Sunday, April 11, 2010

To err is .... I don't know

While taking long walks, moods may change.

I'm still up - doing my tutorials. I dozed off, while sitting down, for like a good 15 minutes. I've still got a few more questions to go and I've still got it in me to remain awake. I needed to write.

I've been keying in thoughts into my phone during my "break" from writing, all in the hopes of looking back and writing all of them down on the 5th of May. There's one that I keyed in around an hour ago and it's been bothering me.

I wrote:

Relations with people are hard to maintain. Today, I realize that people drift further apart the longer they remain apart. Feelings DO NOT remain the same. Absence DO NOT make the heart grow fonder. This, is contrary to what I've believed all this while. Maintaining relations with others is a skill - a skill that I'm still learning.

There's a stubborn unreasonable streak within me that I can't seem to get rid of. The special preferences, the double standards, the exceptions. And the selfish me that wonders why he always seem to be pleasing others and never the other way round, or why he has to always be understanding and accepting one. Why can't others try to understand him for a change? Unreasonable me, I know.

In rare moments when any of the above tendencies reveal itself, I'll always have some caring honest souls to slap me in the face and tell me that my behaviour was truly unacceptable. Sighs. This dark side of mine has been following me ever since my JC days. Will I ever be rid of it? I don't know. I really don't.

To err is human. But to err sucks big time. It's one of those nights when reflections simply go round and round in dizzying circles. I needed to write these down rather than let it loop in my mind.

The conclusion of this lengthy ramble?

I don't know.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You've become mean. But I support it, because I've become mean too. Blame it on life. Life makes people mean, because life is too hard. But if we think more deeply about this, life is made up of people and relationships, so it is people and relationships that make us mean. Although I think in this world, there are still one or two good people who help to suck out some evil in the world, they can't suck out ALL the evil because it's too much. These good people are understanding and patient - VERY - and bear the brunt of vented frustrations and bullying from these mean people (who also take these good people for granted). There are only a few good people left because many have crossed over to the mean side (inevitably.. because life gets easier when you've crossed over). But I know good people still exist. I like to think I used to be one of these good people. But I've given up and I've crossed over. The selfish part of me wishes you wouldn't cross over, but for your own good (so you no longer get bullied and get hurt, but it is also to your detriment [depending on which way you see it], because you will face inevitable moral decadence), I say, Cross Over.