Fathers Day reminds me that that it's been 6 years since the day Dad left us. The date was the 18th June 2006.

6 years later, 18th June 2012, I struggle to fall asleep. My first day of work - and I'm nervous. I worry about stuffs that I know is pointless to think about - so I'm shutting that train of thoughts down. The mind still thinks that I'm a student. The heart feels that I'm still Mama's eldest little boy and that I'm still just that annoying elder brother to my siblings. As I select what to wear for my first day, it's starting to sink in that I'm not getting any younger.

The shoes that Dad left me is starting to fit in pretty nicely. As I become the guy with that slightly deeper pockets who'll spoil his mum and siblings more often, I guess I'll have to start asking myself the question: "What's next?"

"Wahai Tuhanku. Sayangilah kedua ibu bapaku sebagaimana mereka berdua telah mendidik aku dan adik-adikku sejak waktu kecil lagi."

The End of a Chase Marks the Start of Another

Alhamdulillah. The results are finally out today and it turned out fine. After 7 semesters, I finally managed to pull up my GPA to above the 3-point mark. So come July, I'll be graduating with a 3rd Class Honours (a Class that is insignificant to most, but valuable to my mother nonetheless). When I broke the news to Mama, she hugged and kissed and was visibly much more happy than I was. SMSed my younger sister, who replied she was proud of me. Didnt got the chance to tell my younger brothers - but Im sure Mama's done that for me when they left for school.

I then looked back at life prior to today and revisit the many individuals who have been such a huge influence in my life - whether they realized it or not. I feel so thankful and grateful to have met them along the way. Life would've been different without them. May Allah reward them and their loved ones both in dunya and in the Hereafter.

I then looked forward at life henceforth. As I pack my bag for Umrah next week, it feels as though I'm moving from one life to another. I really hope that my pilgrimage will be accepted and that insyaallah, I'll come back a better person.

Alhamdulillah, a week before my leaving, I've been greeted with good grades. A week after my return insyaallah, I'll be greeted with my first job. I had agreed to start work on the 18th of June without me realizing the significance of the date. Mama pointed out that it was the day of my dad's passing 6 years ago.

6 years ago, I wrote, im only 18. But God willing, we'll sail out of this darkness together as a family. 6 years later, here I am writing on the same old blog - bursting with joy and elation inside.

“In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all the Worlds
The Beneficent, the Merciful,
The Master of the Day of Judgment
You alone do we worship, You alone do we ask for help
Guide us to the Straight Path,
The Path of those whom You favor, not the path of those who are astray.”
Quran (1:1-7)

The Interview

Had my first ever job interview over and done with a couple of days back. They asked about the activities I'm involved in outside of school hours, my interest, my career aspiration, the subjects that I like in school and my opinions on issues like "Do you feel that the customer is always right?". The more I talked and the more I hear them explain about the job scope, I felt that the job was right for me. 5 days week. Close to office hours. A decent salary. And I'm hoping they call me for a second interview.

But since the interview, many thoughts crossed my mind. I asked myself at this relatively young age the factors I should consider when choosing the first job.

Should I be aiming for a 6 days week job that is related to my course, pays more, with better career progression? Should I be aiming for a job that pays $500 more than the decent salary and strive through a cycle of morning shift, night shift and two off days?

I know someday (within the next five years in the near future) I want to get married and start a family. I know that I do not want to work long hours 6 days a week coz my partner/wife would not appreciate it, and I wouldnt like it either, but I would if it means more income to provide for my family. Also, I want to have time to attend talks, classes, family gatherings, visit the parents and stuffs like that on weeknights and weekends. There's just so many things to consider!

I know that this journey I'm embarking on upon graduation is one that has got to bring me close to Allah above all other things. Life's all about what-ifs and I hope that things will be clearer upon Istikharah and whatever decisions made will be decisions that I will not regret.

Things, always happen for a reason. Allah is the best of planners.

Jobs

Tonight, I open with interest mass emails from the school about job opportunities related to my field of engineering. Because I do not see myself working atop high-rise buildings due to my slight fear of height, I'm seriously considering the rail industry - digging tunnels and underground stations and everything else in between.

And then I thought about giving myself a couple of months break and not dive straight into the working world. And then I realized when my sister graduated, I ensured that she got into the working world immediately. It's about time I gave back. Paris, UK, Egypt, US, Switzerland, Australia ... Places such as these will have to wait.

May the road ahead be manageable for me.

Hmmmm

It has come to my attention that at least one person follows me on my blog so ..... I shall write something. Haha!

Frankly, work has thus far been a pleasure that I hardly spend time thinking about stuffs. When I sleep and I dream, I remember seeing architectural drawings, excavation works and rain. Yes, sadly work has infiltrated my dreams too. I believe once I get the hang of the system and processes of the organization, I'll slow down a lil.

And talking about dreams, I need to find the time to watch Inception.