Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Extended Journey

The Journey.

It's filled with hopes and dreams and sweet distractions that sometimes, we distract ourselves from the bigger journey. I know I do.

Ramadhan came 11 days ago. I wasn't excited. I wasn't reluctant either. Life was pretty much the same except for the fact that I had to wake up early for my meal, I couldn't eat or drink for the rest of the day until it's time to break my fast. And after Maghrib, sometimes a trip to the nearby mosque. Most times not.

During the days before the coming of Ramadhan, I read with doubt the excitement of my friends of the coming of this Holy monthvia their Facebook statuses. I asked myself why am I not feeling likewise. Or should I say, why do I no longer feel likewise?

I remember my younger days where I would rush to the mosque on my rusty yet faithful bike. I recall seeing friends sitting at the back of the mosque while the others prayed and I asked myself questions like, "Why come in the first place?". And when crowds left after 8 rakaats of prayers, I asked myself, "Why the rush? It's Ramadhan. The more we pray, the more we read the Quran, the more we listen to recitations of the Quran, the more rewards we get. The easier our passage to Heaven."

I miss the innocence of old. The innocence of new is a dream to pursuit a degree in law one day.

What's the point of dreaming of becoming a better someone when I know my relationship with God is getting worse by the day. This past 11 days, Ive let slipped by blindly. Worse still, knowingly.

Today, after morning prayers, I logged on to Facebook. Checked my notifications. Added a new friend. Looked through the newsfeed. A video caught my eye. I sat through the 80 mins Youtube video and for the first time is a very very very long time, I cried. I've never felt so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know there's nothing I can do about the 11 days that Ive let slipped pass. I just need to make up for lost time.

I want to be a better person. But why can't God just make my prayers come true? Why is it so hard to be someone good?

Oh my Lord I know I don’t deserve your heaven
And yet your blazing wrath I could never defend
So Lord rain down upon this lowly soul your forgiveness
Lord you and you alone forgive and wash away the most grievous sins

My sins are countless as the sands on the shore
Accept my repentance, O Lord of Majesty
For my life grows shorter with each day
While my sins increase with each passing moment

O my Lord, Your sinful servant approaches You
Continuously sinning while steadfastly beseeching You
If You forgive, You are most capable of doing so
And if You forsake me, then to whom else can I turn…

Here's the abovementioned Youtube video:

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