When your problem becomes mine.

I don't feel too good.

Somewhere out there, there's a mother who's trying hard to get her daughter back despite the abuse. And there's a little girl who smiles despite the odds. Why must there be one sad soul for every nine happy individuals? Why can't everyone just be happy? Yes this feeling will go as soon as I fall asleep, but times like this I wonder why sad stories make me sad. Perhaps it's because I attach myself to individuals a tad too easily. Thus, their problem becomes mine. Sighs.

La tahzan. Innallaha ma'anaa.

The heart knows

Things happen for a reason. There's no point rushing.

Some time back, I wanted to join a group that aims to help out the Primary 6 madrasah students in Singapore in preparation for their final-year examinations.

But time became a factor - school's too busy and that I needed time for studying. But then I realized hours of floorball managed to be squeezed into this recent semester's timetable so how could it be time? Money became a factor. I needed Saturday mornings to teach at least one kid so that there's some money going into my bank account. And then I realized that the more money I have, the more I tend to spend. Friends became a factor too. I didnt know anyone in APEX. There were a few guys though, but none whom I knew.

However, despite the excuses, one thing remained constant - I wanna help, one day.

A week ago, I saw a publicity ad regarding a mentoring workshop. No friends, I said. A few days later, an sms regarding a camp from a friend asking if I could bring another guy friend as facilitators and that another friend of mine will be there too. Just great. I'm trapped. But I immediately realized that this could be my way in. Fast forward to today, the heart tries and fails as he tries to think of a reason to not join APEX.

When asked why APEX Arabiah: "The heart knows."

Sign Language

I wish I could sign and tell her what's on my mind.

Deconstructing one's self

As I "deconstruct" myself, I look for flaws that lie within me and I try to "fix" it. I strive for that perfection. I am a perfectionist.

One flaw is this tendency to put others before self to the extent that I neglect my own self. Another is the constant need to reflect and think about the things I have done, am doing or about to do. According to people who have observed me sufficiently, this then makes me a less confident person. Am I? I don't think I am.

It's kinda interesting to be the subject of an analysis. The ability to look at one's self from someone else's eyes had allowed me to deconstruct myself further. Insyaallah, I'll be a better person one day.

The Stranger

I'll always be a stranger even though everything's out here waiting to be read. Well, almost everything.

Stress ey?

Stress is a sucky feeling in times like this.

Over the next 8 days, I'll be sitting for 6 more papers and the feeling truly sucks. While the semester seemed to have started great, it kinda went downhill somehow. If there's a lesson to be learnt this semester, it's about consistency. (IT'S NOT EASY TO BE CONSISTENT!!)

Anws, I was freakily stressed for my first paper last Saturday. No information seems to be going into this thick skull of mine. A Facebook comment told me to read 20 : 25-28. I immediately flipped the Quran. I realized it was lines I used to always read 3 times before the start of every examination that I sat for.... when I was in primary school. I guess I stopped as I grew older. I then read the translation that was written at the sides. It calmed me down a great deal.

The next day, I grabbed my brother's jacket and the other brother's pencil and went for my paper. Knowing that they're with me, helps. That said, it doesn't really make the paper any easier. Haha.

8 more days. Hope things go decently okay.

Like a lost floc

But somehow, it gets harder to study when the crucial dates get closer. I don't feel too good. And I thought being in my third year, I'd become a tad smarter in terms of managing my time. I don't feel prepared. I'm scared. I feel like a lost floc settling so freaking slowly down a bottomless sedimentation tank.

I'm gonna walk into the examination hall, scribble some stuffs and walk away hoping to get a grade for it. Again. And if I don't, well, I could try again next semester. And the next. Sigh.

Mum's been asking how's school. The people I study with in school. The place where I sleep whenever I spend the night in school. The food I eat. Sighs. Each time she asks, I'll give the "shrugs-your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine" look and say, "I don't know."

I think she knows I'm struggling. I think I just found out I'm struggling and now, I just feel like vanishing into thin air. Irresponsible of me, I know. And then I saw a note on Facebook:

How to get an A Grade Final Exam?
By Muhammad Alshareef

1. In school, you can often redo your exam if you fail. In the
hereafter, if one fails there is no going back.

2. In school, you often do not know what questions will be asked. In
the hereafter, there are only 3 questions: Who is your Lord? What is
your Deen? And who is this man who was sent to you? But the answers
are answers you live by.

3. In school, we stay up at night to prepare for the exam the next
day. So too in Allah's exam, we should be staying up in night prayers.

4. In school, we pray and hope and work for an outstanding mark. So
too should be our attitude towards Allah's exam.

5. In school, when we get a great mark, we erupt with happiness. So
too will the believers erupt in happiness when they get their books in
their right hands. Work for it.

6. In school, when we get a bad mark, sadness can be seen on our
faces, and we dislike to face others. So too in the hereafter. Protect
yourself from that.

7. During a school exam, you cannot ask anyone for help. In the
hereafter, you can prepare from now to get assistance from Allah's
Messenger, the Quran, and other ways of intercession.

8. In school, when exam time draws near, we banish distractions to
focus on what is really important. In Allah's exam, isn't death within
1 heart beat? Banish distractions and focus.

9. In school, until exam results come out, we worry about the result.
In Allah's exam, we don't know what our result will be, so we spend
our days in hope and worry until the results come out.

Dear God, help me. For nothing is easy except what You have made easy.

The Sun is Sleeping

I fell asleep at around 8pm last night while briefly surfing Facebook on my mobile... while lying on the floor... on a big comfy pillow. I guess that's partly the reason why I choose to hang around in school to catch up on work.

However, what surprised me was that I didnt know I was this tired. The mind just tells me to study and I study, that's all.

I've been asked if I ever get bored of studying, in school, alone at times. And they doubt me when I told them I find joy in studying, in school, alone at times. I'm a weak learner. The mind doesnt work in the way I want it to work. But I still see myself somewhere in future. It might take a little longer than others but I'll still be there. And I feel that the only way to get there is through prayers, experience and hard work. Hard work and resilience are the two things that I believe will compensate for my inability to understand and store information in this brain of mine.

Well now I'm awake, studying. There's an old lady in the next room sleeping and for that very reason alone, I'll keep going no matter what.

Long overdue thoughts...

*vacuums the cobwebs, dead spiders and dusts*

I've not written for 17 days!! I guess that's something that's bound to happen now that I've got a life. Well, school's my life for the next 2 years and at the moment, I'm starting to love it more and more. The friends I have makes life so much enjoyable. It's amazing how the people around me look out for me and are ever so willing to help out when I'm in doubt. And yes, I can't thank them enough.

I've been around studying with friends who happen to be in the "list" and I realize they're just like anyone of us, trying to learn and understand what's on the lecture notes. I realize that the questions I find myself asking them are the questions that they ask the professors after lectures or tutorials. I realize that they still require time to think and ponder about my questions. At times, they're as clueless as I am. I realize these Dean's Listers are where they are because of hardwork, the right attitude and the right style. And their humility adds to their awesomeness.

And recently, I'm surprised at some of the things I'm willing to allow or do for the sake of my brothers' happiness. I'm also surprised when my mum told me that an old friend of mine is going to get engaged soon. He's around my age.

Sighs. Sometimes, I do wonder what lies ahead. I wonder who I'll be with. I wonder if we've met. And I wonder what she would see in someone like me. But that's just sometimes. Most times, I'll tell myself to get my academic stuffs back on track, not get too sweetly distracted and when the time comes, it comes.

A couple more weeks to my exams. Hope everyone's doing alright. Smile yeah?

The Smile

I was just .... smiling to myself as I typed away on my laptop. Mama, who walked in to iron something she's working on, asked me why I was smiling. She immediately assumed I was chatting with a girl. Like, cmon. I'm sure many of you smile as you do stuffs on the Net, right? See, ure nodding and smiling! So that's that.

Then I replied with a non-reply coz some things are better left unanswered.

Is Happiness....

The things I do in pursuit of happiness. And the exams ... well, I needed a chill pill. Play time's over. Back to serious business, until Deathly Hallows hits the big screen in 13 days.

Happiness is ....

Sometimes, some things we take for granted. Some things I take for granted.

I used to think I'll always be this happy positive guy full of positive energy, full of hope and determination to succeed in life no matter how hard life may be. But sadly, somehow I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy.

The deterioration of one's health have a direct influence on one's ability to be positive and cheerful. Ever since the freakishly high fever and killer headache suffered last Thursday, life has not been the same. Im still waiting for the day I regain my health back. My throat is feeling sore and nothing seems to make it go away. I feel more nervous and with the exams round the corner, I'm really feeling so messed up.

I don't know but for the first time in a while, I think I need help. Badly.

I miss attending trainings. I miss having the ability to concentrate. I miss liking school. I miss being distracted. I miss being healthy and happy. This, is depressing.

I hope this is temporal. I hope this is a strong reminder for me to not take things for granted. To always be grateful for everything that I have. Never should we ever take things for granted coz you'll never know when it'll be taken away from you.

Of birds and man-made waterfall

I could look at them birds and they could look at me, all day. At times, I felt sad seeing them birds being the object of our amusement. I felt sad that some seemed more lonely than others (yes I psychoanalyse birds too, hurhur). But there are moments when I envy their freedom.

Sighs. When I look at them birds, I see me. And I begin to wonder ...

Am I happy or am I sad? Or am I .... nevermind.

The rubbish that I type makes me smile sometimes.

The Fear of Losing You

Many many months ago, I posted an entry called Beauty.

Many many months later, I watched a movie called Bridge to Terabithia. And I realized that the picture that I used in the entry Beauty was from this very movie! Lovely story. Even more lovely is how things from the past connect with the present in weird little ways.

It is sad how Leslie Burke had to go before the guy Jesse could tell her how he felt about her. The feeling of losing someone sucks, I know. And for some reason that I will never be able to explain, I do fear losing you.

Sighs. I'm a sucker for movies that move.

The Listener

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a position to advise friends in matters of the heart coz I'm someone who's afraid of falling in love simply because I'm afraid I might break someone's heart.

That said, if you've got issues regarding life, love and everything in between, let me know in the comments coz my advice seems to comfort somewhat. Sighs.

Imagine...

My brothers have left home on a short 4 days trip organised by their school. It's only day 1 and the house feels pretty quiet. My sister wouldn't be home till later and if I were to be in school right now, the house would be eerily silent. Mama would be all by herself.

I can only imagine what it'll be like should my brothers really pursue a career in the marine industry. They'd be away from home for months, to say the least. I wonder if Mama can cope with that. If I were her, there's no knowing when I'd cry coz the feeling of being alone .... sucks much?

What if what if what if I were to pursue a career abroad? What then?

I can only imagine how she feels. I feel for all mothers. I wonder if dads feel the same way too.

Week 6: Quiz Week

We're nearing the middle of our semester and I ....

... I feel somewhat afraid. But everytime I feel afraid, I take deep breaths and push on. Tomorrow is just one quiz. Friday is just another. I'm supposed to be prepared for these quizzes but if I'm not, I need to remember that fear and stress will not make these quizzes go away. The quizzes will not get any easier.

So yeah, deep breaths and think happy thoughts. Allow your mind to wander for a while. Think of people and their smiles. Smile. We can do it.

My 3rd 21st Birthday

Today I feel alot younger and happier even though school's been pretty hectic as I try to balance both work and play.

It's funny though how I've come to fall in love with words over the years. I remember days when my words hurt the feeling of others. And the days when the words of others hurt me so much that deep down, I wish I'll never ever hurt the feeling of others.

At age 23, I look at my facebook wall and I see lots of words of well-wishes and I feel warm and fuzzy. I feel loved even though they're just mere words.

At age 23, I realize the attention that I pay to the words of others and wonders if others pay attention to mine.

At age 23, I still imagine how it feels like to celebrate my birthday with food and a cake and balloons and noise and presents even though I prefer the peace and quiet that I'm enjoying right now since I'm the only one at home.

At age 23, I still imagine, wonder and dream of the "what ifs" from the comfort of my home. A quiet 3rd 21st birthday. Many quiet 21st birthdays to come. Happy Birthday.

The Freaky Moment

I knew the world was small but I was pretty sure it wasn't *THIS* small. I think I'm more or less dead. Gosh. And for the first time yesterday, I saw myself in the mirror and realized that when I blush, my entire face turn red.

Oh boy, that was freakily embarrassing. I need a paperbag.

Week 4: Already?

A wonderful week. Hope the momentum gained will carry me through the coming weeks. Hope it's been the same for you as well.

Week 3: In a flash

Monday: Hari ini, aku rasa seolah-olah Tuhan telah menjauhkan diriNya dari diriku ini. Tetapi, mungkin ia kerana aku telah mula menjauhkan diriku daripadaNya.

Tuesday: Floorball trials. It was purely for the fun of it since I'm barely a year into the sports. Or so I thought. Somehow, the feeling of rejection still sucks no matter what.

Wednesday: Attended 2 tutorials. Read up lecture notes and did some tutorial questions but studying alone is a sucky feeling. I wonder what happened to the guy who loves studying alone.

Thursday: Rushed for Frisbee Recreational training. Meeting new people was lovely. Towards the end of the session, I was asked if I was interested to train with the competitive team. Should I?

Friday: A slow rainy tiring day.

Saturday: Visiting. Quiz revision.

Sunday: A Sunday morning soccer friendly. Was trashed 7-0. It could've been 7-7... had I converted the 7 or more chances I had. My mind's all over the place. I can't seem to focus. Everything seems to be crashing down.

Perhaps, a timely gentle reminder for me that things may be handy dandy one day, and shitty the next. Never take your current situation for granted. Be thankful, always.

The Fourth Second Day of Eid

"Ma, can you walk faster?"

"Ma, can you please stand behind the yellow line?"

"Ma, can you let the people in the train alight first?"

"Ma, can we please not take the bus?"

"Ma, can we just wait and ask the taxi driver if he'd take the five of us?"

"Ma, can you walk under the shelter?"

"Ma, hurry up."

"Ma, can you just wait?"

"Ma, can you not do that?"

"Ma, ...."

"Ma, don't do that."

"Ma, it's irritating."

"Ma, please."

"Ma, people are watching."

"Ma..."

"Ma!"

"MAMA...!"

Sometimes we forget that she's the woman who's responsible for the individuals we are today. We forget that she cannot walk at lightning speed. Or walk four flights of stairs. Or walk the seemingly short distance. We forget the countless of taxi rides she must've avoided in order to provide us with the coins for our school meals. We forget the countless of times we must've embarrassed her when we cried in public or vomit on the bus. We forget the countless of times she told us to pray on time, to wake up early, to do this and this and that - yet, we never listen. Sighs. The things we forget.

"Mama, please bear with us just a little bit more. We may think and feel we're old enough, and we know more than you do but really, do we really? We don't."

The Fourth First day of Eid

Eid this year was pretty much like last year's and the couple of years before that. Eid mornings will never be the same without dad. His presence can still be felt when we wish for him to be around so that we wouldn't have to take the public transport or so that we could get Hari Raya money or when we talk about Hari Raya when dad was still with us. He's always in our conversations on days such as today and I hope he will always be. Mama would feel less lonely that way.

On a sidenote, my sister gave us kids Hari Raya money!

And yes, I'm sticking to my "Zero Story Policy" this semester. (:

Salam Lebaran my silent readers.

Haha!

... to the things I tell myself to make my life as pleasant as I know it should be no matter how sucky things may be. I'm looking at my tutorials, googling up definitions and examples - trying to figure out what I'm supposed to understand. It may be the first week, and it's definitely NOT getting any easier. But there's only one way I can go... and that's forward.


Haha!

.... to the things I find myself telling the people around me to make them feel happy, even if it's just for a second. Secretly, I'm hoping for that one-second of happiness to translate into one that lasts for a long time. Somehow.

I clearly remember a question that was asked by a teacher back during my secondary school days. She asked, "What makes you happy?" I looked around and I see the rest of my classmates waiting eagerly for my answer.

I replied, "The smile on my friends' faces. Seeing the smile on my friends' faces is enough to make me happy."

No matter how unhappy they may have made me feel....

First day: The Third Year

I saw, turned around and looked the other way. Sighs. This semester, I shall keep the same old stories to myself. On a totally separate note, my notes have been printed. I'm ready to study. All the best to you my silent readers, and me.

‎

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."

.........From the movie Leap Years

Happy Birthday Mother

You know mum's feeling alot better when you realize that she remembers today's her birthday while I, on the other hand, errrr.... completely genuinely cleanly forgot. I had to ask her how old she is for I never took note of her age. I'm fine telling myself she's fifty something forever.

I received a farewell gift yesterday. It was my last day of work. As soon as I reached home late that night, the little boy in me immediately went to my mama's room to show her what I got. She saw the box, and sat up excitedly. The smile on her face. It's felt like a long time since I saw that smile.

The box. The smile. The excitement. Oh no!

"Ma... no no no. I'm sorry! This isn't yours. It's mine and I just wanted to show it to you. Oh man.... I forgot. It's your birthday isn't it? I forgot!!"

It surprises me though how happy a gift can make one feel. The gift I received made me feel touched. And I know I almost made my mum feel likewise. I'll make it up to her somehow. I've got something in mind. (:

Conversations with God

After a timely wake-up call yesterday morning, I made my way to the mosque that night. I stayed back all the way till the end to listen to the minutes-turn-hour long tazkirah. What he said moved me. The fact that he's a young imam yet so eloquent in arabic moved me. I remember being younger wanting to be like the young imams that read oh-so-beautifully. I know I still do wanna be like them. I need to change. I want to. So help me God.

It's been a long long time since I had conversations with God. Apparently, the best time to have conversations with God is deep into the night.... say around 3-4am. But what do I do? I don't think I've got much to ask or say to him.

Today, I woke up early for tuition only to find mum lying on the couch. She usually continues her sleep on the couch after morning prayers. I later came back to find her still lying on the couch. I found it weird. Perhaps she's tired. I switched on the telly and opened the windows in the living room - her constant coughing was disturbing and I didnt want germs to linger. The living room got brighter. Afterall, it was already noon. She got up and went to her bedroom. I thought she'd probably wash up and do what she usually do. However, she remained in bed till about 10pm.

She refused to eat much when it was time to break her fast. I asked if she wanted some bread, a banana, anything. She simply shook her head. Took a sip of tea and went back to bed. I realised late on in the day that the youngest brother of mine was down with fever when I saw him covered with a cold wet towel. Touched his body and that kid was hot. He ate half a slice of bread for break fast.

I sat at the dinner table feeling helpless. Mum in bed. The brother refusing to eat much. What was I to do? It's times like this that I wish Dad's still around. He'll know what to do. He'll probably drive them both to the clinic or something. How do I look after an ill mother, or my ill brother?

I remembered some words from yesterday's tazkirah - to seek help from Him. I realized I've been taking things for granted one too many times. I forgot to be grateful. The people around me, our health ... these can be taken away from us at any time. Dear God, I believe I've learnt my lesson. I shall seek to have conversations with you this Ramadhan and beyond. I hope mother and brother get well soon.

The Extended Journey

The Journey.

It's filled with hopes and dreams and sweet distractions that sometimes, we distract ourselves from the bigger journey. I know I do.

Ramadhan came 11 days ago. I wasn't excited. I wasn't reluctant either. Life was pretty much the same except for the fact that I had to wake up early for my meal, I couldn't eat or drink for the rest of the day until it's time to break my fast. And after Maghrib, sometimes a trip to the nearby mosque. Most times not.

During the days before the coming of Ramadhan, I read with doubt the excitement of my friends of the coming of this Holy monthvia their Facebook statuses. I asked myself why am I not feeling likewise. Or should I say, why do I no longer feel likewise?

I remember my younger days where I would rush to the mosque on my rusty yet faithful bike. I recall seeing friends sitting at the back of the mosque while the others prayed and I asked myself questions like, "Why come in the first place?". And when crowds left after 8 rakaats of prayers, I asked myself, "Why the rush? It's Ramadhan. The more we pray, the more we read the Quran, the more we listen to recitations of the Quran, the more rewards we get. The easier our passage to Heaven."

I miss the innocence of old. The innocence of new is a dream to pursuit a degree in law one day.

What's the point of dreaming of becoming a better someone when I know my relationship with God is getting worse by the day. This past 11 days, Ive let slipped by blindly. Worse still, knowingly.

Today, after morning prayers, I logged on to Facebook. Checked my notifications. Added a new friend. Looked through the newsfeed. A video caught my eye. I sat through the 80 mins Youtube video and for the first time is a very very very long time, I cried. I've never felt so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know there's nothing I can do about the 11 days that Ive let slipped pass. I just need to make up for lost time.

I want to be a better person. But why can't God just make my prayers come true? Why is it so hard to be someone good?

Oh my Lord I know I don’t deserve your heaven

And yet your blazing wrath I could never defend

So Lord rain down upon this lowly soul your forgiveness

Lord you and you alone forgive and wash away the most grievous sins

My sins are countless as the sands on the shore

Accept my repentance, O Lord of Majesty

For my life grows shorter with each day

While my sins increase with each passing moment

O my Lord, Your sinful servant approaches You

Continuously sinning while steadfastly beseeching You

If You forgive, You are most capable of doing so

And if You forsake me, then to whom else can I turn…

Here's the abovementioned Youtube video:

The Journey

We're on a journey, each one of us.

What started out as a chase(or a non-chase depending on your perspective) has just turned into a quest to make it into the school's floorball team and maybe even be captain one day. Granted, I've probably the least experience amongst all of them but slowly and surely, I'm absorbing as much as I can from my teammates who seem to be more than willing to teach. Also, it doesn't hurt to dream, does it?

I've spent a decent amount of dough on a floorball stick and shoes - to the displeasure of my sister who thinks I'm spending money unnecessarily. At least she knows what it feels like to see siblings "wasting" money away now that she's the sole breadwinner. Little things like this tells me she's finally growing up.

I digress. The stick and the shoes are my way of committing myself to this sport. I'm fully aware that the chances of me getting the sack is high. But I shall hang on till the very end.

If this chase falls apart, I know I could still go back to recreational and non-chase whoever it is that I'm not non-chasing. This is my journey.

Killing me softly

It's been a while.

It's been a while since my eyes played tricks on me. I'm starting to see things that aren't there yet I fail to see those that are. Now is definitely not the time for me to believe what I want to believe ... but I still choose to believe what I want to. This confusion of the self is so darn foolish. Oh man...

... this is so so killing me softly. Someone strangle me please.

Really Crappy Writing

It sucks to be in bed for most of the past two days. Fever come and go as it pleases and now that it's almost gone, the stomach is starting to feel just a little bit queasy. One thing I like about being sick though is the fact that Mama treats me like I'm still seven. The wet towel over my face, the constant reminder to take my meds and her asking me how I'm feeling. I can't help but feel loved.

On a totally separate note, that weird feeling is back again. It's the feeling that never fail to make me smile, shake my head and whisper to myself, "I must be crazy." I have no idea what the outcome of this story nor do I intend to take steps to have a rough idea of where it's heading. I shall be patient and hopes that whatever happens is for the best.

Work resumes tomorrow. I can't wait for this weekend to come. Hoping that the 2D1N trip to KL will help take my mind of army, work and anything else in between. Gonna indulge in loads of good food - I've got eyes on Secret Recipes' cakes!!

Anyways, as I type away, I realize that this entry is being written in such a crappy manner that I don't feel like publishing it at all! 3 weeks of green, sun, rain and sand have successfully sucked the creative juice out of me!! Oh wells, it happens to all writers. I just hope that in time, my words will start to flow as freely as it used to be.

Till next time, SMILE. Take time to look at what's around you. Be inspired.

I Love You

It's been a long while since I wrote. I've been stuck in camp for the past 5 days and will be for most of the next 14. But here's a quick one to clear the cobwebs from this space of mine.

I called mama once during the past few days. She ended the call with "I love you." I only managed an "mmmmm". The kind of "mmmm" you'll give one your mum kisses you and say I love you in front of your other friends when you're a kid.

It's hard for guys to say I love you. It's hard for me to say I love you. Or "Sayang mama". I don't know why. Sometimes, it's hard to say some of the things I really want to say. The messages from the heart seems destined to reside forever in my heart.

I do love you too. And I know you know that I do.

Some stories do come true

The Oreo Cheesecake Boy - he managed to get the cheesecake he wanted with the help of an awesome baker friend. It was a story that came to mind as I was writing the previous entry. An MSN conversation followed and 5 days later, my story became real. So, I guess some stories do come true.

*Opens the book he bought in December 09 and continues with THAT story*

The Oreo Cheesecake Boy

1 pkg. (1 lb. 2 oz.) OREO Cookies, divided

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine, melted

4 pkg. (8 oz. each) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened

1 cup BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Sour Cream

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

4 eggs

HEAT oven to 325ºF.

LINE 13x9-inch pan with foil, with ends of foil extending over sides. Process 30 cookies in food processor until finely ground. Add butter; mix well. Press onto bottom of pan.

BEAT cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in large bowl with mixer until well blended. Add sour cream; mix well. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating just until blended after each. Chop remaining cookies; stir 1-1/2 cups into batter. Pour over crust; top with remaining chopped cookies.

BAKE 45 min. Or until center is almost set. Cool completely. Refrigerate 4 hours. Use foil handles to lift cheesecake from pan before cutting to serve.

If only I'm a baker.

This is a story of the boy and the oreo cheesecake. The boy who knows all (read: most) of my secrets. The boy whom I've known for nearly 10 years yet I still feel I barely know him. The boy who likes to make fun of me: In 2005, he told me I wrote like a bapok. (Do I still write like a bapok?) The boy who still makes fun of me.

He's the boy who came all the way down to school on a Saturday afternoon for floorball coz he knows if he doesnt tag along, I'll most probably not go even though I really really want to - he knows how crazy I am about floorball and why. He's also the boy whom I sometimes wish was a girl - that way, I could ask her out for movies and stuffs. Haha! I am so kidding.

For some weird reason, the boy have touched my heart. SO much that Im actually moved to bake him a cheesecake. But I'm no baker. And I cant stand the smell of cheese. But even if I do, I wouldnt know how a cheesecake is supposed to taste like coz Ive never eaten a cheesecake. I hate cheese. And you know that.

So I'll do what I do best and wish I were a baker, so that I could bake you an oreo cheesecake! Happy Birthday dear friend. May our other friend bake you a real oreo cheesecake some day. :D

The Lingering Thought : Paperbag

So that was the question that entertained me during my hour-long train ride back home from work.

I believe I’ve said it a number of times before. I want to break that cycle but I’ll always find myself being a slave to that cycle. I’ve always held the view that people come and go. But a friend once told me that while it’s somewhat true, I shouldn’t hold on to that view tightly. I was gently advised that since I “know” that people will go, I shouldn’t simply allow them to go when ‘THE time’ comes. The friend reminded me that while people may come, and go, there are exceptions.

‘THE time’ is something undefinable. It comes whenever it feels like coming and when it does, there’s nothing much one can do about it except wish for things to be as they used to be. Sometimes, with some people, it’s easy to pick up from where we left off. But with most, for some undefinable reason, it’s hard.

That led me into thinking about the past, present and future that had/has a direct connection with the quote “We used to talk for hours and now it's like we never knew each other.” The first that came to mind were conversations both real and unreal, past and present - the way old conversations used to be and how they are right now. And of course, naturally, the new conversations. The final cabin in this short train (of thoughts) of mine was how I could prevent the present state of things from becoming like the past. In other words, try “break the cycle”.

After a brief moment of stupidity and incoherence, clarity settled in. I think I now know how I’m gonna break that cycle. But some things are better left unsaid – things like the specifics of how I’m gonna break that cycle. Haha. And then there are some things that you just need to get out of your system ....

...... even though you know you’re gonna end up with a paperbag moment. It's worth it.

The Lingering Thought

There's been a thought that's been lingering at the back of my mind these past couple of days. It's one of those thoughts that is almost impossible to put down in words coz I'm not sure what exactly I'm thinking about.

All I know is that I'm thinking of something, or many things at once.

It all started from one of those random things that people 'Like' on Facebook. A couple of months back, one of my friends liked something along the line of "We used to talk for hours and now it's like we never knew each other." It must've struck a chord somewhere within me coz I can't seem to shake the 'Like' away.

I hated that 'Like'. I hated it coz I thought friendships do not do sudden U-turns. However, over the years, I realized that for some weird reasons, they do. What I initially labelled an exception became two, and when a third and a forth appeared, I figured a trend was developing. I'm seeing a cycle. So the question now is, "Do I break that cycle or do I continue being a slave to that cycle?"

[...To be continued...]

Just Bleargh.

The brain is drawing blanks at the moment.

I'm not sick, but I'm feeling very sick. I think I'm thinking too much and it's killing me.

Four Years

Last night, mama mentioned that it's been 4 years since dad's passing.

I shouldnt have doubted her and insisted it was the 19th (today) and not the 18th coz when I checked the entry that I wrote on Father's Day 4 years ago, I realized I'd gotten the date wrong. That entry shouldve been dated 18th June 2006 and not 19th June 2006.

I remember locking myself up in my room that Sunday evening with the excuse that I'm tired and I need a short nap. And I remember scribbling the messy thoughts that I had at that moment. I needed to get it all out.

4 years. It has been a while.

Al-Fatihah.

The Quickest Scribble

4th day of work and I fell asleep at around 9pm and is now wide awake at 4am! It could be due to the following reasons:

1. Work is mentally tiring
2. World Cup matches are boring. Like freaking boring.
3. I can't find a decent live streaming on the Net.

A Quick Scribble

Only my 3rd day of work and I've had my first 8pm to 11pm sleep. My sister had hers yesterday and I nearly went, "What's so tiring about a simple office job?" I'm glad I didn't.

Why are you always back home so late? Doesn't work end at 530? These questions, however, I've asked countless times. I've always treated her answers with a slight tinge of doubt. Always. But today, I realize it's always easy to judge. One needs to put one's self in that person's shoes before judging. And what better way for me to wear my sister's shoes than to actually work in the same office as her - just for a month or so.

I've gotta admit that she reminds me of my dad. And in some parts, me. Maybe it's the monthly allowances that I've just received from her. Maybe it's because she leaves home for work at around the same time dad used to. Whatever the reason maybe, I'm happy and proud that my sister is turning out to be as capable and responsible as me. Haha!

And it's funny how timely this realization is. I just realised we're days away from Father's Day. You know, somewhere, somehow, I'm pretty sure he's happy and proud of you too. (:

The Real Dream

I had the realest of dreams today.

It was a dream created from little thoughts I've been having for weeks now. In the dream, I was on MSN when someone quoted me a long list of quotes taken from this blog of mine - quotes that I found pretty "interesting". It was interesting as I never actually wrote those words down coz you know, sometimes, some thoughts are best kept as thoughts.

But when thoughts are kept as thoughts, they become dreams that ask the question: Which is more real - your dreams, or the life you're living?

A rare dose of Optimism

Destined Choices

Some lives are linked across time.

It's interesting to see the lives that are linked with mine as I sail across the sea called Time. These lives that intertwine with mine - I wonder if Destiny or Choice played the part. At times, I tell myself that it's choice. With the mouse in hand, I can choose whether to click "Send Request" to add individual X as friend. I can also decide when I want to add or I can even not add. At times, I'd like to think I'm in control.

However, things are never in my control. I can choose to add someone as a friend but there's always a probability that it might be rejected. I can pick the best words to write on someone's wall yet how the person reacts to it remains out of my control. I can choose to say Hey! to someone yet whether or not he or she replies is another story altogether. Things will never be in my control.

Some lives are linked across time. These lives, they're destined to be linked. I think. Like how I was destined to go 7 days without writing anything.

Inspirasi

"Somewhere there is another girl prettier than you, smarter than you, taller than you, skinnier than you. Another girl somewhere is more outgoing, more laid back, more interesting, more athletic. Another girl somewhere is not you. You may not be perfect, but someone someday will think you are. He will love you for each and every imperfection and flaw. He will wait all day just to see you and stay all night just to hold you. To him, you will be more than perfect, you’ll be the love of his life."

- Taken by a Blogger from a Livejournalist who took it from a Tumbler who reblogged it from another Tumbler who.... it'll never end.

Posts like the above never fails to put a smile on my face. The Livejournalist whom I copied the above from seems to be one full of hope and patience. She could be one who knows what she wants yet not go all out to get it. Every morning, she wakes up hoping a miracle would happen and that one day, insyaallah, she will meet the guy whom she's meant to be with. Idealistic individual I must say. She reminds me of me.

I'm looking outside my window right now as I let my thoughts settle down and I'm starting to realize that maybe just maybe, I'm attracted to individuals who do not try hard to impress. Individuals who live in their own little world with the own little group of friends. Individuals who are like me but not exactly like me. These individuals catch my attention. And I think I see that in my sweet distraction.

I do not think I am making the mistake of shutting everyone else out of my mind just because of one sweet distraction. Frankly, I think it's silly, but sweet. Idealistic individual I am. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But even if it isn't, I still do pray for your safety and hope that all is well.

It has been 4 days since I last wrote. Besides the above, I'm thinking of learning the art of Silat. I'm inspired by what I saw during the IVP tournament over the weekend. So, let it be written that I'm daring myself to take up this challenge.

Of being grateful

Alhamdulillah, I cleared all my modules. Alhamdulillah, despite feeling worst than I ever felt, I actually did my bestest. THIS is weird. I was more distracted than ever this semester. And I was ready to defend the countless hours I had spent on floorball trainings just in case mama decides to use it against me. Thank god I no longer have to. Alhamdulillah.

Now I feel much more motivated to study. Study and distractions (like floorball) can go hand in hand. Effort is as important. Those hours spent overnight in school definitely helped somewhat.

Yesterday, I nearly wrote a post entitled "Why do we need friends?" Today, I've found my answer.

We need friends. These friends are the ones that keep you going when the going gets tough. Long hours on MSN, the silly (thankfully shortlived) quarrels, the words of encouragements, the annoyance and irritance - these things definitely went a long way to a memorable yet fruitful semester. Thank you for being my friends.

Yesterday i wrote, "So my advance apologies should you wake up the next morning only to find me gone without saying goodbye." Should I ever do that to anyone of you, promise me that you'll look for me. Find me, slap me, and tell me never to run without saying goodbye again. My advance heartfelt Thank You.

The Runner

Am I a runner?

When things go wrong, I pack up my stuffs and run to some place new to rebuild a new life. While I really do care about the people and things I leave behind, sometimes I feel that it's better to run than to fix broken stuffs. Why bother fixing only to see it come crashing down over and over again - knowing me?

I used to think I'm not a runner. Today, looking back at all the things I have done, I realize I am one. I run and I will keep on running, until I'm tired of running. So my advance apologies should you wake up the next morning only to find me gone ...

... without saying goodbye. Life sucks. Sometimes. At least there's Glee.