2013. 2014

Thoughts not written will fade. And there's been many thoughts that I wanted to write but I simply let them go. But here's something that I had wanted to write some days back but didn't:

I had just finished my prayers and memory came into my mind. We used to sleep under the same blanket. Some nights when the air con temperature was low, I would give up part of the blanket just so that you could sleep comfortably. But that was many years ago. Now they're both grown up and I could only steal moments to be close to them only when they're asleep. Boys will be boys. If I had an elder brother, I too wouldnt want to be treated like I'm still six!

*****************************************************************************

2013 has been the year where I tried to establish myself in my career. There were ups and downs. The showflats. The piling. The excavation. The bosses. The senior. The learning. 6 days a week has made work occupy a significant portion of my 2013 - something which I kinda dislike very much. It dilutes pretty much every other more important things.

May 2014 be a year where I make work my number 2 priority in life.

Life: Fast Forward

While testing out a Project Management app on my sister's Note 10.1, I slowly found myself sketching life till I turn 50 (the app doesn't allow me to go beyond 2038). I briefly planned, but He decides what's best for me.

And then I realized that actually, every little things that I'm doing/not doing right now are steps towards those dreams. A day that passes by without doing those things I felt that I ought to be doing are days gone to waste. Demi masa, sesungguhnya manusia dalam kerugian. Following a schedule/plan requires discipline - something I'm so lacking of. It's been at least 2 years and I can't even commit myself to memorizing Surah Yasin. And over the same time period, Surah Ar Rahman and Mulk erased themselves from memory. 

Gotta find the missing D before 2018. Without discipline, I shudder at the thought of the M word. But some would argue that the missing D that I'm looking for comes together with M ie. Having committed myself to spending the rest of my life with someone else will naturally make me someone more disciplined. 

I then quietly said to myself, "What if Discipline doesn't come with M? What then?" 

May Allah guide me through my journey in this temporary world.

PE: Project Engineer

O Allah!! Behold I ask You the good through Your Knowledge, and ability
through Your Power, and beg (Your favour) out of Your infinite Bounty. For
surely You have Power; I have none. You know all; I know not. You are the
Great Knower of all things. O Allah! If in Your Knowledge this matter be
good for my faith (Deen), for my livelihood, and for the consequences of
my affairs, then ordain it for me, and make it easy for me, and bless me
therein. But if in Your Knowledge, this matter be bad for my faith (Deen)
for my livelihood, and for the consequences of my affairs, then turn it
away from me, and turn me away therefrom, and ordain for me the good
wherever it be, and cause me to be pleased therewith.

The Heart

“Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau jadikan hati kami condong kepada kesesatan sesudah Engkau beri petunjuk kepada kami, dan karuniakanlah kepada kami rahmat dari sisi Engkau; karena sesungguhnya Engkau-lah Maha Pemberi (kurnia).”
(QS. Ali Imran: 8)

Ya Allah yang membolak-balikan hati, teguhkanlah hatiku diatas ketaatan kepadamu.

2 interviews later ...

... and little talks with some friends have left me thinking about life in just a couple months time. The mind's a tangled mess but right now, more pressing issues include draft FYP report, mid terms, catching up on lectures and tutorials and ... yeah that's probably it. (:

As I select "future" as one of the labels of this post, I realized one thing. The future I've been writing about in past is coming.

The Interview

Had my first ever job interview over and done with a couple of days back. They asked about the activities I'm involved in outside of school hours, my interest, my career aspiration, the subjects that I like in school and my opinions on issues like "Do you feel that the customer is always right?". The more I talked and the more I hear them explain about the job scope, I felt that the job was right for me. 5 days week. Close to office hours. A decent salary. And I'm hoping they call me for a second interview.

But since the interview, many thoughts crossed my mind. I asked myself at this relatively young age the factors I should consider when choosing the first job.

Should I be aiming for a 6 days week job that is related to my course, pays more, with better career progression? Should I be aiming for a job that pays $500 more than the decent salary and strive through a cycle of morning shift, night shift and two off days?

I know someday (within the next five years in the near future) I want to get married and start a family. I know that I do not want to work long hours 6 days a week coz my partner/wife would not appreciate it, and I wouldnt like it either, but I would if it means more income to provide for my family. Also, I want to have time to attend talks, classes, family gatherings, visit the parents and stuffs like that on weeknights and weekends. There's just so many things to consider!

I know that this journey I'm embarking on upon graduation is one that has got to bring me close to Allah above all other things. Life's all about what-ifs and I hope that things will be clearer upon Istikharah and whatever decisions made will be decisions that I will not regret.

Things, always happen for a reason. Allah is the best of planners.

Thoughts

Sometimes,
little events,
little little things that people say,
jokingly or not,
mostly jokingly,
but you know I feel about jokingly,
that it often always mean seriously subconsciously,
blurted out unknowingly,
but obviously,
to me.

Most time,
I'm wrong. But who cares?
No one does, coz if they do,
wouldn't they have watched what they say,
or do?

Yeah,
these little things,
make me retreat into my dark little cave and hide for days, weeks;
Sighs,
7 days of not writing usually means,
no thoughts, lots of thoughts,
kept all to myself.

Things are all fine,
and happy,
and dandy,
but for how long,
can one hide behind a facade,
behind one mask,
after another mask,
after another mask,
you get the idea.

Be calm,
prayers,
give good advice,
a pure mind,
a pure heart,
but then we fall,
and hide in our caves,
ashamed,
because we find it so hard to be good,
because we question ourselves,
by asking questions like why try so hard to avoid music,
when many others are not,
coz afterall, there's nothing wrong,
right?

Frankly,
I don't know,
for music, I,
just hate it when it gets stuck in the head,
hate how it distracts me,
how not listening to music for a fair while suddenly,
made me click on one link after another,
and another,
like as though,
I'm in total control,
I'm free,
to do as I please,
but really I'm not,
coz I consistently think about the can, cannot, better not to,
and so on.

And how I miss conversations,
and talking,
and how I fear talking,
all because of the little things,
the little little things that people always say,
or do,
without,
thinking about how,
the other person might feel,
or do,
as a result of what they say,
or do.

I really do.

Thoughts,
they get pretty circular sometimes,
most times in fact,
and when they do,
that's when I know,
I'm ending.

The Call

Today's the day when my sister called and told dear Mother she's secured a full time job! Finally, someone in the family's bringing back home real money. The brothers will be starting their polytechnic education real soon so the timing couldn't have been better. Alhamdulillah.

2 years. 2 years to financial stability, insyaallah.

Dear Diary,

I realized today that Sociology's my cup of tea. Some Lit too. Not History. Sociology of work seems awfully interesting and I love the sociological approach to things in general. So now I'm hoping someone drops HS815: Why We Work - How Work Shapes Our Lives.

On a totally separate note, my brothers have done ok for their O-Levels and are currently at the point where they have to decide which path they should take - the polytechnic route or the junior college route. One moment they're dead certain on going to poly and in another instance, they're thinking that perhaps the junior college route might be an option too. I tried my best not to influence them in any way into thinking that one route is better than the other. My sister, who took the poly route, balanced things out a little by giving her two cents worth. And somehow, I get the feeling that everything's been laid out pretty nicely on the table and the onus now is on my brothers to decide their own future.

One thing I learnt about my brothers is that they are as optimistic as I am. When I told them that only the top 5% of poly students go on to the University, they replied that it's ok. They'll beat the odds. (I don't remember being much of an optimist at their age) I also learnt that they are also looking ahead and thinking about going to the University too. It struck me too that one was considering taking Civil Engineering at the polytechnic and then perhaps end up to where I am now. I guess without me realizing, I have become some what of a role model that my brothers look up to. Despite my complains about them growing up too soon and all, I'm starting to realize that they're growing up to be just like ... me!

I've never pushed them hard to study for their O-Levels yet they manage to get pretty decent scores. One even ended up forth in the entire cohort! And to hear them say "If only I had scored a grade better for this and that" - priceless. Now i pray and hope that they'll come to a decision based on what they feel is best for them.

[This entry sounds more like what someone would write in a diary than on a blog but I don't care. Just this one time, I promise.]

Conversations

I was flipping through one the many brochures sent to our home by the various polytechnics. My brothers are currently at one of the many crossroads in life. I was at that crossroad years ago and had chosen the junior college route. My brothers on the other hand however, have ruled out the route I took - having seen me gone through the things I did. As I flipped through the brochure, I wondered how things could be like had I chosen a different path.

"Have you thought about Law and Management offered at Temasek Polytechnic?" I asked my brother.

"Not interested," he replied.

"In that case, you could consider Psychology. Stuffs you see on The Mentalist and Criminal Minds."

"Do you know what's the cut off point for Psychology?"

"8 points," I replied with no hesitation. And I also told him I do believe he's capable of achieving 8 points. He smiled a smile of uncertainty - unsure of what he is capable of achieving in life. I remembered myself being unsure of what I'm capable of back in those days. I was unsure of where to go and the paths I could take. But unlike my brothers, I was alone. I wished I had someone to show me the way - someone like me.

"Are you thinking about studying Engineering? Coz if you do, you might want to think twice. I'm in Engineering but I wish I was somewhere else instead. I just want you to do something that you will enjoy doing. It has to be what you want; Not what I want, not what mama wants and definitely not what your friends want. It has to be your decision. One that you know you won't regret."

But deep down, I know that at their age, one usually doesn't know what one truly wants. Dreams change. And sometimes, they don't even exist.

"I'm not interested in school," he replied half-jokingly. "Can I just make do with an O-level cert?"

How I wish it was possible. Many of my friends had the same thought as my brother. What is the point of going to school? To university? I've seen friends go through depression to the point of quitting - and never wanting to come back to school. I've also seen friends who never completed compulsory education yet they are having the time of their life. If there's anything I could learn, it'll be that there's no fixed way for one in pursuit of happiness.

"You really should consider courses like Law or Psychology. You could be a lawyer or a psychologist. They sound like awesome jobs." I told him as I walked towards my room.

I was just about to sit at my desk thinking about of the story I'm planning to write, I hear my sister asking me, "What about you? What are you going to be when you graduate from University?"

I smiled a smile of uncertainty - just like my brother did - unsure of what I'm capable of achieving. I gave the question some thought.

I don't know, whispered a voice from within the innermost confines of my soul.

I don't know.

Birthdays

I couldnt let this day go by without writing something about it coz I want to be able to look back to this day and read something about my brothers' birthdays - as i see it at this moment.

It was a quiet day. No cakes, no presents. Just tv and computer and tv. It kinda reminds me of someone else's birthday that comprises of simple wishes from whoever's at home and of late, scribbles on my Facebook wall. I guess birthdays will never be our forte.

My brothers, they're all grown up. No longer the little boys whom I could hug and kiss as I please. As much as I hate to let them go, I believe I had done just that quite some time back. It's sad but I guess that's just life. People grow up. Sometimes, i fail to realize that i too am growing up - too fast for my own good. But that's life.

It's nice to see them become smart individuals despite no one having imposed anything on them. They remind myself of myself when i was their age. However, being the eldest, I was pretty much on my own. My brothers, however, had me. I remember telling them how i'll teach them personally should they come back with an average result for their tests. And I also remember them coming back doing pretty well. I told myself that they're smart and capable of succeeding without much push. They have each other. All I had to do was to remind them that Im here whenever they needed me. I would do little things like ruffling their hair - despite them hating it - just to tell them I'm still around.

This decision of mine to let them develop on their own might come back to haunt me. Or maybe it won't. I guess in life, we can only plan so much and that at the end of the day, we wun really know the outcome of our actions until the day comes.

All i can do is pray that my little brothers grow up and be big guys who will never look back in regret. Happy birthdays.

The Sense of Purpose

I read and hear of people around me complaining about school - to the point of giving up. Whenever I hear such stories, I pray to Him that I, as well as my siblings, will never think of giving up at any point in our lives. I pray that we'll be as strong, if not stronger, every time we meet an obstacle. And I shall not let anything stop me from believing in myself - even when my results say otherwise or even as I'm not doing as well as the rest around me.

I believe the key to my optimism is faith. Having faith that insyaallah, things will turn out fine as long as I keep on trying and doing my bestest. Besides faith, I believe that having a motivation or two and a sense of purpose have helped me stay on the right mental track.

This semester, my motivation has primarily been someone who do not know of my existence. While walking to class this afternoon, I questioned my purpose of being in school. I asked myself what REALLY keeps me going - whether it's her, or is it something bigger. And I realized that my sole purpose is to be able to graduate, find a good job and to support my family. And only after I successfully achieve this mission of mine will I make known of my existence to her.

Would that be too late? Am I being foolish? Should I make myself known now?

Haha ... And rhetorical questions such as these never fail to keep me going day after day after day.

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." ~ Carlos Castaneda

Happy thoughts

Tonight's one of those nights where I let my mind run free and think about things.

How I wish I.....

Thinking about things that make me wonder what the future holds for me.....

Wondering what it feels like to.....

Seeing all the smiles, I just can't help but smile and wonder.

It's been a while since I wrote about family and dreams and stuffs that are serious and boring. Perhaps it's the sweet distractions. Perhaps I'm becoming less serious and boring. I think its her. I think Ive found myself a distraction that shall be my motivation.

Tonight, I really can't help but smile and wonder.(:

The future....

"The future belongs to people who believe in the beauty of their dream."

.........Eleanor Roosevelt

Soccer and movie

First 90 mins of soccer in like a long long long while. And now my body's aching, right calf and my left inner thigh experiencing a fairly decent amount of strain.

Had a couple of decent chances. When i should dribble forward, i decided to try a Rooney and shoot the ball from a distance. When i should shoot, i chose to dribble. And when i should dribble, I dribble and lost possession. Perhaps the grass was too long and the ground was too wet which made the ball too slippery. Perhaps i need a couple more games to gain more experience so that i could make better decisions on the ball.

It's nice to get together on weekends and just play. It certainly takes mind of work.






A friend of mine told me to read Kite Runner. Saw this book quite a while back during the days i like to read. And having read some blogs talking abt this book and some others, perhaps i should make a trip down to the library and read the first few pages. I always feel that a good book would be one that will make me want to keep on reading after the first few pages. Da Vinci code and Digital Fortress by Dan Brown are the first two and only books that took reading to a whole new level -- if i could lie down and read the whole day, i would.


A mother should never push a kid too much. Otherwise, the kid would write "I don't like my mother!!!!!!!!!!" when u ask her to write the answer to 213-53. Should u have kids one day, and should they be very bright at sucha young age, be thankful to God that uve been blessed with a brilliant child. Dun be too occupied into making her even brighter that all u know is scold when she doesnt get full marks. That u forget that she is just 7.

Touching on my future and university, the question begs to be answered: Does my future lies in civil engineering?

Ive yet to find the answer.