When your problem becomes mine.

I don't feel too good.

Somewhere out there, there's a mother who's trying hard to get her daughter back despite the abuse. And there's a little girl who smiles despite the odds. Why must there be one sad soul for every nine happy individuals? Why can't everyone just be happy? Yes this feeling will go as soon as I fall asleep, but times like this I wonder why sad stories make me sad. Perhaps it's because I attach myself to individuals a tad too easily. Thus, their problem becomes mine. Sighs.

La tahzan. Innallaha ma'anaa.

The heart knows

Things happen for a reason. There's no point rushing.

Some time back, I wanted to join a group that aims to help out the Primary 6 madrasah students in Singapore in preparation for their final-year examinations.

But time became a factor - school's too busy and that I needed time for studying. But then I realized hours of floorball managed to be squeezed into this recent semester's timetable so how could it be time? Money became a factor. I needed Saturday mornings to teach at least one kid so that there's some money going into my bank account. And then I realized that the more money I have, the more I tend to spend. Friends became a factor too. I didnt know anyone in APEX. There were a few guys though, but none whom I knew.

However, despite the excuses, one thing remained constant - I wanna help, one day.

A week ago, I saw a publicity ad regarding a mentoring workshop. No friends, I said. A few days later, an sms regarding a camp from a friend asking if I could bring another guy friend as facilitators and that another friend of mine will be there too. Just great. I'm trapped. But I immediately realized that this could be my way in. Fast forward to today, the heart tries and fails as he tries to think of a reason to not join APEX.

When asked why APEX Arabiah: "The heart knows."

Sign Language

I wish I could sign and tell her what's on my mind.

Deconstructing one's self

As I "deconstruct" myself, I look for flaws that lie within me and I try to "fix" it. I strive for that perfection. I am a perfectionist.

One flaw is this tendency to put others before self to the extent that I neglect my own self. Another is the constant need to reflect and think about the things I have done, am doing or about to do. According to people who have observed me sufficiently, this then makes me a less confident person. Am I? I don't think I am.

It's kinda interesting to be the subject of an analysis. The ability to look at one's self from someone else's eyes had allowed me to deconstruct myself further. Insyaallah, I'll be a better person one day.

The Stranger

I'll always be a stranger even though everything's out here waiting to be read. Well, almost everything.

Stress ey?

Stress is a sucky feeling in times like this.

Over the next 8 days, I'll be sitting for 6 more papers and the feeling truly sucks. While the semester seemed to have started great, it kinda went downhill somehow. If there's a lesson to be learnt this semester, it's about consistency. (IT'S NOT EASY TO BE CONSISTENT!!)

Anws, I was freakily stressed for my first paper last Saturday. No information seems to be going into this thick skull of mine. A Facebook comment told me to read 20 : 25-28. I immediately flipped the Quran. I realized it was lines I used to always read 3 times before the start of every examination that I sat for.... when I was in primary school. I guess I stopped as I grew older. I then read the translation that was written at the sides. It calmed me down a great deal.

The next day, I grabbed my brother's jacket and the other brother's pencil and went for my paper. Knowing that they're with me, helps. That said, it doesn't really make the paper any easier. Haha.

8 more days. Hope things go decently okay.

Like a lost floc

But somehow, it gets harder to study when the crucial dates get closer. I don't feel too good. And I thought being in my third year, I'd become a tad smarter in terms of managing my time. I don't feel prepared. I'm scared. I feel like a lost floc settling so freaking slowly down a bottomless sedimentation tank.

I'm gonna walk into the examination hall, scribble some stuffs and walk away hoping to get a grade for it. Again. And if I don't, well, I could try again next semester. And the next. Sigh.

Mum's been asking how's school. The people I study with in school. The place where I sleep whenever I spend the night in school. The food I eat. Sighs. Each time she asks, I'll give the "shrugs-your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine" look and say, "I don't know."

I think she knows I'm struggling. I think I just found out I'm struggling and now, I just feel like vanishing into thin air. Irresponsible of me, I know. And then I saw a note on Facebook:

How to get an A Grade Final Exam?
By Muhammad Alshareef

1. In school, you can often redo your exam if you fail. In the
hereafter, if one fails there is no going back.

2. In school, you often do not know what questions will be asked. In
the hereafter, there are only 3 questions: Who is your Lord? What is
your Deen? And who is this man who was sent to you? But the answers
are answers you live by.

3. In school, we stay up at night to prepare for the exam the next
day. So too in Allah's exam, we should be staying up in night prayers.

4. In school, we pray and hope and work for an outstanding mark. So
too should be our attitude towards Allah's exam.

5. In school, when we get a great mark, we erupt with happiness. So
too will the believers erupt in happiness when they get their books in
their right hands. Work for it.

6. In school, when we get a bad mark, sadness can be seen on our
faces, and we dislike to face others. So too in the hereafter. Protect
yourself from that.

7. During a school exam, you cannot ask anyone for help. In the
hereafter, you can prepare from now to get assistance from Allah's
Messenger, the Quran, and other ways of intercession.

8. In school, when exam time draws near, we banish distractions to
focus on what is really important. In Allah's exam, isn't death within
1 heart beat? Banish distractions and focus.

9. In school, until exam results come out, we worry about the result.
In Allah's exam, we don't know what our result will be, so we spend
our days in hope and worry until the results come out.

Dear God, help me. For nothing is easy except what You have made easy.

The Sun is Sleeping

I fell asleep at around 8pm last night while briefly surfing Facebook on my mobile... while lying on the floor... on a big comfy pillow. I guess that's partly the reason why I choose to hang around in school to catch up on work.

However, what surprised me was that I didnt know I was this tired. The mind just tells me to study and I study, that's all.

I've been asked if I ever get bored of studying, in school, alone at times. And they doubt me when I told them I find joy in studying, in school, alone at times. I'm a weak learner. The mind doesnt work in the way I want it to work. But I still see myself somewhere in future. It might take a little longer than others but I'll still be there. And I feel that the only way to get there is through prayers, experience and hard work. Hard work and resilience are the two things that I believe will compensate for my inability to understand and store information in this brain of mine.

Well now I'm awake, studying. There's an old lady in the next room sleeping and for that very reason alone, I'll keep going no matter what.