Friday, already

Time flies. Whatever happened to the dreamy thinker who used to pen every other thoughts down almost every other day.

Final year project has been very interesting and fun. And the best part about it is my partner is the guy whom I first made friends with when I was in my first year of university.

I remember sitting in Effective Communications class - the first tutorial I had. I didnt know anyone in class. And then a couple of minutes after class started, a guy came in and sat next to me. We talked. Who knew 4 years on, we'll be doing our final project together.

Fate. All it takes is the right person, at the right place. A smile and a "Hi, what's your name? I'm Ali. I don't know anyone here. Nice to meet you."

Anyways, my point is... it's Friday, already. Like how it's my final year, finally. Like how I'm turning 24 in a couple of days time, really.

Time flies. So tell me, where do you see yourself in four years time?

Facades

I left a family gathering early. "Meeting some friends," said I. "You've got friends? I've always thought it's just you and your books."

In their eyes, I'm an anti-social mugger. In my friends' eyes, I'm the guy who's able to lead someone to the doorstep of heaven. And that I'd make a strict father. And that teaching might be a challenge given my gentle nature. And that I'm sarcastic and rude. And that I'm a good brother. And that I'm not an understanding person.

Some have told me I'm very focus and task oriented. Others said I'm too rigid and serious and should learn to relax. My sister said once that I'm not independent. I replied, I'm very very independent. Some have said that I'm a fussy eater. Others have said I'm just being selective. And there's the occasional "weird + loner" reference.

I'm too extroverted. I'm also too introverted. I talk alot. I talk too litte. Why so serious, they ask. I'm charming. Also an idiot.

And then I look at myself in the figurative mirror and wonder if someone can see through all my facades and tell me who I am. I think I need a shrink.

Haters gonna hate

I hate it when mama compares me with someone smarter than me. But it's okay when that someone(or someones) are my younger brothers. Pfft, back when we were younger, I used to be their benchmark.

I hate it when mama washes my bantal busuk. I get angry. But then she makes me a cup of hot milo. Mothers have their way of doing things. She could wash my pillow a thousand times over and I wouldn't get angry... until she decides to pick on me and my pillow again.

I hate it when I sit on the train and the guy next to me wreaks of alcohol. I get angry and irritated. I'll get up and walk away. It puzzles me why rage consumes me whenever it happens. Yes, rage. Try me.

I hate it when I order Double Cheeseburger without cheese and the burger comes to me WITH cheese EVEN THOUGH they stuck the "Special Order" sticker on the wrapping. But it's okay coz the cashier recognizes me now and knows what I want.

I hate it when people fill up their fries bag with those Cheese shaker powder thingy right in front of my face KNOWING that I so do not luurrve the smell of it. But it's okay, they're just testing my patience.

Relationships

This week is about relationships. Relationships between:

1. The cab driver and his passengers
2. The cab driver and his wife
3. The husband and the wife
4. The husband and the wife's family
5. The wife and the husband's family
6. The wife and the mother in-law
7. The wife and the cousins
8. The husband and the wife's cousins
9. The cousins and the aunt
10. Me and my lovely not-so-little-anymore brothers
11. The friend and her boyfriends
12. The friends and their girlfriends

When one gets married, one marries the entire family. So many hearts one have to take care of. Adopt the self before others attitude and marriage will be tough.

The cab driver shared with me what he shared with his daughter.He said old habits die hard. He said to look for someone without bad habits. He said not to waste time with someone who promises to kick out those bad habits. He said to give someone without bad habits a chance.

Self before others. Others before self.

Floorball. Hari Raya Event.

He wants to be at both. He is committed to both. He is part of 2 great families and he wants to disappoint neither. But can only choose one. This feeling sucks. I am so fickle and indecisive when it comes to anything that's related to social stuffs. I'm not designed to be part of more than 1 family. I'm not designed to be part of more than one circle of friends. My comfort zone has been breached.

This is a new phenomena. I'm no longer living in my comfortable little blue room. Like it or not, I'm starting to be part of a slightly bigger world (yes, finally, at 23+ years of age). Comfort zones will have to be redefined. Others before self, as far as possible. Else, self before others. gah!

Times like this I feel like the most selfish guy on Earth.

Update @1229am:

There is a place where I had to be at on every Saturday morning. I've committed my time there and there's no way I'm missing it. I just received an email saying that this week's session has been cancelled as the kids will be having their mock exams.

What this means is that I'm now able to be there for both events. Alhamdulillah!

Times like this I feel so, thankful. :D

In a constant state of evaluation

"Working under pressure is frustrating.

Group work is fun when members are cooperative, understanding and helpful. But when members take the easy way out by not being constructive and letting you solve the group's problem, it's infuriating. I then console myself by thinking: In the working world, you will never end up in your dream team. So deal with it.

11pm and I was still in school. Wrapped up the last discussion of the day, emailed our FYP Project Plan to the prof, and rushed back home. Last train was at 11.37pm from Pioneer to Jurong East MRT. Time I reached Pioneer MRT was 1130pm.

12 midnight. Sat opposite two guys. In baju kurung. Sighs, if only.

1230am. Mama managed to pull out a plate of rice, lauk lemak, sambal udang, plain naan and garlic naan from her magic hat. She and the brothers joined me for dinner. United versus Juventus was on TV.

Pressure. It dissipates. So don't allow yourself to be bothered by pressure. Deal with it and push on. I felt like cursing anyone who wasn't being helpful. I felt like crying. I felt like walking away and go on a holiday to some pulau. And then I'm reminded of the engineer at work who could juggle meetings, site inspections and personal admin matters with ease. I consoled myself, again: This is in preparation for the working world. If you don't have the grades, you gotta be hardworking.

140am. Time. 12 hours was spent in school doing school related stuffs. This made me ask myself if Im setting aside enough time for Him aside from the usual obligations. Having spent so much time just on school, the least I could do is to perform the sunnah prayers before/after every obligatory prayers. And to memorize a surah. Perhaps, fast for six days. And revise whatever's that been taught on Saturday's Quranic Arabic class. Yet none of these amount to the 12 hours spent in school or school's stuffs."

I was in the midst of writing the above 5 days ago when I fell asleep. I woke up, alive and ready for a new day, and saw the above unpublished entry. The title I had given it was "Pressure". I looked at the "Publish Post" button. And clicked the X button on the top right cornet of my Chrome window. I went to school. To say nothing is a flower, according to a Jap proverb, and a flower I shall try be.

Tonight, I realised I've not written for quite some time simply because days ended crazily late and I was just too tired. And tonight, looking back at what was written 5 days ago, I shake my head and smile for having written so much just because I was under pressure from school work. I could say that I'm blissfully trapped in a constant state of evaluation.

Looking back. Looking forward. Reintrospection: Thoughts and Reflections.

The Pursuit of Happyness

No man's an island. Even the strongest of person need a shoulder to lean on once in a while.

The Prophet had circles of friends. There's a small inner circle and a larger circle around this inner circle. His character, his influence, his conduct, his stories and my lack of knowledge. It's about time I read about his story and start emulating his traits one by one. Life's too short and I shouldn't allow the mind to be occupied by too much worldly stuffs. Still in pursuit of that elusive balance. I want to die in the midst of preparing for death.