The arrival of syawal

Hearing the takbir over the radio made me sad - the saddest ive felt in a long long while. The dinner table just felt a person short and i could just imagine him standing at the gate, looking at us one final time, and then leaving.

The morning of Syawal just no longer feels the same any more. Odd. Incomplete. And feeling helpless trying to be both me as well as the backbone of the family is so not helping keep my spirits up. Sometimes, jealousy do creep in when I see complete families happy. But i know things happen for a good reason. And that I should be grateful and thankful for what i have as well as for what i do not.

But ive also heard that one cannot be sad on the first day of Syawal, so I wont be.

Have a great Hari Raya all. Maaf zahir dan batin. For all the hurtful things that I might have said or done, knowingly or unknowingly.

On a different note, i got a good grade for a class writing assignment which I felt was the worst piece of writing i ever wrote. Had 45 minutes to write sthg and my mind didnt seem to work. For that reason, im truly thankful. But why am i having this feeling that i should have gotten an A for it?

Received a couple of letters recently. One of which noted that I'll be attaining the age of majority. Hopefully with age comes maturity.... and some wisdom... and some sense..

Dramatic night race...

There's more to F1 than just fast cars and big money tickets. Behind the scenes, there's big brains involved when it comes to making critical decisions. The commentator mentioned Game's Theory, also known as the Prisoners' Dilemma and really, it's analyzing, speculating and strategizing at its best!

Anyways, recess week is coming to an end. Recess week seems like the moment when the safety car comes on..... and the pace of a fast-paced race is slowed down to a nice slow pace. One could decide to change tyres and add more fuel or one could just cruise through the track till the race resumes once more.

I must say that i did cruise through my "safety car" week and changed a couple of tyres and added a lil bit of fuel. Not too sure whether i'm in a good position when it's business as usual but hey, I know im in a great shape mentally. There's still a couple of 'could have' and 'should have' that's playing at the back of my head but nothing significant that i'm regretting.

Safety car's gone. I can hear the engines revving up. I'm good to go.... 46 more laps.

The future....

"The future belongs to people who believe in the beauty of their dream."

.........Eleanor Roosevelt

Seeking Forgiveness...

It was the following.....

“Verily Man was created very impatient. Irritable when evil touches him, and stingy when good touches him…Except those who are devoted to Salaah. Those who remain constant in their salaah."

Al-Ma'aarij Verses 19-23

But i guess i shall seek comfort in the following...

From Anas, radiyallahu 'anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, say:

"Allah the Almighty has said: 'O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me, and hope in Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds in the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I shall forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with an earthful of sins and were you then to face Me, without having associated anything with Me, I shall grant you an earthful of pardon.'"

[Recorded by Al-Tirmidhi, who said that it is a good and sound hadith]

The enemy within is making life that little bit tricky... It's easy to want to change, but making the change permanent, it's tough.

The nature of me.....

When one's soul isnt at rest,everything else seems to refuse to fall into place. Idislike this feeling but why does it seem to be happening to me? I know of people who just couldnt care and they're doing fine if not better than me.

And then i'm remembered of the passage i read a couple of days ago-- about two kinds of people. I wanted to blog it down then but i realised it's not really that significant. And now i'm seeing the meaning behind it and am desperately trying to locate the pages, but to no avail.

I'll find it later, when im done with tuition.

Help. I'm restless and have lost my focus.

C - Functions

Lecture notes for the second series of Computing lectures are totally not helpful. Definitely not user friendly. But figuring out what it all means is a really fun process....

. ..... provided you've got all the time in the world to do it. Well i guess im starting to get the hang of it....

Recap, recall, revise......

Never have i imagined wanting to look for more questions to do besides the ones they gave as tutorials.

Lucky there's such a thing as a pdf version of the textbook. Saves not only the trouble of going to the library but also some money as textbooks do not come cheap.

On the downside, I am spending way too much time on the computer even though it's for studies. Waiting to see if this month's utilities bill spikes up. Should i give up studying in the comforts of my room for free electricity in school? Maybe i should, but that would mean spending less time at home. Hmm.... perhaps that's why someone spends his night in the library till it closes.

I'm missing the days when there's no bills or consequences to think about. When such stuffs are for parents to deal with.

.... But then again, it's this kind of things that makes life that little bit more interesting.

Recess Week...

Settled my lab report and am almost done with my group essay. I must say it's pretty fun to write but considering having so many things to do, I'll set aside writing my version of Love and Sacrifice to some other day in the distant future. Haha...

Now i wonder how i should go about spending the rest of the week now that the only datelines that I have to meet are:

12th November: Maths (9am-1130am), Economics (5pm-7pm)
17th November: Computing(9am-1130am)
19th November: Physics (9am-1130am)
21st November: Chemistry(9am-1130am)

50 days ..... To the first two acid test.
59 days to a nice vacation: I'll do my best to make it a well deserved and regret-free one.

Writing..... rewriting...

From 1,600 words to 2,000 words to 1,000 words.

Now we're trying to shorten it even more so as to include more points.We did an analysis that could be used to write 2 essays.

As of now, it's down to 900. The official machinery's responses tend to be bureaucratic if not brusque, and dismissive if not arrogant. Perhaps it's because they too have word limits.

Lucky to have some experience in writing straight to the point. And now i see why we had to do lots of summary-related exercises in secondary school and JC.

Summary skills come into the picture when preparing lab reports. The challenge in lab reports is to write technical stuffs using your own words.

Just me and the keyboard. Lucky i had more than enough experience typing on Microsoft Words. All the things learnt coming in handy.

A facade?

Trying to talk less assertively, and with less confidence.

People seem to have the impression that i'm good. And i don't want to be giving them the wrong impression.

Inspiration

I guess im really thankful to have been inspired, instead of waiting to be inspired.

Angel

Our path crossed.

Analyzing a reply letter

Analyzing a reply letter of a government agency to be exact.

To explain why the text was effective or ineffective. A relatively easy choice for my group communication assignment as reply letters from government agencies should be quite effective, or are they?

How appropriate is the use of language, sentence structure, grammatical patterns and choice of words? How has the content been organized? Does it help or confuse readers? Does it address all the issues raised in the original letter or do they go completely off track and talk about something else instead?

"It has been a perennial peeve among contributors to the readers' pages of newspapers here that the official machinery's responses tend to be bureaucratic if not brusque, and dismissive if not arrogant."

But "there is little doubt that the face of Government in the readers' pages is friendlier and its voice gentler." So has it really become friendlier and gentler?

Hopefully we'll manage to analyze the letter well and do enough to score an A+.

The day I found Enjoyment

On my way to school, I was in a conversation with myself. I was wondering where Enjoyment was hiding. Week 6 is almost coming to an end and I’ve still not felt it yet. All I felt was fatigue from late nights, backache from sitting too long and the occasional frustrations for not being able to solve one too many problems. 3 days ago was the first time I felt slightly pressured when I look at how others are doing well and I asked myself if I can keep up with them.

And I can’t say enough how glad I am, to not feel pressure from all the works that are coming in from all angles: Physics, maths, chemistry, computing, economics, and effective communication. The ability to work under pressure really comes in useful at times like this where the only pressure you need is the pressure to succeed.

I didn’t know what enjoyment was till during my journey back home, through a conversation with myself.

It was a pretty long day. Had a couple of lectures in the morning followed by computing tutorial. And we had a surprise: computing assessment. We had to write a program based on the instructions given. I smiled as I typed as I realized all my hard work hadn’t gone to waste. Everything seems to fall into place.

Had a couple more lectures after lunch followed by tuition. I’ve been having problem grasping physics concepts and what took me 5 weeks to understand, I did in an hour and a half. Even managed to finish my first tutorial during that time. I just needed someone to go through it with me at my own pace and once I get it, I just get it.

And I felt happy. Happy that what seemed to be a monster is just the shadow of a monster. And when the "monster" finally revealed itself, it's actually what I was looking for all this while -- Enjoyment.

One's only able to feel enjoyment when one knows one has lots to do, so many things to achieve, yet one's able to take it in stride and just soldier on. The enjoyment is felt when one just do not give up when there's an error in one's computer program. Google, ask a friend. But I find that the best way to learn is to ask yourself what could have gone wrong. Enjoy the moment you manage to solve the problem on your own effort.

Seek help. Never be afraid to ask when things seem to be spiraling downwards. Never ever give up. And remember that whining and complaining never solves any problem -- ERP will not go away, bus fares will only keep going higher, oil prices will not fall. Problems will only go away if you find the right solutions.

And lastly, the ability to still find the time to relax and enjoy amidst the hectic pace is the best enjoyment of all.

Like how the caliphs were able to achieve and do so many things and still be able to be close to God and the teachings of the Prophet, I too want to be able to do likewise.

How are decisions made?

Almost every personal decision i make would involve my mum -- what she would prefer me do rather than what i really want to do.

I do believe it is a good thing but im starting to see it's negative effect on the social aspect of my life. Will there come a point when I would start doing what I wants to do? If there is, I don't see mine coming anytime soon.

From the way I see it, there's only one way for that 'point' to come. And if it does come, i'd wish that it had'nt.

Where'd you go?

Last night was the first time i saw him. It had been a little over 2 years. As i hugged him for the longest of time, tears rolled down my eyes. If only i had done that when he was around. If only i could turn back time.....

Forget?

How can i ever forget when it keeps me going each and every single day.

Masters.

This past 24hours, I've heard the word Masters four times.

I spoke to a guy who's in his last semester who plans to do his Masters.

Another one of the guys who wasat TM gave an intro about himself yesterday night and it did quite move me. He's already graduated and got his Masters (Im not sure the way to write it) and he's only 26. He's Malaysian and shared that when he was six, he went to a school that taught in Malay and the only language he could speak then was Hokkien.

And no he doesnt have rich parents who gave him tuition when he was just in kindergarten. His short intro really did inspyre me to really work hard and achieve something. And not whine about problems after problems.

An Indian student, whom I think is doing her Masters programme, shared how she picked herself up after falling from first to last in class and the importance of not giving up to climb back up.

And the fourth time i heard the word Masters was today on the way to school. I was talking to a friend of mine and when i asked her what she plans to do once she graduates, she said if possible, she wants to do her masters. And she did say that one has got to get first class honours in order to do so.

I wont say what my aims are. But I'll work hard for the lady who waits for me at the door on days i reach home late at night, despite me telling her not to.

Get a program to throw the dice for you...

Should anyone out there who cant sleep coz you're still looking for the solution to the last computing tutorial question -- write a program to simulate the outcome from the rolling of a six sided dice that runs 100 times -- this is my take on int. Hopes Google gets this post.

And should you be wondering why "1+rand()%6", %6 gives you the remainder of whatever random number the computer spits out. And there's a "1+" in front because there are random numbers that gives 0 as remainder.

Hope now you can get that good night sleep. Hmmm... guess now, there's something that i can teach at uni level. Tuition anyone?

Week 5

Past 3 nights had been long ones. I was knocked out by 9.30. Think that's more than enough rest to make up for all the late nights since school started 5 weeks ago.

How time really flies. Week five already ended and ive got another ten weeks before the first big one. A friend asked what would be the GPA i think i would get at the end of this first semester. I modestly replied 3.8 coz anything above 4 would be seen as over confidence and saying anything less than a 3.5 would be seen as setting a target that's a bit too low. Aim for the sky and you would touch the clouds, aim for the moon and you could touch the stars.... erm, something to that effect.

Had our first quiz for maths which had two questions to be done in 15minutes. Managed to do just one and ive got to say that both are easy questions. Easy questions for those who had prepared well for the test. I'd say there's lots to do. I was surprised when the viet guy, who didnt know there was a quiz as he was absent the previous week, managed to do both questions with ease!

I'm feeling a little worried -- worried coz I'm not as worried as i would have been back in JC. I seem to be taking things well, or am I? I love my computing and econs. I know my weakest is Physics and i' have helped myself by looking for help. Maths and chesmistry are quite manageable -- but ive gotta spend that extra few hours on it. 10 more weeks, i believe i should be able to turn things around.

Btw, 4 minutes may seem like a short time but it's taking me forever to make that four minutes a good one.

Understanding your child, understanding your parents....

What if for some unexplainable reason you find out that your late dad wants you to look after your sister carefully. And when you ask Melinda Gordon from Ghost Whisperer was there anything else that he said, she tells you to just look after your sister carefully. What would you do? What would you do knowing that she's one heck of a kid to handle that the only guy she was afraid of was dad?

What if you found out that your dad told Melinda to tell your mum to look after you carefully. Knowing how stubborn you are, would you take heed and start listening to them? Change? Or would u just choose not to believe all the Ghost Whisperer nonsense and carry on as you always do?

It's hard to see what goes on in the mind of normal teenagers. Why they cant see things the way i see things.... Or should i learn to see things the way they see things. Communication is easy to say on paper but really, i have a feeling it's hard to communicate with your children especially when the culture does not exist in the first place. All this shouldn't really be my problem. I should be happily studying and not worry about stuffs.

But circumstances changes whatever ideal plans one may have. One just gotta keep adapting to changes and move on. I just pray for all teens to really try to understand all the pain and struggles that their parents had to go through to raise them well. Understand them, not the other way round. It's no use regretting not listening only when they're gone. And try hard not to disappoint them.

And should you be around the house watching over us, do help.

May everyone strive to make this blessed month of Ramadhan the best one yet, insyaallah.