Decided to start leading prayers todae....just me and my 2 bros lah. Man.... for Maghrib(4th prayer time), we took 40 mins to finish praying lah!Everyone kept laughing and giggling..... basket.... when we started to get bored laughing...its only den we went on "serious" mode. Decided to continue the same thing for Isyak(Fifth prayer time)....to make the giggling and laughing and all die off... almost werked... coz we took abt 25mins to do everything w/o interuption. Haha... will keep doing this for all 5 times till everyone gets bored of laughing and be more serious....yea...
And finally, managed to memorize one of the six page i needed to memorise. Took 1h30mins to get everything into my head. A really really BIG achievevment. I dun care abt time for revision and all.... i noe i need to pick the Quran up and start memorising esp when the "mood" came. Heh.... how i wish GOd would simply take my life away rite now. When things have been extremely peaceful. But when i come back to the real world...with exams to face... how i wish my life simply stops here. Though i noe the things i've been doing rite now will definitely not outweigh all my sins i've made in the past.... at least i'll "serve a shorter sentence" and that'll simply be it. Argh.... am not feeling suicidal btw. Just thinking out loud.
prayer. Here's a quote from the Prince of Egypt OST.
"Many nights we've prayed, with no proof anyone could hear. In our hearts a hopeful song (that) we barely understood. Now we are not afraid, although we know there's much to fear. We were moving mountains long before we ever knew we could. There can be miracles, when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles, you can achieve. When you believe, somehow you will….you will when you believe In this time of fear, when prayer so often proved in vain. Hope seemed like the summer birds too swiftly flown away. Yet now I'm standing here, with heart so full I can't explain. Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say.
There can be miracles, when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles, you can achieve. When you believe, somehow you will….you will when you believe”
Song describes me now. So true. Every single word. Day and night I pray, with no proof anyone but myself could here. (And I noe, that there’s no need for proofs to every aspect of our lives.) But slowly… I begin to realize that my prayers are being answered. First it was me and my sis. Now it’s with me and my bros. I always ask God to bring us closer together, bridge e gap. And I see things improving. My bros recently found this spirit to mug but it seem to flicker on and off and I asked God to really make that spirit stay for good…. And I saw e diff todae. They were doing work happily in e morning. In e afternoon. And at night. They were at it till 12+. Things begin to change and I can see it happening. Spiritually, I noe I have been thru ups and downs but now seems to be an up…. Which is why I sound “suicidal” in e 2 nd paragragh.
But in times like this, “times of fear”… prayers often seem to be in vain. I do pray to ask God to aid me in my study life. To allow me to be able to memorize my stuffs, understand and remember. But this prayer has long not been answered. Maybe me memorizing that 1 page marks e start of an improved me… but… me knowing its just 2 days left. Me “fearing” of e music that I’ll face when I get back e papers…It makes hope seems so distant, like e summer birds tt had flown away.
I know there can be miracles, when I believe. And “though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.” Who knows what miracles I can achieve and when I believe, somehow I will….I will when you believe. Self-encouragement I guess. I guess tonite, I am in this self-pity mode.
Anw, I cant help but wonder why…. Though I told myself to look at e “long term”, not to worry about e Mids, how inconsequential e Mids is and all that stuff….why despite saying all this, do I still feel fear. Why despite all this do I still feel e need to do well? Why despite saying all this do I feel so…. Man…
Well that’s it for self-pity. HAHA!!!! That really helped a lot. Hmm…. Now something proper to talk about. I still haven’t had e time to step out of e house during this entire holiday to get myself a decent pair of shoes. My current shoes has holes….and e soles…. Hhaa. Let’s put it this way – my feets can almost feel e ground.
I know I should cut my hair. But I cut it on week 1 of e hols. The sides and back are rather short…. But the top… heh… u noe wat I mean. But nvm, hopefully it looks decent enough when I go back to school.
Better go shop for stationeries tomorrow. Coz after a month, all my stuffs are either missing or used up. But I have the feeling that I wouldn’t be stepping out of the house just yet.
And my uniforms aren’t ironed yet. I know I’ll need every single second from now till after Physics test on Thurs….. so must slot in ironing time… ish…
realised the new post photos.... i guess i shall try using it. The picture up there's taken from an Iranian artist, i think, via google. Really feels like me. Heh... doing work. Sometimes simply fall asleep. The darkness symbolises the night. Hmm.... can feel the tireness the little gurl is feeling.... heh.... well thats why the pic's simply special...
Hmm….. coming to an end already lah. Really want to talk more…..haha…. as usual… but… as usual, cannot lah. Two days. Am really unprepared. Should I worry? Should I just do my best? What if my best isn’t my best? What if my best isn’t enuff? Grr… wat should I do….?
To those who read word for word, thanks for listening.
To the people who simply feels that my entries are getting more and more monotonous and boring…. Haha…. dun give up just yet ar! Hhaa…
-dilemma-
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