A pen in my hand

Lying on my bed
A pen in my hand
Thinking

Wondering why she's taking so much of my time
Why she appears in most of my thoughts
My dreams

Of coz this is foolish
These things come and go
I noe

The more i try to not think abt it
The more i want to think abt it

Why i wanna forget abt it i dun noe
Why i wanna keep thinking abt it i dun noe
Actually, maybe i do

Could it be tt i like her?
Could it be tt shes come to be my special someone?
Or could it simply be me?
Am i simply thinking too much?

Should i go up to her and tell her i like her?
What then?
What if she says she likes me?
What then?
What if she say she doesnt feel the same way?
What then?
These are questions to which the answers will never surface..
Unless i make the first move...

The first move
It's ever so hard

How can i tell tt she likes me?
Is it thru the way she dresses?
The colour she wears?
The hints she drops during conversations?

How can i tell tt i like her?
Is it thru wat i wear?
The things i blog abt?
The colours of my stationaries?
The colours on my blog?
How?

Well i guess lying on ur bed
A pen in ur hand
Thinking..

...Tt should be enuff to show tt u like her

It's been so long

Hey there... had been quite some time since i wrote here.

Realised that im slowly becoming a man of many words. Hope it is not a bad thing.

Im doing well... life's been ok. Spending too much time in camp, too little time as a family.

My life is spiralling downwards. A lil bit too boring. A little dead. I need psychological help.

I miss the past. Where there's that little bit more life in my life. I cant really think right now. Mind's a mess.

My room's a mess.

Yet to plan my life yet. The next 1 year. Hope i wun be in the same state as now.

I need to wake up. Shall wake up now. Shall wake up now.

Many words. Writing down what's running thru my mind. No story to share. No events to note down.

Just random thoughts.

Im drowning in an ocean of endless thoughts.

Maybe im stuck in a maze somewhere in my mind.

Slowly i shall bring myself out of this mess.

haha... just one of those entries you would write on a cloudy day.

Till next time. =)

There's just nothing to write so far....

looking back

Its funny reading back what i wrote in the past and not believing that i actually wrote what i wrote.

Embarassing? Dumb? Hurtful? Illogical? Dumb? Rash?

Well. Looking back. I kinda like it.

Selamat Hari Raya ya guys..

Wells, spent ytd overnight at TTSH wif my grandma. I just cant see her spending the morning of hari raya alone. And besides, I wun be able to do this for long.

Went for prayers and came back. Waited and waited and no one came. Expected mama to be the first one there so when it seems like she's taking her own sweet time there, i became very disappointed in her. Mustve forgotten that her son and mother's there. She was the fourth to reach. So much for not going to my aunt's place. And im feeling like a fool caring so much for my grandma. That's why some times i wish id be less emo. But dennagain, guess grandma means alot more to me than to others.

Have you ever reach the point when you'd rather lose someone you love than to see him or her suffer?

I have. Twice.

So after mama came, i was sitting there looking at my grandma. And the mood to like celebrate Hari Raya totally vanished. So i decided to head home coz i dun want to leave with the knowledge that my grandma will be left alone. So well, wun be celebrating so long as she's still suffering. So long as she's there alone. Will try to be by her side so long as shes still breathing, so long as im free. Or at least till i get bored of looking after her.

Looking after the aged.... realised its physically and mentally challenging. Now i understand why most dump theirs in the homes.

This totally rash entry speaks a lot about myself. Me spending almost the entire day alone at home speaks alot about me. That i'm not yet ready to be saluted. That it's too early to call me mature with a v in front. I had mentioned that i would be crushed today and mama be utterly depressed yet ive yet to shed a single tear. No sadness no happiness no nothing. Its as if everything's being pent up inside. Miserable hari raya. Wonder how next year will be like. whether id have the chance to be by my grandma. Or my mother for that matter. Dun worry about me. This is afterall just a blog. Where things might be a bit exagerated(did i spell it right?) and no one can really tell. And u noe how i write. Thats what i'll always say...

But nevertheless, Selamat hari raya... my profound apologies had/have/should any of my past present or future entries hurt u in one way or another.

Eye exercise

She's a very special someone. Stories of her taking care of me when i was a baby. Me and her when mama's working. Me and her and durian ice cream. Me and her and grocery shopping. Me and her and many many happy memories. I remember as a kid she kept reminding me to pray. And i prayed. Always did what she wanted me to do. Never once do i want to hurt her feelings.And i remember me asking God to make sure she lives a long life...long enough to see my child. And how things seemed to be going just fine. Till yesterday. She had a stroke. Brought back memories. Cant bear to imagine what'll happen sooner or later. Not after what happened to my father.

Course ended late ytd so I could only come today. A look at her and the battle started. I was struggling to keep my cheeks dry. Sat beside my mama and looked at my one and only. How it reminded me of 4 mths ago sitting by my dad. But then i wasnt crying. Now i was. Fought so hard not to tear. Soldiers dun tear. And mama wasnt helping me by rubbing my back and brushing her hand thru my hair and passing me tissues after tissues. And thoughts of losing her playing in my mind didnt help either. Im not ready to lose her. So i cried.

Was touched that when i come to see her, she looked at me and cupped my face with one hand. She remembers me. Kept asking myself why. Why now? Why her? Please.... anyone but my grandma.

And before we left, she asked me to sleepover by her side. As much as i wanted to, i didnt coz my course dun end till friday. I remember how we went home after visiting my dad only to receive a call the next morning. I dun want a repeat. Not with my grandma. Told her ill stay with her this friday and satuday and sunday... a promise i hope i will keep. And I hope i would not be too late.

I have yet to take u out. Used to think that i would one day ask u out and we could drive around in my car, going to some nice restaurant. I have yet to buy you the most beautiful baju kurung for Hari Raya. How happy i would be if she wore what i bought. You have yet to see my child, see him grow. How i wish u could make my dream come true. Love u with all my heart. My grandma.

Guess things happen for a reason.

random couple of lines

A lil uninspired to write tonight but being online means i have to write sthg. Hmm.... This came today: the sudden urge to learn how to drive.

Mama kept asking if we wanna go Geylang look see look see and i keep telling her its very far and buses and trains are quite leceh and some other excuses. Truth is, we've never been there on our own before. Its always been enter the van and sleep for half an hour or so, wake up and tadaaaa... reached our destination. And kept thinking of the visitings we ll be doing this year round and on the record, we'll be going to grandma's only. Unless relatives want to tumpang us around but mama keeps reminding us what my father used to always say "Jangan suka mengharap". Dun ever hope for things to happen. I think... my malay-english translation abit rusty.

So my point being, if somehow or rather i could drive, Hari Raya would be a lil bit more fun for us.

8 days to Raya and theres nooo kuih in sight. No potato chips or whatever stuffs we used to have. ANd my aunty decided not to bake this year so NO KUIH! And when i asked my mama why, she asked me why? ... Why? Are ur frens coming again this year? And i just said, 8 days to Raya ... shouldnt we have at least something beside drinks to offer if people come. Speaking of drinks, dun think we bought syrup yet. What we have is just for personal consumption. Mama just dun seem to want to take the initiative to i dunnoe... do sthg? Yet to really clean up the house. Everyday's like any other day in the calender. Nvm... this year's will be the trial period for future Hari Rayas. =)

And no raya songs on the radio too!!! Apparently mama gets really sad when she hear the songs being played. And frankly, i get super sad too when i hear the especially nice but sad songs. Even when my men sing a line or two, my mind will wander. Emo.. haha...

Oh.... i realised Hari Raya Haji we'll be celebrating just the 4 of us. Finally can watch cartoons in the morning? haha... Hope we know what to do ...

Really really sorry if i keep writing about this sorta stuffs over and over again. Seriously not asking for sympathisers nor am i in the self pity mode.

I think what im kind of driving at is this..... Good things dun last forever. Dun take what u have for granted. Really treasure ur loved ones. oh i wish i could really hug and kiss my dad and wish him Selamat Hari Raya and ask for forgiveness... just one more time.

my most special k

speechless. touched.

It's really really really comforting to know there are people out there who care. I know they care but not to such extent. Shared my find with mama to share them with her. Actually, she found it first. Found it at our doorstep. It was more than the belated card i was expecting.

Guess stuffs like this serve as a reminder to me that ive got people who want to see me move on and make it in life... so that i could one day repay their kindness. Wells, the latter's my hope.

Again am truly touched. I could never thank u all enough. The people whom i didnt really know that well.

Ive found the word....

...to describe myself as of dunnoe when.

Uninspired.

Yes i could just still be in the Project Runway mode coz the girl was eliminated as her model's dress lacked inspiration. I think it was simple and had preety shades of green. Might be too simple to be on Elle mags though.
And the guy Bradley was on the brink of forfeiting coz his original plan could not be put into action coz of some sewing difficulties... So he had to rework his original plan. And in the end, he made something that was OBVIOUSLY last minute work yet he received good words from all the judges which shocked me and my brothers and Bradley himself. Guess me and fashion is a no no.

Man i sounding so ... so unlike me. Im suppose to be "dead".

As i was saying, as of dunnoe when, ive been feeling uninspired to live. By that i dun mean death. By that i mean living life. Coz ive been hanging out with my men at my MG post. Talked to them and all either had a significant other or are still "in process". They do go out with friends when they book out. They dare to tease girls on the train. Or the few female sergents in camp. What else constitutes to living life?

But dennagain me, i didnt really had a life then, when i had the chance to. And after what recently happened to my family, there's no longer an I in the word life. (I as in me and not the letter) There's only us. Mama sis bros and lastly me. A lil unfair coz im only 18. Coz someone used to tell me that 21 is when i get my key to freedom. How can i be free? Oops... what am i saying. Im not 18. Used to be 18. Cant be bothered to even remember my own age.

Anyways, wenta the bank with mama today. She wanted to put me under joint account so either one of us could withdraw money from the bank..... Wanted to put my name in her investments too. Just in case one of us bids farewell to this world. Mama keeps telling us 25th Dec will be her last day coz that's when she's going to perform the Haj with my dad... or so she keeps telling us. And i always laughed it off whenever she says that but deep down, after what's happened, i know anything can happen. Any day can be anyone's last day. So i just "played" along with my mama and keep telling my bros whenever they make mama angry to just please please please behave till she's gone. She'll be gone soon. And my bros would give me the "mama wun leave us this soon" look.

REally hopes that God would look after her when she's there. We arent old enough to be without someone to guide us. Ive yet to learn how to cook. She just cannot leave us. But if she does, ive got to think like ive never think before.

2 weeks to hari raya and mama's already indicated she's not keen on celebrating. Will just be going to my grandma's place -- this time we need the ez-link. There's no talk about what color will we be wearing this year. THere's no night shopping at Geylang. No can drinks in the fridge. No porridge during breakfast. Thing's has been different since he left. No more WOW! food. Just simple food. I no longer bother about what i eat at home. As long as i dun go hungry at the end of the day. Even if i do go hungry, i always tell myself that i could always eat tomorrow.

Hari Raya prayers would just be with me and my bros. And we'll haveta walk. Cant wait for that day to come. And feel what i imagined i would feel. I imagine that i'll be crushed that morning. When it's time to seek forgiveness from the parents... there'll be a seat empty. A seat that i'd have to take. And if im feeling crushed, mama would be devastated. If i cant hold back the tears as i'm writing, how could i hold back the tears when that day arrives.

Slowly im realising that i do have a life. I do have a story. A different kind of life. A different kind of story. My life is not about me and my significant other, spending time chasing and teasing girls on the bus or train... going out and having fun. etc etc. My life shall be about a young man who has to step into his dad's shoes so early in his life and no single day passes by without him thinking about how they're going to live through the days together.

Argh finally.... a typical entry by me.

I dream...

I was on a train station somewhere in Japan (dun ask me why Japan) -- deciding on where to go -- when i suddenly woke up. Yes it was a dream.

A dream i wish would never end.

Dep

U look at the ships and the ships look back at you. U look at the sea and the sea looks back at you.

And after 12 hours .... ping pong time! haha... im improving!!

Haveta admit that i was feeling really down the past few days .... For no particular reason whatsoever. But being around my guys , playing tabletennis and xbox, is slowly making me happier...

And im even more happy that i'll be off duty on Hari Raya!... yups... till next time.

A new beginning

The start of the fasting month has always been about new beginnings. Wanting to make this year's ramadhan better than last year's and what better way to start the month off with new that my mama wanted to perform the Haj. She'll be leaving sometime in december.... for 30 days.. that's what my bro told me.

My first reaction was "HUH?" coz i just got back home from live firing ytd midnite when the news reached me. My brother told me while mama was standing next to him.

Next was "Why?" which was a dumb qn to ask but still ..... there wasnt any talk abt her wanting to go before ytd night. So it was kindof a shock. She told me her reason. Only me and my siblings would understand.

Next was "With who?" to which she replied alone.

"Alone?"

"Yes alone."

"Why?"

No reply. None was needed anw. Was a dumb qn.

Final qn, "How much?" to which she replied $9000. And it was only then that i was feeling happy for my mum. Im proud of her too. After what's just happen, she's leaving us for a mth. We ve got the money and mama's finally got the chance to perform the haj. I have no objections.

Of course the thought of her leaving us is enough to make me tear. Her safety and all that.Well i noe that God will take care of her there and that's all that i need to ease my fears.

hmm.... a month of maggie mees for us then..

....i think i'm fine...

I was bored last week. Just finished reading a book, and embarked on a new one. After 130 pages, my body was aching; I like to read lying down on my stomach on my bed. And i was thinking, what could i do next? I could go outside and watch tv. Or go to the kitchen to look for snacks which i noe doesnt exist. Or i could just remain on my bed, close my eyes and imagine what'll it'll be like if i went outside to watch tv. Or what it's like to go to the kitchen to look for snacks that doesnt exist. Or going out with my friends to anywhere but my home.

BUt i saw my sis's laptop on my study table. Been using it to play Need for Speed Underground 2 till i got bored. That was when i started on my new book. Anws, i decided to use the net, and after minutes of mindless surfing, i blogged.

And i didnt blog the way i usually would. (Was looking back at my past posts after i typed this line) Didnt realise that i sound quite dead. But as i was saying, i chose to write as though im writing. Writing as in writing a book and not just some random scribblings. So i started out writing about the book ive finished reading. BUt somehow or rather, i began writing about me. My life. Something i wanted to avoid writing too much about.

Mama was the lucky first. Then my dad. And eventually it was about me. SOmehow, looking back, it seems as though i was like a young child wanting everyone to pay attention to me. It kindof seem like a stunt to get people to notice me. Obviously it worked. But the thing is, a child would feel happy having gotten others to notice him. So i guess i am too. It's as though i needed the assurance that i'm not my own society. There are others with me too.

And then there's the internet connection. That was written by the me who wasnt thinking. I told someone about it and everything just seem to fall into place nicely.

So see, now im talking as though everything's fine. Wells, come to think of it, everything's still rather manageable. Coz u see, sometimes, i see the glass in front of me half empty. And i noe that i can choose to see it half full too!

And now that i dun seem like im losing it... i'll talk about something else. Driving license to be exact.

Mama talked to me about getting a license. And said that my sister also wants to go learn driving. And i was like, finally, a catalyst that's bound to make me learn driving. But all of a sudden, i realise something's missing. Im missing a dad who could tell me a thing or two about driving coz as far as im concerned, he is the best driver ive ever known. We did talk once about when i think i want to get my license. That was when i was working with him. So i was thinking, haha.... he could sponser me!!

BUt now that im sponsering myself, ive gotta think twice coz ive got to sponser so many other things. If i dun withdraw anymore money, my bank will finally go above the $4000 mark next month. ANd my mission will be to not go below that mark. And once i hit $5000, i'll try not go below that mark. I talked about getting a license with the guys in my MG course bunk-- 3 guys in their late 20s. Shared their experience with me... road tax and insurance and installments and patrol and what not per month... it's something that my dad could be telling me about if he was around. And it seems like getting a car is a no no in the near future. License wise... gotta think about it some more... shall take my time going about it....

So yea, tink i'll keep on trying to be the guy i said i wanna be dib. ANd nizar, both u and i and everyone noes that if we meet up, i wun be talking much ...as always. And kim, i hope beyond hope too that the future will be bright.

Till next time.

Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio

Yet another week has passed and looking at my life thus far, it seems as though i live to count the number of years i have left. A little depressing and worrying, I know. Why this has been so, I dont know.

Ive been reading a book during the week that is almost coming to an end. The Society of Others. It's about an alienated young man who can see no meaning in life. He doesnt even see the point of getting out of bed in the morning. Being confined to the four walls of his room, looking out of his window, watching TV ... tt's his idea of life. You might sort of have realised why i borrowed this book yea?

Anws, his dad left him this amount of money telling him to go out and explore. And he took the thousand Euro and pasted the notes on his walls. Kind of like how i pasted revision notes on my wall. As i was saying, one day, he was lookin out his window and saw this pigeon on his window ledge. The pigeon was staring at him like it wanted to tell him something.

He asked without actually asking what is it that the pigeon wants to tell him. The pigeon flew off. That was when he decided to pack a bag - a pair of jeans, a tshirt, a pair of underwear, a pair of socks - and some money and began a journey.

The story brought me on a journey with him to i still dun noe where. It remains a mystery. A philosophical book i must say. Kind of irritating to have spent a week reading the book without having a proper "happily ever after" ending. But the way he wrote it, it's like reading a story that i could have written about myself some years in the future. I travelled across Europe without actually going anywhere. Somehow ive rekindled the interest i used have with books.

Im currently somewhere in the US, living the life of a music journalist turned Uncle Agony for some teen mag after the mag company he was working for folded. Spent half of today reading 130 pages.. Shows how great im living my life huh? Anws, i like it.. at least for this phase of my life when i simply do not know how tomorrow will be? What'll i do in future? My mama...

She's really having trouble controlling my siblings who doesnt seem to be willing to listen to her. Thus her frequent nagging. And i dun really noe how to go about helping her. It's not as if i cant punish my siblings like how i would, but i choose not to, with my men in camp. Normally, if we become out of hand, mama would simply tell dad of the going-ons and he'll be the one to discipline us.

Ive not really stepped into my dad's shoes. Being the man of the family. It's a tremendous job to sign up for. And ive been kind of avoiding doing my job. Being in camp sort of made this possible. Though both dad and i are size 10, and though i do wear some of his shoes, it's just this one pair of shoes that i just dont feel like wearing. Yes, i know i have no choice and that i'll wear it one day. Im waiting for that one day to come. Somehow, I keep thinking that that day would be the day mama leaves her pair of shoes behind .... her pair of shoes plus her many other pair of shoes plus a whole wardrobe of clothes. I hope id step into the household scene soon.

Mama tells me that it's been 3 months since dad left us. In my mind i went like "hmmm" and oh, i didnt realise it was so. Or more like, was it important how long it's been since he left us? All i know is this -- he left us.

I live to count the days i have left. And now i realise my mama lives and counts the days he left us. This makes me wonder what kind of life am i living. A self-centred life? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, i am making $700 a month, an amount which i dun really noe how much it's worth. I mean i do give my mama a share of my allowance. The thing is i dun really noe how much we're actually spending a month. Our phone bills, and net bills, and utilities bill and my bros and sis allowance and groceries and who noes what else i dun noe about. All i could do now is to frequently walk round the house and switch of whatever appliances we're not using. Like someone with OCD. Im not obsessed. Maybe i am.

I never talk to mama about such stuffs. Maybe because she seems okay everytime i come home. No problems whatsoever. I hope beyond hope that all is well. And like how she used to say that prior to the days before dad fell ill, she felt very distant from him.... Im sort of feeling the same way. It's not mama who is keeping a distant from me but more like the other way round.

I am keeping a distant from mama. Maybe without me realising it.

I seem to be running out of words as the days go on by. Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio. Either be silent or let your speech be better than silence. A quote from The Society of Others. Somehow i always think that i could never be part of a nice conversation. Or at the very least a decent conversation. Even with my mama. sighs.

Could it be that im going? I am afterall, going for my MG live firing next week. Enough with all this. But who knows? No one expected dad to fall ill all of a sudden. Right?

I am still thinking whether i should terminate this internet connection of mine. it's a good $40 a month... and a significant cut on electricity bill coz surfing the net is what my sis do best. and i realise ive been using it to check my mail and blog.. On weekends only. And it's becomin clear that i shouldnt really waste my time with all this because.... because of what i cant really figure out exactly. But terminating would mean im shutting myself out from the rest of you whom i can only reach via the Net coz im still not a people person. But considering that ive been kind of alone most of the time, i wun really be shutting myself out coz it seems that ive been doing it since wen i dun noe. But a part of me just dun want to. Maybe i was right when i said that i wont terminate till i get my reply. Whatever i might mean...

You could tell how im spending my time at home by just looking at how long tis entry is. Longest since i dunnoe when. Well then... hope you guys are living your life fully. And to my sis, you are not allowed to live life fully. You are within the boundaries set by mama.... be home on time. Wake up early. Help her out. Help her control our twins. Enough with MSN and the net. Enough with friends if possible. And heard that u wanted to buy an MP3 player. Dun waste money even though it comes from ur own bank. I wanted to buy a digi cam with the surplus money i got for getting IPPT gold. But time changes everything. Each an every single cent we have means everything. What if it's true, that i am going? We dont just live for today. Nor do we just live for tomorrow.

We live for today, tomorrow as well as the many many days i see in the bumpy future ahead.



The End

Why cant i?

Why cant i stop feeling the way im feeling right now? .... why?....

I could be feeling bored and i wanna stop feelin this way but i cant.

I could be feeling happy and i wanna stop feelin this way.... Why cant i not be happy?

I could be feeling dumb and foolish and seems like im wasting my time... and i wanna stop feelin this way...

There's a million and one "could be"s ....... And only i noe the right one...

-out of sheer boredom-

This past week

im feelin bored yet again. When im in camp, i look forward to going home. Surfing the net, checking my mail. But now tt im home, having surfed the net and checked my mail, i really wished i was still in camp.

Camp life has been fun so far. Played soccer like in the morning, at night and the next morning the past 2 days. Playing the PS2 seems to be part of the timetable. Sleeping time... nap time... its all taken care of. Very very relaxing. Which is why i get bored on weekends. Nothing to look forward to (besides bookin in). Am going for a course next week. heard it'll be a fairly relaxed one. Lookin forward to it. Think i would go to the library... look for books to read. To fill time.

So many things going on.... but none that can be written in this space of mine. Maybe im just lazy.

Just another entry

Came back from p6 class reunion. Not all managed to turn up but we still had a great time. Catching up on each other... reminiscing the past. It was just sweet. Especially after 6 years of not seeing each other. But once the clock went past 10, i was feelin a lil restless coz i dun really like to stay outside home so late. Still not used to it. Maybe coz i also wanna set a gd example for my bros.... mama would get worried if her children is still not back home even though its so late. yea.

All of a sudden, ive got at least 10 "new" friends. everyone seemed very very nice to everyone. Hope to get to catch up more with them thru msn... ive got more ppl to talk to.

Have i talked about my first week in 6 SIR? hmm... felt as if i have. But i havent. And i dun have the drive i used to have to write abt it. Am just feelin a bit low at the moment for no apparent reason. -moody-

Wished i could be in p6 now... and start afresh.

sucky...

this past 2 days...

ive never felt this lonely in my life.

And ive finally been able to see the diff b/w my family now, and the one we used to have. The house seems a lil empty. Quiet.

Hope time heals everything.

Mama's bdae tmr. Hope she'll be more happy than sad.

Life....

Saturday nite drama?

erms... dunnoe wat to say... I indirectly got mama to confiscate my sis laptop? Coz i wanna use the net at ard 2330 den told my sis to disconnect her modem. Den i waited for my modem to connect but very long still disconnected. Den i asked her again.. mama heard... asked her wat is she still doin wif the com(coz skool already ended, exam over and wat not) Of course my sister, not so intelligently used the loud and rude tone... and there goes her lappie. Got a confession... my modem didnt connect coz the phoneline of the modem wasnt in the socket. My mistake. I took it out and didnt put it back in.

Anyways, mama already told me of her plan to confiscate sis lappie last morning. Coz like ive mention previously, sis been waking up late coz OBVIOUSLY, shes been usin the com till late. Tts wat mama thinks. Tts wat i think. And im sure u all would think the same way too! But but but, i must say that my sis aint so intelligent coz she dun noe how to act or hide wat she did lah. IF and this is a very big IF.... i were to use the com till late, i'd wake up earlier than my mama lah. But my sis... mama woke her up alot of times she still sleepin. SO who's fault is it that her lappie got confiscated? Certainly not mine.... really really hope u guys support me on tis one. haha...

And my sis is like in her room like ALL the time lah... Studyin? yea rite... Like my mama would buy that. ANd she locks her door lah! If i was studyin, ill let the whole world see lah! haha.... Again, not so intelligent of her. Ive told her to at least be outside her room more often lah... watch tv or sit outside do nthg. Better still, help mama wif her work... den at least wun be a target rite? SHe should learn to be like me. Tts the very least she could do wat! Years after years, same old habit. Anws, if dad was still ard, i dare say her lappie would be in pieces by now.

So yea, i bet sis is damn piss wif me rite now. I would be if i had an elder brother like me. haha...

Dramas aside, i think spiderman 2 is a good love story. If only there's someone waiting outside my door... like MJane. I noe tis is totally off the frequency but still...

And i had a great time playing need for speed: Underground 2 on my sis laptop tis afternoon. Thanks ah sis. haha... Till next time.

the past 3 days

booked in on Thursday. 1400hrs. They did some interview thingy... admin stuffs again... showed us the history of 6 sir... the pledge, mission, vision and what not... So weve got a much clearer idea of the batallion we're in now. Den after tt.... dinner..after dinner go home. hah!

came back in on Friday morning at 0800h. For some pt we were told. All 11 of us cant imagine wat sort of pt we would have to go thru lah... thinkin of worse case scenarios. First we went for a run round the camp to familiarise ourselves wif the place.. den we ran the 2.4 route. 1/3 of the route actually coz one round is 800m. So yea... slow pace... relatively short distance. Tot after that got static exercises lah... "Sadly", it wasnt the case. We had to do more runs.

More runs. More feet movements. Head movement. Mouth movement. and ball control. (ie. streetsoccer at their very own streetsoccer court) Was thinkin of our fellow mates at bedok camp( elite guardsmen-to-be). Heard they second day of tis week only got fastmarch. My fieldpack still haven even pack.

Anws, i AM still afraid of the ball. haha... always lookin away from the ball when the opponent shoots towards goal. But i guess 1yr 3 mths should be enuff time for my men to train me in tis area. lol. Oh ya, first day during interview, the officer told me that this batallion likes to play soccer.

And after soccer, had brunch..(tis was only 0900h). wenta the interact room. interact room is a room for relax purpose one. got aircon, sofa, pillow, blanket, tv, dvd player... some board games. u get the picture. And tis is alpha coy's interact room. Bravo has an x-box inside ithink. If not x-box then a ps2. Coz we saw them play winning 11 e other day. Heard im goin bravo. yea! As i was saying, we had a break till 1230h. So after eating, we watched Alexander and fell asleep. Boring show but good nap. All 11 of us slept. Now i noe why they have blanket. =)

Had lessons after tt. lessons till 1500h after which we were told we could go home. Life at 6 sir has been great so far. While im spending my time at 6 sir, im always thinkin abt life as a guardsman. Coz tts where i dreamt i would go. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, i wasnt "fit" to be a guardsman lah. Unfortunate coz i think im getting fatter. 6+ 2 packs disappearing seh. haha.... Wonder how theyre doin... esp matin..

anws, 6 sir has its down side too. Last i heard we'll be guardin jurong island during hari raya. Coming back home either at night of the first day of hari raya or the next day. And also christmas would be burnt too. But yea... u guys need ppl like us to deter potential threats so tt u all can celebrate happily. So who says it makes more sense to be a policeman than a soldier? haha... I say, "There's a part for everyone...in this land where belong... "

wells... have army half marathon tmr... 12k .... mama's bdae on monday... almost forgot. But like dad, we never really do much on each others bdae except a kiss and a hug. priceless.

till next time....

..random thoughts speeding at 210mph...

3 days slip by with the blink of an eye... more like 826398472 blinks of both eyes. And i have had PLENTY of sleep! Of coz each and every single morning, mama will be like making noises trying to get me and my bros and my sis up for morning prayers. My sis the hardest to wake up.... must be her being online way into the wee hours of the morning... without her even thinkin abt her brother waiting in the next room to use the com. Apparently, whenever she turns her modem on, the modem in my room gets disconnected.

Anws, must be quite tiring for my mama to do that every single day. So i could imagine her doing that every single morning... and missing me when im in camp... and missing dad... lucky she got friends to talk to when my sis and bros go to school. Loneliness to the max. The feeling of losing someone u love after so so so many years is a feeling i wanna feel, without having to lose someone in the first place. Must be a terrible feeling..

I had a dream last night. Army had 60% share of last nights dream... forget about tt. I also dreamt that i was writing a book about me. My life story. And thinking about it, what would my life story be made up of if ive got no life to begin wif? heh... Its been a long long while since i wrote a narrative. I might want to re-explore this long lost world of storytelling...

Heard from friends that those who graduate from civil engineering tend to end up as physics teachers. And i dun wanna be a physics teacher!! Having to go to school and stuffs like tt... dealing with kids who think they are no longer kids.. that theyre young adults... its a tough job esp in todays society.

Of course there are some friends who just adviced me to do my best and eventually be spotted by some talent scout from some big big companies. yea... the ideal picture. But sometimes i just cant help but feel negative...

Heard tt some ppl are having the feeling that they might be in the wrong course. Is civil engineering really what i want..? I mean after knowing tt most would probably end up as physics teachers? ....

...anws, it's probably just a myth...

eyes....

can barely open my eyes. Replied an email so now i shall go dream. gd nites.

a new kindof life

.... life as a sergeant. I wonder what kind of life would that be. Lucky me im not in a tough unit. Just got posted to a unit dealing with installation protection duties. Changi airport, Jurong island... But none of whom im close to got posted to 6 SIR. Guess ive gotta make new friends..

Last day today. Last night yesterday. It was quite emotional. Haha... havin to leave everyone and all, esp more so for the special selected few tt got posted to 3 & 6 SIR and 1 guards. Wish them all e best in whichever unit they got posted to. Dun think too much abt the posting. Come monday, just give ur all.

The parade went well i guess. Was glad its over considering tt we rehearsed every single day since last book in. Took some pics too. Shall post it up once i get them from my sister and cousin.

Tis entry seems to be only a mere recall of whats happened. Lacked the depth. Coz im not in e mood .... been feelin a lil weird lately... Im missing a piece of a jigsaw puzzle...

Looking Back, looking forward .....

3 weeks in taiwan yet the pen and paper never left my hands. i wrote down what i would call "a time journal" where i would write sthg in this format:

***********
300706
1433h : Just woke up. My resting time. My turn to be on one third alert from 1500-1600h.

1636h : Haha...just woke up again. Dreamt that i was awake... Heard the news from Betrand who heard from Calvin who heard from Sgt Alvin tt an unnamed, as of now, typhoon is forming somewhere over the pacific and is heading for taiwan. Said itll be comin in 3 days time. Hope theyre right. Oh im beginning to miss home. Like really miss home. Cant get home off my mind =)

050806
1024h: Lying down under my tree- in silence. Well at least im the only only silent.Ppl adjacent to me just cant keep their mouth shut. talkin like nobody's business.We're in a harbour position for goodness sake. But i realise tt theyre always in a group of 4 or 3 or 2 but im always in a grp of 1. Typical me. And whenever i see myself in this situation, i always see myself as a loner or an anti social guy. Am i thinkin too negatively? Think i should try to learn how to see things positively like say im alone rite now coz i wanna slack under my tree and not do more. Or maybe coz now's not the best time to talk and ill mix ard some other day.Yea i guess tt's more like it.

One more issue. I seem to be in the sarcastic mode yet again. Always disturbing B and K.Just these 2 fellas. Feelin bad abt it though. I didnt like being made fun of or bein made a fool off in the past. Thinkin....thinkin...thinkin.... I think i shall stop. ....

100806
0701h: 1stly, a very long distance Happie bdae wish to my fren=) Slept without bathing ytd. Was watching tv when i fell asleep. Shagged. Wenta Ximenting ytd nite and it was damn cool. lotsa shops and e place is like Orchard rd. Maybe i found the place v cool coz i seldom (maybe never) been to orchard rd at night. ....

110806
1810h: On e bus. Heading for airport. Other sections took photos except for my section. Haha... disunity. Well i havta admit it's never been this apparent. Well itll be over soon.. the course. If its not meant to be, then why even bother? .... Just looking forward, thinkin abt the future, id really would love to travel the world. Haha... think ive found my ultimate fantasy.

********

Well, writing's my way of bringing myself into a world of my own away from the pressure and stress of the real world. During e 8 days ex warrior, there was this time when i wondered what i was doing suffering in the mountains under heavy rain. If only i was in scdf or better still, the police. Mental torture. But of coz i look at the bright side of things like looking forward to r&r. And goin home. And that this torture will end one day... tt ive only gotta be patient........ And look where i am now? at home... safe and sound. No abrasion no heat rash no cramps no blisters. Just gotta be mentally strong. There has to be an end to every thing.

Shopping was the most fun! (oops... de javu) Shopped like ive never shopped b4. Bought shoes and pants and shirts and t shirts and more shirts and a watch and wallets... but most are mine. Did buy home little things here and there but i simply felt tt i needed to be rewarded. haha... get more colors into my cupboard.

We were only allowed free time after organised tours in the day. Most of the tours that were conducted in e day are trips to amusement parks. WEnta 3 or 4 theme parks in all... and yea, no scary rides for me. There was tis 2 parks where i only took 2 rides! haaha.. im a sucker when it comes to rides.

So 3 weeks taiwan has come to an end. Bookin in tonight at 2200. Yea, life has to go on. Graduatin tis coming friday. 3 stripes. 0900h-1100h. But ITS ON A WEEKDAY! so tt means my bros and sis are out leavin my mama who's gotta find someone to send her there or if not shell havta take the cab which i doubt she would. Maybe she would. But she did tell me lets just hope the lawyer doesnt make an appointment with her on friday. Ttll mean i might have to paste my own stripes.

OH one more thing. Sthg funny happened. My house utilities bill. Used to be 300+. then last month, when dad was in hospital and all tt, 240++. And now, its $43!! haha... Electricity consumption for the month was minus sthg sthg kWh. Haha... the meter man said he would bring tis up to see if our meter is faulty. Coz if it's not faulty, i think my late dad is doin wat he can to ease mama's burden. We'll see when the report comes.

Can anyone see what's missing in this entry? I guess not coz there's nthg to see. Pictures. Wasted. if only i had a camera. But i do have some pics here and there on other ppl's cam. But nthg beats havin ur own cam. Could hav taken zillions of pics while i was walking .....walking..... walking.... ard taipei on my own during my last day there. siens.

Lookin forward, i see myself doing a massive cleanin of my room, preparin tonight's booking in stuffs and finding a way to fill tis newfound small empty space in this place called life.

Till next time.

touch down.

am back. Blggin later. maybe tonite. Kinda fell asleep after 2 lines. Till tonite.

oh finally

..oh finally the day has come. A few more hours and ill be gone. Leavin on a jet plane and i dun noe when ill be back again.. if ill be back again. haha...

woke up and i remembered my dream... that i got posted to 1st Guards. haha... mustve been my subconscious. Well i dun worry abt my posting after sispec. if i dun mind 1st Guards, i wouldnt mind anything.

Reportin to airport tonite. And theyre making us wear leather shoes lah! Dad has a couple of leather shoes but all are worn out coz he used to wear them to work. I kindof like the Hush Puppies one coz it felt super comfortable but sadly, it worn out and torn. Might go and get myself my first gentleman's shoes.

They dun want us to look like soldiers. Yet all the uniformity.

And i wonder wonder I wonder how, i wonder why. Yesterday u told me bout the blue blue sky..... Stop wondering lah dib and hock! haha... =)

Till im back. Echo elite! Hoo~ah!

rocROCroc

cant wait for my ROC trip. Anxious. Cant wait to go someplace else besides Lim Chu Kang and Mandai to train. But i worry if i left out something from my packing list.

There's this primary sch reunion some time on e 5th of Aug. Wasted i couldnt go. Coz 1stly, i used to not go to such things so it'll be great if i go abt this differently. 2ndly can meet old friends... something i used to not bother with also. And 3rdly, hmmm... cant tink of a 3rd reason at the moment. Wateva it is, i wished i could make it.

Was thinkin thinkin thinkin and i realised tt i culd be missin some people for real for quite some time. And missin someone was sthg i used to find a waste of time.

Looks like ill be wasting quite a lot of time....

Sunday

A long day today too.

Wenta my dad's new place. Mama wanted to go there. Been exactly a mth since he left us. Mama still cries when she talks about him. But going there aint easy coz a cab to and fro can easily cost $30 max. The bus + mrt combo would be a more affordable mode but time consuming. Well we spent a gd 30 mins there b4 we headed back home.

Wenta PS in the afternoon... my bros band performing. So they ended up winning the only award up for grabs -- the grooviest band award. Not bad..

Wenta Serangoon to meet Hafiz. Wanted to borrow a couple of uniforms. Needed a few set of unfaded green smart 4s. So now i have wat i want.

Rushed to Beach Rd to get wateva stuff i need for the trip to taiwan. Rushed back home after tt.

Still got a couple more things to buy for my trip. Gonna go back sch to collect my alevel cert. And am thinkin of wat to get for me and my sibs in taiwan. =)

************************************************

Its getting kindof boring to go to places by myself. HAH! To think that i used to think that i would enjoy being in a world called isolation for the rest of my life. Well i was wrong.

rare day

went out twice. yea yall didnt read it wrong. twice. met up with friends and sort of just talked.

had lunch with someone from school. talked about stuff here and there. was great. never really actually went out just for lunch with anyone before. haha. yea.
had dinner with a couple of someone from school. hock and eugene. talked about stuff here and there too! More like talked about stuff all over j8. Abt army and soccer and grace. grace can talk melayu already seh. Can only imagine her talking in malay. haha. And i never really actually went out just for dinner with anyone b4 oso.. haha... just happens that today happens to be my free day and when im free, i really dun mind doing stuff i seldom/never do...

got home. brought my bros chickenchops frm kfc. sister was out working at some mini cooper amazing race stuff tt i wasnt even aware of. Its a one off event. And talked to mum about my friends. And about me going out. About how i used to not want to go out because i dun wanna be scolded by my mama like how my sis was wheneva she comes home from her outings. About how friends need to be maintained and how she thinks that if i got free time, i should ask my friends out and what not.

Haha... I never asked anyone out before. Why would i coz i never liked leaving home anyway. Well now tt ive sorta break tt never-asking-anyone-out streak for the first time tis week, ive a feeelin things may change.

But i wonder if itll take me 3 years b4 i start askin anyone out again. lol.

Tired eyes. gd nite.

home..

2 weeks confinement. Felt like it'll never end.Live firings. Navigation. heli trng. More live firings. Marches. Runs. Urban warfare.

I was missing home.

There was a couple of events tt took place tis past 2 wks tt would help me become a better person in future. Was under a lot of pressure during that few hours. Luckily, matters were resolved and it was a gd learning experience for both me and my platoonmates.

And ive been a bastard lately. Too much time spent in camp versus at home might have made me lose touch with the real me. But the experience was good too. U learn how to make things right and get things back to the way it was.

Was lookin thru the 3 big photoalbums we hav. Mostly pictures from the past. None from the past 6-7 years? Dun remember seeing or taking any pictures of late. Saw my baby pictures. Me and my dad. Could see that he preety proud of his first little boy.

Now im preety proud of my dad.

Regular weekly update

wells, im truly appreciative of all e support me and my family received from friends and family. Indeed, help comes from unexpected sources. Like suddenly all my neighbours have approached my mama to offer wateva help they can provide or wateva ideas they may have to help us and im indeed very touched by their gestures.

frens of mine dropped by tis afternoon. was glad they came. however, i tink i was a bad host just now. dun really noe the way to entertain guests coz im not those kind who are naturals when it comes to interactin with ppl. well i guess tis sorta things takes time and practice.

Leavin for camp tonite. Will be back on the 8th of july. Bookin in on the 9th. A long book out from the 15th till the 18th. And off to Taiwan on the 22nd. Someone's leavin on the 22nd too. Returnin back to homeland on the 12th of August followed by a day off. Then it'll be a week of parade rehearsals and course debrief and ill be expectin the 3 stripes on the 19th.

How 2 months can fly on just a short paragraph.

Thanks once again and till next time.

Hard week

Some times it seem as if it's been months even though it has only been barely a week since he left us. And at times, it felt like a bad dream that I've yet to wake up from.

No matter how much I try to stay strong, Id crumble. No matter how much I try to not think about it, I'd think about it more. And no matter how much I try to forget about it, I fail.

This week has been a test of my mental strength -- my ability to perform my duties in camp amidst the happenings at home. At one point in my life, army seems like one of the best things that had ever happened to me. But lately, I'm beginning to not like army. I find that army takes too much of my time in a sense tt im better off out there trying to earn more than a mere 450 a month. I m beginning to feel the need to be home more often. There were times I didnt want to give my best during trainings but lucky for me, I have great section mates to count on. Knowing that I have another family in camp made me feel much better. So now, I'm still uncertain as to whether or not I still hate Army.

The most important thing I learnt this week is to not give in to ur emotions too easily. Coz if not, life can be truly miserable. Simply let the excess water in ur eyes flow, take deep breaths, look at the stars... and relax. Only then can u start to think straight.

Been adapting to the sudden change in momentum rather well though initially, it was tough coz a whole mountain of responsibilities was suddenly being heaped on me. But of course, now I have no choice but to cut my hair in camp coz its cheaper (the downside of it is the style). Now, I have to think twice before taking a cab or before I enter a McD. Now I wash all my dirty laundry in camp. Theres just some things that I can no longer afford to spend on unlike previously. My plan to get a new pair of shoes shall be put on hold once again.

We were told from young to save for a rainy day. Since it rains almost every other day in Singapore, savings tend to get spent very often. My rainy day has arrived and I wonder if I had saved enough...

Well I guess this entry marks the end of me being in a self-pity mode. Time to get a grip of things. Time to step up the engine. =)

Sunday morning tears are falling Part 2

Its been 2 weeks and am i glad to have been with him on all 3 weekends. I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. He put up a tough fight but when its time for him to leave, he'll havta leave.

Its quite hard to hold back the tears. But i realise i have to coz now im the man of the family. Ive gotta be strong and stable so tt my family noes there's someone like dad still around in the family. I worry for mama. Remember how she had stomach pains just days b4 dad got admitted to the hospital. Well now tt dad's no longer wif us, who would wake me up to tell me tt mama's in pain? Who would bring her to the 24hrs clinic if anything were to happen in the early hours of the morning? But since im in camp 6 days a week, i wonder how things will run at home...

I wonder abt things i think i should wonder abt. Our mthly income. My siblings education. My education. Mama. Though ppl tell me not to worry abt tis sort of things, i wonder.... if its ever possible.

But nevertheless, dad left us a roof to live under. All paid for. I ll see wat i can do to get things back to normal, even though i noe it can never be the same again.

The sole breadwinner. Never tot it would be so soon. im only 18. But God willing, we'll sail out of this darkness together as a family.

Fathers' Day never meant anything to me..... So now i noe. Appreciate ur dad's sacrifices and hard work. Never take him for granted. Never assume that he owes u a living. Give him the respect he deserves. Even if he's unreasonable or overly protective or too conservative or what not. Its never too early to tell ur dad u love him. Do not wait till the very end. Trust me. And yea, hug ur dads dearly while u still can.

Wells, till next time. Happy Father's Day.

An unusual post

hmm... where should i start.

spent last nite in e hosp. received a call from mama during trng. got the chance to book out ytd. dad went for op. now in icu. how things happened so fast. its gonna get faster.

of coz i am not trying to think abt it too much in camp. thinkin abt home. how my siblings are doing. how my mama is doing. Hope we'll be strong and get thru tis together.

Army's been great. Got gold for ippt. Timing worsened by a second. Passed my soc. So the physical aspect of the course is over for me.

well... writing a post in mcd over breakfast. Unusual. BUt hu carees. Haha... its quite weird lah the feeling. Anws, tc. Officially bookin out nxt weekend. Till then.

critical cond

onli time will tell

Sunday morning tears are falling

Wells, the run didnt materialise. Alarm clock was set at 0630. Woken up by an sms at 0603. Slept again. Woke up at 0630. Gave myself 5 more minutes of extra rest... and..

It wasnt one of those 5-minutes-that-turned-out-to-be-more-hours-of-sleep. Mama woke me up told me that dad needs help going to the toilet. I was like huh??!!

So i went to the master bedroom and saw dad lying very weak on the bed. Cant stand on his own 2 feet. My heart sank. I mean, it happened before a couple of years back and i tot it'll be a one off incident. I guess theres a reason for things to turn out this way. Thank god mama's gastric pain had gone lah. And that im out of camp. Dunnoe wat would happen if i was i camp. How my brothers or my sister would be of help. But im sure they'll find a way.

I did say in the previous posts about some cycle that's reversing and how i hope it'll not happen in the near future. The future i had was 30 years or so... when im older... But i fail to realise that if so, they'll already be 80+.

The future begins now.

Satuday night

Got home today. Slept.

Had 4k run tis morning. its been like ages ago since we at sispec ran lah. So yea, we ran at a decent pace. Chest pain leg pain. Gotta get the engine running once again. Had streghth training. Again, arm pain, abs pain, neck pain...

Dunnoe why tonite, i feel like i want to buy a digicam. Taking pictures for memories... After i get $200 for getting gold for ippt next, i'll get a cam. Haa... the confidence i exude..


Gonna warm up for ippt tmr. Wenta google earth to look for a suitable route with suitable distance. Gonna execute my plan tmr. Based on experience, morning runs never seem to materialise but for $200 and no more IPPTs for the entire course, i think things may change.

Watched Hamburger Hill... some vietnam war story. Scary how the war is being faught. How ur section mates die. How long it takes to seize control of a hill. How many men are needed to die trying to conquer the hill. How men struggle to charge up hill when its raining.

I tend to forget that when we attack enemies with our M203s or SAWs or grenades or M16s, they too attack us with weapons that can kill. We learn how to dig trenches. They too know how to dig trenches. Its totally scary if a war is to happen...

But so long as there're soldiers like me around, there's nthg to worry abt.

****************

Gonna go taiwan on july 21 to Aug 12. Soo lookin forward to it. Abit strange how we'll be spending our national day over there. But a week after our ROC trip will be our POP!! 19 aug.

Not many bookouts in store for us. Next one being on the 17of June. However, we'll be compensated our offs from 15-18 July... the weekend b4 our ROC trip.

Well it was the second day me and me section have been together and i must say that everyone seem to be getting along with each other just well. Too early to say but it just seems like it.

wells, till next time.

Final rest day

5 days of inactivity and i put on 3kg. Am weighing 72.3kg. Wells with respect to my height, my weight is still acceptable but yea, gotta get rid of more fats. Haha... dun ask me why im suddenly tokin abt height and weight.

Woken up tis morning by mama. She wanted to go to the poly. Of course the initial frustration... but after 5 mins of thinkin in "anger"... i chilled and yea, wenta the doc. Her cond today was a bit worse than ytd. Ended up in bed like the entire day. Ate nthg but bread. Oh man.... the cycle is reversing. U noe how mama was the one who look after us when we're ill, cookin porridge, buying fruits and stuffs... now its us kids turn lah. Of course, the unfair thing was that we didnt really noe what to do. SHe knew she could take care of herself but she was thinkin about wat we'll eat for dinner. Haha... so we ate bread and maggie. It aint fun when mama's sick. (Lucky im goin back to camp tmr morning! Proper meals. Whahaa... kd..)

Wells Dad's coming back home looking more and more tired every night. Rather worrying. Coz we wun noe what we'll do if both mama and dad fall ill at the same time. Pray hard tt wun come in the near future.

Well, hope everything would turn out fine. Off to camp tmr. Back on Saturday. The begining of a new journey.

Had my mind off army this coup of days

A lil outdated but that's how it's always been.

Still thinking abt the past -- How i used to relate what's happening in real life to whats happening on film. Haha... the symbolism and such.

Suddenly felt like dancin... u can see why... Care for a dance?

The later part of wed...

Have u ever felt as though ure helpless?

Sitting there looking at someone not knowing what to do?

Not knowing what to do except looking at that someone?

The feeling sucked.

Wenta the doctor. Got an injection. Waited for her medicine. Her name was called. I wenta collect her medicine. Was abt to go home but we cant. Her pain was unbearable. So we sat there. And i waited. She sat there in pain. I gave her a shoulder to cry on -- literally. She asked me to rub her back. So i rubbed. Waited again for a bit and finally, she could find her strength to walk and we went home.

Reminded me of one rainy Thursday night in school.

I guess when someone's feelin sad, hurt, depressed, pain... all she needs is a shoulder to cry and lean on. Someone to share her feelings with. And maybe someone to rub her back.

Haha... Being surrounded by four blue walls, the com in front of me, oh i so miss my past.

Wed

first family outing to the movies ytd-minus the sister and the father (school and work respectively) .....

WEnta Lido. Haa... mama led the way. She knew where to alight, which exits and turns to take. Haha... And to think i'd been there like a couple of months back only lah! Her last time taking the train going to that part of singapore mustve been like ages ago! Haha.... ive got lots of training to do....

.....However i must say tt going to the movies isnt a good place to chill with ur family. Best to go with friends. That's what i think lah, based on the 2 previous cine trips with my friends.

.... Family outings are better when u accompany ur mama walk round and round looking at pots and pans and glasses and clothes and what not without even buying them. I mean, no matter how tiring and irritating and annoying it may feel, at least there's bonding thru things like "I wanna go home", "Can we go home now" and "I still want to walk walk somemore"...

....Eating at McD or cavana is even a whole lot better than the movies. Sitting face to face with ur siblings, seeing how adorable they are, disturbing them, sharing foood and drinks, seeing how they eat, the way they talk....

Well tts just my personal preference. Home sweet home.

***************************

Mama woke up sick. Had to run a distance to my aunt's place to get medicine. Early morning sprint. Got to buck up my stamina. Might hvta take a trip to the doc. Hope not coz i'm a bit lazy to move. But tis doesnt mean im unwilling.

It's all my fault. If i had trained up my stamina, mama wouldnt hv been sick.

When u've got time, stop, and think about life....

Almost 2pm. Woke up at 1030. First 4 hours spent on eating, washing my clothes... and thinking about what to do the next 3 days. And i was reading some other blog too. Some random blog i happened to chance upon during a google search.

If only i could write so well that people would want to read what was written before this post and the post before this and the post before that post and so on and so forth.... Haha... maybe unknowingly, ive already accomplished that... =P

Thinkin about the past.Thinkin about the future. Thinkin about tmr.

Gonna go watch movie wif my bros and mama. Dad got 4 free movie tickets from his workplace. Mustve got something to do with the DHL- MI3 ads on tv. Wells anws, the plan was to watch X3. Hope the plan works out. The ticket vouchers can be used at any Shaw Org cines.... and coincidentally, the last two and only cines ive been too had been Shaw Org ones... At lido and at BJ... haha... am glad im no longer alien to this sort of things...

Yet to watch DVC.... most likely be watching in on dvd.. Btw, anyone noes where to get pirated DVDs? haha.... siens..

Thinking of getting a PS2.... The sudden need of a means to relax after a week in camp. Thinking of getting a new pair of shoes too! But tt can wait. THinking of getting a girlfren? haa... man... tis is so lame.

I mean, reading some ppl's blog and they mention the word gf often in a joking manner, i remember myself doing the same lame thing last year. Haha... i mean the special someone, her, she, gf... though "LOL" or "haha" or "jk" tends to come hand in hand with these words, it is obviously obvious the point the writer is putting across.... So technically, if one says he is "Thinking of getting a gf... HAHA!", it means that recently, he has been thinking or dreaming about someone whom he likes

.... and he just wants to share his feelings, while it's still fresh, with the world.

.... Lol! My point being, i miss my past.

Where one journey ends, another begins

tHis had been my final week in Sispec ... as a Private. There'll still be another 12 weeks at Sispec for me as a corporal.

We had Chemical Defence exercise on Monday and tuesday. I must admit it was the scariest moment in my life as a Sispec trainee. Haha... the chemical suit was freakin heavy and so-not-spacious that i got a panic atack once i donned the full gear. Haha.... didnt noe i was clausterphobic. Haha...maybe not. I think it was probably because its my first time wearing the suit. heh.. Anws, we had to go into a smoke chamber the next day and obviously, we had to put on the gear again. Wells, i was thinking of 101 reasons to fall out from training -- i got blocked nose on tt day. Haha..... Lucky i did not coz i wouldnt have anything to blog abt if i hadnt went thru wif it. I went thru wif it in the end and was really quite proud with myself. Hhaa... THe trick to "clausterphobia" is too be EXTREMELY calm and breathe in and out DEEPLY.

Had "Happy Hour" on Wednesday nite. Kind of like "prom". Had dinner. There's some performances -- some bad, some ok.. some games.. video presentation of our time at sispec.. and of course, lucky draw.

Hahaaa.... the lucky draw was the turn off of the event lah. PLatooon 3 was the platoon in charge of the lucky draw and they seem to win at least half of the prizes including the first prize -- a PSP!! So we audience tot tt something fishy was goin on and got quite disgusted when the 1st prize winner had been on stage the whole night lah -- one of the 2 emcees. Hhaa....So people walked out b4 they can even say we can go. Haha.... I really think its either foul play or us audience are sore losers. There could even be a conspiracy lah! I think there wasnt a PSP in the first place! It could just be an empty PSP box and the organisers used the first prize PSP as an object to make us audience wait till the very end of the event-- which explains why someone from platoon 3 had to win the prize. haha.... TOo much DVC i tink... hav yet to watch it... siens....

Wednesday thursday abit slacked. Cleaned our whole bunk area and all our equipments.

Friday had parade rehearsal and at night, got 28k route march. Blisters... Pulled the muscle behind my left knee...sucks..

Saturday had actual parade. Posting order. Man... had to stay back in sispec for my seargent course. Must be my security clearance.Anws, was glad to noe that others saw in me what i couldnt see in myself and that i should learn to be a bit more confident in my abilities and to stop thinking so highly of others.

Saturday was also my last day with the friends i made during the past 10 weeks. The feeling sucked. They were probably among the best bunch of people ive been with lah. Hope our paths will cross someday.

Saturday was also the day all those posted to ASLC (Advance Section Leaders' Course) at my company came to my company. WEnta our bunks. Do some admin work. And had a brief briefing by our OC. He's a new guy. ANd i must say he seems at least 5 times better than the previous OC. His briefing lifted my morale and made me look forward to the start of ASLC. And of course, having Yong in my platoon made my day a bit better. Shit... now i must watch what i type here. Haha....

**********

Next book in timing -- Friday 2nd June 0730H. I needed the rest.

Till next time.

Disappear?

What do u mean when u say tt im starting to disappear? Hmmmm.... i guess appearing once or twice a week -- and tts just online -- is as good as not being on the face of this earth.

Well its been a while since i saw my old friends... not surprisingly... Funny how some things'll just never change....

*************

Second last week in camp this week. 9 weeks old friends will come to pass... The best bunch of people ive been ard wif since quite some time... gonna miss them.

This week, we had section "live" firing. It was as close as we could get to firing real humans. Some real life Counterstrike. Sadly, the whole firing lasted only 1 minute. BUt i was rather glad i got top frag. Fired 2 mags and i shot 12 people. I killed 12 people in under a minute!! I wanted to adopt a one click one kill policy but since we were given 6 mags of 30 virtual round, why not use all of em? BUt i was unlucky in the sense that after my 2nd magazine, the system kinda malfunctioned and that's it. Still cant believe that i'm deadly. Whahaha.... hope i get posted to Support Arms and become a sniper.

******

Had Exercise Nutcracker tis week. A defence exercise. 3D2N at Mandai. I was chosen as the Leader Platoon Sergeant. Its like a temporary leadership post assigned to random people thruout the course. There's like a list already drawn out at the start of the course for this role. But i wasnt on tt list. My name was sthg out of the blue.

Earlier on this week, my sir called me to the office to ask for my educational particulars and he asked me this question..... " If i send ur name to go OCS, u want or dun want?" To which i replied, "Yes sir". He reminded me tt tis isnt confirmed and i totally understands why. He'll only submit my name but ill have to go thru interviews and what not... Haha... the door has once again opened... Hope i get in. Then my pay will increase!

I gotta start thinkin of how to answer if they ask me why do i want to go to ocs...

Besides the pay, i really cant thiink of politically correct answers! Sure i like to lead and being able to lead a team and command their repect is really a shiok
feeling.... If only i could put my tots down in words....

Back to Nutcracker, I had 4hrs 25min of sleep in 3 days. More sleepless nights to come if i want to lead a life as a leader.

**********

Army aside... i got accepted to NTU civil engineering. SAme as Nizar... Im glad i got accepted to something. ONly thing for me now is to find out what my future will be like should i choose to accept.

***********

Im quite surprised at how my 2 bros are doing in school. One got 4 As, the other 2 As... Highest chem, highest malay, highest F&N .... and to think tt mama keeps saying they play soccer and never study... hah... maybe the school's setting some low quality papers...... hahaa.... Or maybe im just jealous tt i didnt do as well when i was sec 1? hahaahah.... Who noes...

*********

One last thing before i go. The picture on my blog is gone. Argh.... my account on tt storage website had been removed coz it was inactive for 30 days. So for now, it'll be plain purple till i got time to create a new image....

Wells.... till then...

Reading a book

Thank you for applying to the National University of Singapore(NUS).

Admission to the NUS is very competitive as a large number of talented students, such as you, have applied this year. However, the number of places for the course you have applied to is limited. We have looked at youd application carefully and thoroughly, but we are unable to offer you a place at NUS. I am sorry about this.

Well. This was probably the last thing one wants to see when he opens an envelope with NUS printed on it. However, this should be the only thing one should expect to see if he hadnt really put in as much effort as he should have in the days leading to the As.

Serve him right.

Another similar letter from NTU and there goes his future.

**************

Well i shant be too bothered about this. Looks like ive learnt tt things dun always bloom like how i want it to be. And rejection is something that ive learnt to handle preety well. "Rejection" by OCS... heh... the Air Force... and now NUS...No use feeling bad or what coz it wun make them change their mind. Life goes on.

But, how life goes on .... haha... i dun noe. One and a half years to think about it. POly... work? Overseas uni? HAH... if only my parents earn big bucks.

hmmmmm....Maybe i could rob a bank. Too risky.

Well... lemme see.... if i were a normal malay... what would i do? What would i do? hmmmm .... i noe, start learning how to ride a bike. Get myself my own bike. And enjoy life. Till the day i get hit by a car or a lorry, get sent to the ICU, and wait till they pull the plug.

The simple life. Something i might consider. Having no worries for the rest of my days. In the wise words of Timon and Pumba... hakuna matata...

*************

Well talking cock as usual. Wasting my time worrying. Shall go and read the book i wanted to read for so long now. Haha... couldnt find it in the libry but somehow, a copy lies in my sister's bedroom. Heh.... the da vinci code. again, my sister's one step ahead of me. Most prob she'll watch the movie ahead of me too....

haha.... MAy 18.

*************

Shant waste time any further. Shall continue reading. Funny, somehow, i find reading a waste of time too. Lying on my bed for hours flipping thru the pages.

See.... am thinking too much. Who cares anyway? Id probably be wasting my life away too....

*************

Till my luck changes.... good day...

..3...

First day break. Slept till 12. Den got called up by CMPB ask me to go down there for blood test -- see wat my blood grp is. (i never knew wats my blood grp coz wen i make ic tt time, they no longer check blood grp)

The trip there was an hr. The time spent there was a mere 5 minutes. Took an unknown bus frm outside cmpb home and ended up at harbourfront. Took the train for another hour long journey home. Got home, ate and slept till 6+. I guess my body's really tired.

NS just round the corner. Am packing my stuffs. Kinda looking forward to the whole thing. yeah... im serious. But i cant help feeling abit the emo lah.

Im gonna miss my bros the most. They still hv yet to say they love me lah. And i'll miss hugging them wen theyre asleeep. I'll miss disturbing them to the extent tt im the one who got scolded for making them shout.

I'll miss a friend too. I'll miss a friend.

More to come soon as i blog down the days i hv left.... nites.

the woman of my life..

....my mama...

It was New Years day. The time was 11.00pm. My sis came out of her room and said tt there's a phone call for me. I wonder who'd call so late at night. Does he or she not noe tt i'll be screwed if i'm using the phone so l8 at night? Anws, i answered and my sec sch fren asked me if i could play tmr morning.

My answer was a yes. W/o any hesitation. coz i couldnt make it to previous games coz of work and now theres no work, why not? And filial me told my mama abt the game and unexpectedly, she said tt its best if i dun go coz i'll be goin in tis saturday and if i get injured and all tt.... and i walked away. I was dead sure i was goin. Wenta my room to perform the last prayer of the day wen i overheard mama lecturing in the living room. The door was closed -- imagine the volume outside. My name was heard and tmr's game was heard and it all meant one thing -- bad news.

Heard frm my bros tt mama said tt if i were to go tmr morning, she wun tok to us. Coz presumably, us kids hav gone overboard lah. Not listening to her and god knows what else. If it's my bros goin out wif relatives(they went bowling ytd) or my sis wif her outings and wat not, then me and my...... me and my what?

I hardly go out. And now u noe why.

So will filial me not go out? And wat would i get in return? A me who so badly wanna play but fail to do so? But if i go, what would tt make me? What if she suddenly says she's not going to send me to tekong and i can jolly well ask the frens i so badly wanna be wif to send me there? Knowing me, i'd say why not and go there myself!

But i would definitely regret tis. Of coz i know there are plenty of u guys who would say tt u wun mind sending me over but.... u can sense the seriousness in this entry can u?

There u go.... a dilemma.. I hv 6 hours to make up my mind -- if i dun slp tt is. WOuld i go, or would i not go? Normally theres someone to tok to but.... haha.... it's been a while. nites.

ive never blogged wat another blogger blogged b4..

I was rediculously hopping frm one blog to another looking for sthg decent to read. And its soooo early in e day. i guess im slowly passing time. Anws, a blog caught my eye. And must i add tt i hv not heard of tis blogger b4 or knew her in person or knew of her blog b4. It's one of the many random blogs i glanced thru -- and one of the rare few tt i actually took time to read.

IN this girl's profile, there's a part which toks abt her dream guy... how she wants him to be tall but not to tall, capable (care to expl wat it means anyone? haha), knowledgeable, sensitive and protective yet not posessive, gv her a sense of security and she added "VERY IMPT!! HAHA" .The guy must be rugged too and she cant take wimpy guys and the guy must also not use profanities in front of girls and blah blah blah lah. But e last part quite neat sia.

She said "See.. ive such high standards. So ill probably be a spinster for life. Then again, if the right guy happens to come along, i dun care if he meets the standard."

hehe. sweet. And she blogged ytd (i like reading entries posted VERY recently). It was a list of quotes. I read each word, every single line. So i guess now, i'll list some selected few -- with no apparent or not apparent reasons watsover. yea.

SHould i smile because ure my fren or shuld i cry becoz tts all we'll ever be?

Absence is to love wat wind is to fire; it extiguishes the small and kindles the great.

How can u be frens wif someone if everytime u look at them, it makes u want them even more?

Its hard to tell ur mind to stop loving someone if ur heart still does.

Have u ever noticed tt the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside u and u can never hv them?

It hard to pretend u love someone when u dun. BUt it's harder to pretend u do not love someone when u do.

And lastly, I know in reality we cant be together, so i just close my eyes and ure right here wif me. In my dreams, ure mine forever.

I've to admit ive never blogged abt wat others wrote on their blog this extensively b4. Maybe somehow, the reason why this was the first is becoz ive not the courage to actually blog abt it and blogging abt wat someone else wrote on their blog becomes the perfect excuse.