Week 2: A New Beginning

The end of a story usually marks the beginning of another.

However, it's one that I'll keep to myself. Sweet distractions, no more.

When you wait for eventually...

"Why wait for eventually? If you have something to say, you should say it right now."

Dear Alexa,

Sometimes certain people wait for eventually to see if she's really really really "The One". Because it's always best to say something only when you're truly truly truly ready and that's eventually. And when eventually comes and she isn't with anyone, she's gonna be the one. But if she is, then she isn't. Complex? Well that's what certain complex people believe in.

And when it turns out she's with someone, they'll feel a little bit sucky at first coz it'll mark the end of a story. But they'll be all fine and cheery coz it only means that a new story awaits.

Such certain people also try their best not to think about the "what-might-have-been"s if they had stumbled upon your video a year earlier... and said something then rather than eventually. Dwelling on the past isn't what we do. We quickly learn and move on. But, you're too young to understand. One day you will.

Be a good girl. I can tell that your dad loves you. Love him too.

From your #1 fan,
M

I'm Judgmental. Don't judge me.

4 school days have passed and I feel like a student on exchange. Most friends are having their industrial attachment so I'm pretty much on my own most of the time. Their absence however has led to an increase in communication with people whom I don't usually talk to. So perhaps, subconsciously, I'm looking for other avenues of communication. Writing's fun only when done in moderation.

I've been writing a mouthful of late coz being alone forces me into conversations with myself about things in random and we begin to deconstruct whatever or whoever that comes to mind.

Today, after one of such deconstructions, I realize how bothered I can get when people judge my sincerity - especially when I'm actually very very sincere about helping.

The Bully and the Bullied

The other aspect of theory of mind is empathizing. This also involves representing the mental state of others, but in the particular case where that mental state is an emotion. By empathizing with another's emotion, we are potentially affected by it too. Empathizing is what we do when we say, "I can imagine how awful that felt".

......"Personality: What makes you the way you are" by Daniel Nettle

The bully will always remain a bully.

The bullied will always remain the bullied - if that makes the bully happy. The bullied is an empathizer. He feels for the bully.

For the first time, I believe I can pin point a significant event from my past that might have unlocked this personality of mine. I remember walking back home from school when I was probably eight - alone. I felt a push from the back. I fell. Several kicks later, he ran away.

I didn't feel much pain coz he probably kicked my bag. Or perhaps, the fetal position I was in absorbed the impact somewhat.

I remember picking myself up. I straightened my uniform and made my way back home. I don't remember feeling much of a shock. I definitely wasn't going to tell my mum. I never told anyone. I saw him around in school but never confronted him for it. Afterall, he was tall for an eight year old.

The mind must've woken up that day. I wondered what wrong I did to deserve the push and the kicks. I was eight for goodness sake - probably the nicest kid around. I wondered why he did what he did. Because I could come up with no reason for his actions, I pitied him. I forgave him. I pretended it never happened.

I feel good when others feel good. But I guess, sadly, for some, they feel good when others do not. It sucks but that's nature.

Out of Words. Me, really?

The more I talk to people, the less I talk to myself, the less I write.

But the more I talk to people, the more I feel as though I'm part of a larger society. Many someones out there know a tiny part of my story. Slowly, if this continues, I forsee that I might stop writing altogether.

Hmmm...

Okay. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just too excited about spending the last hours of the holidays thinking about the things I wanna do that I do not have much time left to drown in my thoughts and write. (Yeah, mainly I just think about what to do and the day's more or less over. I exaggerate.)

More to come when school starts. When I start seeing people and feeling new feelings. Old feelings. Who knows....

Out of Words

The more I talk to people, the less I talk to myself, the less I write.

The Time Traveller

Results are out and it disturbs me that top students are crying over their grades and I.... I'm just thankful I came out of it alive.

Perhaps I'm one of those guys who have small dreams. One who just wanna be in this world as though he's a traveller. Afterall, we're not gonna be in this world for long. I think about the past, wonder about the future and everything else in between and I ask myself, what's my purpose in life.

Watching The Time Traveller's Wife made life seem short. One moment ure in 1995 and the next moment, u find yourself lying on the floor with a bullet in your stomach breathing your last few breaths. So am I living life as it should be lived?

I don't know. I don't even know if I think about the right things! I wonder if people my age ask themselves the same questions that I do.

And Happy Birthday Adik. Your sacrifices will never go unnoticed. You gotta wait a little longer for that Coach or LV bag that you wanted. And in time, it's your turn to relax and my turn to support. In a year's time, insyaallah.

The Wandering Mind

The mind has been so all over the place this week that it's hard to string thoughts into words. Things feel messed up and I don't even know what or why.

Perhaps, it's coz school will resume in 7 days time. Or that results will be released tomorrow. Or the worry that I might not graduate next year. I just feel so tangled up inside.

Of like natured individuals

It is said in the Quran:

It is He Who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature in order that he might dwell with her in love...(7:189)

I stumbled upon the abovesaid quote as I was researching (read: punching keywords on Google) for materials for my article. I'm in the midst of writing an article for the school magazine on Rights of a Husband and a Wife. Since I'm a guy, I've been informed to write only on the wife's right. I've found materials to talk about the wife's right after marriage(read: Divorce). But what about their rights DURING marriage? Sometimes love blinds us so much that we tend to overlook these things. But I digress.

The moment I read "like nature", I realized that perhaps, it's about time I abandon the fairytaleistic idea that opposite attracts. Perhaps, it's time I be on the look out for someone who is somewhat like me. Perhaps too, I should forget what they say about how boring life will be if you're with someone just like you. I believe that when you put 2 people of like nature together, even the mundane like staring out the window of a moving bus can be fun.

Whatever...

Whatever happened to: "It's okay. Shit happens."

People just seem to love making others feel bad. Is it that uncool to be forgiving and understanding? Do people always have a secret agenda behind their seemingly innocent actions? Whatever happened to good old fashioned trust? It's a sad and difficult world we live in.

Let others say as they want. Whatever makes them happy. You can never please every single one. Just keep trying to please as many as you can. And hope one day, they'll please too.

The Fear of Hurting Others

I believe today, I've discovered yet another fear of mine - the fear of hurting the feelings of others.

And a quick google tells me it might be a psychological problem. Constant reflections of mine and the desire to improve myself could very well be "obsessional thoughts". Could I be suffering from mild obsessive-compulsive disorder?

Sighs I really hope not.

New Year. Same me.

A new year. A new day. A new post.

I shall not reminisce the past. I shall not look into the future. I shall write as I always do. It'll be like any other post. The date's different but everything else remains the same.

Today I ask myself why my entries sound so utterly depressing. I've been reading entries after entries written by friends who used to be strangers and strangers who will one day be my friends. Maybe. Who knows. These entries of theirs never fail to make me smile, chuckle, even laugh. One just can't help but feel the warmth and love in these entries. But whenever I re-read my entries, I get the gloomy feel. You do, don't you?

Yet once in a while, I receive positive comments and that tells me that I'm doing some things right. Right? Right. (: