Saturday, August 29, 2009

A stranger's scent

There seems to be a long list of formulas to memorize. Concepts after concepts to understand. Piles of tutorials to do. Not forgetting endless online physics questions. These bothered me a little.

I hate the fuss over birthdays. To me, it's just another day. One just happen to be a year older, that's all. Or perhaps, im just bothered by my non-birthdays that I do not see a big deal out of it. So, do we celebrate birthdays? Wish each other Happy Birthday? Get presents? Or why bother? I hate birthdays. So these thoughts bothered me a little.

For some reason, I like things simple. Why bother with the hassle of steamboat when one can just cook everything as per normal? When things get a little off from the norm, i feel bothered. When there's no rice when we break our fast, I get a little bit bothered. But when I see different variations of noodles for the past several days, I began to feel disturbed.

So on her birthday, when she asked how'd I grade her cooking, I told her: 3/10. I couldve made her feel better by giving her a full marks on her birthday, considering that I didnt get her anything, but I didnt. Simply because I wasnt in the mood to be nice. I was disturbed. I was bothered.

I reflected on my being a selfish jerk while walking to the mosque. Mum has been there preparing all the food. She's the first to wake up and the last to sleep each morning. Yet why was I being selfish? I asked myself why I can be selfless most of the time but whenever I slip into the rare selfish mode, I do it all wrong.

The time came for Isya' prayers. As soon as it began, a stranger stepped up beside me. At that moment, it felt as though my dad was there beside me. The subtle smell of cigarette reminded me of the times he'd kiss us on our cheeks before he left for work. I could feel his rough moustache and beard against my face. How I longed to experience it again.

It was as if he knew the going ons in my head. And that he was there by my side to tell me that he's back. To assure me that things will be well.

I wished to tell him how I didnt mean to be mean to mum - that it was because I was feeling just a little bothered.

I wished to tell him how well my brothers are doing in school - but I'm sure he already knew.

I wished to tell him not to go but before I could tell him, he was gone. It's been 3 years and this was the first time in a long time he felt so close. It was also the first time in a long time I felt so bad.

Tears rolled down my eyes. All because of a stranger's scent.

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