Motivations

Supporting my family is my main motivation to work.

Whenever I see my brothers wake up and leave home for work at 6 in the morning on a Sunday only to return home at night, I wonder what drives them to do so. I observed that they are very committed and responsible when it comes to work. May these two brothers of mine will grow up to be fine individuals.

Motivation. The lack of it.

Dear God,

I'm in need of inspiration,

Suffering from a lack of motivation.

I can't explain this situation that I'm in,

But I know that strength lies somewhere within.

Find that inner strength I will, if You will,

Dear heart, be still.

Know that nothing is easy except what He have made easy.

Nothing is easy except what He have made easy.

Please make the difficult easy.

Inspirasi

"Somewhere there is another girl prettier than you, smarter than you, taller than you, skinnier than you. Another girl somewhere is more outgoing, more laid back, more interesting, more athletic. Another girl somewhere is not you. You may not be perfect, but someone someday will think you are. He will love you for each and every imperfection and flaw. He will wait all day just to see you and stay all night just to hold you. To him, you will be more than perfect, you’ll be the love of his life."

- Taken by a Blogger from a Livejournalist who took it from a Tumbler who reblogged it from another Tumbler who.... it'll never end.

Posts like the above never fails to put a smile on my face. The Livejournalist whom I copied the above from seems to be one full of hope and patience. She could be one who knows what she wants yet not go all out to get it. Every morning, she wakes up hoping a miracle would happen and that one day, insyaallah, she will meet the guy whom she's meant to be with. Idealistic individual I must say. She reminds me of me.

I'm looking outside my window right now as I let my thoughts settle down and I'm starting to realize that maybe just maybe, I'm attracted to individuals who do not try hard to impress. Individuals who live in their own little world with the own little group of friends. Individuals who are like me but not exactly like me. These individuals catch my attention. And I think I see that in my sweet distraction.

I do not think I am making the mistake of shutting everyone else out of my mind just because of one sweet distraction. Frankly, I think it's silly, but sweet. Idealistic individual I am. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But even if it isn't, I still do pray for your safety and hope that all is well.

It has been 4 days since I last wrote. Besides the above, I'm thinking of learning the art of Silat. I'm inspired by what I saw during the IVP tournament over the weekend. So, let it be written that I'm daring myself to take up this challenge.

Superheated Brothers

Yesterday was a long day. Upon reaching home, my brothers asked if I knew Thermodynamics - steam table, superheated vapour, saturated water and the likes. "Nope, I never learnt," I replied as I put my stuffs in my room.

Later I found out that they couldn't do any of the six questions and according to them, they've been at it for hours. They were about to call it a day but I told them to push on. And naturally, that would mean that I've got to push on with them.

I began by asking each of them to explain the meanings of certain terms and formulas. Their ability to explain to a newbie like me tells me that they do know their stuffs. I then put my awesome Googling ability to the test and stumbled upon worked examples.

We attempted all 6 questions in 3 hours. It was the first time in a long long time that I actually sat through their homework with them. It was also their first time doing school work till 1am. I believe that all kids need is someone to guide them when they're feeling helpless and lost. I hope that by helping them to understand those 6 questions without having any prior knowledge of the topic, it'll show them that school is not all that difficult. All they need is to try harder.

If only I practice what I preach.

Sunshine

I've been spending the past couple of days in school. Stayed over in a friend's hostel. I'm starting to like the idea of studying. The feeling of satisfaction when you FINALLY manage to understand concepts you've been trying to understand for the past many weeks is priceless.

It might be a little too late. But the feeling's wonderful.

I've also just found out that my friend's dad's a civil engineer. I'm hoping that he might be able to pull some strings for some sorta job during the summer holidays. How I'd love to shadow an engineer and learn a thing or two that might just make me all the more motivated to study! This and sunshine and the lingering dream of Australia....

Cmon guys! Let's stay motivated. Think of a dream right now and hold it close. Tell yourself that this is what you're studying for. You may stumble or fall along the way. Shit happens but we pick ourselves up and soldier on. Let's help one another. We're all in this together.

The Best of Both

Hadith:

On the authority of Ibn 'Umar r.a, who said: The Messenger of Allah (SAW), took me by the shoulder and said:

"Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler/wayfarer."

Ibn 'Umar r.a used to say:

"When evening comes, do not expect (to live till) morning, and when morning comes, do not expect (to live till) evening. Take from your health (a preparation) for your illness, and from your life for your death." [Al-Bukhari]

If your mind's currently in a mess, reflect upon the above as you digress from your revision. Let's not be too overwhelmed by tests, quizzes, assignments, reports, presentations and the inevitable final exams. When the going gets too tough, remember that we're only a traveler in this world.

We come, and we go.

As we prepare for the final exams, as we push ourselves beyond our limits, try ask ourselves if we're prepared for our next life. Maybe then, if the answer is no (I noe mine's a big NO), it puts the stress we're facing in perspective. This balance is hard to achieve I know. But we can try.

Entries with quotes from the Quran or the Hadith such as this will appear once in a while - usually when this writer feels so full of himself. It serves as a gentle reminder to himself, and to whoever's reading insyaallah, to strive for that balance in life.

To achieve the best of both worlds, always.

Back Home

We left for the hospital as soon as the kids left. We met my mum's sister. She's only a year older looking very weak. She mentioned how healthy-looking my mother was.

"Who asked you to move to Malaysia?" Teased my mother. Her husband looked on - smiling.

"Apa nak buat kalau jodoh kita orang Malaysia," she said weakly with a smile. Her husband added that disease knows no boundaries. If one's fated to fall sick, one will no matter where one is. They spoke and I could see that my sick aunt was glad that my mum dropped by - even if it was just for an hour or so. I guess it's little things like this that makes the difference.

As we're about to leave, we met her eldest son and youngest daughter. Again, it's funny though how warm they are with my mother. Afterall, it has been many years since the last time they visited us in Singapore.

I couldn't even recognize Aimi. I vaguely remember the little girl that came to our place a couple of times nearly a decade ago. And I only found out that she's 4 years younger than me. I found out coz somehow, I managed to speak to her. The me a decade ago would never. I asked her about school, talked about her course and stuffs. I asked her why we never spoke those many years ago when she came to stay over at our place with her mum and elder sister.

"Awak sombong," she said with a smile.

I simply smiled. I guess my introvert nature can easily be misread as arrogance and anti-social. I'm not surprised. I had always been the shy guy and still am I guess. But I'm talking more now though - I need to. Opportunities to talk such as this one comes once in perhaps 10 years so one has got to make every minute count.

We reached Singapore at around half past nine. As soon as we reached my place, we received an SMS from across the Causeway. Kak Bibah asked if we've reached home safely and said that she wanted to let us know that her dad's been warded into the hospital due to heart attack. My mum felt sad. I guess we'll never know what's going to happen next. I prayed for the both of them to recover soon.

Earlier, I received an sms that informed me that my faculty's floorball team didn't make it through to the quarters. I logged on to the Internet to check my examination results. I saw an F in a module that I found doable. But I smiled when I saw an A in Magical Realism. My GPA maintained. Alhamdulillah.

After a day of mixed emotions, I realized that the setbacks that I've experienced are nothing really. I took a deep breath, replanned my timetable and wrote about my trip. There's so many lovely things in life and I find it foolish to feel down because of a minor stumble. I just gotta pick myself up and move on. I've got dreams to make me study hard coz right now, I'm far from good. And not only that, I must study smart too! Insyaallah I will.

The Lovely Kids

We reached Malacca at around 11am. We met Kak Bibah, the daughter of my mum's elder sister. Despite decades since their last meeting, Kak Bibah was surprisingly very warm and friendly.

We made our way to her house first as hospital visiting hours was at 1pm. There, I met 2 lovely kids who made my day - an 8 year old girl and a 4 year old boy.

"Hi! Nama adek apa?"

He didnt reply and ran into his room. When he came back out, I smiled and asked for his name again. He didnt reply. He went to another room and came back with 2 toy cars. I reached out to him and asked if I could have one. He placed a car in my hand and went away. He then came back with more toys but whenever I asked for his name, he didnt reply.

"Do you want a sweet?" I asked as I remembered the Mentos in my pocket. Kids love candies. He nodded his head and reached his hand out. "But first, you got to tell me your name." He didnt answer. I held him close and looked him. I knew he wasnt going to tell me and I didnt want to let the kid wait for his candy. He smiled. I surrendered. He went away. I loved his smile.

He then came back and sat on my lap. And soon he was lying in my arms. I missed the feeling of caring and loving for someone ever since my brothers grew up and had decided that grown ups shouldnt be loved like as though they're small kids.

As the boy laid in my arms, I asked him for his name again. He just smiled. Something doesnt seem right. He went off to clear his toys and moments later, he was standing right next to me - looking and pointing to my sweets. He pointed at the colour green but it would mean that I have to eat 2 purple ones. So, I did. Mentos should've arranged their sweets randomly and not by colors. He was happy and walked over to his mum to have breakfast.

I looked around and saw the little girl combing her hair in front of the mirror. It's been a long long long while since I saw anyone combed their hair. I remember spending a long time in front of the mirror - just like her - combing my hair. But that was many many years ago.

When she was done, I asked for her name. It was a mouthful. She had to spell it a couple of times - it was a tricky name.

"Aishah *jarak* Firiyyal. Tapi panggil saya Sara je. Nama adik saya Muammar Muhammad. Dia pelat sikit. Panggil dia Mai je." She seemed nice kid. Polite. She then went to the kitchen to have her breakfast.

She was having a conversation with my mum and I heard the word "kucing" which means cat in Malay.

"Pakcik tu takut dengan kucing," my mum told her and pointed at me.

"Siapa?" She asked as she stretched her head out. I looked at her. She saw me and giggled. My mum shouldn't have told her I was afraid of cats.

"There're cats?" I wondered as I looked around the house. I couldn't see or hear any so I resumed watching tv.

Later, I heard the kids playing in the other room so I went over to join them. To my surprise, each were holding a cat.

For some reason (that I think I can explain), I didnt panic. I sat down on the sofa in front of two kids who knew I was afraid of cats. Muammar looked at me and smiled. Oh no... He walked towards me and wanted to place the cat on my lap. I smiled and gave him the "dont u dare... pleeease I beg you" look. I was too late. He placed it just beside beside my lap.

For some reason (that I think I can explain), I didn't move away. I was comforted knowing that Sara was sitting beside me, a white little cat in her arms. There was something in her eyes and smile that made my fear go away.

"Kucing yang ini baik. Tapi dia suka cekau. Yang ni pulak suka gigit." She said and giggled through her teeth.

For the first time ever, I ran my fingers through the cat's fur. "He (it looks like a male cat) definitely needs to use Dove Hair Conditioner." I said to myself. I never thought I'll see this day coming.

The kids left for their Grandma's. I wished they hadn't left so soon. It's only been a couple of hours. I waved goodbye as they left.

I'm glad I've finally learnt what it means by seizing opportunities as they come. I've made full use of the time I had with them to get to know them, and for them to get to know me. I rediscovered my loving and caring side. Ive gotten rid of my fear of cats. And for a brief moment, I was sweetly distracted - the eyes, the specs, the smile, the hair, the cat.

It was only later that I found out that the boy has difficulty speaking. If I'm not mistaken, they have brought him to see a speech therapist. I hope they grow up to be as lovely as they are now. I've only seen them for a couple of hours. I wonder if they'll remember me the next time I see them.

To the kids, if one day you decide to google up your name curious to know if any guy or girl is secretly blogging about you, please do leave me a comment. I'm the not-so-old-pakcik who used to be afraid of cats, but not anymore after seeing how brave and lovely you guys were.

Hidden Ability

I was never a good soccer player. Never played Frisbee nor have I ever touched a floorball stick.

Hence I'm surprised to hear people telling me I played really well today, and the game before - one even remarked that had he known that I do not stay in any of the halls, he would have asked me to join his hall team. Looking back, the past 2 games I played for my faculty were the finest two games of soccer Ive ever played. I was winning aerial challenges, making key through passes, crucial sliding tackles and I even had a one on one situation with the keeper during this morning's game. It missed by inches!! I was taking hits in places a guy never wish to be hit but it was worth it, I think. We lost a game but won the next. We qualified for the quarter finals.

My first brush with Ultimate frisbee began during a picnic. Someone brought a disc. It flew to me. I caught it. I threw it back and it flew pretty smoothly. And when it came back to me, I cheekily tried to do a flick and it flew pretty smoothly too. Friends began asking me for advice and suddenly I'm a pro (almost there though. Haha!).

I decided to up my game by signing up for my faculty's Frisbee team. After intensive analysis of tutorial vids and full games on Youtube, I walked onto the field that afternoon hoping to put to practice whatever I've seen. Only 6 other people came - no substitutes. Everyone never played a proper game before. I somehow became the one that pointed out common mistakes in throwing and catching. We discussed whatever tactics that made sense. Spirits were high. Magic happened. We lost a game but won the next. We qualified for the quarters.

Floorball's a little trickier. It's a highly skilled sport. I didnt manage to watch the whole series of training videos on youtube. So I walked into the hall today, having watched up to vid 2.4 out of 4.5. We managed to hold our opposition to a nil-nil draw at half time. Spirits were high. But we lost focus/lacked experience/didnt know what needs to be changed in the second half - scored 1, conceded 4. Against a team of floorball and hockey players, we definitely did awesome coz we had none! For someone who never touched a floorball stick before (and fyi, the handle grip smells!!), I was guilty of dribbling too much - it feels sooo good to dribble. We lost a game.... but IF the pattern repeats, we'll win tomorrow. (:


The point of this piece isn't about my natural sporting talents. It's about how it's possible to do reasonably well in something totally new. One simply needs to put in the effort - Youtube vids, frisbee throwing sessions - and remind one's self that a part of him believes he can do real well and WANTS to do real well. With soccer though, it's about not wanting to disappoint teammates whom he's never met before prior to the games. It's also about not wanting to make a fool of himself by shying from aerial challenges and tackles. I feel that if one really wants to succeed, one day one will.

It worked with my Magical Realism elective. Now if only I can somehow translate this desire to succeed to my core modules! Fyi, results will be out in a couple of days! Here's hoping I won't be writing a bunch of entries to psychologically tell myself to stay optimistic.

The Day

A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars,

or do we gaze at them because we are human?"

Pointless, really...

"Do the stars gaze back?" Now, that's a question.

Today's the day when I destroy the boundary between the real world and the unreal. I've always wanted to destroy this wall ever since I wrote Unreal Realism (27 Oct 09).

Could thoughts and stories come true in reality? Do wonderful stuffs only belong in books and films? Do opposites really attract? These are questions a thinker thinks about but never will he find the answers unless he embarks on a personal quest to find the answers - himself. The eventual answers may not be what he had hoped for them to be but at least now, he has answers instead of questions.... Answers that will come in useful in later parts of one's journey in life.

Today's the day when words translate into actions. It ain't going to be easy but he has gotta start from somewhere, right?

The Fight

"Has there not been over man a period of time when he was nothing to be mentioned?"

A quick flip of the Quran after the end of my Soil Mechanics paper brought me to Surah Al-Insan(Man) or Ad-Dahr(Time). I wasn't feeling too good after being slaughtered by the muddy monster. And the first verse caught my eye. I knew there were definitely several period of time in my life when I was feeling worthless - reduced to nothingness. I knew lousy papers werent exactly good reasons to feel worthless about but sometimes, just sometimes, I can't help but think that I'll never be able to master my school work no matter how hard I try.

"And they give food, inspite of their love for it to the Miskin(poor), the orphan, and the captive. Saying: "We feed you seeking Allah's Countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you. Verily, We fear from our Lord a Day, hard and distressful, that will make the faces look horrible (from extreme dislike to it). So Allah saved them from the evil of that Day, and gave them Nadrah (a light of beauty) and joy. And their recompense shall be Paradise, and silken garments, because they were patient."

Why do I not fear a Day that will be hard and distressful? I know that being slaughtered by Soil Mechanics, Physics 1 and Mechanics of Materials can hardly be called hard and distressful. During the few hours when I'd allowed myself to entertain silly thoughts about giving up, I asked myself why I am not patient. I asked myself why friends of mine can work so hard and get the results, but I cant. Sometimes, I felt as though the time and hard work I put into something goes to waste.

"It is We who created them (disbelievers), and We have made them of strong built. And when We will, We can replace them with others like them with a complete replacement."

Perhaps they were made of strong built. That might explain why they're up there while Im still stuck down below. However, it doesn't mean that we're not made of strong built. Perhaps its a test of how much we want to achieve and how far we're willing to go to get what we want in this life. I asked myself why, despite the time and effort, I still can't do it. Should I keep fighting?

"Verily! This (verses of the Quran) is an admonition, so whoever wills, let him take a Path to Allah. But you cannot will, unless Allah wills. Verily, Allah is Ever All-Knowing, All-Wise."

We should never stop fighting the fight - even though we know we're losing.

Numb3rs

If only I could somehow love numbers more than words ....

Seeing my mother asking me twice if I wanted anything to drink while I revise my work and seeing my younger brother coming back from his first day of job assessment and complaining how much he hates having to stand for 8 hours doing something boring, I realize that I can find reasons to keep on going.

It was funny though how he expressed his hatred for work and how he doesnt feel like working anymore. At least now he knows the true value of money.

The Sense of Purpose

I read and hear of people around me complaining about school - to the point of giving up. Whenever I hear such stories, I pray to Him that I, as well as my siblings, will never think of giving up at any point in our lives. I pray that we'll be as strong, if not stronger, every time we meet an obstacle. And I shall not let anything stop me from believing in myself - even when my results say otherwise or even as I'm not doing as well as the rest around me.

I believe the key to my optimism is faith. Having faith that insyaallah, things will turn out fine as long as I keep on trying and doing my bestest. Besides faith, I believe that having a motivation or two and a sense of purpose have helped me stay on the right mental track.

This semester, my motivation has primarily been someone who do not know of my existence. While walking to class this afternoon, I questioned my purpose of being in school. I asked myself what REALLY keeps me going - whether it's her, or is it something bigger. And I realized that my sole purpose is to be able to graduate, find a good job and to support my family. And only after I successfully achieve this mission of mine will I make known of my existence to her.

Would that be too late? Am I being foolish? Should I make myself known now?

Haha ... And rhetorical questions such as these never fail to keep me going day after day after day.

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." ~ Carlos Castaneda

When the going gets tough....

For some reason, despite my attempts to be positive and composed, I wrote on my Facebook wall that school suddenly feels like one big sick impossible game - and I'm hoping this feeling is temporal.

Tonight, I see my younger brothers decide what to wear for their job interview tomorrow despite their exams in the coming week. I see my sister buy me a fan to replace the noisy dying one in my room without me asking her for it. Tonight, I realize that we're all growing up and supporting one another in our own little ways. One of the things that Dad said before his leaving was how he knew we'd make our mother happy. I guess he knew before we even knew - and we're doing our best to prove him right, insyaallah.

Things like these, knowing that Mama will always be behind us as well as the little sweet distraction at the back of my mind are enough to make me want to continue playing the one big sick impossible game called school.

“O Allah, I hope for Your mercy, so give me not over to my self even for as little as a wink of an eye, and set right all my affairs, there is no god but You.”

Source: Abu Daw’ud

“O Allah, I seek refuge in Thee from incapacity, from sloth, from cowardice, from miserliness, decrepitude and from torment of the grave. O Allah, grant to my soul the sense of righteousness and purify it, for Thou art the Best Purifier thereof. Thou art the Protecting friend thereof, and Guardian thereof. O Allah, I seek refuge in Thee from the knowledge which does not benefit, from the heart that does not entertain the fear (of Allah), from the soul that does not feel contented and the supplication that is not responded.”

Source: Sahih Muslim, hadith 1260

Pages of thoughts

I attended MENDAKI Club's Inaugural Collegiate Symposium 2009 - and i was impressed how they managed to bring tertiary students together in the spirit of learning from the sharing of experiences and perspectives by professionals in various fields.

Interesting questions, thoughts and views were scribbled by the pages in my little red book. Some of which, if not all, will be posted up as entries in time to come. I guess having heard the word "prioritize" one too many times, I shall put on hold penning pages of thoughts down for now...

....Of school, success, Malay, mentality, community, dreams, opportunities, motivation and other stories - including my inability to strike a conversation with the opposite gender.

I can't get in

Near Olite, in Spain, there is a ruined castle. I decide to visit the place and as I am standing there before it, a man at the door says:

‘You can’t come in.’

My intuition tells me that he is saying this for the pure pleasure of saying ‘No’. I explain that I’ve come a long way, I try offering him a tip, I try being nice, I point out that this is, after all, a ruined castle…suddenly, going into that castle has become very important to me.

‘You can’t come in,’ the man says again.

There is only one alternative: to carry on and see if he will physically prevent me from going in. I walk towards the door. He looks at me, but does nothing.

As I am leaving, two other tourists arrive and they too walk in. The old man does not try to stop them. I feel as if, thanks to my resistance, the old man has decided to stop inventing ridiculous rules. Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand and whose significance we will never discover.

By Paulo Coelho

"Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand, and whose significance we will never discover."

Putting things into personal contact, I feel like a seven year old dreading his first day of school - this despite going thru 15 first day of school. Each time a new school year begins, all i see is 13 weeks of school followed by the first exams. A month's break is then followed by another 13 weeks of school and thereafter, a three months break. And following that, the next new academic year begins.

Is this the part where perseverance and determination comes in? The part of the marathon where the legs begin to retire and a strong mind steps in and tells you to soldier on? It definitely seems like it.

A quick update on Facebook attracted a "Let's do this together." While it's somewhere in me to see the significance of education, and despite the fact that i acknowledge I'm 3 years away from graduation, insyaallah, a simple "Let's do this together" was a gentle reminder that I'm not alone.

In other words, one should fight till the very end and do his or her best to secure good grades in school even though its true significance is still somewhere in the distant horizon. Hope i'll keep this in mind whenever i lose sight of my objective.

May the coming academic year be filled with pleasant memories, wonderful experiences, a little bit of everything challenging and perhaps a brush with the present sweet impression, if not, the next.