I saw, turned around and looked the other way. Sighs. This semester, I shall keep the same old stories to myself. On a totally separate note, my notes have been printed. I'm ready to study. All the best to you my silent readers, and me.
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."
You know mum's feeling alot better when you realize that she remembers today's her birthday while I, on the other hand, errrr.... completely genuinely cleanly forgot. I had to ask her how old she is for I never took note of her age. I'm fine telling myself she's fifty something forever.
I received a farewell gift yesterday. It was my last day of work. As soon as I reached home late that night, the little boy in me immediately went to my mama's room to show her what I got. She saw the box, and sat up excitedly. The smile on her face. It's felt like a long time since I saw that smile.
The box. The smile. The excitement. Oh no!
"Ma... no no no. I'm sorry! This isn't yours. It's mine and I just wanted to show it to you. Oh man.... I forgot. It's your birthday isn't it? I forgot!!"
It surprises me though how happy a gift can make one feel. The gift I received made me feel touched. And I know I almost made my mum feel likewise. I'll make it up to her somehow. I've got something in mind. (:
After a timely wake-up call yesterday morning, I made my way to the mosque that night. I stayed back all the way till the end to listen to the minutes-turn-hour long tazkirah. What he said moved me. The fact that he's a young imam yet so eloquent in arabic moved me. I remember being younger wanting to be like the young imams that read oh-so-beautifully. I know I still do wanna be like them. I need to change. I want to. So help me God.
It's been a long long time since I had conversations with God. Apparently, the best time to have conversations with God is deep into the night.... say around 3-4am. But what do I do? I don't think I've got much to ask or say to him.
Today, I woke up early for tuition only to find mum lying on the couch. She usually continues her sleep on the couch after morning prayers. I later came back to find her still lying on the couch. I found it weird. Perhaps she's tired. I switched on the telly and opened the windows in the living room - her constant coughing was disturbing and I didnt want germs to linger. The living room got brighter. Afterall, it was already noon. She got up and went to her bedroom. I thought she'd probably wash up and do what she usually do. However, she remained in bed till about 10pm.
She refused to eat much when it was time to break her fast. I asked if she wanted some bread, a banana, anything. She simply shook her head. Took a sip of tea and went back to bed. I realised late on in the day that the youngest brother of mine was down with fever when I saw him covered with a cold wet towel. Touched his body and that kid was hot. He ate half a slice of bread for break fast.
I sat at the dinner table feeling helpless. Mum in bed. The brother refusing to eat much. What was I to do? It's times like this that I wish Dad's still around. He'll know what to do. He'll probably drive them both to the clinic or something. How do I look after an ill mother, or my ill brother?
I remembered some words from yesterday's tazkirah - to seek help from Him. I realized I've been taking things for granted one too many times. I forgot to be grateful. The people around me, our health ... these can be taken away from us at any time. Dear God, I believe I've learnt my lesson. I shall seek to have conversations with you this Ramadhan and beyond. I hope mother and brother get well soon.
It's filled with hopes and dreams and sweet distractions that sometimes, we distract ourselves from the bigger journey. I know I do.
Ramadhan came 11 days ago. I wasn't excited. I wasn't reluctant either. Life was pretty much the same except for the fact that I had to wake up early for my meal, I couldn't eat or drink for the rest of the day until it's time to break my fast. And after Maghrib, sometimes a trip to the nearby mosque. Most times not.
During the days before the coming of Ramadhan, I read with doubt the excitement of my friends of the coming of this Holy monthvia their Facebook statuses. I asked myself why am I not feeling likewise. Or should I say, why do I no longer feel likewise?
I remember my younger days where I would rush to the mosque on my rusty yet faithful bike. I recall seeing friends sitting at the back of the mosque while the others prayed and I asked myself questions like, "Why come in the first place?". And when crowds left after 8 rakaats of prayers, I asked myself, "Why the rush? It's Ramadhan. The more we pray, the more we read the Quran, the more we listen to recitations of the Quran, the more rewards we get. The easier our passage to Heaven."
I miss the innocence of old. The innocence of new is a dream to pursuit a degree in law one day.
What's the point of dreaming of becoming a better someone when I know my relationship with God is getting worse by the day. This past 11 days, Ive let slipped by blindly. Worse still, knowingly.
Today, after morning prayers, I logged on to Facebook. Checked my notifications. Added a new friend. Looked through the newsfeed. A video caught my eye. I sat through the 80 mins Youtube video and for the first time is a very very very long time, I cried. I've never felt so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know there's nothing I can do about the 11 days that Ive let slipped pass. I just need to make up for lost time.
I want to be a better person. But why can't God just make my prayers come true? Why is it so hard to be someone good?
Oh my Lord I know I don’t deserve your heaven
And yet your blazing wrath I could never defend
So Lord rain down upon this lowly soul your forgiveness
Lord you and you alone forgive and wash away the most grievous sins
My sins are countless as the sands on the shore
Accept my repentance, O Lord of Majesty
For my life grows shorter with each day
While my sins increase with each passing moment
O my Lord, Your sinful servant approaches You
Continuously sinning while steadfastly beseeching You
If You forgive, You are most capable of doing so
And if You forsake me, then to whom else can I turn…
What started out as a chase(or a non-chase depending on your perspective) has just turned into a quest to make it into the school's floorball team and maybe even be captain one day. Granted, I've probably the least experience amongst all of them but slowly and surely, I'm absorbing as much as I can from my teammates who seem to be more than willing to teach. Also, it doesn't hurt to dream, does it?
I've spent a decent amount of dough on a floorball stick and shoes - to the displeasure of my sister who thinks I'm spending money unnecessarily. At least she knows what it feels like to see siblings "wasting" money away now that she's the sole breadwinner. Little things like this tells me she's finally growing up.
I digress. The stick and the shoes are my way of committing myself to this sport. I'm fully aware that the chances of me getting the sack is high. But I shall hang on till the very end.
If this chase falls apart, I know I could still go back to recreational and non-chase whoever it is that I'm not non-chasing. This is my journey.
