The Runner

Am I a runner?

When things go wrong, I pack up my stuffs and run to some place new to rebuild a new life. While I really do care about the people and things I leave behind, sometimes I feel that it's better to run than to fix broken stuffs. Why bother fixing only to see it come crashing down over and over again - knowing me?

I used to think I'm not a runner. Today, looking back at all the things I have done, I realize I am one. I run and I will keep on running, until I'm tired of running. So my advance apologies should you wake up the next morning only to find me gone ...

... without saying goodbye. Life sucks. Sometimes. At least there's Glee.

Hoping beyond hope

We drew 2-2 this afternoon. We scored the first goal and celebrated like we had won. Shortly after though, they equalized. We then surprised ourselves again by scoring a second with only minutes left to play. This time, we celebrated like we had won the Champions League. And yeah... shortly after, they equalized - again.

grrrr. So close. We were so close. I was *this* close to writing an entry for floorball that has a "we had lost a game but won the next. We qualified for the quarters." But I guess it wasnt meant to be. "If only I had used my legs or body to block the shot instead of the stick." I told myself. "If only..."

I had signed up for floorball expecting nothing much besides making new friends and learning a new sport. I made new friends, and loved a new sport. But why am I feeling so bothered that we didn't win? Could it be love? Could my love for the game, and my teammates, have changed my initial expectations? Maybe. I guess I'm one who hates to be on the losing side when I'm involved in something that I love - for I love a fairy tale ending.

I later found myself asking if it's possible for one to love so many at the same time. I said I love soccer, frisbee and now floorball. I love to write and I loved Magical Realism. I love my family and my friends. And if there's a girl, then perhaps her too. So I guess the draw could be a sign that says, "This is what happens when one starts to love. In love, there will always be disappointment. So if you're gonna start loving one too many things, you just gotta learn how to live with the disappointments that might be waiting round the corner." But since I'm generous with the word "love", I guess I could try to love the disappointment that awaits me.

I know full well too that life isn't a story that I can simply write about. I know that things may or may not go my way. And when it does, thank god. And when it doesn't, I think I need to remind myself that things always happen for a reason. Perhaps I'm not meant to play 3 sports concurrently: my right palm's aching and I'm seeing blue veins; my right forearm feels so tight that I feel so tempted to try and punch through one of the blue walls of my room (I cant decide which one); my left feet and left hamstring are slightly strained. If I had to choose just one sport, I guess my choice is pretty obvious.


However, there IS a twist to my fairy tale (as always).

We lost a game, and drew another. All we need now is a miracle. The team we lost to 5-1 yesterday has to win the team we drew this afternoon by 5 goals in order for us to qualify. I know it's hard but the side of me that believes in the 0.00001% probability of it happening is definitely still in me somewhere. I'm just hoping beyond hope.

Fight or flight or break

When facing adversity, one can choose to either stay and fight or take flight and avoid the problem altogether.

But what if one cant choose?

What if one breaks down before he can even decide between "fight" and "flight"?

After a stumble, one can simply dust off one's bruised hands and knees. But what seemed to me like a little stumble could very well be a huge fall to others. And if someone broke into a million pieces after that fall, is there ever a way to piece all the the broken pieces back together? And if there is way, will that broken piece ever be the same?

While it is very clear that a broken vase cannot be fixed on its own, it is not as straight forward as to who or how the broken vase should be fixed. If it's not done the right way, the vase will just come falling again upon the slightest of touches.

Fight or flight

Results are out and I believe i did pretty well despite that minor stumble.

I remarked to someone that having stumbled, I somehow felt as though I've lost all rights to dream and be visionary. That feeling lasted about 5 seconds.

It's just a stumble. I didnt fall.

But even if I did fall, I'll look around to see if anyone saw me fall. If someone saw, I'll be cool and pretend nothing had happened. I'll then pick myself up, dust my slightly bruised hands and knees and ........

..... keep on flying.

Failure

"What is an alchemist?" he asked, finally.

"It's a man who understands nature and the world. If he wanted to, he could destroy this camp just with the force of the wind."

The men laughed. They were used to the ravages of war, and knew that the wind could not deliver them a fatal blow. Yet each felt his heart beat a bit faster. They were men of the desert, and they were fearful of sorcerers.

"I want to see him do it," said the chief.

"He needs three days," answered the alchemist. "He is going to transform himself into the wind, just to demonstrate his powers. If he can't do so, we humbly offer you our lives, for the honor of your tribe."

"You can't offer me something that is already mine," the chief said, arrogantly. But he granted the travelers three days.The boy was shaking with fear, but the alchemist helped him out of the tent.

"Don't let them see that you're afraid," the alchemist said. "They are brave men, and they despise cowards."

But the boy couldn't even speak. He was able to do so only after they had walked through the center of the camp. There was no need to imprison them: the Arabs simply confiscated their horses. So, once again, the world had demonstrated its many languages: the desert only moments ago had been endless and free, and now it was an impenetrable wall.

"You gave them everything I had!" the boy said. "Everything I've saved in my entire life!"

"Well, what good would it be to you if you had to die?" the alchemist answered.

"Your money saved us for three days. It's not often that money saves a person's life."

But the boy was too frightened to listen to words of wisdom. He had no idea how he was going to transform himself into the wind. He wasn't an alchemist!

The alchemist asked one of the soldiers for some tea, and poured some on the boy's wrists. A wave of relief washed over him, and the alchemist muttered some words that the boy didn't understand.

"Don't give in to your fears," said the alchemist, in a strangely gentle voice. "If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart."

"But I have no idea how to turn myself into the wind."

"If a person is living out his destiny, he knows everything he needs to know. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

"I'm not afraid of failing. It's just that I don't know how to turn myself into the wind."

"Well, you'll have to learn; your life depends on it."

"But what if I can't?"

"Then you'll die in the midst of trying to realize your destiny. That's a lot better than dying like millions of other people, who never even knew what their destinies were.

"But don't worry," the alchemist continued. "Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives."

........."The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho