Thursday, June 18, 2009

Three years on

Amidst all things sweet and beautiful, it takes Mother to remind me that today marks three years since the day he left us.

3 days before the day he was admitted to the hospital, I had noted in an entry that Dad's been coming back home looking more and more tired every night. But never was I moved to ask him how he was feeling or if he'd like a cup of coffee. And likewise, never was he moved to ask how i was feeling or how was I coping with army.

I have always wondered why he wasnt the talker. I have always wondered why he doesnt seem to care. And if he did, I wondered why he doesnt seem to show or say it. Or at least to me. Three years on, I realised that the question i asked would be the same questions others would ask about me.

Perhaps me being the eldest, he was letting me grow freely. I'd like to think that the fact that he didnt talk much to me was because he'd want me to think on my own two feets. And perhaps seeing me grow into the person i am was enough satisfaction for him. And on my part, seeing him working hard all those years was enough to tell me that he cared.

There came a time when, according to Mother, he realised that he could have done more talking with me. But since he cant turn back time with me, he changed his approach with the other 3. I have wondered why he didnt change his approach with me but three years on, I realised that I too would have done the same. I would've hoped for my eldest child to realize that though i may not converse with him much, it doesnt necessarily mean that I do not care.

I guess both him and I are very much alike. We're both stubborn and prefers to let our actions speak louder than words. Him letting me grow freely had made me into a thinker. Always thinking about things. Always analysing the consequences of every little things I do.

Three years on, there're so many things that are happening that I just cant think and decide for myself. There are times when I wish he was around to offer me an advice or two. I'd like to know if the decisions i made are the right ones or the wrong ones. I'd like to see the joy on his face knowing that the twins are doing tremendously well in their studies and that his daughter has graduated from poly.

I'd like to know his thoughts about the one that left a pretty sweet impression.

Three years on, how I wish he was still around.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awww..u brought tears in my eyes when reading this..realising how similar u are to shows how closest u are to him than u realised..The fact that you all look after yourself and each other esp your mother responsibly, not only would your dad be proud..I am very inspired with your strength and perseverance despite the struggles ...our prayers always for him k..Take care dik..