Till next time, insyaallah

Dari Surah Al-Isra' Ayat 23-24:

23. Dan Tuhanmu telah memerintahkan agar kamu jangan menyembah selain Dia dan hendaklah berbuat baik kepada ibu bapak. Jika salah seorang di antara keduanya atau kedua-duanya sampai berusia lanjut dalam pemeliharaanmu, maka sekali-kali janganlah engkau mengatakan kepada keduanya perkataan "ah" dan janganlah engkau membentak keduanya, dan ucapkanlah kepada keduanya perkataan yang baik.

24. Dan rendahkanlah dirimu terhadap keduanya dengan penuh kasih sayang dan ucapkanlah, "Wahai Tuhanku! Sayangilah keduanya sebagaimana mereka berdua telah mendidik aku pada waktu kecil.

The End of a Chase Marks the Start of Another

Alhamdulillah. The results are finally out today and it turned out fine. After 7 semesters, I finally managed to pull up my GPA to above the 3-point mark. So come July, I'll be graduating with a 3rd Class Honours (a Class that is insignificant to most, but valuable to my mother nonetheless). When I broke the news to Mama, she hugged and kissed and was visibly much more happy than I was. SMSed my younger sister, who replied she was proud of me. Didnt got the chance to tell my younger brothers - but Im sure Mama's done that for me when they left for school.

I then looked back at life prior to today and revisit the many individuals who have been such a huge influence in my life - whether they realized it or not. I feel so thankful and grateful to have met them along the way. Life would've been different without them. May Allah reward them and their loved ones both in dunya and in the Hereafter.

I then looked forward at life henceforth. As I pack my bag for Umrah next week, it feels as though I'm moving from one life to another. I really hope that my pilgrimage will be accepted and that insyaallah, I'll come back a better person.

Alhamdulillah, a week before my leaving, I've been greeted with good grades. A week after my return insyaallah, I'll be greeted with my first job. I had agreed to start work on the 18th of June without me realizing the significance of the date. Mama pointed out that it was the day of my dad's passing 6 years ago.

6 years ago, I wrote, im only 18. But God willing, we'll sail out of this darkness together as a family. 6 years later, here I am writing on the same old blog - bursting with joy and elation inside.

“In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all the Worlds
The Beneficent, the Merciful,
The Master of the Day of Judgment
You alone do we worship, You alone do we ask for help
Guide us to the Straight Path,
The Path of those whom You favor, not the path of those who are astray.”
Quran (1:1-7)

Sweet Distraction

It's been a while since I got sweetly distracted - the last one being a little kid I met on the train way back in January. Back then, school and my final year project were top on my mind. Besides, lessons from past distractions remind me that it's foolish to allow myself to be distracted.

However, now that school's over, it's a slightly different story.

D-Day

As we waited outside the seminar room, we saw the professors come our away. They were surprising smiley and happy. And throughout the presentation, they were surprisingly smiley even though we forgot our lines. During the Question and Answer session, we could answer most of the questions. And thankfully, my project supervisor even added on to our answers to support us. It went really really well, especially when compared to the horror scene I played out in my mind.

I guess sometimes, I worry too much.

I thought about celebrating the end of FYP by watching a movie or something. But settled for lunch with my FYP partner. It was one of the quietest meal we've had. He was the first guy I made friend with on my first day in school and it's funny he's the guy I end my last day of school with. I looked back at all the tough and rough times we had and realized that if I felt that my patience is being tested, he too must've been as patient, if not more patient - to have tolerated my demands and moods. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

Friends, I'm gonna miss them.

FYP Oral Presentation

Plenty of horror stories from Day 1. Mine's in 12 hours time.

Looking back, as always, things can be completed a lot earlier but somethings are just beyond my control. It takes two to tango. I find my patience constantly being tested - perhaps, that's the best learning point from this FYP journey. Advice, help, and perhaps some pushing can help one perform better. As I was doing up my slides, I told my partner that I need his help to criticize my slides and script. I told him that I find it easy to listen to others and give my comments about the presentations, but struggle to advice my own self. I can't criticize and improve on my own. I need someone else to tell me what I'm doing wrong, and advice me on what I should do. Thankfully, he was there to help.

Could it be that the reason why I'm ever so willing to give in, listen to others, and help the people around me is because secretly, I yearn for someone to listen, give in, and help me when I need help? I don't know. Probably. Maybe. But me being me, I wouldn't admit if this is true, would I?

May He make tomorrow's presentation smooth-flowing. May I don't forget the things I'm supposed to say. May the professor and moderator be kind and friendly and generous. It's been a long journey. Right now, I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. I'm so looking forward to a good night sleep.

Emptiness

When my younger sister goes on a holiday, the house feels unusually quiet. And a part of my heart feels vacant like her now empty room. It feels lousy to be separated from family. It reminds me of my recruit days in Tekong - the nights spent talking to my mum on the phone and how I look forward to coming back home every weekend. Perhaps, that's why I prefer to spend my holidays at home.

There's so many things on my mind right now ...

..and I just can't sort them out into nice paragraphs of words.

The exams are over. It was over last week. But a post was scribbled and left with the many piles of drafts coz it was deemed mundane. The numbers of Saturdays I have left with my kids are numbered. I'm probably left with one. Have yet to let them know. Am thinking how best I can say farewell. And then there's the preparation for next week's Oral Presentation. Trying to put the report into presentation slides and coming up with a 20 mins script and rehearsing seems pretty daunting. The problem with me is that internally, I break down when required to come face to face with a monster. I've yet to cultivate the ability to tell myself:

"Now son, look at me. Stop looking at too big a picture. Zoom in on one thing at a time. In your attempts to try and kill two birds with one stone, you almost always end up killing nothing at all. So please, dear boy. Focus."

Half my mind is somewhere in Mecca - thinking of the things I wanna do, wondering what it'll feel like. And there's the packing. There's also post-exams activity to look forward to - people to visit, say hello to, catch up. There's so many people I'd like to meet and thank personally for being such wonderful people in my life.

I recently attended a talk about the Malay Community. And I want to do something to help (and the brain starts to overwork itself again by looping arguments over and over again). Attending that talk made me realize that I'm not exceptionally good at anything. And when I asked myself what I wanna be exceptionally good at if given the opportunity, it's the ability to understand and appreciate the Quran. I wanna be able to know which verses are where and the reason and place and context in which the verses were revealed. And in order to do that, I need to make the Quran my companion and do lots of reading. I'd need books and references and teachers and classes.

And then there's the driving test in 2 weeks. It's 2am. Got a driving practical tomorrow morning. Slides and script at probably 30% completion. Slight headache.

So many things on my mind right now. May Allah ease me in my journey to accomplish these tasks and dreams of mine. May Allah ease you in the journey you're on.