Sleep and Dreams

The best sleep are often the sleep you fall into while still wearing your not-so-clean work attire; the dreams are often so deep and real -it feels as though there's a dream machine that weaves details from work, me visiting Grandma, my inner thoughts and reflections as well as random Facebook pictures and comments that left an impression as I speedscroll down my newsfeed - that it does not feel like a sleep nor a dream.

Alarm rings. Mama wakes up. She cooks something up. Everyone else wakes up. Goodbye, night. Hello, brand new day.

Graduation and Other Scribbles

It's been a while.

It's been almost a week into Ramadhan. I've always wanted to lead the family for prayers but for some reasons, getting everyone together all of a sudden just wasnt easy. But when Mama reiterated her desire  to pray together, I realized that perhaps it's about time I tried once more. Perhaps in time, my siblings will be more receptive to the idea of praying in a congregation. Meanwhile, I don't mind being mama's imam. That's a start.

The day I put on my graduation gown finally arrived. I don't feel the excitement nor the need to celebrate. Loved seeing old friends though - friends whom I will miss. Wished I could hug and thank them for being such lovely friends but I have a problem expressing feelings. So I hugged and thanked them in my mind and hoped that somehow, they get that vibe. Studying felt like an obligation I needed to fulfill. I stuck to my job, completed it and now I'm slightly more than a month into my next obligation - work.  I didn't see the need to be happy nor be proud of my achievement cause honestly, I do not feel as though I've done much. All I did was study.

Thankful I am to have been given the opportunity to have gone this far, alhamdulillah. I want to start thinking of ways and means to live a life that'll make a difference in someone else's life. Hope to start with Mama, and then the family and more.

Grandma was admitted to the hospital again. One could only pray that she gets well soon. 

Graduation to me feels like a day to reflect and be thankful to all who's been involved in my life. My father, grandmother, mother, auntie, sister and my brothers as well as the friends whom I've met and made friends with all these years. My heartiest thanks.

Plans

As we stood at the train platform waiting for the next train to arrive, I noticed an MRT employee who was probably in her early fifties walking up and down the aisle. Couldn't help but notice the slight limp as she walked. As she shook her tired arms, one could only imagine how badly it must've ached.

I told my mom that someone her age should be at home relaxing and enjoy the support of her children. Upon some further thoughts, I said that perhaps, she's not married. Upon much more thought, I said that perhaps, she's married but her children aren't supporting her well. Or perhaps, she got married to a  problematic guy. Or perhaps, she's married but doesn't have children. Or perhaps ...

And finally I said to her, just goes to show that life's unpredictable. No matter how much one tries to plan, the end result may not always be as we want to be. Getting married or not has it's own pros and cons. Sometimes, we try to give our kids the best of upbringing yet they do not turn out as well as we want them to be. Mama said she simply let us be and am thankful that the four of us turned out fine. She added that everything that happens in life test our character. Just gotta be patient and react accordingly.


Along the way back, I remarked that I've been coming back home everyday with dusty socks, shirts and jeans. Mama replied that when Dad used to cut grass for a living, he'd come back home with grass everywhere. Guess we're similar in some ways. Even though we didn't talk much, the subtle things that he does I seem to adopt.

Heart and Soul

Anonymous once commented that I've got a philosophic, poetic soul that threatens to rip my heart into pieces.

I'm still learning how to mend hearts.

Time

So I didn't write for nearly 3 weeks. There's much to write and reflect about but work just makes me wanna just lie down and let the tiredness slowly dissipate.

Last Friday, my grandma was admitted to the hospital due to stroke. It's her second. Somehow I just can't help but think about my late dad's second stroke. Like dad, my grandma's stroke resulted in her loosing her ability to speak. She struggles to open her eyes. The grip of her right hand no longer as strong. The movement of her right foot the only clear sign that she's awake.

I know she hears us. Recitation of the Quran brings tears to her eyes. I whisper simple and short surahs into her ear hoping that she hears and recite it with me in her heart.

If I were in her shoes, I'd want someone by my side to read to me the Quran. To tell me stories and talk to me about nice things. I'd want someone to hold my hand or massage my feet or aching back. It must be pretty uncomfortable to be living life with your eyes closed - so hearing familiar voices might help comfort me somewhat.

Tomorrow might only be my 3rd week at work, but I'm already thinking about the end of my life. I wonder if anyone will be by my side should a similar situation happen to me. I wonder if I've done enough during the course of my life to be ready to greet the angel of Death. Having looked forward, I then look back to today and remind myself to live life carefully henceforth.

Looking at the amount of time available between now and the end, I probably need to start drafting a plan.